Advice for a CC foster mom and AA daughter???

[Alvenchrst]

Hubby and I are in process to foster to adopt. We are CC with 3 CC boys. We're really enjoying learning in our classes about trans-racial adoption but I just want more input. I feel naive, I want to learn and grow. What specific advice would you have for raising an African American child? I know that skin care and well done hair are super important as is contact with their culture.

With the risk of sounding ignorant, I will say it anyway with hopes of more perspective. Though I've never heard anyone talk about it, I get the feeling that it is "easier" for CC parent's to raise international adopted Asian children as if they were white, or in my cross cultural class from college they would say, "with a low level of acculturation." Not that all do this, I personally know people who do both. Just a general observation. Honestly part of it seems that Asian IA children are more accepted by the CC community as "normal" than AA or Ethiopian children are. Sadly that is the feeling I get, thoughts??? With African American adopties, acculturation seems more critical. Any one else have any thoughts or observations on this topic?

I have heard it said, not in person, but multiple times on the internet, that Caucasian parents are not the best choice to raise African American children. Yet there is a huge need. What are you thoughts on this?

Last question. Hubby and I are intensely interested in ministering to and aiding third world countries. My husband is in Haiti right now and we are strongly considering moving to the Dominican Republic or Haiti someday. Of course adoption and providing a stable home would be the first priority. How would this impact our ability to be a good match for an African American adopted child? A strength, weakness, both? The Haitians are such a generous and grateful people and I think the reaction our trans-racial family would get would be very positive thing in their culture, but it's not something commonly done so it's hard to know what kind of reaction we would receive.

Okay, I've said enough, educate me! Point me where to go next to learn, you are a wise bunch of ladies.

[marsupial-mom]

I'm white, FS is black. If I had it to do over again I don't think I would accept an AA placement.

Theoretically it's fine. But in reality, our culture is far far too racist for people to accept you and your child.

You're right that there's a huge need. You will be encouraged/pressured by CWs to accept AA placements.

If you do it, be prepared to be constantly judged by everyone. They all think that they have a right to comment.

[Polliwog]

I'm part of a transracial adoptive parents group and have several friends who've adopted transracially or transculturally. I don't know anyone who has regretted it. There are times that haven't been easy but they wouldn't change the fact that they've become transracial families. In fact, I know a few who are planning to do it again. We do live in an area with several major universities. My son's school is VERY diverse.

This quote really bothers me:

I get the feeling that it is "easier" for CC parent's to raise international adopted Asian children as if they were white

Can you explain that? I get the idea of acculturation but don't see how pretending that children are something that they aren't is beneficial.

[krisnic]

I would never raise a child who wasn't white as "white". That causes so much harm for the child. Even in my white family we recognize our backgrounds - polish, german, french, etc. I can't imagine ignoring my child's culture because it was easier for me.

[Alvenchrst]

Thanks for the comments so far, would LOVE to hear some more!

I'm not sure how to further explain my observations on how some of my Caucasian acquaintances are raising their Asian born children, simply put that there is little acculturation, and this seems more socially acceptable then it does for Caucasians raising African American children. Does that make sense? Sorting out issues of race and adoption can be really difficult, I'm trying to explain and discuss with the most sensitivity possible. Has anyone else observed this or is it just me??

[Polliwog]

What I'm asking is what things do you see done with/to the black children that you don't see with the Asian children? My soon-to-be adopted daughter is half-Latina. We have many Latino friends (who were friends prior to my ever meeting my duaghter,) go to cultural events, we will be learning Spanish as a family, etc. The same types of things that my friends who've adopted black, Native American, and Asian children. I don't see anyone trying to be color blind with the children they have taken into their homes.

Help me see what you see as trying to raise the children as if they're white.

[Alvenchrst]

What I'm seeing is the opposite of what you're seeing, basically, a lack there of. Just wanted to know if others were having similar experiences.

[Alvenchrst]

Polliwog maybe the differences we're seeing are because you are part of a trans-racial adoption group, a group of people who specifically seek cultural awareness and sensitivity. And I'm guessing you've had more opportunities to form connections like that since you are so much further along in the process than we are. The people I'm referring to are sort of more "naturally occurring" in my environment (not that you don't have those people as well, it's just that's all I have to see.)

It does give me hope that your experience has been different, hope that as we progress further into this processes and find more avenues for support we will see more healthy examples raising trans racial children.

