mean kids - Page 2

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Originally Posted by mama2toomany

As a mama to a special needs child I can say I would have been ticked at someone being stern with my child, especially saying something so confusing as No Thank You. It just wouldn't make sense to her or to me. If it ever happened that my child did something like that, I would much rather the parent of the "victim" come to me

I wouldn't be. It's the parent's job to make sure their kids aren't throwing sand on other kids. If there is a special needs child, or a sand thrower, the parent shouldn't be sitting down reading a magazine.


I think saying "No thank you" is a little confusing to a child though.

But, if I am not watching my own child, the other parents in the park have every right to stop my child from hurting their kids.

[NiteNicole]

And yes, if I saw my son doing this exact same behavior, I would have said the exact same thing in the same firm voice: "No, thank you. We don't throw sand." I'm not sure why this is being interpreted as not GD or confusing???

I agree with you. If some kid is repeatedly throwing sand at your child the reasonable thing to do is to ask them to stop and remind them of the rules. And if you have to raise your voice to get their attention, I don't see the problem. You're outside. There's a lot of noise. You want to be heard. Whispering won't exactly get it and being loud and firm may attract the attention of whatever adult is responsible for this child. YELLING at the kid wouldn't be cool, but speaking firmly and directly and loud enough to be heard is totally reasonable.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and reminding children of rules. If there's no adult there with them, I'm certainly not going to sit and wait till someone may or many not wander over and stop the kid from covering mine in sand. Apart from being a PITA to get out hair and clothes, it's no fun in the eyes and really it's just basic park manners that you don't throw the ground covering at people.

If you had said, "Hey you little brat, stop being so GD evil and throwing the effing sand," that would be a problem. If you tried to put the kid in time out, ditto. But asking a child not to throw sand and reminding them of the rules is reasonable.

If you go to public places with your kids and don't stay right on top of them, you have to expect that at some point an adult is probably going to say something to them if they're throwing things at other children. I know I stay a lot closer to my four year old when there are mostly younger children in a play area. I know from personal experience that the big kids seem so large and rough and shouty when you're trying to keep your 18 month old from getting trampled.

The only thing I object to is calling the kid mean. Maybe she is, some kids are, and maybe she just wanted to throw some sand. They all do. When older kids do age-appropriate things, it can SEEM so deliberate and mean when yours is younger. Then your kid gets that age and one day you think, oh for goodness sake, how many times am I going to have to tell her not to throw sand!

[pianojazzgirl]

I think the "no thank you" is confusing because usually we say "no thank you" when someone offers us something that we don't want. In this case "please don't throw sand at my dc" seems clearer. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said to the girl (it doesn't seem overly-harsh or anything), but I can see how it might have been confusing/not made sense to her.

(Just trying to explain where I think some other pp's are coming from... )

[new2this]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

I think the "no thank you" is confusing because usually we say "no thank you" when someone offers us something that we don't want. In this case "please don't throw sand at my dc" seems clearer. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said to the girl (it doesn't seem overly-harsh or anything), but I can see how it might have been confusing/not made sense to her.

(Just trying to explain where I think some other pp's are coming from... )

Thats how I took the "no thank you" being confusing.

[JustSo]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

I think the "no thank you" is confusing because usually we say "no thank you" when someone offers us something that we don't want. In this case "please don't throw sand at my dc" seems clearer. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said to the girl (it doesn't seem overly-harsh or anything), but I can see how it might have been confusing/not made sense to her.

(Just trying to explain where I think some other pp's are coming from... )

oic... I see that now, too. It's just that I've used it for so long, it's what I say, and I've heard tons of parents here say it, too, in place of "please stop" or "please don't", perhaps to be more "polite." maybe it's a regional preference?

[mama2toomany]

Originally Posted by JustSo

I'm curious then what would do or have done if/when someone else's child was being aggressive with your child when the caregiver isn't around or noticing?

behavior.

I understand being flustered with other peoples kids. It happens a lot to us, my daughter has some major delays and a lot of kids her age do not understand that she just can't do the things they can do. She doesn't "get" some kinds of play, and because of that she does get picked on a bit.

I never talk to other peoples kids, I usually remove my child from that situation. Works for me.

