How to discipline a 9 mo and toy suggestions

[ctrygirlatheart]

My 9 mo is umm... into everything that she shouldn't be and enjoys hitting, bitting people and stealing toys from other babies. (That aside she is happy, smart and super sensitive) Any ideas on how to get the message across that she can't do these things other than saying no a billion times a day? It a) doesn't seem to be effective , b) seems to put a negative spin on my day because I say it so much and c) I worry about that many no's some how effecting my sensitive little girl's developing personality. Any other ideas or book suggestions?

I am also looking for some toy suggestions for her as well. She is crawling, darn close to walking and gets bored with her toys faster than I can afford to buy them.

And if my SIL is reading this, yes this is Madilyn, sorry she kept stealing Hannah's toys!

[lolar2]

Well, you can-- and should-- say "gentle touches, hitting hurts" (while demonstrating) or "don't play with the other baby's toys, here is one of your toys." However, she will not completely understand what you are saying until she is maybe 18 months, and she will probably not be able to control her impulses consistently until she is about 3 (and even then she will probably act up when she's tired or overexcited, for a few years).

As far as toy suggestions-- whatever other kids' toys she was taking, it might be a good bet that she'd like a version of them for herself! Sometimes I used to take DS into a toy store or book store and buy one or two things he reached for-- figured that way he was picking them out himself.

[NEastMomma]

Hi,
My DS is 7mos, so I have limited personal experience, but I recently got my Masters in Education and we learned in my child psychology class children under 2 usually just play side by side, but independantly and have ABSOLUTLEY NO CONCEPT of sharing toys. Do you think this could overflow into the stealing toys thing?

I know I've seen DS with other babies and they snatch toys from him as he does from other babies. I think it is normal and never get upset if another baby steals a toy from DS, but perhaps some more experienced mamas could tell you better.

I suggest distract, distract, distract, if you can. I'm sure you SIL and others understand. No one can get angry with a 9 month old! (I hope)

[ctrygirlatheart]

I thought that the concept of sharing would be difficult for her to grasp but my mother keeps telling me that I need to teach her that, not to hit, and what the word no means but has no ideas for me on how to do that! I am a first time mom and sometimes feel so clueless. I guess I am just worried that I am going to end up with a little monster on my hands if I don't do something now.

[lolar2]

Your mother is wrong. She isn't just making these things up-- back in the old days, "authorities" believed that babies could learn sharing-- but since about the 1950s or so, child development researchers have known that babies can't share properly until they are 2 or 3. That information is still making its way into the general population, though, so it apparently hasn't caught up with your mother yet (and many other people don't know it yet either, so your mother isn't some kind of a lone holdout or anything).

With "gentle touches" though, that can start to show results as early as 15 months. And in any case, if you yourself are gentle about it, IMO it does no harm-- and maybe some good, ultimately-- to say "take turns" and "gentle touches" and all that. If you do that kind of thing, it might well satisfy your mother than you are "making an effort," if you see what I mean. And of course it's proper etiquette from YOUR point of view to distract your baby and give the grabbed toy back to its rightful owner, with an apology.

[FtMPapa]

It's not that she's stealing her cousin's toys, it's that she doesn't really understand that the toy isn't for her. You might be able to teach her that Mama's glasses, for instance, are Mama's, but then again you don't sit in front of her playing with the glasses, you know?

It's common that first time parents don't really understand the development of infants, and it sounds like you're getting some inappropriate advice from your mother. Bottom line - your kid is too young to learn to share.

Hitting and biting and deal-breakers, but as someone pointed out, impulse control isn't really a 9 month old's strong suit.

It's important to have natural consequences. I.e. The kid I used to nanny would sometimes bite his mother when she came to nurse him during the day, when he was around 9 months. The consequence was that if he bit, the breasts were put away, and no more nursing. (It's not like we were starving him, he was mostly eating food by then.)

I think for hitting and biting saying "NO!" in a really mean voice is Ok, probably starting around now. I don't mean scaring the kid half to death, but reserving the "BIG BAD VOICE" and matching facial expression for that. When kids hear "no, no, no" all the time it loses its impact.

At this age, redirection can work well. If your kid is consistently going after your glasses, for example, you find another toy that is just as interesting, but more appropriate, and encourage them to go after that. Or, if the kid is trying to bite people, offer hir a teething ring or something ze can bite.

