So done with my grandma

[Norasmomma]

Where do I begin? My grandmother is a toxic, emotional bully, she treats me terribly and always has. She is a self absorbed, manipulative, immature baby. I really can't stand her at all, it used to be I rarely had to see her because she lived across the state from me. About 6 years ago she moved to be closer to my mom. I really didn't care too much until I had my DD 3.5 years ago, at first g-ma was nice saying how pretty, etc DD was, although she'd always tell me how terrible I looked as a new mom-she is just awful when it comes to looks. I actually looked fine, I had a baby lady, give me a break.

She has always said ALL of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren have issues, she thinks all the great-grandchildren are "retarded"(her words). I promised myself that if she said anything about my children I'd write her off, it's not like I care one iota about her, BUT my mom has her at every function. So when DD was 2, she decided DD had ADD, and she needed to get medical attention and possibly get drugs of some kind due to DD being an active 2 year old. I told her off, and said I would not drug my daughter and that she was an active little girl nothing more. I then come to find out from my mom my g-ma said it was not surprising since I was the same way. Well my mom made me feel b ad and I caved and spent some holiday functions with her again. I felt like I had to for my mom.

Anyway recently my grandmother had to be hospitalized and after she needed to take some pain medication, the same meds I had for my migraines with DS's pregnancy. I told her it was fine to take them if she was in pain and that they prescribe it to pg women. She then said "well no wonder your kids are the way they are you drug your babies." I'm done this time I friggin hate her, I refuse to spend any more time around her. My mom is in a way stuck due to the fact my mom lets herself be a door mat. G-ma treats her terribly, my uncle won't even talk to g-ma he hates her, and so do his kids who never see her. In a way I feel forced due to the fact that I want to see my mom I have to see her, but I am DONE, I mean soooooo done. Years of my being the grand-daughter that isn't her perfect granddaughter are just too much, now my children aren't good enough and are damaged from me.

I turned down Easter and my mom was kinda mad, I told her I was just done with grandma and I shouldn't have to see her. She then was catty and said, "well you last saw her at Christmas it's not like you are inundated with her." I just hate that my mom defends her when she knows how awful she is.

Ugh, thanks for reading my novel, I could go on and on, she's a nightmare.

[angelandmisha]

Good for you! I think you have to draw boundaries and protect your children when you become a mother. As hard as it may be, I think you'll feel better knowing you're not exposing your precious little ones to someone who will say horrible things to them sometime.

[Freedom~Mama]

Just wanted to give you a hug. that sounds like such a stressful situation and it sounds like you are making the best decision for yourself and your DD. Toxic relatives can be very frustrating.

[tanyam926]

Be proud of yourself for not taking it anymore.

You don't deserve to be treated that way, and your children don't deserve to be subjected to her meanness and cruelty.

Next to every toxic person there is an enabler, which is what your mother is right now. That's her choice, it's her life. She has to defend her position so that she doesn't have to face the reality of it.

[gothnurse3]

*****Next to every toxic person there is an enabler*****

Very well said!!!! Made me look at it differently for sure! I wish that everybody's family would just be family( unconditional love, trust, and support) but there always has to be a butt-head in every family. I'm sorry, and GOOD FOR YOU for sticking up for your babies!!!!

[2cutiekitties]

Originally Posted by tanyam926

Next to every toxic person there is an enabler, which is what your mother is right now. That's her choice, it's her life. She has to defend her position so that she doesn't have to face the reality of it.

I like that explanation.
My mother lets my grandma walk all over her. The way she lets my grandma treat her is embarrasing. It is painful to be in the same room as them. I agree she just doesnt want to deal with it, but what a waste of life! Life is so short, it just makes me so mad that she cannot stand up to her.

Grandma is always nice to me though, go figure.

[tinybutterfly]

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is a terrific book. It's Christian based, so if you are not a Christian just wanted to make sure you were aware of where it is coming from. Even if you are not a Christian, there is a lot of good info and advice in it.

It is good that you are stepping back from your grandma to protect yourself and your little ones.

Your mother, having been raised by your grandma, may not know how to disentangle herself, especially if your mom is the oldest daughter...

This kind of treatment would have been her "normal" growing up.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by tinybutterfly

It is good that you are stepping back from your grandma to protect yourself and your little ones.

Your mother, having been raised by your grandma, may not know how to disentangle herself, especially if your mom is the oldest daughter...

This kind of treatment would have been her "normal" growing up.

