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Any single Mamas that don't plan to date?

post #1 of 79
Thread Starter 
I am very excited to date one day but for now I have two LO's, have years of school ahead of me and need time to heal (STBX was abusive).

I am just wondering if there are any other Mamas here that are not planning on dating for a long time (by that I mean years) and if so how do you keep yourself from getting lonely? I am already lonely but know this is what I personally need to do for myself.
post #2 of 79
I am not planning on dating for a very long time. I have my babies, I have a job that takes up enough time from the kids, and I have things that I need to do.

I don't know what I'm going to do to keep from being lonely, I don't make friends well and I don't have time to try and meet anyone anyway.

I'll be watching this thread.
post #3 of 79
Thread Starter 
I am the same way.
post #4 of 79
I am planning to wait until my divorce is final or atleast a year. I have too much going on to give any attention to dating really. I am looking for friendships and praying for a partner someday. But if that never happens that would be ok. So long as my kids and I get thru this. Sometimes I think my son needs a stepdad desparately but he doesn't need me to pick the wrong guy. I'm in a new town and not even back to work yet.
post #5 of 79
Not planning on dating here, either. I'm not sure that I'll ever be ready, but then again, this is so new and raw. I don't make friends easily, either, so I'm not sure what I'll do about loneliness. I'm planning to go back to school as well, so between that and 5 kids, I think I'll have plenty to keep me busy.

I've spent a lot of my married life alone with the kids already (STBX is military) so I think it will be more of an emotional and financial adjustment than anything.

But I'll be watching this thread too.
post #6 of 79
I'm not interested in dating. My ex and I actually share a house at the moment until I finish school, so in the short term I worry that dating would make him uncomfortable. In the long term, I just feel I need to focus on my son. And it's not like I'm such hot property that the men would be beating my door down. I feel like it's too much effort to do the dating thing again at this point.
post #7 of 79
I didn't date for many years when my kids were younger. Keep busy and be involved in family activities...not hard when you're alone with kids
post #8 of 79
I'm in this club too. I've been out of my abusive relationship for just over a year. I'm so not ready to date. I'm trying to make local friends. I am also trying to get DD (2yo) involved in activities that will hopefully lead us to people for both of us to be friends with. I want friends before I date again too. That is a big criteria for me, to have local friends and a full life that I've built for DD and I.

I'm not putting a time limit on when I will let myself date again. I'm going to see how I feel. I'm working closely with a counselor towards the goal of eventually being able to have a healthy relationship. But right now the thought of seeking one out scares the bejezzus out of me. I can't even make eye contact with a cute stranger when I'm out shopping. Besides, DD is so much fun right now and any time I would devote to seeking a relationship would be taken away from her, and I think she needs me a lot right now.
post #9 of 79
I don't plan on dating anytime soon. This is all still very new, and I know if I rushed out I would be doing it for the wrong reasons and would most likely end up hurt again. STBX and I plan on staying legally married for awhile for benefits, and will probably live together for awhile in a co-parenting arrangement, so bringing someone home wouldn't even be an option! Plus I really need for my heart to heal. I also don't have a ton of friends here so my plan in the next few months is to go out and find things to get involved in. It will be hard for me but I know something that I need to do.
post #10 of 79
Count me in! I'm single, and for now loving it! I'm an introvert, so I like my time alone. And right now, my home is so peaceful with just me and Lincoln that I love it.

I'm so busy I don't have time to get lonely - so that solves that problem! I also make a conscious effort to leave my apartment at least once/day. Even if its just a quick run to the store up the street on a rainy day I make myself leave! Or if its just to do laundry, I make sure I do something that will expose me to other people. Lincoln likes getting out and about too - so its great!
post #11 of 79
I didn't date for a long time. It was definitely a good thing for me. Then I had a relationship which has just ended which lasted for about a year and a half (just wasn't going to go to "the next step" which was so irritating to me that I wasn't enjoying what it had to offer anymore).