I would seriously hate it and probably pitch a fit if someone tried to scold my daughter, cause they do not know her, or her delays. But I do watch my child very well.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by JustSo

I'm curious then what would do or have done if/when someone else's child was being aggressive with your child when the caregiver isn't around or noticing?

I'm only speaking for myself, of course, but I see nothing wrong with the way you handled things. I don't make it my personal mission to reprimand/instruct other kids when their parents are present (physically AND mentally), but if they are doing something obnoxious or dangerous and nobody is engaging with them, I will definitely tell them to stop it...especially if my own kids are involved.

I also think that speaking up when someone is being bothersome is a good example to show for your kids. I don't want my kids growing up thinking they have to just sit and take whatever garbage other people dish out.

And if my kids ever overstepped boundaries when I was not present, I would expect the responsible adults in proximity to let them know their behavior was not welcome.

I, too, was also somewhat perplexed by the "no, thank you." That's not a phrase I would ever use in that situation, but like you said, it's probably a regional thing.

[lerlerler]

This happened to us last week.
My 3 year old son had sand thrown in his face by three older girls (5?). I stepped in and said "please stop" and if they HAD? It would have been over. No biggie.

Instead? They threw another handful and LAUGHED when he started freaking out and crying.

The giggling made me madder than the sand.

"where is your grownup?" I asked (lots of nannies that day)

And they pointed her out, so I told her.

I wish I hadn;t. I get the distinct feeling they got spanked when they got home

[Lolagirl]

Originally Posted by mama2toomany

I understand being flustered with other peoples kids. It happens a lot to us, my daughter has some major delays and a lot of kids her age do not understand that she just can't do the things they can do. She doesn't "get" some kinds of play, and because of that she does get picked on a bit.

I never talk to other peoples kids, I usually remove my child from that situation. Works for me.

I would seriously hate it and probably pitch a fit if someone tried to scold my daughter, cause they do not know her, or her delays. But I do watch my child very well.

I think the part I bolded is the most important though. You watch your kid and try to head this stuff off before it becomes a problem, and it sounds like you are the kind of conscientious parent I wish I encountered more commonly. Unfortunately, I've also seen my kids get mistreated by other kids while their parent/caregiver was either nowhere to be seen or was completely unwilling to step in and redirect their own child's actions. I have no compunction with intervening when some kid is hitting mine or whatever while their responsible adult is either MIA or doesn't appear to care what the child is up to.

This is kind of a hot button thing for me right now because there is a boy in my sons' class that routinely singles out one of mine (hitting, kicking, pushing) while his mother stands there like nothing is going on. It drives me nuts. Just last week I had to intervene 3 times (saying politely "please don't hit") in just a few minutes while the kid repeatedly hit mine over the head. Mom was standing right there watching and didn't say a word. By the last wack I finally raised my voice in the hopes that it might shake some sense into the mother, but no luck. At least the kid stopped hitting my son after that. Bottom line, there is simply no way am I going to stand around while my small child is getting abused by another child, especially when the parent seems disinterested in stopping the behavior themself.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Lolagirl

I think the part I bolded is the most important though. You watch your kid and try to head this stuff off before it becomes a problem, and it sounds like you are the kind of conscientious parent I wish I encountered more commonly. Unfortunately, I've also seen my kids get mistreated by other kids while their parent/caregiver was either nowhere to be seen or was completely unwilling to step in and redirect their own child's actions.

Exactly. Little kids NEED supervision. If you (general "you") won't teach your child to behave, then others will have to.

[JustSo]

Originally Posted by lerlerler

This happened to us last week.
My 3 year old son had sand thrown in his face by three older girls (5?). I stepped in and said "please stop" and if they HAD? It would have been over. No biggie.

Instead? They threw another handful and LAUGHED when he started freaking out and crying.

The giggling made me madder than the sand.

"where is your grownup?" I asked (lots of nannies that day)

And they pointed her out, so I told her.

I wish I hadn;t. I get the distinct feeling they got spanked when they got home

this is EXACTLY why I chose not to tell the mom/caregiver in my situation. I just have a feeling that that's how it is in their family.