Well my mom is her only daughter, I'm her only granddaughter. My mom did remove herself for a long time due to g-ma living across state, but when my g-pa died g-ma couldn't really do anything, she doesn't drive, is a compulsive hoarder and also animal collector, of course she really is the one who is severely mentally ill. When I was a 10 year old I realized how screwy her brain was, her dog bit me in the face for no reason and she blamed me for it. Her current dog isn't allowed near my children due to her severe disregard for their safety, the dog is a mess due to her mixed messages to it. She just sucks the life out of everyone and everything I am just really over her bad behavior, but my mom makes it out like she is just a lonely old lady, which I'm sure in many ways she is, due to the fact that none of her family other than my mom wants to even see her. Plus my mom feels bad, on multiple levels due to my g-ma being so manipulative, and unfortunately my mom sometimes has that same air as my grandma, but for having such a dysfunctional upbringing, my mom has done pretty well with me.

I just am wanting to protect my children from her harshness and calling them retarded when in fact my 3.5 year old is incredibly precocious and my son is a beautiful baby, neither have anything wrong with them. My grandmother searches for anything to find fault to make herself feel better and I can't stand that. She has told me to my face that I could look so much better if I did x, y, z.... of buys me clothes that are HUGE, obviously insinuating that I'm HUGE in her eyes(I'm totally average, I'm a size 12). It's just so irritating and hurtful, just because she's my grandma doesn't mean I should have to see her and be bullied by her.

Like I said I'm over it, I just don't think my mom will be understanding at all, and maybe that's more of the problem. I really don't know how to communicate to her about how hurtful it is to hear negative things about everyone, especially my beautiful kids.

[tinybutterfly]

Do you think your mom would be willing to come alone to your house to visit, so you can still see her? Would she be willing to NOT talk about your grandma while she is there visiting you, so you don't get dragged into any drama?

You sound so frustrated and I don't blame you at all. Spending time with someone so negative can be draining.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by tinybutterfly

Do you think your mom would be willing to come alone to your house to visit, so you can still see her? Would she be willing to NOT talk about your grandma while she is there visiting you, so you don't get dragged into any drama?

You sound so frustrated and I don't blame you at all. Spending time with someone so negative can be draining.

She does come visit, but she has to lie. If g-ma knows where she's going mom has to take her or deal with gma telling anyone she knows how awful we all are to her. WE all get blamed for her negative energy, it really has nothing to do with us, she's jealous of anyone doing anything without her. We used to go visit her sister who never had children(old school dr's gave her a hysterectomy when she was like 20 due to female problems, who knows what was wrong) so anyway she doted on my mom and us when we'd visit and gma would always get all huffy about it. She just hates if anyone has any fun without her, but there isn't any amount of fun with her around. She says things that are so insulting to people, she's just so awful.

The problem is ANY holiday, she always has to be included. Or she throws a hissy fit, which for me I could care less about. She's the type of person who thinks that buying people stuff should count more than love, I honestly hate getting anything from her, she makes it like you owe her something in return, it's never really a gift. I just feel in a hard place due to the fact my mom can't understand, she says she does, but her voice tells a different story. I am frustrated, with both of them.

[tinybutterfly]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

She does come visit, but she has to lie. If g-ma knows where she's going mom has to take her or deal with gma telling anyone she knows how awful we all are to her. WE all get blamed for her negative energy, it really has nothing to do with us, she's jealous of anyone doing anything without her. We used to go visit her sister who never had children(old school dr's gave her a hysterectomy when she was like 20 due to female problems, who knows what was wrong) so anyway she doted on my mom and us when we'd visit and gma would always get all huffy about it. She just hates if anyone has any fun without her, but there isn't any amount of fun with her around. She says things that are so insulting to people, she's just so awful.

The problem is ANY holiday, she always has to be included. Or she throws a hissy fit, which for me I could care less about. She's the type of person who thinks that buying people stuff should count more than love, I honestly hate getting anything from her, she makes it like you owe her something in return, it's never really a gift. I just feel in a hard place due to the fact my mom can't understand, she says she does, but her voice tells a different story. I am frustrated, with both of them.

Is your mom a reader? Would she read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? Would she read the Boundaries' book?

It sounds like YOU are fine setting boundaries with your grandma, but your mom doesn't even realize how badly SHE needs to set boundaries with your grandma...and your mom's lack of boundaries with her mother is messing with you and your family.

I am very private, but I will say my mom can be difficult to deal with. I have learned to set boundaries, my little family comes first. It can be done.

But your mom sounds like she doesn't realize yet that she CAN set boundaries with your grandma.

You sound so frustrated.

[*bejeweled*]

You are making the right decision---putting your sweet babies first.