I don't know what books to suggest, you're not going to find anything on disciplining a nine month old (at least I hope you won't!) because discipline really doesn't start yet. You will find books on disciplining your toddler, but many of those techniques won't be appropriate. Perhaps a book on baby development will give you a better understanding of what is happening inside your baby's head.

Good luck, Mama!

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by FtMPapa

It's not that she's stealing her cousin's toys, it's that she doesn't really understand that the toy isn't for her. You might be able to teach her that Mama's glasses, for instance, are Mama's, but then again you don't sit in front of her playing with the glasses, you know?

It's common that first time parents don't really understand the development of infants, and it sounds like you're getting some inappropriate advice from your mother. Bottom line - your kid is too young to learn to share.

Hitting and biting and deal-breakers, but as someone pointed out, impulse control isn't really a 9 month old's strong suit.

It's important to have natural consequences. I.e. The kid I used to nanny would sometimes bite his mother when she came to nurse him during the day, when he was around 9 months. The consequence was that if he bit, the breasts were put away, and no more nursing. (It's not like we were starving him, he was mostly eating food by then.)

I think for hitting and biting saying "NO!" in a really mean voice is Ok, probably starting around now. I don't mean scaring the kid half to death, but reserving the "BIG BAD VOICE" and matching facial expression for that. When kids hear "no, no, no" all the time it loses its impact.

At this age, redirection can work well. If your kid is consistently going after your glasses, for example, you find another toy that is just as interesting, but more appropriate, and encourage them to go after that. Or, if the kid is trying to bite people, offer hir a teething ring or something ze can bite.

I don't know what books to suggest, you're not going to find anything on disciplining a nine month old (at least I hope you won't!) because discipline really doesn't start yet. You will find books on disciplining your toddler, but many of those techniques won't be appropriate. Perhaps a book on baby development will give you a better understanding of what is happening inside your baby's head.

Good luck, Mama!

yes to all this!

a 9mo baby is........ a baby. not a toddler. they really dont get the entire concept, like your mom wants her to know, until age 5. you dont have a 5yr old ,you have a 9mo old. until she is 18 mo old all you can do is distract and redirect.

[MeepyCat]

When my DS was around this age, I found it very helpful to contain him a bit to keep him out of trouble. So we gated off the kitchen and the stairs, and gave him the run of the living room and dining room, with appropriate toys and board books, and anything he wasn't permitted to touch or play with up high and (if possible) out of sight. It gave us all a break, several times a day, to be able to go there, close the gates, and just hang out. We found the local infant and toddler playgrounds were also very useful in good weather when he started walking. It just really helps to be in an environment now and then where most everything your kid can do is okay.

[TulsiLeaf]

I know it's frustrating trying to keep your lil one from stealing toys and hitting and biting. It's really developmental. She isn't biting because she knows it hurts or wants to be mean. It's that she has these fabulous things in her mouth that are new and wow it makes such a cool feeling when she clamps down on something!.

What worked for me was to not take much notice of it. The more you make a deal of her biting at this age, the more she will do it. The reaction is fun! Look at mummy's face! Look, mummy gets loud! Just calmy remove her from the situation and redirect her somewhere else. She can't really share the toy because she can't communicate that she wants the toy. So if she steals a toy away from another baby, just give the toy back and give her another toy. Or if she starts crying, just remove her for a bit.

Good luck!

[mamadelbosque]

I really recommend baby proofing your house as much as possible so that you don't have as much "stuff" to get into that your dc isn't allowed to get into, if that makes sense? Leave baskets and such with her toys/books/whatever out that she's alloud to dig through and keep "your" stuff up and out of reach. That way you aren't saying 'no!' constantly, and can reserve 'no!' for when she's hitting/biting/etc...

[4evermom]

With other babies, I think you just have to be close so you can intervene when you see a bonk on someone's head brewing. Positive phrasing REALLY helps. If you say "don't hit Janie" your dd first has to think "hit Janie." She can't conceive of not doing something before she thinks of doing it. And that combined with her age appropriate lack of impulse control is just the same as telling her to hit Janie. That's why people advocate telling a child what TO do rather than what NOT to do. This was particularly helpful to me because my ds was such a tease. He liked to do anything he was told not to do. So "don't go in the street" became "Watch for cars!" "Don't run" became "Remember to walk."

