For Adults Abused as Children, How do you cope with your fears for your own kids now?

[phoenix78]

Sorry, I had no idea what forum to post this in but I need advice. I was sexually abused as a child by my paternal grandfather and last year, my uncle (his son) was arrested for pedophilia as well. My grandfather died when I was 14, so that is no longer a concern for my children and my uncle lives out of state so only my dd#1 has met him 2-3 times for very short periods and I have always been with her (and by that I mean, right by her side, always).

By way of background, I've been in and out of therapy since I was 19 to deal with my abuse. I thought I was at peace with my past but now having my girls (especially since my uncle was arrested last year), I am being triggered constantly. And not so much of fear for me, but fear they will be abused. I am anxious about it constantly. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I am constantly on the lookout for signs that DD could be being abused, even though there is no credible evidence to suggest this. I am just terrified of it all the time.

DD#1 will be 5. I fear the coming years when she wants to go to sleep overs or even over to someone else's house for a playdate. I have never allowed her to go over to even the neighbor's house or on a playdate. I always invite children here instead.

I am afraid to leave my children (with good reason) with my own family. While my parents were very loving with me and are good grandparents with my girls, they didn't believe me as a teen when I first disclosed and it wasn't until the whole family imploded that everything came out. Then we never talked about it after my grandfather died until I dragged them to therapy for one session after DD#1 was born. Since my uncle's arrest, I do not feel comfortable having my girls around my own father, even though he has never laid a hand on me or them or given me any reason to fear him. But I can't help thinking if his father and brother are both pedophiles, what about him? I don't want to unjustly cut my parents out of my children's lives, but I am just so afraid that I cannot trust anyone (except DH who has been with me through all this all these years).

If you've survived an abused/neglected childhood, how in god's name do you manage to trust other people with your own children (esp your family) and have some kind of normalcy to your lives? I just don't know how to get there. I suppose more therapy is called for but this is such a deep seated fear that I don't even think therapy will be able to fix it. Thank you for sharing.

[Happiestever]

I think about this a lot too. I know there are sick people in this world and I will just have to trust my gut when it comes to having my children around others. I am not at the point of having kids old enough for sleep overs and will evaluate my stance later, but it is no doubt hard to swallow the possiblities. I will always make sure my children know what is appropriate behavior and letting them know they can always tell me what's going on. I know I don't trust all my family members anymore, so I choose not to associate with them. Some of us know the harsh cruelties of the world, and that is a stepping stone to being vigilant in the protection of our children.

That is probably an unusual outlook on these situations but if we can see the valuable lessons we may never heal. You have to see the light or else the shadow may overpower you. Above all else trust yourself and perhaps learning to trust others will come in time. Many blessings.

[homeschoolingmama]

I had a teacher who was just charged with sexual abuse. I was a witness in the trial. He sexually abused some girls in my class and the rest of us he touched us but not to the extent of some. We had him for two years.

I may be overly cautious but someone does not get my trust with my children until they earn it.
We homeschool. I do not fully trust teachers. This isn't our only reason for homeschooling or even our main one but it is in there.
We don't get sitters. My mom and sister are the only ones who have watched my children and it still makes me cringe if they have company while they are watching them.
My children are never with anyone alone.
We just started going to a new church and people can't understand why I wouldn't leave the little ones in the baby room. I don't even know the people who work there. Not a chance.
It takes a lot for me to trust but that is my right. My parents (and no other parents) knew about this teacher that we all had for two years. Gr. 7-8.
I have taught my children from a young age what is ok and what is not. I am very blunt with them. They know that there are people out there and what they are capable of. I have talked to them about sexual abuse and how to speak up. My 7yo daughter would speak up for sure. My almost 6yo daughter most likely wouldn't. She is shy. She will not be with anyone alone until I feel she is ready to stand up for herself. My 7yo would yell. She is very outgoing and knows right from wrong.
My children will not be sleeping at friends houses until they are old enough to stop abuse from happening on their own. I also have to know the family well. Very well. I still have not dropped my 7yo off for a playdate. I always ask the parent who invites if I can come for tea. They have always said yes.
When I am comfortable with it then I will allow it. My children are too important to do otherwise. I may be more protective than most but my children are safe and they don't mind. They don't even notice. I try to stay in the background and let them handle situations and I can jump in if necessary.
I coach for Special Olympics and my 6yo daughter was invited to sit on a mans lap. She giggled and sat on his knee. He has Down Syndrome so didn't understand that it was a tad inappropriate. It was a perfect learning experience for her. I allowed her to sit on the end of his knee and he made flying sounds. She seemed uncomfortable so I had her come back next to me. We had a good talk after. She didn't want to hurt his feelings so she allowed her feelings to be squashed. I explained to her that she can say no thank you and it would be fine. The next wk she said no thank you.
I am always there.

