Handling my 10 yo DD's sexuality

[harrietsmama]

My dd is just heading into puberty.

She's always had a boy she likes, since K and so far it's only been 2, and she still writes and calls the first one. I like this about her very much - the longevity.

She has also always felt very comfortable with her body, so I feel great about allowing her to develop confidence, by modeling comfort with my own body - naked is ok.

We were reading a book called Questions about sex and growing up. When we got to the part about masturbation, she said "I do that!" and I said, "that's great honey" and left it at that. on other occasions, she was reading my old copies of Hip Mama and came across one about the purple friend or something - it was about a vibrator. she was blushing and asked if she should be reading it. I said if you want to, there's nothing wrong with it, let me know if you have questions. We watched the original Parenthood movie a few weeks back and we got to the vibrator scene so she was laughing but not sure what it was. I said it's a toy older people use to make there genitals feel really good.
The other day when she was in the tub, she was pouring water on herself and laughing and said "it makes my pee pee feel really good RIGHT HERE!" I said "yes it does, lots of women use water to make themselves feel good, but ya know, I don't really want to watch, ok?"

So I like how are discussions are going, but I feel really awkward, even though I want it to be this open.

I don't know what exactly I am asking for, but those of you who have gone through this stage, what can you tell me about making it easier for me? I have an easy time talking with my own mom, my friends, but I'm having a tough time - maybe because I have an abuse history?

[AbbieB]

I think you are doing great! Your open, honest, and direct. I don't think you can improve on that.

My 6 year old went through a body exploration period and would ask uncomfortable questions and share uncomfortable details. Thankfully we have not talked about vibrators yet, I'm sure we will some day. I've had to remind her that masturbation needs to be private.

All of it was uncomfortable at first, but it got easier.

[Linda on the move]

Why are you in the room when your 10 year old is taking a bath?

I think you should have a conversation about how masturbation is private, what is appropriate to talk to her friends about, what is appropriate to do to other people or let other people do to you.

It sounds like she's figured out that certain things feel good, but doesn't have a context for behavior. It's great to be straight forward about The Facts of Sexuality, but I think we also owe it to our chldren to let them know that their sexuality isn't just about feeling good.

[harrietsmama]

Thanks Abbie!

Linda, I'm not really sure what you were trying to say.

Why am I in the bathroom? because we only have one, and she likes to have my help washing her hair so she gets all the conditioner out. We aren't very modest about that stuff. If we actually want privacy, we ask for it and it's respected, but it's not common.

What besides feeling good would you consider sexuality? She is well versed in procreation, I'm a former Bradley teacher, my kids grew up watching birth videos and looking at anatomy diagrams etc. They were already asking questions about the mechanics of sex when gosh I don't know how old they were, but very young. I answered the questions as they were presented.
but I don't consider any of that part sexuality.

We've also talked a lot about good touch bad touch, gut feelings etc. And which parts are not for anyone else to touch, but I also don't consider that sexuality.

[*bejeweled*]

[QUOTE=Linda on the move;15232329]Why are you in the room when your 10 year old is taking a bath?


I see nothing wrong with the fact that she's in the bathroom with her daughter when she's bathing. Totally natural.

OP, you're doing a wonderful job being open and frank with your DD.

[bestjob]

I'll land square in the middle. Moms help kids with all sorts of everyday things and sometimes the kids are naked and then start having interesting feelings.

Good feelings are the ones that don't have extra questions attached. They're the feelings where you give your dd the freedom to request privacy and to know when you want her to take it.

That would mean that when your dd says "That feels good on my pee-pee" you say "Do you want me to leave alone for a few minutes, or do you want to just rinse your hair and get ready for bed?"

All said in a neutral voice, of course.

Bad feelings are the ones that get shut down because mom doesn't know how to graciously excuse herself.

Well, we all have a load of laundry that needs to be put in the dryer or a cup of tea that needs to be sipped or a crossword puzzle that needs to be solved or a stall that needs to be mucked.

Honestly how hard is it in a momma's day to find something that takes us away? Why should we begrudge our daughters the same pleasure? It's a nice little need to understand the pleasure of our own sexuality.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by bestjob

That would mean that when your dd says "That feels good on my pee-pee" you say "Do you want me to leave alone for a few minutes, or do you want to just rinse your hair and get ready for bed?"

Perfect! Thank you, this is the kind of thing I think I was looking for, I was stumbling on my words, but I wanted to say something good. Thank you!

And thank you all for your support and affirmation that I'm doing well. Like I said in my op, I had abuse and it was very early on so my perception of what's normal and how to nurture that is missing. I'm making it up as I go, drawing on what I read.

[bestjob]

For sure I am not the best mom around. However, I did hear a really great piece of advice from a friend who is a sexual health educator.

"Answer the question with information. Anything else is just weird."

I do my best to implement these kinds of statements when they feel right for me and my family.

[mamahart]

For what it's worth, I still sit and chat with my 13 dd when she is in the tub sometimes....like I did with my mom. Not wierd at all in my family.

It sounds like you are doing better than me, I still squirm when my dd wants to talk about vibrators, sex seems like a fine topic, but I get a little nervous about masturbation discussions!! Its funny, cause I am pretty open about most things, it just was never something I talked to people about and now it's like a whole new world!