My mom always told me that children had to learn how to own something before they could learn to share. At first that sounds silly. Don't all kids come with a perfected desire to possess everything? But if you think about it, if the child doesn't feel ownership of something and decide to share their toy, then it is just giving up things to whoever tells them to. It makes toddlerhood easier on the mothers if the child is compliant but it isn't great in the long run. Some older kids have a problem saying no to their friends. They let their "friends" take their toys home even though they don't want them to have them. We certainly don't want our daughters feeling they have to share when they go on dates!

At 9 months, your dd is just going to go for whatever she finds interesting. I love how exploratory young children are. Having the space prepared for little ones helps. Have things she can't have out of sight (or out of reach so that if she expresses interest, you can supervise and help her explore it safely). Give her reasons and explanations so she knows you aren't just being arbitrary. Even if she doesn't understand everything, it starts a good parent child dynamic.

[LadyCatherine185]

Lots of great advice already here! Positive discipline "gentle touches", etc are great. Distraction, redirection.

I second the babyproofing as well. That will make your life so much easier, and it will allow your baby to explore her world around her.

[Ldavis24]

Ha this sounds just like my DD who will be 10 months very shortly...I have noticed when she gets really upset about something, not crying but just angry and frustrated, usually when I am trying to wrestle her in or out of an outfit she will literally try to pull my hand to her mouth and bite me in her frustration!

I have found though that the less I react to a bite from her the less interest she has in doing it again. She is very mouthy as all LOs are at this age but she RARELY ever bites me nursing and only when she is tired and half awake, i attribute that to the lack of attention I give her biting, or luck, kinda hard to tell kwim? As for the other stuff, I do the gentle touches with the cats and I really don't think she has a clue what I am trying to teach her but I know it will click some time. Like PPs have said, babies just don't get it yet at that age..I know it is frustrating though, she literally yanks everything from the neighbor's baby who is 2 months younger and much less mobile and then she goes for the baby's hair and tries to eat it!

[mckittre]

I think a baby that age can get the word "no", but beyond that, telling them what to do instead of what not to do is helpful. I think they still don't understand a lot of language and "don't hit" is more confusing than "gentle touching", etc... That works well with my 13 month old anyway. "food is for eating" "we touch gently" and that sort of thing. I don't think the sharing toys concept is possible yet though. At least my 13 month old doesn't seem to get it yet either. I just step in and make sure whichever baby was stolen from gets something else to play with.

[curvyred]

This brings back memories! DS was walking full-force at nine months and was into EVERYTHING. DH and I used to sit down several times a week and say, "OK, what are you saying no for this week?" and then come up with a positive phrase to replace the "no." We really tried to save the NO for dangerous/rare things.

We used a lot of "gentle touches," for hitting (mostly the cat.) Everything went in his mouth, so instead of "don't put that in your mouth" we said, "use your hands" and would place the object back into his hands. As he got older it was "trucks go on the floor . . . (ie, not the walls, windows, cat)" etc. I think it helped to have a consistent phrase, but it sometimes took us a few minutes to turn the "don't do that" phrases into something that he could actually DO.

But redirect, redirect, redirect was the only thing that was effective for "discipline" at that age.

[Jayray]

For 10 mo DS, we use "No" in a neutral tone unless it's something that might really hurt him. I've gone through the house and decided what he really shouldn't be touching and use "no" for those (few) things and then basically let him mess with everything else. He usually listens to "no" unless it's something that's really tempting. Then I distract.

He likes to pull hair, and for some reason "no" doesn't work with that. We have been practicing using just "gentle." Sometimes it works, most of the time not.

I'm just trying to be consistent so that "no" doesn't become confusing and/or ignore-able.

But this is my first, so what do I know!!

[Super~Single~Mama]

For biting, the best solution for me has been to put Lincoln down, while saying "that hurts, please bite this instead"

Everything else - BABYPROOF!!!! OMG, babyproofing everything in my house has made my life SO much easier!!

[hakeber]

I don't think a 9 mo is going to play nicely with others...even at 14 mo DS came home from daycare with bites and scratches from his peers because he had been trying to take toys from other kids while they were using it.

