How do you swing it finacially

[FacesinDisguise]

I have another username but for now I need anonymity since people I know IRL are here.

I reached my breaking point the other day with dh. He isn't abusive but he criticizes me all the time and I had enough and don't really see him changing even if I worked on our relationship more.

The thing is I been a SAHM for 3.5 years now and have 2 kids and one on the way in the fall. How could I possibly make enough to support us and pay for childcare for 3 kids. I have a degree but in my field (environmental studies) I won't make much especially entery level and it will be hard to find a job with so long out of the work field.

I would love to go to grad school for city planning but how would I swing that? Afterwards I can make a decent salary. Not a lot but decent and maybe my oldest would be in school. Where would we stay? Where would money come from? Would I have to count my dh's income for student aid? I could live cheap but I hate to have lots of debt to start off. I don't want to be on public assistance permently or depend on my exdh either.

We live far from family and my parents have a small place anyway. I wouldn't want them to watch them for me permently and they wouldn't want to either. There is no grad school where we are either. I have a great GPA (3.9) and would take a review program to hopefully do good on the GRE but it been a few years since I graduated college.

I'm just lost right now on what to do. I don't I can stay but I don't know what to do with 3 kids. Does anyone else have a few kids? What do you do? What do you do when you been out of work for a while? I'm so lost.

[meandmine]

No real advice, but I know others will have good ideas.

My only encouragement is that after almost 8 years out of the workforce I had a long-term sub job within 4 months of looking and a permanent job the next school year.

And, as it turns out, I am really good at what I am doing which is a world away from what I did before kids.

If I can do it; you can do it!

M

[JunipersMom]

Give yourself a year - start your own bank account, keep track of expenses, plan accordingly and come up with different ideas of how to manage financially. A year goes by quickly - put money away and have your plan. Then if after a year you have changed your mind and decide to work on your marriage - take the $ you saved and go on a family vacation or something. But divorce takes time - so take the time now to walk away with a good plan since you do not have physical abuse and immediate danger.
Just my 2 cents

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by FacesinDisguise

The thing is I been a SAHM for 3.5 years now and have 2 kids and one on the way in the fall. How could I possibly make enough to support us and pay for childcare for 3 kids. I have a degree but in my field (environmental studies) I won't make much especially entery level and it will be hard to find a job with so long out of the work field.

I would love to go to grad school for city planning but how would I swing that? Afterwards I can make a decent salary. Not a lot but decent and maybe my oldest would be in school. Where would we stay? Where would money come from? Would I have to count my dh's income for student aid? I could live cheap but I hate to have lots of debt to start off. I don't want to be on public assistance permently or depend on my exdh either.

If you're going to school, you might be able to get help with the daycare from the state. You definitely would get child support if you have custody of the children. How realistic are your job goals? Your school goals? Can you start a distance-learning or online grad program NOW while you are still married? If you're divorced, you wouldn't count his income for aid purposes because he would not be supporting YOU, just your children.

I caution you; life is not all sunshine and roses when you are a single parent. I am not trying to rain on your parade but have you all tried counseling? Have you tried counseling for yourself? Some times we get fed up with a situation and need a different perspective; after all, you married him for a reason, you have three (well, 2 1/2) kids together and you say he isn't abusive. Think long and hard before you sunder your marriage and your family because once it is done it often cannot be undone.

[FacesinDisguise]

He not physically abusive but he constantly criticizes me and berates me, my friends and my family. I also can never trust him. He lied about going to the bar weekly and now about when he going to be home from work.

[zebra15]

Originally Posted by FacesinDisguise

He not physically abusive but he constantly criticizes me and berates me, my friends and my family. I also can never trust him. He lied about going to the bar weekly and now about when he going to be home from work.

You say you dont trust him, but does it matter that he goes out? It may feel like he is criticizing you but maybe its just mis-directed anger? IDK, but you have 3 kids... like others said, something had you get married...

Divorce takes time, child support isnt a guarentee, I would try counseling of some sort. Sometimes another set of ears is very helpful.

[Theia]

IDK - Everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

My feeling is that when you are done, you are simply done. If you feel that you are done, I think it would not really serve anyone if you stayed. I agree that divorce is not something to rush into. I'm just not a fan of relationships that are broken, without trust and true companionship. If you don't want to fix it, it can't be fixed. You have to honor and respect your own feelings about yourself and your relationship. If your DH is not respectful of you whether it is true criticism or misdirected anger, then it doesn't matter. Disrespect is disrespect. Could counseling possibly help? Sure, but I'm guessing you have already done much soul searching on this and aren't jumping into this type of decision lightly.

So do the year plan, or whatever feels comfortable and doable to you. Start setting up the life you want before you leave. I don't have much advice beyond that because my journey was much different.

[SoulCakes]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I agree - once you know you're done, there's no point drawing it out.

To answer your questions: Going to school is probably more manageable than you think (probably much more manageable than taking a low-paying job!). Your husband will be paying child support and alimony, which you do NOT have to claim on your fafsa (which means you'll get more financial aid and qualify for more grants, work study, and loans). You will also get an increase in your calculated living expenses because of your children which, again, means more aid is available to you. Be careful how much in loans you want to take out, though - it can be tempting to take out as much as possible and I, for one, think that a person has to do what a person has to do - but they do have to be paid back. So keep that in mind.

Many universities have their own daycares on campus. We never used mine, even though I was a student mama, but it would have been a MUCH more affordable option. Do make sure to get on the wait list the moment you're enrolled (or earlier, if they'll let you).

There's often family housing on campus, which may or may not be a more affordable option for you.

Also take advantage of food stamps and anything else you might qualify for (if you can get a housing benefit, great! Better to reduce the amount of loans you take out from the school). Of course you won't need government aid forever, but you've got to do whatever it takes to get through school and into a well-paying job. It's worth it to have your freedom and your independence in the end.

Good luck to you.