I still feel like though, at least in my community (I live in Sacramento which is very mixed), there are more obstacles to Caucasians specifically in raising African American children verse those raising Asian or Hispanic children. I'm not even sure I can articulate what I think those obstacles are, other than to say that I have heard it said bluntly SEVERAL times that some believe Caucasian Americans are not the best choice for raising African Americans, yet I have never heard this said about other children of color.

Does this attitude stem from white racism? Or is it that the culture adoptive parents are trying to connect their children with is different? Meaning connection with Asian culture can be more geographically related, more rooted in customs of birth countries, while for African Americans it is relating to a particular part of American culture, and that may be more difficult. More of a gray area in how one connects. One surface example, many children of color have certain types of food their birth cultures eat, but for African Americans their birth culture eats essentially the same way mine does, making cultural connection so much more of a gray area for me.


As any of this making any sense to anyone?? LOL

I would really love to hear any input from parent's who have raised specifically African American children and the challenges and joys you have faced in connecting with birth culture. Specifically the most helpful things you've done to connect. Or perhaps someone can point me else where, maybe there is another place I should be asking these questions.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts!

[queenjane]

I havent read all the replies yet.

I *totally* totally get what you are saying with regard to adopted Asian children vs AA children. Its like that where i live. An Asian or Hispanic person is seen as "basically white" whereas an AA child is definitely NOT. Not saying its a good thing, but its out there.

I have an AA adopted son who has more "biracial" features and an AA foster son who has very dark skin...we havent run into any racism or difficulties yet, but they are only two years old. I am in the process of adopting my foster son's 8 yr old AA sister as well, but she hasnt moved in yet. The only thing i noticed was when it was just my adopted son and me, i never really got any questions about adoption and people seemed to assume he was my birth child (i guess?)...as soon as i had both of them people would ask questions (and sometimes it would be polite beating around the bush, i would have just preferred outright asking if they are adopted)...i dont mind being such an obvious family, but maybe my kids will get sick of it, i dont know.

Hair issues are bigger than i thought. I joined one yahoo list(white parents with AA kids), and found it to be extremely judgemental so i dont post there anymore. but i have found most AA people i've met in person to be VERY nice and welcoming and never heard a negative thing. Its possible someone is thinking something negative when they see us, or talking behind my back but i've got NOTHING but positive feedback from people i've met, most esp AA people. White people seem a little more uncomfortable, maybe they think they will offend me by asking questions.

I didnt realize how many AA people actually live around here until i started really noticing...i think of our little city as very white (and it is) but all i have to do is go a few miles down to the grocery store or the mall and my sons can see lots of people who look like them. As far as close personal relationships, hopefully that will come in time. Its not that "all our friends are white" but that i dont really have alot of friends here period, i mostly hang out with my family (which is big)...i'm lucky in that my closest friend here is adopting three AA kids and we are thinking of starting a transracial adoption playgroup.

I certainly dont regret adopting kids who are AA...though after doing so i TOTALLY respect and understand why someone would NOT. I'm alot less judgemental about that now. I assume all of my future kids will be AA, as most of the kids in care around here are AA.

[krisnic]

I definitely see it happening as well and I think it's a huge problem. I talk to people about it all the time, but a lot of people have the mind set that "they are in America now and need to learn how to be American." It's disgusting to me. It happens with domestic adoptions as well, I just feel that all culture needs to be embraced, regardless of whether you were born in America or not.

[marsupial-mom]

Alvenchrst
you're not alone in noticing this. There's a whole sordid history about interacial adoptions. It's literally modern-day integration. And plenty of people still think separatism Or segregation is better.

Part of the reason it's more an issue of black and white and less and issue with other races/ethnicities/nationalities is the history of fostercare in the US and the fact that black children are far far over-represented in fostercare, which is a result of our country's racist past.
roughly 40% of kids in fostercare are black, another 40% are white and 20% are Latino, Asian, mixed...

Plenty of papers and books discuss it, the most popular probably being Losing Isaiah.

[Alvenchrst]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses, huge help!

I found this blog and a lot of wisdom on issues of race and adoption. If you haven't looked at it yet you should!
http://loveisntenough.com/

[tiffani]

I understand and respect the historical problems associated with CC people adopting AA kids, but quite frankly, I would just respectfully agree to disagree with anyone who told me I shouldn't be parenting my kid, no matter what color they are.