She is only wee. Just keep moving her away and redirecting her and EVENTUALY she will get it.

As for the biting and hitting, I react a little sharply about that. Because it really hurt when DS bit/hit me, and I needed to put him down to stop myself from biting or hiting him back. Immature as that may sound, it was an instinct that I needed to protect him from, so I would pick him up and put him in his play pen or crib for a minute until I composed myself, then go back to him and model gentle touches, or offer him a teething ring. It actually didn't take many repeats of this for him to stop biting and striking out (well except when he was angry hitting, we had outbursts of that up until last year and I dealt with that totally differently from the hitting in excitement or to see what would happen) we didn't have another incident of him biting someone else until he was almost 3 yo, and it genuinely was self defense.

Long and the short of it, babies are not very good at sharing. Their whole world is about them. DS never played with other kids until he was 14 months, and even then it was tough. He didn't get GOOD at playing with other kids until about 3 and half and sharing only got easy and fun at about 4 yo.

I think that's pretty typical, too. Especially for an only child.

If you are worried about saying no, too much, make her world full of yes, by reducing the number of things she can get into, and limiting peer socialization to parallel playing and watch her like a HAWK when she is with other kids/people to make sure she doesn't get aggressive, remove her before the incidents, block her path, offer her another toy, instead. There's no need to even say no, at 9 mo. Just pick her up and move her.

[Hannah'sMommy]

SIL here (with a long post)!
That's okay, it was actually kind of funny to watch. The interesting part about Madilyn is the “mine” face she would give when she stole a toy. Versus when Hannah took it, it was just "let me chew on that for a minute." She’ll eventually get it, she’s still young right now.

I agree, babyproof and redirect! We're still working on babyproofing, but I've found that just letting Hannah do her thing around the house makes her happy. She seems to be much more interested in the world around her than in any of the toys I've given her. I'm constantly having to redirect her attention away from something I don't want her doing (climbing on her carseat, chewing on shoes, reaching for dog toys, etc). I should probably move those things out of her way though, my fault… the really dangerous stuff is out of the way though.

I also feel like I'm constantly needing to say "no" as well. So I try to say "no thank you" or “please don’t play with that” and redirect her, or “those are not your toys, play with this instead.” I know she doesn’t really understand what I’m saying, but at least I’m not always saying “no.” I try to save the big "NO" for something she's really doing wrong and try to redirect her attention for the smaller things.

She seems to think it's funny when she gets a big reaction from me, instead of realizing I really don't want her to do something. For example, her loud high pitch screaming: I’ve tried everything, but she just loves the reaction to it so she kept doing it. So, I started not reacting or giving her extra attention when she did it. It seemed to help some. I know it’s really hard, but what if you started not reacting when she bites? Or do what PP did, and put her down in a safe place for a couple of minutes to compose yourself?

Toys: I’m not sure about Madilyn, but like I was saying earlier, Hannah is much more interested in the world around her than any toys I give her (they’ll last maybe 5 minutes or less, I'm not buying anymore for a while). So, we just let her roam all around and play with anything she finds as long as it isn’t dangerous to her. We’ll let her have at it with the DVD boxes. We’re CONSTANTLY putting them back on the shelf, but she just loves pulling them off. She also likes playing with my purse or her diaper bag and pulling things out of there, so I’m going to give her her own bag that she can pull things out of. She also likes opening drawers now, so I’m going to put things in the bottom drawer in the kitchen that I don’t care if she plays with.

Good luck! I’ll try to call tonight

[katmann]

We're working on "gentle touches" with our 14 mo old now, as he loves to hit the cats and pull their fur. At first, I would use my normal voice and say "no pulling," "that hurts Luna (or whichever cat)," or "gentle," but he would keep at it. So, out of frustration, I would raise my voice, thinking that if I said it sharply it would get his attention and he would stop. () But that didn't work.

DH and I just recently figured out that if we keep our voices soft, he responds much more positively. It's almost as if he's more aggressive with the cats just to get a rise out of us. If we're quiet and mellow, he moves on to something else. He still isn't being terribly nice to the cats, but he's leaving them alone.

I'm sure someone on MDC could have told me this if I had asked, but live and learn.