[Joyster]

Trust is hard. I find that I trust women a lot easier than I do men (rightly or wrongly). My hubby of course I trust implicitly so that was never an issue. I had a situation where I had to have my kids Godfather watch my youngest while he slept for an hour or two. I felt my distrust brewing, but in my case, I had to recognize it's MY issue and not his, as he's a good person, I do trust him and he's been screened by multiple professionals to boot for his volunteer work. I do leave my sons in our Sunday school program, and thankfully it's very easy for me as it's my MIL and her friend who run it. I fully believe my tiny bird of MIL would fight off a freight train barehanded for her grandsons so I feel very confident leaving them with her. My oldest and very soon my youngest go to school. I have had training in screening out sex offenders, it's not foolproof, but I can often rely on that plus my instincts. One of my best friends does that for a living for Big Brothers, so I use her for feedback too.

I think one has to really try to figure out when it's their issue and when the Spidey Sense is going off for good reason. Therapy can help, experience can help, talking with other survivors can help too. Maybe you can even find a few courses or programs that can further empower you in learning. Knowledge can help so much with taking some of your power back, but take it slowly, in conjunction with therapy, it does open a lot of wounds. It is a tough road to navigate though.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by phoenix78

DD#1 will be 5. I fear the coming years when she wants to go to sleep overs or even over to someone else's house for a playdate. I have never allowed her to go over to even the neighbor's house or on a playdate. I always invite children here instead.

I completely understand your feelings. My very best friend growing up came from a family of sexual abusers. I would stay at BFF house all the time. Her mom and dad were like a second set of parents to me.

One the outside, it looked like a good family - hard working, at church every Sunday morning, involved in all the community activities, PTA.

It was a big family, everyone lived close by and one uncle plus his kids lived with the grandparents. The grandparent's house was always the gathering point for the entire family. A typical Sunday was church then lunch at her grandparents and everyone (6 siblings + spouses + all the kids) would stay all day into the evening.

I can remember BFF constantly monitoring her little cousins when we were as young as 10 years old. BFF would run into the play room screaming at her cousin to leave the little ones alone. Every person in that family had to know what was going on yet no adult did anything. She (BFF) was screaming at the top of her lungs at her older male cousin yet all the adults were selectively deaf.

I never told my parents what was going on at that house and now, as an adult and a parent, I am really disturbed that, for whatever reason, I didn't tell my own parents, a teacher, our pastor, anyone. (No one ever got after me.) I was far from shy and certainly not scared. I just didn't tell. I wish I would have. Those little cousins are completely screwed up adults now.

So I also have the sleep over, get too comfortable with people you think you can trust fear.

How will I cope? I will be very open and frank with DS about abuse and educate him as much as I can. I don't know that I will allow sleep overs at someone else's house. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I have found Protecting the Gift to be very enlightening. Especially the part about not teaching your kids that they need to be sweet, polite and nice to everyone.

[GuildJenn]

I cope (more or less) a few ways:

1. I have been overly cautious in our choice of caregivers, and when I was looking for a daycare I was very blunt with the people I was interviewing that this was an issue for me and asked a lot about policies, etc. - and also gave the message that if my son were abused in their care they would be dealing with a parent who would not drop it. This was also part of my reason for going with a daycare rather than trusting a single individual. My husband and I have erred on the side of caution when it comes to babysitters, etc., choosing not to go out as much as we might like.

I don't really believe in "streetproofing" my kid. Not that I don't talk to him about things (in the Protecting the Gift way) but it is ultimately MY responsibility to keep him safe, not his, at least for a good few more years.

I'm on the fence about sleepovers. If they're at something like a camp I feel better about them. In homes, I'm not sure what I think yet.

