Partner and I can't agree!

[Amigagirl]

Hi there,
This is my first post although I've been a lurker since my pregnancy.
I have a wonderful DD who will be 5 months next week. We co-slept until she was 3 months and then moved her to her crib beside our bed for most of the night, and I would let her stay with me after her last nursing session around 4-5 am. I loved co-sleeping but it was just too hard on my neck/back, my boyfriend was getting no sleep and it was causing a lot of stress on our relationship.
DD has never slept more than 4 hours at a time but for a while her sleeping was ok. she would go down around 7, wake up to feed when I went to bed around 11 and then be up 2 or 3 times again until 7/ 7:30 a.m. She is now waking up every 1-2 hours from 7 pm on and it's getting unbearable. My boyfriend is now sleeping in another room on an airmattress and I have been bringing her back into bed with me because I'm just too exhausted to try to get her back into her crib. She screams and cries as soon as I lay her down or will go quietly and then scream and cry about 10 min. later. I am exhausted.
I have read and re-read the NCSS and while I'm implementing some of the suggestions, it's just not seeming to make a lot of difference and this past week has been the worst ever. She had a bit of a cold so I understood, but she's better and it's still nonstop wakings.
My boyfriend is at the point that he thinks she is controlling me and I'm making her dependent. He and I have argued so much about this in the past week and he told me today that I have until she is 6 months to do it ''my way'' and if it doesn't work, then he is going to let her CIO. I'm so upset by this and so want to prove him wrong, that DD can sleep longer stretches without CIO, but I'm really wondering if that is true right now, I feel so doubtful, I'm sure it's compounded because I'm sleep deprived.

What do you do when you and your partner have such different beliefs about child rearing? We talked about some things before we had her, but this never came up and now we are at such opposite ends of the spectrum, I don't know what to do! He sees other babies who sleep most of the night, and listens to people he knows who say that CIO is the only way. He is NOT interested in studies or what ''experts'' say, so that is pointless.. I've tried.

I'm not sure if this is a rant or if I'm looking for advice... I am just really, really frustrated!

[newmommy7-08]

Honestly... I'd ask him if he planned on tying me to a chair or restraining me in some other way because NO ONE.... not even my husband prevents me from responding to my child. DS slept through the night at about 7 1/2 weeks old we've never done CIO so that's NOT the answer.

With DS he started STTN as soon as we had his reflux under control. Such frequent wakings could be normal for your DD, but there also could be a reason. W/ DS before we got him on his meds he wouldn't sleep more than 5-10 minutes laying on his back and no more than 1-2 hours laying on his belly. The acid would make sleep impossible for him. So if you're looking for a reason as to why she isn't sleeping, I'd rule out reflux, and if you're nursing some kind of food intolerance maybe? If you're nursing I'd also keep in mind that one of the reasons it's so perfect for baby is there isn't all the junk in it that keeps baby feeling fuller longer so she may just be hungry again. (I FF'd DS so please don't think I mean junk in a negative way)

A 4, 5 or 6 month old is not controlling you. She has no way to communicate other than crying when she needs something. Some babies don't STTN until they're a year or older. This is completely normal. I'm pretty confrontational so if my husband ever gave me an ultimatum like that I'd give him one back, either deal w/ it or there's the door. I'm sorry if this doesn't help mama. I just get very irritated when people say you have to just let a helpless baby cry cause it's the only way. Kids are an inconvenience compared to our prekid lives. Mostly because we have to put their needs first. This is a learning curve for all parents. Maybe your BF just needs more time. I don't know. What I do know is that I would make it crystal clear that CIO is NEVER going to be an option with a child I raise.

[Loralz]

I don't have words of wisdom for you regarding dealing with your BF, but I can tell you that months 4-7/8 were the hardest for us, sleepwise. Babies are learning SOOO much and then there's teething and etc. Even if you cio or ff, this is still a time of night-wakings. About month 9, Wee One started sleeping more on her own without having to be right.next.to.me all night long. Now, starting about a year old, she only does that when she isn't feeling good.

And yes, she should still be dependent at this stage. I mean, she's only 5 months old. If she could change her own diaper, then it might be time to talk about being independent, but at 5 months?

http://www.askmoxie.org/2006/02/qa_what_are_sle.html may be a good article to share with him.

[K-Mom3]

That is so frustrating. I wouldn't count on getting dd to sttn, in her own bed, by 6 months. It sounds like you already know this. It is just not that common without cio.

The idea of making your baby dependent is so old fashioned. Babies are born dependent. They are not made that way by their parents.

Ask him if he'll fully support you in the ncss for a given amount of time. If he's not willing to put in some work to help this happen (maybe every other night?)....I don't see that it is reasonable for him to be calling the shots on major parenting decisions.

I would work on your problem solving skills as a couple. Figuring out what to do when you just aren't going to agree is a true test for a relationship. And if you are thinking such opposite things about sleep, it will come up over and over again with other parenting situations. You have to figure out a way to get past these road blocks or your relationship will quickly deteriorate.

When dh gets tired of having a baby in the bed, we have a talk about it together. We consider BOTH of our needs and the baby's physical and emotional needs and figure out what to do. Recently, when dd2 was 14 months and we moved her out of our bed and (gradually) night weaned, dh took the night shift all the time for a few weeks--because I knew that dd2 would go balistic if she saw me.

But there are other options to consider. What about doing the sidecar crib thing, for example? Sidecar Crib
Would that help anything?

[3 Star Mom]

CIO is also not a sure fire solution. I will confess that I did it once when things were so bad I felt that I could not cope . Never again. It helped short term.

There will always be night wakings on and off. Even kids that sleep very well sometimes have bouts of night wakings. Even Ds, now 3, still goes through nights where he is wakes up a lot. Not as common now that he's older but it still happens.

Babies are babies and this is what they do. They need their mamas and they need comfort. The transition from womb to world is a HUGE change for them. Keep in mind that she is used to being held and comforted 24/7 in the womb. Even if you could hold her for 12hrs. a day you have still cut her back by half. I say this to get to the point that she is not controlling you or manipulating you, and you are in no way spoiling her, you are fulfilling a need.

[leigh09]

my husband sometimes gets irritated with cosleeping. however, i do have on my side that he is anti-cio also.

i have noticed a strong correlation between him getting annoyed with cosleeping and how well our love life is going. i find as long as i reassure him that cosleeping will not interfere with our relationship (and ensure he is getting enough attention) and that he knows it makes me a better mother to our children because then i get enough rest, he is pretty ok with it.

and he also knows it is not forever -- we have although, moved 2 kids out of our bed already and currently have baby #3 in with us. with baby #1 we both needed the reassurance that it wouldn't be forever.

however, with my dh the key is a good love life, he isn't as interested in the research studies and such either