Being 'out' ... or not

[darkpear]

This is a subject that's been on my mind lately for some reason...

DP (male) and I (female) are both bisexual. I am very much out and have been for years. He is totally in the closet. I feel it's a personal decision and I support his choice, but it kinda gets to me sometimes... it seems like living a lie, ya know?

Anyone else in this position? Any thoughts?

[AdinaL]

This is an interesting question.

I am out to my friends. But to some people - the hassle of explaining it would be more than the feeling of satisfaction of being out. My dad is a great example. No need to explain it. He wouldn't get it and I don't feel the need.

So, i guess I can see both sides of the coin. If he just doesn't feel the need to discuss it with people, then that's cool.

The only thing that would set my radar off would be if he actively tried to hide it. That would make me

[darkpear]

Originally posted by AdinaL
The only thing that would set my radar off would be if he actively tried to hide it. That would make me

That's just it. DP works for twin brothers (they are also longtime friends and former roommates of his) who are generally very nice people but terribly homophobic. Well, to be precise, they are in the "gay men are disgusting but lesbians are A-OK" camp - don't get me started on that : Anyways, he feels that outing himself to these folks would cause problems both in the workplace and with the friendship. And I think he's right.

I dunno. For me, my sexuality is an important part of my identity. I really bristle when ignorant people tell me that I'm 'not bi anymore' because I happen to be in a monogamous relationship with a man. I don't run around waving a banner but I certainly don't make a secret of it, and everyone who plays a significant part in my life knows, except my grandmother who's old and frail and very religious and would likely be very stressed out by the knowledge. I just don't understand the desire to stay closeted, and I was hoping somebody could perhaps shed some light on it for me...

[Irishmommy]

Originally posted by darkpear
Anyways, he feels that outing himself to these folks would cause problems both in the workplace and with the friendship.

I just don't understand the desire to stay closeted, and I was hoping somebody could perhaps shed some light on it for me...

Didn't you just answer your own question?

[Arduinna]

Yeah, I think you answered it yourself. I can completely understand why he wouldn't want to out himself to homophobic coworkers.

I'm mostly out. Not to my parents for the same reason Adina mentioned, it just wouldn't serve any purpose.

"I really bristle when ignorant people tell me that I'm 'not bi anymore' because I happen to be in a monogamous relationship with a man. "

I soooo hear you on that one. That usually comes from someone that is hetero and doesn't get it though.

[darkpear]

nak

hmm Irishmommy, Arduinna, you're right wrt that end of things. He's also closeted to family though, and his family are a really easy-going and tolerant bunch.

Oh well. It's not a major issue in our relationship, I guess I should just write it off as a 'different strokes' sort of thing.

[alexisyael]

we're both bi (me maybe more than him -- his attractions to men have been few and far between -- he's picky in general. me i am about equal in my attractions, leaning sometimes to one or the other gender....).

he's not out at all ('cept w/ me and when it comes up randomnly with various friends). but it's just cuz he's shy, and it doesn't come up much, kwim? (we're monogamous by choice). it's not like he's in a closet either -- he's open about it, but it doesn't come up much!

both his parents are bi (mom is now a lesbian -- dated both genders before marriage, and only women after divorce). mine aren't even bi-friendly, but i told my mom a long time ago (tho i'm sure she thinks of it as a phase, or maybe thinks it no longer matters cuz i am married! ha!) she's not been happy about it, but whatever!

BTW, even tho his parents would most likely be cool about his being bi, he's not comfortable discussing anything that personal with them. no worries to me, tho I am the opposite!

I told his mom a long time ago, but she also looks at it as a "all or nothing" thing now (you're either gay or you're not. Being bi doesn't even fly on her radar. This is the main attitude I get from older gay/lesbian folks.)

we have been having fun living in our city's gay district -- our (gay male) friends/neighbors get kinda flustered when M says things like, "yeah. he is hot!" they're not really up on the "bi but married" thing... oh well... their loss!

almost all my women friends are bi. I personally think of it the norm, myself. At least of my age group (almost 30).

[Indigo73]

Dh and I are both bi too. He is actually more out than I am.

Although my mom knows and his doesn't. Course I told my mom when I was a teen - a happily androgynous pagan goth. My mom actually thinks I've outgrown that "phase." LOL Sometimes I miss those days.

I don't hide who I am but I don't generally volunteer it either.

[Jentle]

Originally posted by darkpear
I really bristle when ignorant people tell me that I'm 'not bi anymore' because I happen to be in a monogamous relationship with a man.

Yeah, I married a woman, but that doesn't mean I'm not still attracted to men. (I'm far more straight than I am gay, K just happens to be an extraordinary woman.)

Years ago I found it amusing how much a certain friend liked to point out to people that I was bi... I never considered myself closeted in any way, but my sexuality has always been so much a part of me that it rarely occurred to me to point it out. It would have been like reminding people I have two feet.

Now that I'm with a woman it seems to come up a bit more... usually when someone calls me a lesbian and I get that moment of cognitive dissonance...