First time parents thread - Page 3

[Monarchgrrl]

Papa, yeah that's great that you get to have all the control! Whatever you want, goes! But, I wouldn't trade in mine for anything. We don't fight, so there's no make-up sex. Hmm...maybe I should try to start a fight...

[outlier]

What brought you to MDC?

I was doing some online searching about circumcision after I happened to catch Penn and Teller's show on it. It was the first time I'd heard anything about it that was negative, and in one of my google searches it happened to pull up a few threads from the CAC forum. I read through those, started exploring some other forums, and basically never left. I've learned so much here.

Are there things you and your partner don't agree on as far as parenting goes, and how are you going to handle that?

DH's not crazy about my insistence that I want to use cloth diapers. He's definitely nowhere near as crunchy as I am. We haven't had any of the heavier conversations yet, like vax or circ, but I'm going to wait until they come up at prenatal appointments and address it then. He acknowledges already that I've done so much research on pregnancy and babies that he trusts my judgment with whatever decisions need to be made. The nice thing is we're both scientists, so if there's ever a disagreement, we both naturally want to present a highly detailed explanation to support our side, complete with peer-reviewed literature if it's available. No drama necessary! I nerds.

And to Monarchgrrl and Papa, for the record, our approach also does not readily lead to make-up sex. Post-presentation sex maybe, but it's not as exciting.

[macy]

Are there things you and your partner don't agree on as far as parenting goes, and how are you going to handle that?

So far when we've discussed how we would handle different scenarios or things like circumcision or educational plans, we haven't disagreed on anything. Like outlier, I know when we eventually disagree on something we will first consult the scientific literature and/or ask experts and then discuss our concerns with each other.

The good thing is we are both pretty laid back and I know that if and when we disagree on the little stuff (and most of it is little, trivial stuff to me) we will both be willing to compromise. Also, my husband knows I've spent a lot of time getting educated and I think overall he trusts my judgement. That's what he's said, at least.

[Pineapple Head]

Are there things you and your partner don't agree on as far as parenting goes, and how are you going to handle that?

So far none. I do feel like perhaps other people have put a bug in his ear about having a home birth as last week he said something about how I could always change my mind. Which is a line his mother has said a few times. I just looked at him and told him I would not be changing my mind and I needed his support 100% no matter who says what. He has not said anything since. He knows how much research and thought I have put into my decisions so he trusts that I did not just wake up one day and decide on a whim. I think mostly though hes is probably a bit afraid of the unknown or seeing me in pain. Im waaaay more crunchier than he is so I get it completely.

What brought you to MDC?

I cannot remember exactly the first time I found Mothering, I might have been looking into fertility detoxing or vitamin and supplements or slings or who knows what but I know it was before I was pregnant. After browsing through articles and community I knew I found my virtual home.

[Dirkey]

What brought you to MDC?
I joined MDC when we were trying to conceive but didn't really post too much, a little in the preg loss but mostly in this forum

Are there things you and your partner don't agree on as far as parenting goes, and how are you going to handle that?

There have been a few things. Most of them we just kind of discuss to find out why we are thinking the way we do. Most disagreements are squashed this way when we're just talking. We both want whats best for the baby we just sometimes come at it from different angles. We're both pretty calm people but opinionated, so its never really anything dramatic just a long talk at worst.

[kallyn]

What brought you to MDC?

The traditional foods forum, like years and years ago before I even thought about having kids.

Are there things you and your partner don't agree on as far as parenting goes, and how are you going to handle that?

So far I think we agree on everything. We are definitely on the same page re: no circing and no vaxing; definitely no circ (DH was actually the one who brought it up to me several years ago, and I readily agreed after hearing his experience and reading about it) and probably no vax but we may consider one or two maybe (maybe). He had some coworkers who CDed and he was impressed with how much money they saved, so he's interested in that too. My mom BFed and coslept with us and he has always known that's what I wanted to do so no problems there.