A couple weeks ago at this same playground in our neighborhood, a little boy (looked to be about 2 yo) pushed my friend's daughter (4.5 yo) in his zeal to get onto the spinning thing (kids sit or stand on it and make it spin around...can't for the life of me figure out a name for it, so "spinning thing" will have to do...). To me, it was clearly an act of a enthusiastic toddler trying to get on a fun ride and accidentally knocking over a slightly older child. I went over to see if she was ok, and the dad rushed over, grabbed his boy roughly and smacked him on the bottom, "you say you're sorry right now!" The boy was soooooo young, it wasn't even appropriate in my mind.

My point is... you just never know.

[JustSo]

Originally Posted by 2xy

I don't make it my personal mission to reprimand/instruct other kids when their parents are present (physically AND mentally), but if they are doing something obnoxious or dangerous and nobody is engaging with them, I will definitely tell them to stop it...especially if my own kids are involved.

[GoBecGo]

OP was your son actually upset by all this?

I must be in a particularly terrible city, but here sand throwing is pretty much a daily occurrence and i can't imagine anyone getting as worked up about it as this thread seems to be! They are kids, they throw sand - the rule "don't throw sand" exists because it's pretty much the FIRST thing they all want to do!

[JustSo]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

OP was your son actually upset by all this?

I must be in a particularly terrible city, but here sand throwing is pretty much a daily occurrence and i can't imagine anyone getting as worked up about it as this thread seems to be! They are kids, they throw sand - the rule "don't throw sand" exists because it's pretty much the FIRST thing they all want to do!

Yes, he was. He lets lots of things roll off his back, but not this. Imagine a one-sided snowball fight, only with sand and scowls, not smiles and laughter. Sand gets thrown plenty here, too, in southern California. We expect it, but this was not your typical wayward or playful or experimental sand toss.

As for people getting worked up about it, the discussion has broadened into disciplining others' kids when yours is on the receiving end of aggression.

[GirlBoyGirlBoy]

I think it's interesting that people are getting all caught up in the "no, thank you" part of the interaction yet many seem to think that saying "please don't throw sand" is fine... To me saying "please" in this situation implies that the other person doesn't necessarily need to comply--sort of like a question. I would have just said "hey! don't throw sand, it isn't okay to do that." and been done with it

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Yup, I'm totally ok with the "No, Thank-you" part too. I do agree that "Stop!" would also work, but around here, "No, Thank-you" is a VERY heavily used phrase to get a child to stop whatever they are doing and listen to the adult. It is nearly always followed by an instruction such as "We don't throw sand". I am betting it is partly a regional thing, honestly.

I also completely understand the mama bear coming out when your child is the victim of another child's misbehavior. I was at an indoor play structure just a few days ago, and a family came in with two children who looked about 10 and 6ish and left them to go get food. The structure was in a seperate room with doors that close, and it is completely impossible to see or hear children inside when you are outside getting food.

Almost immediately, DS3 started following around the older child. She didn't seem to like him following her, and said so to me, to which I replied, "He likes older kids, and probably wants to play with you, but you can ask him not to follow you if you want, but he is going to be playing here for a little while longer". She did ask him, but he did keep following her, although he wasn't talking to her, or touching her, and was actually a few steps behind her, so I didn't intervene. Well, she started saying things to her younger brother like, "Look at the BABY, he's such a little BABY!" "Oh no! Run away! I don't want the BABY near me!" She was placing such emphasis on the word "BABY", which I knew was hurting DS's feelings. I heard him say, "I am not a baby, I am a big boy!". She then was saying things like, "I think we lost him!" "Yay!!!! I don't want to play with the BABY!" "Oh no! Here he comes! Quick get away from that BABY!" I finally just asked DS to come down and packed up. I did say to the older girl that she was being very mean to DS as I left. Totally unneccessary, and I felt a little funny saying it, but the parents were only just coming back into the room as we actually physically were going through the door to leave. It seriously had my hackles up and I was so angry at that little girl!

It is so hard to send our kids out there into the world where they can get hurt and not just want to lash out at anyone and everything that tries to hurt our kids, no matter how it is intended. Perhaps the little girl was playing a silly game that she usually played with her younger brother and was trying to draw DS into it, I will never know. Perhaps the little girl on the playground really had no clue that what she was doing was inappropriate, who knows, but it is still so frustrating, and you were absolutely correct to want to protect your little one.