I was one of those "functionally single" parents while married (no, really, he did nothing around the house or for the children and went months without income) so I actually felt less lonely once I finally was alone and there was no one there who should have been company but actually refused to speak to me much of the time. I was finally able to have phone conversations and spend time with friends without being criticized for it.

I think what's most helpful is changing the mindset from being a person without a mate and a family without a member to deciding that you are complete and whole just as you are and building life from there. It can be difficult to keep that in mind and there are plenty of people and situations to remind you that being single/being a family without two opposite-sex adults in a romantic partnership is not the expected "norm." Be whole and be well anyway.
post #12 of 79
I just wanted to jump in here to support you ladies! I left ds's bio-dad when ds was just under 2 months old. I didn't date AT ALL until he was 3 years and 5 months. I am so glad I made that decision. It allowed me to focus on my ds AND to focus on myself. When ds was 2 a friend of mine gave me a phone number to a friend of hers. I ended up calling him and we became good friends, talking half the night away We talked on the phone and via email for over a year before we decided to meet in person. During that year I had NO intention of it being anything more than a friendship. Once we met though, sparks flew. Long story short, 4 months after we met, ds and I moved 2 states away to dp's town to live with him. This was one of the best decisions I could have made. DS has made HUGE progress down here (he has autism and the help we could get in Michigan left much to be desired, there are so many more options where we are now). DS loves dp so much and considers him daddy. This summer will mark 3 years since ds and I moved here and we are a happy little family DP and I are engaged and everything is going great. I think the fact that we were friends first (for a long time before we met) really helped. Our relationship is not built on the sexual aspect, but on a deep friendship (the sex doesn't hurt though ).

And speaking of that.... there's nothing wrong with using a BOB while you're single
post #13 of 79
Man, this kind of thread brings back some fun memories filled with some old MDC buddies (Mocha... miss ya!) that I don't see anymore, as we had also started a similar thread.

Anyway, in the beginning of my single mama journey (wow... almost 7 years ago), I was feeling exactly the same way. Since then, I have been in two wonderful long-term relationships, but I am currently single.

I wouldn't say that I have NO desire to date, as I am open to the possibility, should someone strike my fancy. But, I am definitely not actively searching or looking to date.

In my almost 7 years of singledom, I have learned that there is a time and place for both NOT wanting to date, or even being open to dating, and being out there actively searching. It's an individual process and everyone needs to go at their own pace and readiness level.

The best gift you can give to both yourself and a potential partner/relationship is to be 100% happy and fulfilled with your life... as is!
post #14 of 79
Thread Starter 
I am so glad I started this thread. It really is making me feel empowered and like I am making the right decision in taking my time to date. I think sometimes I am still of the mindset that if you (people in general) aren't in a relationship that something is missing from your life. I see though that being single and having the time for other things (focusing on children, yourself, goals etc) can be a very rewarding and exciting time.

I hope to keep this thread up so we all have a place to check in with our non dating lives and how we are doing with being and staying single!

post #15 of 79
Yay! I am so glad you started this thread too! I think there is definitely a time to be single and focused on ourselves and our children. The most important relationship we will ever has is the one we have with ourselves.

Thanks the the experienced posters who came along to encourage us in our singledom.
post #16 of 79
Well, I'm just sticking my toes back in the dating waters now, but it's been almost 5 years. I really think the mentality that most people have that they're lacking something if they're single is really unhealthy. If you're not in a healthy place, or lacking something on your own....combining your life with someone in the same circumstance is NOT going to help. And it's very important to allow yourself a kind of emotional reset and recovery after coming out of any relationship. Just like it's important to give your muscles a rest after heavy exertion. If you just keep going and going, something's going to cramp up or sprain or even tare.

How to keep from feeling lonely, though. A creative outlet helps a lot. A lot of women are very crafty, and making sure you give yourself time for that kind of thing can help a lot. I'm not crafty, but I write...and I put my creativity into things for the kids. They had the most awesome bday parties and bedrooms when they were younger. We homeschooled, and I put a lot of thought and energy into planning field trips, leading in the homeschool group, lesson plans that felt like playing, etc.

