He's getting married to the other woman - update 12

[TearyCloud]

I had no idea it would make me so upset to find out they are getting married. He left me for her while I was pregnant nearly four years ago. After a bitter and expensive and horribly nasty custody case, we're finally kind of settled into our visitation routines, etc. He sent me an email asking me to switch a weekend in a few months so he could have ds for his wedding. I must have re-read it ten times before I just completely fell apart.

I'm trying to figure stuff out now, logistically, about how, or if, this affects anything custody-wise. We have a hearing in May to review child support (he lost his job and is now in school, so they cut his child support). They have a much higher standard of living, double income (he's getting about 600/week in unemployment, but they were making decent 6-figures together while I was living off food stamps and child support, searching for work). Is he required to factor in her income when deciding child support? They've basically been living as a married couple for a while: he's on her insurance, they travel extensively together, etc.

Is there anything else I need to think about? Will she have any different role, legally, now?

Insight, tips, anything welcome.

[JunipersMom]

Oh my... cant even imagine. My ex left me for another woman - who is still going through her divorce... but I really never even entertained the idea that they might get married - and when I read your email I started having a panic attack... So no advice - but I sure hope you share how you get through so I can file it away, just in case
hugs

[TearyCloud]

Originally Posted by JunipersMom

Oh my... cant even imagine. My ex left me for another woman - who is still going through her divorce... but I really never even entertained the idea that they might get married - and when I read your email I started having a panic attack... So no advice - but I sure hope you share how you get through so I can file it away, just in case
hugs

Yeah, I didn't ever think they'd get married. Hadn't even thought about it. My friends have no idea why this has upset my life so much. It's not that I care about him or wish it were me... it's just that everything is flooding back from my horrible pregnancy, knowing he was out with someone else. And here I am, four years later, alone, no one to come home with, no real relationship since him. It's just a lot to hit at one time.

[incorrigible]

I can totally understand. Mine didn't leave until my youngest turned 2 (2 days after her bday. what a present, eh?) and had to wait till his mistress turned 18 to marry her! (ya, that's right) so, there was more time to get used to the idea, at least. My kids were old enough at that point to understand he was getting married and, though their feelings were mixed, generally want to attend. I didn't have a good reason not to let them...if the courts didn't think the abuse was a good enough reason to distance them the rest of the time, they certainly wouldn't have liked it coming across their desks that the kids didn't attend the wedding. It's all a big game to the courts. Facts, figures, data. They don't care anything about the lives of the people they effect. They just have too many cases to bother thinking that deeply about them.

My experience with legalities is maybe less than uplifting, but I'll share it anyway as a hearty warning to get your crud in order and remember that you should be playing to win, not to be fair. My kids are lucky to be alive today because I was so caught up on being fair and reasonable. There's a time for that, but divorce issues aren't it. ...she had no custodial rights, technically, but the court did show more favortism toward them once they were married. She was allowed to be alone with my kids with no say on my part (even though I had sole legal and physical custody) and his past criminal and abuse issues became less and less important to the court the longer he was married. After a couple years, he was able to claim I'd made up everything and he had just "let me have my way because it was easier" even in matters I wasn't involved in....because the court wanted so badly to see the married couple as perfect and the single mom as a deadbeat. She was able to use his visitation time on her own (because he always avoided it) occasionally at first, but once they had a kid it was the standard.

No, they didn't figure her income at all in child support. So, he worked part time to almost nothing while she worked more than full time. When the court started talking about making him pay more because he was clearly evading support, he went back to school. That justified not working, in the court's eyes. He was still milking that "student" status after 5 years. He took minimal classes and had an Associates and was just starting to work on a Bachelor at that point...and in a field he was legally restricted from ever working in. I can only assume the long term plan was to discover child molesters were "discriminated" against in education fields and go back to school again at that point. The kids would have been done with college themselves by the time he finished school and "was able" to get a real job. He passed away before we could find out for sure what clever tricks he had up his sleeve for the long term, though.

Be angry. Cry. Yell. Get it out of your system. Try not to do it around other people, if you can help it...because that always comes back to bite you in the butt. But let yourself feel what you feel. It's going to cloud up your mind and make you make stupid mistakes that can be very long lasting. Do what you need to do to work through it all. When I finally dealt with everything (years later, and not until after he died. I shouldn't have waited that long!) I drank until I threw up...and then drank some more. And I don't drink...like, ever, at ALL! That was my first drink in over 10 years. I was a monster for an evening. It was great. I purged all the crap, and felt refreshed in a way I haven't since I met the man! I don't recommend that particular method...but do what you need to. Once you have a clear mind, you can focus on moving forward, being the clever one yourself, and finding the way or the mindset that turns this into something positive in your children's lives...and just stupid background fluff in your own.

[lilyka]

Mine will most likely be marrying his mistress soon. they have been together for 10 years. (we have been divorced for 2....). I am beside myself. but I do not think it will change anything. unless he moves to be with her. I am really surprised she hasn't moved here. I don't know what is going to happen but I can totally understand why this hit you so hard.

[pinetree]

This sounds like a really hard situation

[2xy]

BTDT. Sorry for you. My ex was remarried before the ink on our divorce decree was dry. It's awful, I know. My boys were 9 and 12 at the time, so they were painfully aware of all the dirty details, seeing as their dad moved out of our house and directly into hers. He also didn't bother to tell the children that he'd married the woman. We found out months later (they had moved out of state for military reassignment).

Step-parents do not have any legal rights nor obligations to their step-children. That includes monetary support, which is why a step-parent's income is not calculated into child support. Neither my ex's wife's income nor my DH's income is considered in our child support agreement.

[ExOfficia]

I'm so sorry, mama. I know this isn't easy.