I think the first question I would ask an AA person who was critical of our family (if we had an AA child in our otherwise CC mix) is if they themselves had fostered or adopted. I would bet a million dollars that they hadn't, because anyone involved in the foster/adoption system knows that the kids need families, first and foremost. Families who are respectful and celebratory about their child's heritage, yes, but families, period. I agree that kids should be adopted into their own culture as a first choice, but that's just not always possible, therefore, transracial adoption is wonderful, in my humble opinion.

I also have the probably unpopular opinion that there is no such thing as "white culture" or "black culture" in the US. so. much. variation there, and I feel like we need to recognize that there is no possible way to raise a child according to "black culture." At the same time, it's important to not just ignore the differences between different groups in different regions, and to be respectful and to seek out friends, mentors, etc, so your child isn't surrounded by people who make them feel "different" all the time.

I guess I'm saying that our plan is to just be our family -- that has always included seeking out information about the world and different groups of people, and once we have our kids home it will include making sure we live in an area with a high enough AA/African diaspora population that our kids will have a lot of people in their lives who look like them, who they feel close to, and can have a close relationship with, hopefully. I feel like that is more important than having artifacts, food, music, etc, from their culture of heritage, though those are important too.

[tiffani]

I also wanted to mention that a lot of kids who were adopted transracially during the "colorblind" era have suffered tremendously, leading a lot of people to believe that transracial adoption itself is to blame. I think it has been society's ideas about race -- many well-meaning white parents who adopted transracially over the last several decades felt it was problematic to address race at all, and that it should be ignored entirely. obviously this wasn't the best approach, and many adoptees from that era are hurting, and my heart goes out to them.

funnily enough, I'm listening to Michael Franti right now, a transracial adoptee himself.

[ladyofmoonlight]

I used to be worried about adopting an AA or African child. When we started our adoption journey we felt that if we adopted outside of our race it should be an Asian or Hispanic child. It just seemed "more acceptable."

And then next thing I know I was reading about Ethiopian adoptions and it was like a siren was going off in my head, telling me our child was there.

I spent a lot of time soul searching, trying to figure out why I'd originally felt that our families would be more accepting of a Hispanic or Asian child and I think it just came down to what I saw in the media: A big deal being made out of white people adopting black kids, yet no notice at all given to white people adopting children of different races.

In all honesty, I think this does a huge disservice to all involved: it does not push those adopting Asian or Hispanic children to learn their children's culture, it pushes caucasian families away from AA children because of the pressure, and it make AA kids seem nearly impossible to raise if you aren't AA yourself, which is foolish. A CC woman could raise her biracial children as a single mom, an AA mom can adopt CC children (and other races) and raise them well, and yeah, CC families can do a great job raising AA children. We just need to be mindful and prepared for the road ahead.

As for our own family, my husband and I (we're both CC) are the proud parents to an Ethiopian 4 year old and an AA 6 month old. We have only received one bad comment ever and it was from a family member from the north who had an issue with us adopting and not having "our own." We haven't heard a thing about race so far. We live in a big, diverse city and people don't even bat an eye at our family. Yeah we get a lot of questions, but we're very open about everything, and people are always very kind and respectful.

[christophersmom]

Originally Posted by Alvenchrst

I still feel like though, at least in my community (I live in Sacramento which is very mixed), there are more obstacles to Caucasians specifically in raising African American children verse those raising Asian or Hispanic children. I'm not even sure I can articulate what I think those obstacles are, other than to say that I have heard it said bluntly SEVERAL times that some believe Caucasian Americans are not the best choice for raising African Americans, yet I have never heard this said about other children of color.

I can't imagine that in Sacramento where there is so much diversity you would encounter much resistance. Even some churches are intregrated (which I don't see much of in the South). My DS is bi-racial and DFD is black. I haven't yet taken DFD there but with DS I never get any looks or comments. I go to Sacramento (am from near there) at least yearly if not more. I love seeing so much diversity.

If you are prepared and accepting, do it. I wouldn't change it, I love DFD so much and it doesn't matter she is black. But, our family is already multi-racial so it didn't matter to us at all the race. For us, there won't be any difference in how we raise her than DS because she is black vs. him being bi-racial. Our families really aren't that different (my white vs. Dh's black).