As far as discipline goes, we haven't discussed it extensively but we've talked about a few things. The ones I think we've touched on are no CIO, no spanking, no idle threats (we both hate when we see other parents say something like "DS stop right now or we're going home!" and the child doesn't stop but the parents don't take him home), and no arguing in front of the kid(s). We're both really laid back and logical/reasonable, so whatever else comes up I'm sure we'll discuss and come to an agreement.

[miso_soup]

This thread makes for compelling reading! So fascinating to read so many different ideas and approaches.

What brought you to MDC?
Random searching online for pregnancy forums. None of my immediate friends – those I physically see on a regular basis - are pregnant, or have had children, and I was feeling a wee bit lonely.

What are you looking forward to in pregnancy the most?
The part where the baby is born, I think. I am of course intrigued by the idea of feeling baby move around – but I’m also a little weirded out by that idea at the moment. I put it down to watching ‘Alien’ too many times as a teenager.

Do you have any fears of being a parent?
Oh, dozens. Hundreds.

Are you buying any parenting books?
I haven’t. I probably should.

Have you decided what kind of birth you'd like to have? If so, what kind of birth, and how did you reach that decision, having never gone through the experience before?
I have decided to have a quick, easy and painless birth.

Seriously though. I think a “conventional” hospital birth is probably on the cards. It being my first child, I’m a little hesitant to pursue an alternative at this point. The idea of a water birth really appeals to me, but there is no facility for water birthing in my area, and I don’t think I want to birth at home. I’ve heard a lot of references to ‘Hypnobabies’ on these forums, though – perhaps I’ll check them out.

I’m also not 100% sure about pain medication at this point. My rational side screams “Yes! Give me the *&%$^@# meds!” but my thoughtful side is pondering whether there is in fact a workable alternative. I don’t know much birth pain medication. But I don’t necessarily like the idea of being so drugged up that I can’t move. That kind of freaks me out a bit, to be honest.

In a nutshell: I’ve kind of decided what kind of birth I’d like to have, but not really.

Are there things you and your partner don't agree on as far as parenting goes, and how are you going to handle that?
We haven’t really talked that much about it, to be honest. I mean, I think we’re both of the same approach: deal with what happens, when it happens. Figure it out as we go along. At this early stage, there seems little point in initiating discussions about something that has yet to happen, because who knows how we’ll feel when we actually get there? In general, though - we are quite similar in our approach to life, for the most part, so I don’t anticipate any major disagreements.

[SouthernBette]

Originally Posted by outlier

What brought you to MDC?

I was doing some online searching about circumcision after I happened to catch Penn and Teller's show on it. It was the first time I'd heard anything about it that was negative, and in one of my google searches it happened to pull up a few threads from the CAC forum. I read through those, started exploring some other forums, and basically never left. I've learned so much here.

Are there things you and your partner don't agree on as far as parenting goes, and how are you going to handle that?

DH's not crazy about my insistence that I want to use cloth diapers. He's definitely nowhere near as crunchy as I am. We haven't had any of the heavier conversations yet, like vax or circ, but I'm going to wait until they come up at prenatal appointments and address it then. He acknowledges already that I've done so much research on pregnancy and babies that he trusts my judgment with whatever decisions need to be made. The nice thing is we're both scientists, so if there's ever a disagreement, we both naturally want to present a highly detailed explanation to support our side, complete with peer-reviewed literature if it's available. No drama necessary! I nerds.

And to Monarchgrrl and Papa, for the record, our approach also does not readily lead to make-up sex. Post-presentation sex maybe, but it's not as exciting.

I guess we'll have the circumcision talk when we find out what we are having in mid-May. My DH and I agree on EVERYTHING--politics, religion, architecture, music, food--so I don't imagine that this will cause a fight. Then again, I haven't researched the circ stuff enough yet, and I don't know his thoughts. He might be super passionate either way, and although I tend to be the more strong-headed one, I would likely give in on this issue. I don't have a penis!

As for vacs--I didn't have a strong opinion either way prepregnancy, but after talking to some pals with a child who has autism, I am definitely anti-vacs. I don't imagine DH will disagree.

