Family... Long

[Mirrormonkey]

So my mom and sister came to visit after ds2 was born and it ended horribly.

My mom and DH do not get on well so I am super sensitive to any interaction that they have. Most of their interactions involve some sort of power struggle over who is right. Anyway the entire trip was filled with 'comments' and hurtful jokes. One day dh, my sister and ds1 went out for a bit leaving me with my mom and ds1 who was a week old. As soon as they left mom started on her, I know he makes you happy and is a good father but... They had just argued about taking ds1 to the groc store after he had been sick the night before it ended in dh saying he is my son and I will do what I want with him. So she starts weeping and saying he is so mean and she can never say anything without him arguing with her etc. She refused to talk to dh about it because she doesn't want to. And yes dh is hard headed but mom is very opinionated and always needs to have the last word. Anyway all I could think was 'really? I have to deal with this now?' So I left for walk. I ran into dh and co on my walk and my sister came for a walk with me and I told her everything I was feeling about all the hurtful comments from our mom (my house looks like a bomb went off, she vacuumed and went on and on about how disgusting it was etc) and I thought she understood where I was coming from.

The next day mom and I had a huge blow out over a game dh had given mom, she came home and announced that she bought her own copy of the game so I could have the other copy. I was so upset, she had just bought us an incredibly expensive stroller for ds2 and all I could think was, you won't take a $20 game from dh but we are supposed to accept this super pricey gift? So we argued and she admitted that yes she got a copy of the game because of the hurtful way the other copy was given to her, so I said fine I cant take the stroller. I started my yelling and crying all at once and she ended up walking out and staying in a hotel for the rest of the trip and we did not see them again.

Mom and I have come to a we will get along for the sake of the kids agreement. My sister is still almost two months later refusing to talk to me because she is so disgusted with how I yelled at mom and I have to wait until she is ready to talk... She is also very passive aggressive. Anyway at this point I am so flipping mad at her I am not sure I can ever be able to reconcile our relationship. She is much younger than I am, still living at home, not much life experience and she and mom have this weird co-dependent relationship that I just don't understand.

This is consuming me. My anger is coming out with my kids and dh, I think about it all the time. I have tried for weeks to get her to talk to me and she refuses. I want to kick something! Once she finally decides to talk to me again, how am I supposed to handle it without bending over and taking it as I will be expected to do and as I basically did with my mom. There are so many other details but I don't want a novel length post.

I am not perfect, I admit that fully, but I have been labeled a B and was told I can't use having a baby as an excuse for being hormonal.

[Carhootel]

No offense but why bother having a 'get along for the sake of the kids' agreement? why have someone so manipulative and hurtful in your life or your kids life? It seems like you'd be better off without them. If I were you I would be stupid and cheerful when you talk to them next, if you do. And since this sounds like a pattern that you all know well, just break it off, don't have them visit, just be nice, civil, don't get into the stuff that brings on the power struggling fights. With 2 lo's it just isn't worth your energy IMO. Your thoughts and energy are much better directed towards your DH and your DS's and that's where it should be.

[RiverSky]

Wow, it sounds to me as if you all acted way out of line and could probably use some counseling or therapy or something in order to help you interact and communicate better with each other.

Originally Posted by Mirrormonkey

So my mom and sister came to visit after ds2 was born and it ended horribly.

How far away do they live? If you knew that your mom and DH don't get along well, why didn't you suggest that they stay in a hotel?

As soon as they left mom started on her, I know he makes you happy and is a good father but...

Absolutely none of her business and completely wrong for her to say. The fact that she brought up such a yucky issue RIGHT after you had a baby is UNFORGIVABLE. There is something wrong with your mom.

They had just argued about taking ds1 to the groc store after he had been sick the night before it ended in dh saying he is my son and I will do what I want with him. So she starts weeping and saying he is so mean and she can never say anything without him arguing with her etc. She refused to talk to dh about it because she doesn't want to.

It's her problem, not his. He is the father and she has NO SAY whatsoever in how you and your husband raise your child. She already had her chance with her children and that is that. Honestly, I have no idea why she would have had to talk to your DH about it afterward. What he said was the law, and he should not have had to discuss it further with her at all. Who cares what she thinks?

And yes dh is hard headed but mom is very opinionated and always needs to have the last word.

Then she can do that in her own house or her own hotel suite, but never at your home.

Anyway all I could think was 'really? I have to deal with this now?'

I think your mother should be ashamed of herself for adding this stress and negativity to your life after such a joyous occasion. I wish you had kicked her out at or before this point.

The next day mom and I had a huge blow out over a game dh had given mom, she came home and announced that she bought her own copy of the game so I could have the other copy.

Beyond the fact that your mother still plays video games (??), how childish. Who cares about a stupid video game after her grandchild has been born and she is visiting to see and bond with that child? Was she seriously playing video games the entire week? I don't get it....

I was so upset, she had just bought us an incredibly expensive stroller for ds2 and all I could think was, you won't take a $20 game from dh but we are supposed to accept this super pricey gift? So we argued and she admitted that yes she got a copy of the game because of the hurtful way the other copy was given to her, so I said fine I cant take the stroller.

I think you handled this very poorly. Your mother was acting very immaturely, and honestly, I wonder what sort of personality disorder she might have and why you let her spend so much time with you, seeing as she is obviously very toxic. You should never have refused her gift, because well, many reasons. (1) that is lowering yourself to her level (2) the gift was more for your baby than for you (3) I don't see how the expense of a gift makes one gift more important than another and don't think you should have been thinking about that at all. (4) If your mother wanted to act so ridiculously and go buy her own game, you and your DH should have just shrugged and ignored her. It would have defused the situation, taken away the power she was trying to exact (instead you gave her power) and who knows, maybe she would have learned a lesson.