Also, making sure to find some time for yourself. When they were little and I had no support, that just meant arranging our schedules so I was up later or earlier than the kids from time to time...and spend that time doing something NOT kid friendly. Watching a rented movie, tivo'd show, playing a video game, something I could never do with them around.

As they got older, they wanted less of my attention (no more cool bday parties, decorate their own rooms, take control of their own education)...but they are also old enough that they do things on their own some. If you have access to babysitting, this part applies too. I was able to have a bit of an actual social life at that point. Honestly, I still usually just do things on my own. I'm comfortable with me, and after the constant chatter of kids all day I really enjoy going out to dinner or a movie or what not without anyone else. I think the fact that I'm at that point kind of shows me I'm ready to start dating again....now I just have to figure out if I WANT to be.
post #17 of 79
It's very heartening to read this. My separation is pretty fresh, and getting into a relationship right now, or even in the next couple of years, is pretty much the last thing I have on my mind.

For now, I'm sticking to the basics- the kids, food, shelter, finding work- for now. I'm enjoying my peace at home and even starting to get a bit into the visitation schedule. I had my first job interview last week (fingers, toes, everything crossed!) and am excited at the prospect of being financially independent. There is just so much to do- once I get a job, I am going to be able to use my equity in the house to buy a house of my own.

But really alongside with having so much to do, I really have to think long and hard about myself alone and myself in a relationship. I was with my stbx for 22 years (12 of them married) and in so many ways that was not good for me (living with someone chronically depressed, his infidelity, his sense of entitlement). I lost myself trying to make him happy, which was an impossibility, to the point that I didn't know what made me happy anymore. My job now is to find that happy place within myself before I can share it with someone else.

I do worry about loneliness, but I am pretty outgoing and have a great, supportive circle of friends that are in my life. So far I haven't been lonely per se, but I have really missed my kids on their alternate weekends with stbx. I keep waiting for what everyone tells me what will eventually happen, that I will come to look forward to and enjoy these times, but I'm not there yet.
post #18 of 79
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExOfficia View Post
But really alongside with having so much to do, I really have to think long and hard about myself alone and myself in a relationship. I was with my stbx for 22 years (12 of them married) and in so many ways that was not good for me (living with someone chronically depressed, his infidelity, his sense of entitlement). I lost myself trying to make him happy, which was an impossibility, to the point that I didn't know what made me happy anymore. My job now is to find that happy place within myself before I can share it with someone else.
I was only with my STBX for 8 years but it was a very toxic relationship so I can understand what you mean about finding out what makes you happy. That is what I am trying to do as well.

BTW good luck with the job. I am crossing my fingers for you!
post #19 of 79
LOL, So I answered this thread and the neighborhood cutie came knocking and asked me out for tonight. To go to some friends to a neighboring town for drinks and dancing. He got my number and said he'd call me when he got done with this other event he had going on and now it's late and he hasn't called. I am so puzzled. But I really wanted to go OUT tonight.
Not so much to get in a serious relationship but just to get to know him a bit better. We do flirt here and there and I just thought he might be FUN to hang out with and I know none of the singles hangouts here and if I don't get some adult conversation I'm going to lose my mind.

When he asked me out I had just come back from walking the dogs. LOL. He just said fix your hair and I'll be back later. So here I am all dressed up and no place to go.

Edited to add: I shaved my legs and everything. I'm checking my phone like a school girl. LOL. Yes even called my sister and it is working properly.
post #20 of 79
Oh, good.

The love of my life is 2 yrs old. I divorced while less than 2 mo pregnant. I'm kind of like someone here, I don't have time for anyone, not even old friends on the phone.. That kind of sucks because, one recently wasn't too pleased when I admitted to not having time to even pick up the phone and listen to a message she left a week prior. I work full time out of the home, when I pick up my son from his babysitter granny, it's about him and I.

Also, I am afraid.. I watch reports about these boyfriends not being so nice to their girlfriend's child while she is away. Yeah, I am a bit paranoid..
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