[outlier]

Originally Posted by SouthernBette

He might be super passionate either way, and although I tend to be the more strong-headed one, I would likely give in on this issue. I don't have a penis!

But you do have a foreskin!

The vaccine subject is the one thing I've been dragging my feet on when it comes to doing the research. So far all I've figured out is that I'm not comfortable with the recommended schedule. I should probably get going on that since I'm now on a deadline (6-ish more months to go, woot!!! ).

[SouthernBette]

We talked to a large group of our friends last night about circumcision. I'm pretty sure we've decided NOT to cut. I'm just not convinced of the benefits for circumcision, and I do believe in the power of the body to do and be how it was intended. So, check that one off the list!

As for the vacs--I agree with you Outlier that we need to do more research. One of my colleagues has a nephew with Autism, and she has given me so much information. She agrees that if I were to still vaccinate, I would need to shake up the schedule. I had a German prof once who said that no one she knew in Germany vaccinated; in fact, they had measles parties to infect their kids, as they believed it made them "stronger." I guess what gets me is that there is even a vax for Chicken Pox now. My sister and I had Chicken Pox when we were kids, and we are perfectly healthy. I can't see how pumping someone with the vax would be any better, but I'll keep reading on this like I do with everything else.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by SouthernBette

As for the vacs--I agree with you Outlier that we need to do more research. One of my colleagues has a nephew with Autism, and she has given me so much information. She agrees that if I were to still vaccinate, I would need to shake up the schedule. I had a German prof once who said that no one she knew in Germany vaccinated; in fact, they had measles parties to infect their kids, as they believed it made them "stronger." I guess what gets me is that there is even a vax for Chicken Pox now. My sister and I had Chicken Pox when we were kids, and we are perfectly healthy. I can't see how pumping someone with the vax would be any better, but I'll keep reading on this like I do with everything else.

It was more likely chicken pox parties than measles parties, but, yeah, there are several reasons NOT to vax for chicken pox. But if you do that, it's important your kid get the chicken pox. First, the disease is mild, rarely has any long-lasting complication if it's contracted in childhood. Having it as an adult is REALLY bad. It's horrible. However, getting it in childhood will protect an individual for life, unlike the vaccine. We don't really know how long that immunity lasts. I won't vax for chicken pox unless my kid is about ten or twelve and hasn't had it. I had it in grade one or two, no biggie, and my bro had it at the same time, when he was in kindy. No biggie.

Other stuff, I will vax for, but selectively and on a delayed, staggered, schedule.

It's important to make your own decisions based on your lifestyle and your values. If you live or plan to travel in the developing world, it's more important to get vaccinated for polio than if you're in a developing country. Sadly, the people most at risk don't have that choice. Polio is a good example of this - polio is pretty much eradicated in the developed world, because of vaccination, but it runs rampant in the developing world.

[outlier]

I happen to have all my vax records from when I was a kid, and I sat down and compared my "fully-vaxed according to the schedule" records with the current one. There are a number of new ones, and a few have been bumped up so they're given way earlier than when I had them 29 years ago. It's a little scary. Vaccines aren't medicine made of vitamins and fairy dust, they are immune system challenges with adjuvants and other chemicals that are supposed to make your body react if they work properly. I hate how charged this subject is because it makes it difficult to feel like I'm getting good, unbiased research and opinions. I feel like I'll be automatically labeled one of "those" parents by the entire medical community if I even dare question the current schedule, yet if I don't look into this I'll feel like it's just one more medical intervention I'm being pushed into by an organization that keeps a closer eye on its profits than its patients.

