how to deal with "advice"

[verycozy]

Just wondering if anybody here has dealt with this...

Well meaning crunchy mamas of non-multiples are always asking me why I don't wear both babies at once or tandem nurse (or even tandem nurse while wearing both babies...sheesh). I have many reasons why neither of those things work for me at this point (which all the mamas on this board can understand) but I'm tired of explaining myself. It's like I'm being asked to verify my crunchy credentials...

I've heard of MoMs getting "helpful" suggestions from more mainstream parents ("wouldn't it be easier to give those babies a bottle?" "what those babies need is a schedule" etc) but not from the crunchier mamas.

Anyway, I feel judged I feel like the subtext is "If *I* had twins, I'd do things the right way."

Right now I'm responding with "It's not really as easy as you think to tandem babywear/nurse" but that sounds kind of snide.

Thoughts? Commiseration?

[Tigerchild]

I would be honest.

"I know you're trying to help, and I'm a little disappointed that double slinging is painful/doesn't work for me and that simultaneous tandem nursing isn't my bag. I'm doing the best I can. When you offer me advice on multiples that I haven't asked for, I feel judged and it's upsetting because I feel like you're imagining you could do it better. Really, I'd just like to hang out with you and have fun with you, I'm not looking for advice and it just makes me stressed out when people offer it when I'm not asking."

Will it offend the people who really are AP snobs? Yeah, it will. But it'll be a good wake up call to the others hopefully.

FWIW, the most judgemental and aggressive "advice" I've ever received to my face was from AP/crunchy mothers of non-multiples. Not because they were horrible people or anything, but they were just blind to everything but their own experience and they'd surrounded themselves with folks who could do the same. I found it hard to judge them myself, since when I had my singleton perfect APed baby, it would have been easy for me to jump in with platitudes and well meaning but totally oblivious and insensitve advice.

So really, I advise kind but blunt honesty.

[MamaChicken]

Unless they are close friends, I would probably use the same answer that is prompted for the mainstream advice - "This is what works for us" and then change the subject.

If they are close friends, just tell them how you feel. I talk about it pretty freely with my friends - what I feel guilt about (not baby-wearing, supplementing with formula, using cribs). I tried all those things (and many more) and I am doing what works for us -hat is healthies for babies and keeping me functional and sane. They should be okay with the honesty.

[Intertwined]

Yes, I had one friend in particular who did this to me. I even felt judged by her about the (home, vaginal footling breech Baby A) birth I had because SHE had an unassisted birth of a footling breech singleton just a month after my twins were born. My birth was very very NOT unassisted. However, I felt then and still feel now that everything that happened at my birth was both appropriate and welcome. Perhaps that "subtext" you're talking about is all in my head but I did often feel that she just didn't "get" why much of my crunchier parenting went out the window with twins. No, I didn't want to wear two 12 pound babies all day while I chased my toddlers. I wore them when I needed to wear them but otherwise they went in the baby swings/bouncers or on the floor for some tummy time. They never ended up with flat heads like many multiples so I must not have been doing TOO badly, kwim? But yes, I get it. I felt that judgement. I mostly ignored it because, well, if you haven't had twins then you don't get it. And if you haven't had twins with a 17 month, 3, 4.5, and 6 year old then you REALLY don't get what my life was like.

[honeygirl]

i always say what joanna advised above: "this is what works for us." i have found that it stops the conversation politely and without contention (i initially tried to defend my decisions to the "advice"-givers, but i found i just got more upset and anxious if i did so; i wasn't changing anybody's mind, and it just seemed to incite more of the condescending advice i was trying to combat).

i'm sorry you're feeling judged--it's a terrible feeling.

[RadTwins]

I'm expecting my first (and second) in July, so I'm sure I have all this to look forward to. It seems that until you actually have to deal with twins, you can't understand why certain things don't work. Lots of my crunchier dreams have already gone out the window (especially the labor and delivery), not that I'm all that crunchy, by many standards.

I do plan on using using a sling, but I think for the most part they'll take turns. I've seen that you can wear two, but in the twin books I've read, it didn't seem to work all that well for most moms. I think I'll feel like a pack mule, wearing two around, and though I really am going to try for tandem nursing (just bought the EZ-2-Nurse Twins pillow last week), I'm afraid of feeling like a cow while doing so. I've read that it's just too overwhelming for some moms.

I like the advice, "This is what works for us." Then just smile and change the subject. You could also act as though you're about to hand them over along with two slings. "You know I haven't quite mastered that yet. Why don't you try it for the afternoon. Maybe you can give me some tips on what works. Meanwhile I'll be out shopping for a few hours. Bye."

[MamaChicken]

Originally Posted by RadTwins

You could also act as though you're about to hand them over along with two slings. "You know I haven't quite mastered that yet. Why don't you try it for the afternoon. Maybe you can give me some tips on what works. Meanwhile I'll be out shopping for a few hours. Bye."

Oh man, you definately have to do this. And then report back to us so we can all laugh at the look of panic on her face!

[Intertwined]

That's AWESOMENESS!

[nd_deadhead]

Hugs, Karen! It's hard enough being a MoM, without getting guilt thrown in on top of it.

You might be able to deflect some people by saying "I'll have to give that a try." Or even "I tried that, and it didn't work for me, but I can try again." You're agreeing with them, which usually stops the conversation.

I tandem nursed, but it was easy for me because I have teeny tiny breasts (I grew into an A-cup while nursing). Watching a large-breasted friend nurse her newborn made me realize how lucky I am! There's no way she could have tandem nursed - she didn't have enough hands or enough lap.

I don't think your response (about it being harder than one might think) is snide; I think it's honest.

Until those people have walked a mile in your slippers (because some days you never get as far as shoes, right?) they can keep their opinions to themselves! I wish I could make that happen for you.