Need help with yelling at my DC...

[Freedom~Mama]

Can anyone recommend any good books on gentle parenting? Or does anyone have any advice for me?

A bit of background info. I have been a SAHM for 6 years since I got pregnant with my oldest DD. Although I have loved being home with my DC it has been pretty stressful for me as well. My STBX (their father) and I were together for over 8 years and he was very abusive to me and to the kids. Because of that my DC do not act their age. They are 3 and 5 and my 5yo acts like she is about 2. I know a lot of their behavior (throwing fits, screaming, making huge messes, not listening to me etc) has to do with the environment they grew up in (just recently left STBX a month and a half ago) and so I am trying to be patient with them. By nature I am a very laid back and calm person, to the point that I am taken advantage of. Lately I have been very stressed with my divorce, school, the kids, money, living situation etc. and a few times have snapped and said horrible things to my children such as they are ruining my life, they are bad kids, that I want to leave and never come back etc. There have been two times in the past 6 weeks that I have said those things because I was just at my breaking point and exhausted. I feel so so horrible though and like such a bad Mother.

I want to be a calm and loving parent and a good Mother. I would do anything for my children. I would just love some feedback. How can I get my children to effectively listen to me, behave and respect me while using gentle discipline? I don't really know how. My parents screamed and spanked and that is what STBX does and I don't want to be like that. I never ever spank them but I know I am hurting them even more when I yell and say horrible things to them.

[newmum35]

I really liked this book and feel it helped me become a better parent. Maybe you'll find something here of value

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy

[Freedom~Mama]

Thank you!

[JustSo]

First of all... You are going thru a lot and need to be kind to yourself. Are you able to talk to someone on a regular basis to vent some of your frustrations? (a friend, parent, therapist?) You sound like you are trying to bottle up some of your rage, but that when your kids do something undesirable, you sort of "snap." Maybe it would help to be able to call or talk to someone when you need to release some of this anger.

Have you seen this thread?
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1097284

It's all about controlling anger in the moment. Lots of great ideas there.

hugs to you again, mama. hang in there. We all have our triggers and the trick is to figure out alternate ways of reacting and also how to avoid those triggers in the first place.

hth... peace to you and your family...

[Freedom~Mama]

Thank you very much for the link. That looks like a great and helpful thread.

[MommyDOK]

Sounds like you are going through a lot.

Do you have a counselor to help you through some of this? I found a lot of my adult-child issues came up once I had my own children. There were many times that I was so grateful for an ap therapist that understood my goal, but my difficulty in getting there.

Also, do you have a friend that could be an accountability partner?? Someone that you could check in w/ every couple days? I have a friend and we work on these things together. It helps to know you are not alone.

[SeaMother]

my experience

Hey I can relate. I too am a very laid back person. I'm raising a 5mo and 4yr by myself, and taking classes online until the baby's a bit older. Sometimes I'm nursing the baby/studying etc and my oldest will sneak over and for instance color on my vintage chair with a SHARPIE permanent marker or do something else destructive. I got really angry today esp. because I just bought her a TON (a set of over 50!) washable markers, and she really knows better, I think she is acting out or just daydreaming when she makes these HUGE messes. I try to get a little personal space when I nurse or she will distract the baby or climb all over us. Right now we live in a *tiny* cottage so I am always within 15 ft of her anyhow. All of this is contributing to feelings of exhaustion, making it harder to give her the positive attention she is craving. I hate it when I yell at her it doesn't help anyhow! How can I change my behavior and help her change hers so it's not so aggravating?:

Seamother

[SeaMother]

ps

I just wanted to add that I checked the link to the other thread and there were some good tips there.. especially about tips to "cool down in the moment." One of them my mother jokingly blames for my adding to my brother and sister's ADD---but which we know to work--the "distraction" method ie:
kid: whines screams hits etc::
mom: Quick! look over there! It's an elephant!
(Or as my dad, who still has little ones, says in reference to "Up": SQUIRREL!!!!)

I guess I was drawn to this thread originally because I would like to prevent DD acting out to the extent possible in the first place. There are only so many ways to kid proof a house... if they want to smear lipgloss all over the wall they will find a way!

So far here's what has worked for me:
* outside play everyday really de-stresses us both! Bad weather has been making it more difficult to go out with the baby in tow lately..
* 15 minutes of total attention for my oldest before I attempt to get stuff done.

I think a lot of her bad behavior (which triggers mine) is stress related due to her father and I separating last year. He definitely was a terrible model for her when we were living together: destructive, abusive towards me, and totally unhelpful. I feel like I've got some remaining issues and so does she. Maybe I should have started my own thread, but I felt like our concerns were quite similar. Any thoughts y'all??

SeaMother

[jbmk]

Thank you for the info. It's very helpful.

[kayleesmom]

just sending hugs and taking notes of the links in thread so i can learn too