2. I remind myself that not trusting anyone is just as dangerous as blind trust. Because when you trust no one, you can't get help when you need it. I feel that my perceptions of the world were damaged by the abuse I suffered and I do not want to pass that on to my son. So I have made the effort (although not lately ) to really get to know other parents in environments like playgroups etc. so that I have the time to build some trust so that my son can, eventually, go over to friends' houses.

3. I hope I have created an environment where my son can bring me his concerns at any time. I never want him to be abused in any way. But looking back on my childhood the worst was that the abuse continued and that I could not talk to anyone or get any help.

4. On that note, and maybe controversially, I refuse to let fear rule all my decisions. I let it INFORM my decisions, particularly while my child was pre-verbal and while he is so young. But now and then I have chosen to take a risk, like letting him hang out with his teen cousins. My mantra is "abuse is not destiny." I will do everything I think is reasonable to prevent it, but in a worst-case scenario - I have faith that my son could have a joyful life, because I do.

5. I have been on a lifelong mission to learn the difference between my real intuition, and my fear. I have learned a lot about abusers to try to help me hone those instincts.

6. I take the time to honour my past and deal with my triggers by making time for me to grieve, cry, go for walks, etc.

I hope that helps; I'll be reading to see what other people have as thoughts.

[BeanyMama]

Subbing. I'm really interested to read your responses, Phoenix.

My kids are six, four and two. We homeschool and generally I've been able to be at playdates so far in their lives but we're trying to gear ourselves for as they get older and need or want to be places without a parent. Terrifies the holy crap out of me. We have the neighbor kids come here to play, we always take them to the bathroom before their Sunday school and supplemental classes with instructions to wait to go again until after class, not to have anyone take them during. We've had numerous talks with them.

DH and I were both abused as kids and have gone through so much to work through it all. Finding a balance of keeping them safe and letting go some as they get older is tricky and scary.

[thedenverduo]

I was also abused as a child, and get overly anxious just thinking about future situations. I only have one child right now and he is only 7 months, so I'm obviously not dealing with anything right now.

Please read The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. These books are incredible reads about trusting your intuition. de Becker give clear and concise lists of things to look for, things that are red flags, how to handle potential situations, and most importantly: how to avoid an abusive/dangerous situation in the first place. After reading these books and discussing them at length with my dh/friends and family I feel much more calm and ready for anything.

HTH!

[mummyofan]

As a Woman who was inappropriately touched as a 19 yr old by my paternal Grandfather, (I wouldn't call it abuse as he had Altzheimers and it happened once), I would have to agree that I won't be fearful of the world, but I will let my instincts guide my decisions on my childrens' safety.
I won't be leaving my children alone for playtimes with people I don't know - there's only 1 person i know well enough to do that with.
I have a srict rule that no topic is taboo in our house. Even now, I tell my DS that although I teach them to use their manners and say please thanks etc, that they don't have to always be polite, and to tell me if they're worried or scared.
On the flip side, i also teach them how much joy there is in the world.

I came across a great book which has helped identify feelings, and has started an ongoing topic in our house;
The Way I Feel by Janan Cain.
Excellent book.

Mine is a very 'low grade' story, I'm almost ashamed to give it typing space!
I think the posts before and I'm sure after me are very brave, and I look forward to reading all the views

[phoenix78]

Thank you Mamas. Really. I think it helps to just know I'm not the only one living with such anxiety. DD#1 and I have a very solid relationship. We talk about everything and I tell her every day that she could come to me. I want to believe that if something scary ever happened to her she would come to me. But I never told until I was 13 (and not believed) and then again unti 19. The trauma of sex abuse doesn't even register for some kids as to what to do about it. I couldn't even name my experience as wrong until I was at least 11-12, mostly because my perp made it all a "game."

I really appreciate the advice you all gave and have known about getting deBecker's book but was waiting a bit until I felt like it wouldn't trigger me into a nervous breakdown. The thing is, I was a mental health counselor. I used to work at a rape crisis center. I have a degree in trauma counseling. I GET the intellectual/academic/pscyhology end of it all and am a fairly good counselor for other women, but the emotional side I experience with my own children....that just throws all that knowledge right out the window it seems. I can't seem to talk myself down from the panic edge when I get up there.

