My DC called a girl at school "Stupid Jew" .....WWYD?!?!

[Tummy]

I am completely !!!!

There is absolutely NO excuse for such words from any of my children! I am baffled, truly sad! I know that many use the word "Jew" and it is accepted that Jewish ppl are called "Jews"... but I am not one to believe that it is okay. IMO using that word is not okay! *I* feel it is wrong! I have never known my child to ever use language like this!

He has been out of school for the past few days (had 102-103 temp). Today was his first day back since Monday. The assistant principle called me couple hours ago, said he was in the office. She told me that my son was using these words to this girl on Monday and followed up again today upon his return to school.

I guess that either this girl was kicking him and he called her this, OR, he called her this and she kicked him. IDNK which way it happened, I am at a loss.

No parent wants to think their child could be capable of saying/doing something they have been raised NOT TO DO/SAY, but well this is proof it happens.

What would you do?

I will be having a lengthy talk with him when he gets home, in about 20 minutes. I have already taken the PS2 down.

I want to be gentle with this, and would LOVE some suggestions on what other mothers would do in a similar situation.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read this post, and thank you even more for any replies!

[hopefulfaith]

I'm at a loss, because my first reaction is "I wouldn't be gentle about it." -- I come down very emphatically and vehemently with people of any age who demonstrate attitudes of bigotry/intolerance toward people of different religions, races, etc.

I understand that kids do/say things that they have been raised not to do and say -- I've told my children a thousand and one times not to push each other, for instance, and it still hasn't taken.

However, a comment like this needs to be understood by a child that it will not be tolerated in any uncertain terms, under any conditions. I would take punitive actions - PS2 away, privileges lost, etc. -- and preventative actions: why would he say that? What does he understand Judaism to be? He needs to understand that using a religious term to insult someone is absolutely verboten and will not be tolerated. In my opinion, there are absolutes in the world and this is one of them.

Good luck, mama.

[MissRubyandKen]

I would have a very serious talk with him. You don't say how old your son is. This could make a big difference. Perhaps he really doesn't understand what a phrase like 'Stupid Jew' means. I would find out from him exactly what happened and exactly where he has heard those words spoken. If the girl did kick him prior to him saying that I would walk him through how he should have dealt with the situation. Give him appropriate options to choose from in case it happens again, or somewhat similar. Once you find out where he heard that expression you will be able to better talk to him about not saying it. I would explain in very clear language what that means and why it is not okay to say it. I would then point out that calling someone stupid in itself is not appropriate either. Lastly I don't think I would punish my son for this. I'm not sure what taking away a video game will teach him. I would have him either call the girl, write a letter to her, or you call the parents and arrange for them to meet at her home or at a public place where it is possible to have some privacy, like an uncrowded park with adult supervision, but also some space. He needs to express an apology to her. Not a forced one necessarily, but hopefully after you explain to him what he said, a willing one. This is the first time your son has said anything like this that you know of and hopefully it will be the last so try not to go too overboard, yk? If you punish him he may just focus on being angry and feel it is unfair, rather than absorb the lesson he needs to learn here.

[hakeber]

I don't know what I would do.

I know that in my classrooms I have encountered bigotted speech and behavior that I found unacceptable. One of the things I started doing was working with Teaching Tolerance sources available on tolerance.org They used to have a section for parents...anyway, you might consider looking through some of the projects and assignments on the matter.

I am not a fan of making homework punishment as it makes homework feel like prison rather than fun (), but in this case I would (and in cases like this with my students I have done this) assign a research project into the issue. Perhaps a little depth of understanding into the power of prejudice might make him think twice about referring to people as their religion...I particularly like this kit: http://www.tolerance.org/kit/writing-change There are lot of shorter activities and longer ones that might help, and I think they could be adapted to a parent child activity with some tweaking. ETA: one of them (I think in section 1?) is about reducing people to one element of who they are and how this serves to dehumanize them, and asks the students to "put the people back into the language".

It's really good and also gets my students thinking about ways they are encouraged to forget about the humanity of others on a day to day basis.

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I am not a fan of making homework punishment as it makes homework feel like prison rather than fun (), but in this case I would (and in cases like this with my students I have done this) assign a research project into the issue. Perhaps a little depth of understanding into the power of prejudice might make him think twice about referring to people as their religion...I particularly like this kit: http://www.tolerance.org/kit/writing-change There are lot of shorter activities and longer ones that might help, and I think they could be adapted to a parent child activity with some tweaking. ETA: one of them (I think in section 1?) is about reducing people to one element of who they are and how this serves to dehumanize them, and asks the students to "put the people back into the language".