I don't have any advice, just sympathy and understanding. I'm going through a similar thing, though I'm at an earlier stage. My stbx left me 5 months ago for an ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago, the one he had been with two girlfriends before me. They began an affair sometime last fall, and his announcement hit me like a wall of bricks. I know they want to get married, my guess is a.s.a.p., but here we have a mandatory year long separation before filing for divorce. The whole thing is killing me for a bunch of reasons, though there is no way I'd ever want to be with him again- I am so done. All of my friends keep telling that they'll never last (they both have mental health issues, live in different cities, whatever), but I'm bracing myself for them getting married at some point. I don't care that much about them being together, but the thought of her having any influence on my kids is a nightmare to me.

Hugs, mama. s

[Goodmom2008]

Her income has no bearing on child support. She's not the parent, he is.

As for your ex's income. You can ask that he be imputed to what he was making if he has decided not to work full-time anymore. Just because he chooses to go to college doesn't make the expenses of the child go down.

As for his next ex-wife and custody, she has no legal standing at all when it comes to your child.

[Labbemama]

I'm sorry mama. Mine is probably headed to the alter with his too. I had no idea he was cheating though before the separation. I am grateful to her for taking him off my hands but still hurt even though he has cheated before and I'm thru with him. Weird, huh how those feelings activate. I chalk it up to being such a loyal wife and taking my committments SO seriously.

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts bad.

[Marsupialmom]

((hugs))

As for asking more child support talk to your lawyer. With this economy -- school might be the only option. We have more than one friend having issues because their ex's income went down greatly through lay offs. The ex's are going to school because getting a new job is impossible with their skills. We know one that made herself look really bad in court.

Other's have contingency plans (upon graduation with in reasonable time) for child support to be reevaluated. In our friends case it is no other option for job retraining or being stuck in minimum wage jobs, which doesn't help you children either.

[TearyCloud]

Melt down

Well, their wedding is in two days. DS is with them, and it totally breaks me apart that my little boy is witnessing the marriage of two people who built their relationship at the expense of me and my family.

I don't want to tell any of my friends how upset I am over this. It was years ago. He left me for her when I was pregnant, and I've come so far since then... But in order to get through my pregnancy in one piece, I disconnected from my emotions about this, and I feel like I'm going through it for the first time now.

I just wanted to update and get this off my chest. I'm pretty much just isolating and trying to get through this without completely falling apart.

[lilyka]

I understand. Its my guess my xh will coerce my children into participating (not just witnessing) the unholy union of him and the mistress. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Its not that I care if they get married or whatever,. I am so over him. and her. and all of it. but for my kids to be there! agh.

I am sorry you don;t have in friends who understand. If you lived around here we would hang out and drink copious amounts of alcohol.

[mimim]

[hillymum]

I wish i could give you a real hug! Do you have even one friend you can turn to and say "this weekend is killing me, I need to be kept busy"?

[MistyD]

Ugh, I'm SO sorry TearyCloud. I don't have any insight but I do want to offer my sympathy. That really sucks. I hope a few months from now the pain won't be as sharp.

[kryztuh]

[Theia]

I'm so sorry. Nurture yourself this weekend. Let it be a weekend of letting go and grieving since it sounds like you didn't really get that before. However you need to get through this, do it so that you can come out stronger when your DS returns home.

[Everrgreen]

I am so so sorry. Your pain, sadness, and anger are totally understandable. I would be feeling the same. My stbx left me for someone else and apparently they are already talking about marriage. It totally disgusts me. If that day ever comes I know I will feel the same as you. I want to start venting about why it is so wrong. But I'll just leave you with lots of hugs

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by TearyCloud

Is he required to factor in her income when deciding child support?

Usually not, but some states are starting to do this. Your states' laws regarding this should be available online. Many times, even if a NCP is unemployed, the court will at least assume they're capable of earning minimum wage and base C/S on that, rather than crediting the NCP with zero income. But if there's a significant history of your ex being capable of earning significantly more than minimum wage - and his new wife's income appears to be enabling him to prolong his unemployment - that is certainly worth bringing up in court. The judge usually has some level of discretion, in calculating C/S.

Originally Posted by TearyCloud

Will she have any different role, legally, now?

No. The only possible exception regards "Right of First Refusal", which basically says that, if a parent can't care for the child during their parenting time, the other parent has the right to keep the child, if they want to - regardless of the schedule. In many places, there's an exception, where family members (or, in IN, it's "anyone who lives in the same household") can step in for the parent, as long as it doesn't exceed a specific number of hours. (In other words, if Dad's detained at work, Grandma or Aunt Linda [on Dad's side] could pick up his son for him, at the start of his parenting time - and Mom would be violating the rules, if she didn't allow it. But if Dad will be out of town for his entire weekend visit, Dad can't leave his son with Grandma, if Mom is available and wants to have him.)

Soooo.... depending what the rules are where you live, your ex's new wife might be allowed to watch your child for part of your ex's parenting time - even if you'd rather keep the child with you - whereas your wishes might have taken priority, before.

But, regardless what the "Right of First Refusal" law is, where you are, I hope you'll try to be reasonable about that kind of thing, anyway. Your heartache is quite understandable. But it doesn't benefit anyone - least of all not your child - if you look for every opportunity to "throw the book at" your ex, as many angry divorced people do. There will probably be times that he has his new wife pick up your child from school for him, on his visitation days; or has her "babysit" for an hour on his weekend, while he works out at the gym; and he's probably going to bring her to the school play and soccer games. Try to handle this in a way that lets everyone - including yourself - be impressed with your class and grace; instead of making everyone - including your child - uncomfortable and upset.