I started my yelling and crying all at once and she ended up walking out and staying in a hotel for the rest of the trip and we did not see them again.

Oh yay! Finally! A happy ending! I'm sorry that you had to endure such crap during what should have been your blissful babymoon.

Mom and I have come to a we will get along for the sake of the kids agreement.

Why? Have you read "Toxic Parents" and "Boundaries"? Perhaps they would help you.

My sister is still almost two months later refusing to talk to me because she is so disgusted with how I yelled at mom and I have to wait until she is ready to talk... She is also very passive aggressive. Anyway at this point I am so flipping mad at her I am not sure I can ever be able to reconcile our relationship. She is much younger than I am, still living at home, not much life experience and she and mom have this weird co-dependent relationship that I just don't understand.

Just let it go. One day, your sister will grow up, at least a bit. At that point, with some time and distance, perhaps she will make a move to get back together with you. Also, in time, she will start to take the effects of your mother's issues more personally and will hopefully be able to understand your point of view more. Just leave her be and wait until she comes back.

This is consuming me. My anger is coming out with my kids and dh, I think about it all the time. I have tried for weeks to get her to talk to me and she refuses. I want to kick something! Once she finally decides to talk to me again, how am I supposed to handle it without bending over and taking it as I will be expected to do and as I basically did with my mom. There are so many other details but I don't want a novel length post.

This is the problem, that you are letting it consume you. Your sister is very immature and seriously, you have bigger fish to fry and actual, real issues to worry about. You need to take care of your children and your sister is still a child, and she is not your responsibility. I truly think you need some counseling or therapy. Perhaps you have some PPD or something, and this is exacerbating the situation. I think a counselor can help you find your strength and give you methods to cope with your upset over the situation, so you can learn to let it go.

I am not perfect, I admit that fully, but I have been labeled a B and was told I can't use having a baby as an excuse for being hormonal.

Honestly, who cares if they think you are a B. Your mother is well, has major issues and surely no one listens to her opinion with even so much as a grain of salt. Your sister is just a kid, give her a break, forgive her, forget her for a bit and see what happens in 6 months, or maybe a year. Was it your sister who mentioned the hormonal thing? If so, how would she even know? Who cares what she says?


Sorry, I'm in a cranky mood and this post really pissed me off. Please don't let your annoying family bother you so much. Be mad at them! Get yourself some help, perhaps take some yoga classes, try to put them out of your mind for a few months and focus on positive, beautiful things.

[tanyam926]

First of all, having a baby is the perfect excuse for being hormonal and it is perfectly natural and understandable that you would feel even more over the top angry, hurt, and sensitive about this ongoing issue in your family when you have just given birth.

Second of all, I am sooooo sorry you are having to deal w/this right now, especially during the time you need support and love around you most of all. Family can really suck sometimes bc when you love people so much you are much more likely to be hurt when they are being unkind and selfish.

I don't really have any advice for you, I wish I did. My dh and my parents get along wonderfully but my dh and my sis kind of butt heads a little (I have noticed this, they don't argue though). My dh finds my sis annoying and when they are together it's like a pissing contest sometimes (although a very polite one thankfully). My sis has never said anything to me about dh but I am sure she a tleast finds him kind of annoying sometimes. So I can understand where you are coming from, even if it's to a much lesser extent.

Maybe you could have a talk w/ each person seperately and tell them that you need them all to be loving to each other. That doesn't mean they have to be BFFs but that in order to be a good and loving example to the children, that they need to make an effort to be kind and understanding to everyone in the family. Tell your mom to let things go bc your dh is the dad and dads do things differently, which is good. Tell your dh that your mom is trying to be helpful and that he can listen to her advice and then do his own thing. It has to come down to having a basic respect and love for each other.

Hopefully that will lessen the tension, you shouldn't have to play peacekeeper and it's unfair (as well as useless) for you to be put in the middle.

It doesn't sound like there is any underlying hatefullness going on, just miscommunications and personalities that don't mesh. You can't control that, so try not to feel that you are responsible for fixing everything.

Hang in there mama!

[Mirrormonkey]

RiverSky, I appreciate your response! I did behave poorly and have admitted that, what peeves me is they refuse to shoulder any of what happened themselves.

I would have preferred they stay in a hotel but they can barely afford the flights here so that is never an option. We live about 3000 miles apart. My father and gf are coming and will stay in a hotel thankfully.

And yup mom basically held ds2 on the nursing pillow and played on her iphone or DS (gameboy).

As soon as they arrived they took over, my sister dominated the computer and the tv morning till night. My sis is in her 20's but not, kwim? So it was olympics 24/7, ds1 was stressed because we let him watch pbs in the morn for a bit and she would just put a video on the laptop for him so she could still watch the olympics. I tried to ignore it and just keep the peace, really the game was a catalyst and not the main issue.

As for a relationship for the kids, I am questioning that myself now. And yes my sister claimed I use hormones as an excuse for everything, I also had a brutal pregnancy this time and was told to suck it up. Just reading what I am writing makes me wonder why I am trying so hard to solve everything...

tanyam926: I have been hitting the gym regularly! I like to run my frustrations out, sadly my body is not ready for too intense a run. Yoga does not calm my mind very well, I just get frustrated with all the calm... Though I like how I feel afterwards, all loose and supple.