It's really good and also gets my students thinking about ways they are encouraged to forget about the humanity of others on a day to day basis.

That's a great idea.

[mamazee]

The reason I don't punish is because I don't think punishment works. If I punished just for really important things, then it would mean that I thought punishment was the only thing I could count on to work so I would at least use it in those cases, but that's not a belief of mine. Also, I don't like to assume the worst possible motivation, in this case that he has internalized discriminatory feelings. It sounds to me like maybe this is something he's heard other kids say, and thought it sounded cool or tough, but didn't really understand how serious and hurtful it is.

How old is he? If peer pressure is involved, then he needs to learn that it isn't okay to follow everything peers do and say, which is an issue that goes beyond this particular problem.

Finally, I would take this as an educational opportunity about discrimination in general and specifically Nazisim and the Holocaust so that he understands the history behind what he said. Books, movies, etc. If he hasn't learned about this, he might be clueless and not understand why it's so wrong. I have to think that most children, if they understand the history, would never ever talk like that. I try to assume the best practically possible motivation when there's a problem so that's where I'd start.

[Tummy]

Originally Posted by hopefulfaith

I'm at a loss, because my first reaction is "I wouldn't be gentle about it."
Good luck, mama.

This is exactly why I have come here to post this thread in hopes for other ideas. My very first thought was "OMG, I AM GOING TO TO KICK HIS @$$" Of course, that is an extreme thought and I would not, but holy crap, what now?!?!

I think I am going to sit him in front of this PC (me beside him) and make him research the Jewish religion and write an essay... OH, maybe I will just print things out for him and make him sit at the table to do it, that would be better!

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it!

[texmati]

HOw old is he? I would really chat with him and explore why he used those terms. It may not be as bad as you think it is.

[Tummy]

Peer pressure is a huge thing for him. He is 14! So yes, he knows better! I love the ideas of 'teaching him' vs 'disciplining' him. The PS2 is not being hooked back up regardless, he knows if I ever get a call from the school about some trouble that he has gotten into that the game is taken away. He received Saturday school for this incident.

Thank you for the link!!!!

Asked him about his day, he said he did not mean to be hurtful towards this girl, that he was saying it as a joke, but how on earth can ANYONE ever think something like that is funny, HOWEVER there were kids laughing after he said it.
In that situation, *I* probably would have kicked him also.

[Tummy]

Further talking to him....

He does not know if she is Jewish or not, this is something that he and her have been doing between themselves for a couple months, today was NOT the first time he called her a Jew, oh - and he called her a "Jew" not a stupid one {not any better} it was another child/schoolmate telling the teacher that started the discipline action in school.

I asked him why would he think this was okay, he has no good answer. Did say that it is not okay for someone who is a NAZI to call someone a Jew, so yes...
I MUST EDUCATE MY CHILD.


This is one of those educational 'trying times as a parent', for parent and child. I do not even want to know what my partner is going to think/say!

[Anastasiya]

I would first want to know what context it was said in, because that would change how I'd deal with it.

It may not be so much as him saying "You're a stupid Jew," just out of the blue, for the purpose of being cruel or funny, but perhaps there was something more. Somehow, somewhere the "Jew" part had to come into the conversation, likely initiated by her.

Simple example, probably far fetched, but it does change the context:

Girl kicks, boys get mad, perhaps someone says "That's not very Christian" or "What would Jesus do?" to which she responds "I'm a Jew." As in, I'm exempt. So your son responds, "Well, then you're a STUPID Jew." (She has classified herself as a Jew, thinking that somehow exempts her from the rules of polite behavior, and he tells her she's stupid to think that way.)

KWIM? It changes how it was used and isn't so horrific.

And yeah, it probably didn't happen this way. But it MIGHT have. Find out first what happened.

Just read your lastest post. Hmmmm. So he doesn't even know if she's a Jew or not. Well, then disregard my thoughts.

[texmati]

Ouch. I just read your latest post.


It sounds like some education is in order. It reminds me of when I was that age, I once called my sister a 'waste of skin'. I think I heard it on a tv show, and it got a lot of laughs. Someone near me was horrified, and said-- that's so mean! And I thought about it, and it was.

I still feel bad about it, obviously.

[texmati]

Also, slightly OT, but is the word 'Jew" in itself considered offensive? I thought it was the same as saying Christian, or Hindu?

[Minxie]

What popped into my mind reading your post is the TV show South Park. There is a little fat boy who calls the Jewish boy things like that. You may not be letting your child (I hope not, anyway!) watch it but the girl's parents might let her.

