When your ex is behaving really badly

[*MamaJen*]

Ugh, I don't even know what my question is, besides just a vent. When you've already broken up with them because they behaved so badly, what else is there that you can do? I mean, making him move out of my house was pretty much my trump card. And now, all that is left to do is just try to not let him get to me.
My ex is not a bad human being, and his best trait is that he loves his son tremendously, but he has a lot of things wrong with him.
We've been broken up for a full year now and I've been trying to have it be amicable and also finally set some decent boundaries (and learning that with someone like him, I can't have it both ways). It'll be okay for a while, but he keeps on slipping into funks and doing a variety of things that are really unacceptable.
I don't even want to go into the details of the most recent thing, but was basically a bout of extraordinarily passive aggressive childishness, followed by a string of drunken text messages.
I feel like I handled his behavior pretty well today, and I just ignored all the texts. That's what I've been doing for quite a while, just not letting it intrude into my life, which is all around good and happy and positive. Kind of creating a healthy bubble around me that his dysfunction can't penetrate.
Today I kept on thinking about the al-anon mantra -- you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. I'm realizing that there's nothing I can do to make this man act in an acceptable or grown-up way. All I can do is not let it affect me.
So far, my ex is actually really good around DS. He really does love him, and I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt him. He sees DS a fair amount (but always according to his schedule, and rarely to mine). DS is crazy about his dad. But I am worried about DS getting older and starting to clue into some of these patterns of behavior.
It's just hard, dealing with the other parent of your child when you have no respect left for them, just a sort of grossed-out pity. Blech.

Edited by *MamaJen* - 4/6/11 at 11:58am

[Ceinwen]

A mixture of affection and 'grossed out pity' would be the best way of describing my feelings towards my ex.

After nearly ten years together (and two children), I'll be the first to admit that there are some feelings for my ex that will never go away.

He goes through periods of 'I'm so busy and fulfilled right now, I have zero time to talk to you' ... followed by 'I have no one to talk to and you left me all alone, so you're obligated to be my support'.

Of course my feelings swing wide as well. Sometimes I am heartbroken with the loss of our relationship (even though I've moved on and am in a relationship with someone new) and fear for his emotional and physical health, to absolute loathing and wishing he would disappear off the face of the earth (usually in regards to issues with our children, or when we clash over personal issues).

It's hard. It's really, truly the hardest thing ever. I find being separated/divorced to be more difficult than the horrible last six months of our relationship, where we were at each other's throats constantly and he was unfaithful and we were both angry and hurt.

For me it's the combined feelings of a) relief at being free, b) the loss of all the work and comfort of our relationship c) fear for his health... that absolutely kill me. I worry constantly that he's alone/lonely (he has a semi-normal relationship with his parents, but really no other friends and family) and that he's going to form and unhealthy/co-dependant relationship with our two small children.

Sorry to go on and on in reply, but I thought a year out from the signing of our papers, that it would be better... and it is. Having said that, in some ways it is worse - and I'm wondering when it will stop being so confusing and painful.

Have I said thank goodness for therapy?

[Avani]

I have to say having a restraining order is the greatest thing i could do for my family. He can't call/text, show up at our home without risk of arrest. I finally have a sense of security after all these years because of the restraining order. However he continues to pull me in and out of court over anything he can and thus his harrassment was just pulled into a different way when he could no longer get at me in the other ways. My hope is one day he evolves and we all move forward in a positive way. It's been four years since i left him and i am still dealing with his evil ways. Just do your best to protect yourself and your family and rise above it all. I know how hard it is, but really to live the best lives we can we just need to keep going and try not to let someone else's problems bring us down.

[Halfasianmomma]

Hi MamaJen...as the ex partner of a functioning alcoholic who's undoubtedly bipolar, and assuredly narcisstic with some scary delusions, but who also *seems* to love his daughter, I can empathize.

Your post seems to address two issues:
Your X's contact with you.
Your concern about your DS in contact with his father.

Regarding the first...since you've already set up a good boundary by ignoring him, perhaps you can also stick to one stock phrase to send him whenever it gets annoying: I won't discuss anything other than our son. Aside from that...meh, alcoholism is a progressive disease. To be honest, what seemed to help a great deal for my STBX is the fact that a month or so after I left him, he got a girlfriend who also has a child. They recently moved in together so I think he's otherwise occuppied with his newly formed family. Is there anyway you can steer yours towards another woman??

Regarding your DS...since he's so young, it's hard to discuss things with him, but having spoken to a lot of ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics), I've been told time and time again that they wished that *someone* had kept an open dialogue about the elephant in the room. In fact, I think there's some al-anon literature titled something very similar to that expression. Perhaps as he gets older, you can introduce him to al-ateen/al-anon literature and discuss the effects of alcoholism.

I too struggle with the notion that *someday*, DD is going to be hurt by her father's behaviour, or by his lack of interest in her. It's very hard to accept the fact that I won't be able to protect her from learning some very hard lessons very young. If STBX disappears, which is likely considering his track record, I'll have to explain to her why there are 3 other half siblings she's never met, and why daddy chose to live with her brother (former DSS) and not her. It really sucks, but this is what STBX has created and what DD will one day have to deal with.