Help pls - Discouraging undesirable behaviors in an 18 month old

[allisonrose]

My guy has a tendency to bite. He has also recently gotten into throwing things - not really a big issue except when the target is the cat. Any tips on discouraging these types of behaviors? Thanks!

[Ms. Purejoy]

I've learned that behavior is a communication and when your child is biting or throwing they are trying to tell you they have something BIG to say. Controlling the behavior instead of listening to what they are saying can modifiy the behavior but it will usually comes out somewhere else. I support you in noticing when he is biting or throwing and see what is going on before it happens. Is he frustrated or can't get what he wants? Our kids usually don't do negative behaviors when they are regulated and calm. See if you can notice what is happening before and catch the build-up to the behavior. You can calm and soothe him before he bites or throws. He learns someone is listening and there for him instead of someone who wants to control him. I had to work with my daughter around her hitting and the more I controlled her, the more she hit. Once I began to work with my own trigger around hitting I was able to show up for her in a new way which helped her get her needs met and she didn't need to hit any longer to get my attention.

Hope this helps.

Leslie

[allisonrose]

I really need help with the throwing issue. My husband is "getting pissed off at him" over it. I'm saying that he doesn't really get that what he's doing is wrong but hubby is insisting that he understands more than I think. My son loves the cat and would like to interact with her more but the cat doesn't really want anything to do with him. Throwing things at her is a way for him to interact with her but it's the wrong way.

I need to figure out a way to discourage this since my hubby has already put him in a baby time out and patted his hand. He is not a believer in GD since he admits that he was basically beaten as discipline and defends his parents' actions by saying he would have been a gangster without it. (Nevermind that my parents only swatted me on the butt once or twice my entire childhood and I was a good kid who never got in trouble.)

Help.

[lisavark]

With throwing, I would redirect. Is he throwing because he's frustrated/mad or just because he wants to interact with the cat? Or is it because he wants to throw things? If he wants to throw things, then give him appropriate things to throw (a ball) and take him somewhere appropriate for throwing (outside). If he wants to interact with the cat, then explain to him that the cat doesn't like having things thrown at her, but she likes to be petted gently--like this. Show him how to pet gently and help him do that. Every time he starts throwing, remind him that the cat doesn't like that and show him how to pet her gently.

Same idea with biting--if he's mad, address the emotion; if he just needs to bite, give him a teething toy or a pacifier. Happiest Toddler on the Block has some good ideas for addressing the emotion and redirecting these kinds of behaviors; it's my favorite GD book for toddlers, because a lot of the GD books really work better with older kids who can reason more, I think.

Regarding your husband, you definitely need to get him on the same page with GD, unless you want to spend the next 17 years handling these issues in very different ways. My husband is always convinced when he sees how effective GD is with our DD. It also helps mine a lot when I show him statistics and studies on the problems with spanking, etc.--my DH is very scientific and logical and is always willing to change his behavior if I can prove scientifically that another way is better. Especially if he can see from watching me that it's working.

[MommyDOK]

I have a toddler the same age, and throwing things is normal!! He is my third toddler, and I think there is something very exciting about having enough hand/eye coordination to actually throw things. I was just sitting on the couch, and he came over and clubbed me w/ a rubber doll. And I know he loves me!

If he hits the dog, we put the dog in her crate where he can't get her. It's for her safety!

If he hits us w/ something we take it away. I don't grab it from him, but I explain and he hands it to me. I will never forget when my dd2 was about this age and she hit her sister w/ a plastic bowling pin. I said, "If you hit her again, I'm taking it away." She went over and hit her sister and then handed the bowling pin to me.

Have some good gd books around for your dh. Mine liked the discipline book by dr sears.

[allisonrose]

lisavark - I do think you're on to something about allowing throwing acceptable objects in an acceptable situation. I also think you have a terrific point about him interacting with the cat in a nicer manner - unfortunately I'm not sure if the cat is too keen about going along with that but we can give that a go.
I'll look for Happiest Toddler.
I wish we were on the same page but he has not come around to my way of thinking. We're actually pursuing therapy to help us work out issues - including parenting disagreements.

MommyDOK - I agree with you: normal toddler behavior. My hubby's not a big reader though.