I've found it generally helps to avoid my father's family. My grandmother (perp's wife) and I have a very thin relationship. She only sees my children every one to two years (or in the case of my baby, shows up uninvited at the hospital post-birth and hasn't seen her since). I don't trust any of the others in m father's family because I was convinced (and since my uncle's arrest, am sure) that all the children (9 siblings all together) were abused and no one EVER dealt with it. They are all alcoholics, anorexics, anger issues, etc. Except my dad. He seems the most normal of them all. And while he won't deny the abuse anymore, he seems to take the older generations' idea that you don't air dirty laundry and that talking about it will only make it worse. Which is why I can't leave him alone with my kids anymore. I let my mom watch them regularly at my house during the day and on very rare occassions (like the day after my baby was born) I let them both babysit,but only at my house so I can ensure none of the other relatives "drop by" as they so frequently did when I was growing up and still do. And I've stopped the occassional over nights I allowed when DD#1 was a baby since my uncle was arrested.

I guess the issue I struggle with most with m dad is feeling guilty for assuming he is like the rest of his family. I don't want to believe that and he has never done anything for me to ever question his intention as ever being anything but truly loving to my children. But he didn't protect me and I guess that is why I feel like I can't trust that he could protect my girls.

Sorry, this is so long, I wanted to respond to some of the postings and got off topic - therapy here I come back.

Since I have generally stopped using my parents to babysit, we don't go out much. When we do, we take kids with us or we use one woman I do trust to babysit. DD#1 went to daycare 2x a week at a center with video cams and certified teachers because I felt that was a safer bet than having someone alone in the house with her. I have had a hard time since she started pre-k; being extra cautious about the teachers, asking her lots of questions. The pre/post bathroom idea is a good one. We went to two religious ed classes at church and when they asked the parents to leave at the third class (mostly due to the small size of the room I assume and wanting to give parents the break to enjoy the service), I couldn't do it so we didn't go back. Which I feel bad about because she enjoyed it.

Part of what I'm wondering is how it is that you don't overly scare your child? I think part of what is hard for me also is that my abuse started at the age DD#1 is now. So I am definitely struggling with what a PP identified as what is "my issues" and what is a real concern about her. The issue I had with my uncle was that (of course) he was the only one in my father's family that I did like (wouldn't say trust, but at least liked) and I had a really good relationship with him the one time a year or so I saw him. He was the one I would have least suspected as a pedophile (church elder, apparent loving father to 4 kids, etc.) and was the most dangerous. So since his arrest my ability to trust my gut instinct has been trashed. But I do suppose I had enough trust to know that regardless of how much I liked him, I still wouldn't leave him alone with my kids. And I guess I feel the same about my dad, which makes me both feel like a good protector to my kids but it is mingled with a lot of sadness and guilty feelings too.

Sorry for the super long post. I reallly appreciated your sharing your stories.

[meemee]

for me what helped was my spirituality.

i was abused both as a child and as a teenager. raped.

however for some reason i dont have the fear for my dd. i live in a dense pedofile area but i never check lists.

and i dont live in fear.

it was interesting in dc when a child was pulling my dd's clothes off, instead of fear i discovered i felt so much compassion for that little boy who was being abused. that did factor in changing my dd's dc which i was contemplating anyways. i was going to change and heming and hawing but that did it.

dd is 7. one thing i have noticed is her 'antenna' for people. i trust her completely. even as a baby if she didnt want to go to anyone, or talk to anyone or say hi or smile, she didnt have to. there were unwashed mentally ill people she has felt drawn to and chatted and i have nto stopped her. yet when she wanted to run in the opposite direction from this pleasant looking guy i followed her. i have encouraged that side of her - of picking up whatever with the people.

right now she is out with 3 of my friends to go out for dinner and a movie. they are all men. she loves them dearly. and they her.

i started talking about touching when she was 3. i told her no one NO ONE is allowed to touch her privates without her permission. not even daddy or mommy. i never did the stranger with her.

its my spiritual belief that gives me the strength. it has to because my dd is independent. way too independent. she has been going out with my friends since she was 3 years old and she DID NOT want me there. they werent babysitting. they were just taking her as company to the store, or a walk or something.

i havent been overtly cautious (she goes to the bathroom alone, has been since she was 5) but i do keep my eyes all over.

to me its just too painful to imagine that everyone is a pedofile - women and children included - not just men. i just cannot live in a world like that.