If I don't get through the research in time, I can see myself just delaying all shots for a while. I plan to exclusively breastfeed, and we won't have to use daycare for a while if at all, so risk of disease should be pretty minimal. I would be surprised if I could find a ped in this town that would be okay with this, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I think at the very most, we would do only one carefully selected vax per month, and only at times when he/she is perfectly healthy. That way if there is a reaction I'll know exactly what caused it so we can avoid it.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by outlier

I happen to have all my vax records from when I was a kid, and I sat down and compared my "fully-vaxed according to the schedule" records with the current one. There are a number of new ones, and a few have been bumped up so they're given way earlier than when I had them 29 years ago. It's a little scary. Vaccines aren't medicine made of vitamins and fairy dust, they are immune system challenges with adjuvants and other chemicals that are supposed to make your body react if they work properly. I hate how charged this subject is because it makes it difficult to feel like I'm getting good, unbiased research and opinions. I feel like I'll be automatically labeled one of "those" parents by the entire medical community if I even dare question the current schedule, yet if I don't look into this I'll feel like it's just one more medical intervention I'm being pushed into by an organization that keeps a closer eye on its profits than its patients.

Totally.

I think it's important to look at different schedules in other, similar, countries, and across different states and provinces to where you live. Like, say the UK, Australia, Canada, US, are all kind of comparable. For instance, it's the protocol where I live for babies to be given the first shot of Hep B vaccine before they even leave the hospital, so say around 2 days old. My friends who just had a baby tell me there the protocol is for the first shot to be given at two months, some later.

Variation like that can help you figure out what to do. My status as a foreigner helps in that regard - if anyone challenges me on anything here in the states, I'll just say I'm following the Canadian schedule as it's more appropriate to my Canadian child, who will be attending school and growing up in Canada. Of course, I'm do whatever I want in the end.

I was looking at this vaccination schedule online...really scary how many shots there are!

[Heinleinesque]

Another question for first-time parents:

How do you expect this baby to change your existing relationships? Your relationship with your family, your relationships with your friends, with your partner? Are there resources any of you know of that can help us learn about what to expect as these important parts of our lives are sure to change as our lives and priorities change?

[Monarchgrrl]

Good questions, Heinleinesque! I wanna hear your answers, too!

How do you expect this baby to change your existing relationships?

I think a baby will change my friendship relationships in a positive way. We don't have many close friends but the ones we have are parents already, so I think it'll help make it even and we'll finally understand what the heck they're going through. Our friends are all pretty crunchy, but we spend a lot of time with DW's brothers and their families and they are very mainstream and completely opposite of how we want to parent, so I see some issues around that stuff. Our lifestyle is already pretty conducive to a parenting lifestyle, so besides just the changes a baby brings, I think we'll adjust decently. We don't go out to clubs, don't stay out late, and honestly don't really do much. We're like an old couple already, so I don't think that will change for us. In fact, I'm hoping we'll meet other gay and straight couples in parenting groups so maybe we'll meet more families to do things with. We might actually go out and do things more with a kid.

I think as far as with DW, we fully expect the novelty and lovey-dovey-ness to wear off and the stress to come at some point. We are a very good team and communicate very well, but we'll be going through different things. I'm the birth mom and so she'll have a different experience, and she'll have to deal with a certain amount of invisibility that I won't, especially with dumb questions like "But whose the mother?". Plus she'll be a SAHM and I'll go back to work so the day-to-day will be different for us. Even though we're not expecting anything bad, we're going to read "How to Baby-Proof Your Marriage" ahead of time, just in case. I've read good reviews of that book here on MDC. We like reading relationship books together.

I think it'll be a little difficult for my mom (who lives in the area) to realize that we're doing things differently than she did and we're in control of the decisions, not her. I've already told her all of the plans. But I think once the baby is here it'll be hard for her not to come over all the time to see the baby. We just don't want that. We like our privacy and don't want her smothering us. Already she's playing it up. We didn't want to spend Easter with her and some of that side of the family (for a few reasons). But she's already saying things like "But it's our last Easter before the baby comes! Family means so much more now that you're carrying my grandbaby." We've never spent an Easter together since I was a kid. We're not religious at all and there are no kids in our family so it's not even celebrated. She's just said a lot of annoying things lately and I'm only 10 weeks! Ugh! I only foresee more issues on the horizon.

[Pineapple Head]

How do you expect this baby to change your existing relationships?

We have talked about this a bit and I think we both know that things will change and that we might have to take time just for us.