My point is that it is important to discover from where this is coming so as to address the problem and not just a symptom. Also I think explanation of the term and why it is an inappropriate usage would be good though I might focus more on the "stupid" part and less on the "Jew". I mean, he might not have that division in his mind already but he KNOWS calling someone stupid is not polite. It's a good way to introduce the idea of bigotry but I would focus heavily on what he already knows is wrong as well.

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by Minxie

What popped into my mind reading your post is the TV show South Park. There is a little fat boy who calls the Jewish boy things like that. You may not be letting your child (I hope not, anyway!) watch it but the girl's parents might let her.

My point is that it is important to discover from where this is coming so as to address the problem and not just a symptom. Also I think explanation of the term and why it is an inappropriate usage would be good though I might focus more on the "stupid" part and less on the "Jew". I mean, he might not have that division in his mind already but he KNOWS calling someone stupid is not polite. It's a good way to introduce the idea of bigotry but I would focus heavily on what he already knows is wrong as well.

this!! it is the first thing i thought of when i read your op, then when you stated he just called her a jew with no stupid, i knew it sounded like SP. he may or may not watch it but im sure that age group (so perhaps he and his peers throw it around) does and he probably does not understand the context and what is funny to some (ie SP as a whole) is not funny to others and it sure isnt okay at school! SP imo shouldnt even be viewed by anyone under 18.

[nextcommercial]

I haven't read any responses.

But, I'd ask him (until he could give me an answer) "What does that mean? What did YOU mean when you said that?" He wouldn't get away with "Idunno". He'd have to either have an answer, or FIND an answer.

Then, I'd make him watch some age appropriate movie with me about what it means to be a "stupid Jew".

I just can't think of a single movie that's age appropriate.... But, I know there are some. My teenage daughter and I watched "In the arms of strangers" http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/Into_...3?trkid=438403 It was VERY good... but, it's a documentary, and I don't know if it's appropriate for a young child.

[mamazee]

There's one about a group of kids who collect paperclips, one for every victim of the Holocaust. You might check into that one.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I haven't read any responses.

But, I'd ask him (until he could give me an answer) "What does that mean? What did YOU mean when you said that?" He wouldn't get away with "Idunno". He'd have to either have an answer, or FIND an answer.

Then, I'd make him watch some age appropriate movie with me about what it means to be a "stupid Jew".

I just can't think of a single movie that's age appropriate.... But, I know there are some. My teenage daughter and I watched "In the arms of strangers" http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/Into_...3?trkid=438403 It was VERY good... but, it's a documentary, and I don't know if it's appropriate for a young child.

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas is a good one. Also Life is Beautiful and Jacob the Liar would all be good.

ETA: I am not sure though that I would stress so much the point about anti-semitism in specific (though not a bad thing to learn about at the moment since he's not sure about it) but more from the angle of what happens when we take one part of someone's personal life and use it as a noun to define who/what they are. What happens to our brains when we call someone A jew, or A black, or A gay. How does it change the meaning of what we are saying? How might it make that person seem slightly less human in our minds? How does it allow us to go from describing each other to categorizing and discriminating against one another? Because today it's Jew tomorrow it's Gay, and the root is the same, even if the background for the hatred in society is different.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by texmati

Also, slightly OT, but is the word 'Jew" in itself considered offensive? I thought it was the same as saying christian, or Hindu?

AFAIK, the word Jew itself is not offensive. However, it sounds like he was using it as an expletive/insult, which would make it offensive.

I have no idea what I would do in this situation. It would be a lot easier if your son were younger - I think I could handle it with my 9 year old, because I'd assume he heard someone else say it and didn't realize how or why it's so offensive. With a teen, though, I just don't know.

[eclipse]

I do want to say, however, that I don't think focusing on the Holocaust would be the way to go. What he did was absolutely offensive, but it certainly isn't on the same scale as genocide. I think it would be easy for a teenager to rationalize away that what HE did as entirely unrelated to what Hitler did, and therefore "not that bad." It also boils down the whole Jewish experience/history into one tragedy, and I think that's problematic in a lot of ways. As well, I don't think the fact that he chose "Jew" as an insult is the point - unless there is an indication that he's hanging out with neo-Nazis, the Jewish religion/culture was probably just the handy target - he could have just as easily picked gay people, women, hispanic people, disabled people, etc. It's the mindset behind it that needs addressing, as opposed to this specific use of this specific word - unless, as I said, there's an indication that he actually has a specific prejudice against Jewish people.