My mom already annoys the heck out of me for so many reasons. When I told her my plans for a homebirth she said something about how she would be there and I bluntly told her that she was not invited. All of my friends keep telling me how much I will want my mom there right after the baby is born and I cant even imagine wanting her help. I watched how she was/is with my niece and I just know Id end up saying something horrible to her or slapping her. She is just not a source of comfort for me.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by Pineapple Head

How do you expect this baby to change your existing relationships?

We have talked about this a bit and I think we both know that things will change and that we might have to take time just for us.

My mom already annoys the heck out of me for so many reasons. When I told her my plans for a homebirth she said something about how she would be there and I bluntly told her that she was not invited. All of my friends keep telling me how much I will want my mom there right after the baby is born and I cant even imagine wanting her help. I watched how she was/is with my niece and I just know Id end up saying something horrible to her or slapping her. She is just not a source of comfort for me.

Word, word, word.

My parents think I'm having a hospital birth, and my mom is making noise about coming down her a few weeks before the baby is due and staying until the birth. Uh...no. That is a spectacularly terrible idea.

And it gets worse - I said "Well, that would be pretty pricey for you to stay in a hotel that long." And she was like "Oh, we'll stay with you and help you get ready for the baby!" Uh...double no.

Did I mention that I have spent exactly two nights under her roof in the past 14 years since I left home at 16?


I am expecting to lose some non-parent friends, in fact, that has already started.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I "live like I already have kids." I mean, I sleep through the night almost every night, unless I wake up to pee. I sleep in past 6:00 almost all mornings, and often past eight and sometimes even 'til 11! I change my plans constantly, and I don't have much regard for regular mealtimes or schedules. But, my lifestyle is already very compatible with that of parents, so I don't foresee gigantic shifts in that respect.

The biggest adjustment I predict for myself is welcoming more straight people into my life. I don't really have any straight friends, not close ones, but I suspect that may change as I start to hang out more with people who are parenting kids the same age as mine. That's what I see happening with the parents I know.

[Pineapple Head]

Originally Posted by FtMPapa

And it gets worse - I said "Well, that would be pretty pricey for you to stay in a hotel that long." And she was like "Oh, we'll stay with you and help you get ready for the baby!" Uh...double no. Did I mention that I have spent exactly two nights under her roof in the past 14 years since I left home at 16?

Oh my mom then said something about how her and my dad could just sit in their car outside my house while I was in labour. WTF?! The minute I moved out at 18 my mom got rid of my bedroom. Even though they have two extra rooms they refuse to make one a guest bedroom so I stay with my bff or sister when ever Im in town.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by Pineapple Head

Oh my mom then said something about how her and my dad could just sit in their car outside my house while I was in labour. WTF?! The minute I moved out at 18 my mom got rid of my bedroom. Even though they have two extra rooms they refuse to make one a guest bedroom so I stay with my bff or sister when ever Im in town.

Totes. I used to stay at my grandmother's house when I visited Kingston, but a few months ago, she moved into assisted living in Ottawa, so now I just don't see my parents if I don't need somewhere to park my dog while I'm in Ottawa, where I stay with my aunt.

Do your parents live far away? I told my dad that we would hash out a plan closer to the time. He's all for that, he's actually reasonable, most times, it's my mother who is INSANE.

at least she doesn't call much anymore, she's decided it's too expensive to call the US on a regular basis. I'm into that.

[SouthernBette]

We've already lost some of our nonparent friends, too. At first I missed our regular Tuesday night trivia with the gang at the bar--which I could no longer attend because the place is filled with smoke--but now that our temps are up to the 80s, I've been getting out and seeing others more. I know that we won't be able to be as social when the baby comes, but it is important to me that we maintain a healthy sex life and have a mom and dad only date night at least once a month. It makes me sad when new parents no longer communicate as well as they did before a child, and I just don't want to fall into that trap.

I looked at the Babyproofing book on Amazon, but some of the reviews said that it was biased toward "traditional" couples--she stays home and he works, etc.--so I opted for And Baby Makes Three instead. We'll see how it turns out.

P.S. Thanks FTMPapa for the vax schedule link. I'm going to check it out.