Do you ever shake your head and wonder...

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

...who IS this person?

I don't even recognize my STBX right now. This selfish UAV could not possibly be the man I married and had my babies with. I used to think I was a good judge of character. Not only has my world been shattered, but I am feeling so unsure of myself right now.

Is this normal? I'm so envious of those of you who can work together for the good of your children. I used to think that if we ever came to this point, we could do that. In fact, as we watched friends go through divorce, we would say to once another, "Let's always remember that we loved each other so we treat each other nicely, for our kids." I guess he forgot about that part.

It's so hard.

[singin'intherain]

I don't know if yours will get better, but at least know that things almost always get rough at first. It's no sign of how it's going to be down the road. I was prepared for the worst, but after a nasty few months of constant baiting and retaliation, things settled down. And now, two and a half years later, he's pretty reasonable about most stuff and tries to get along for the kids' sake. Just try to take the high road and don't play along, and he'll probably find his way back to being decent.

[sparklefairy]

For me, it's more "what was I thinking?!?!?!" In retrospect, it was all there all along -- I should not have been surprised at who he turned out to be, because he'd been telling me from the beginning.

I'm sorry it's hard

Originally Posted by FiveLittleMonkeys

...who IS this person?

I don't even recognize my STBX right now. This selfish UAV could not possibly be the man I married and had my babies with. I used to think I was a good judge of character. Not only has my world been shattered, but I am feeling so unsure of myself right now.

Is this normal? I'm so envious of those of you who can work together for the good of your children. I used to think that if we ever came to this point, we could do that. In fact, as we watched friends go through divorce, we would say to once another, "Let's always remember that we loved each other so we treat each other nicely, for our kids." I guess he forgot about that part.

It's so hard.

[organicpapayamama]

all. the. time. I dont even know my stbx anymore. even after 4 months after he left I could hardly recognize him. not only by his actions but by his new way of life, morals and even physically.

he went from being a devoted christian, with a prominent position in the church, with strict morals, living a clean lifestyle, honest hard worker, clean shaven and made sure to always look his best in dress shirts and pants, loving husband who had agreed to start a family.... .and he went to leaving the church, not believing in god, having an affair, telling his pregnant wife to "ef herself", he grew a beard, got tons of tattoos, took up smoking, dressed like a homeless man, lost his job because he was stealing at work, lost his car because he wasnt making payments and took up gambling. not to mention started experimenting with drugs.

I have no idea who this man...or boy is.

[SoulCakes]

Like singin'intherain said, it's hard to know now whether it's going to get better in your case or not. There was a long time after my ex and I split that I thought he had morphed into a permanent ass. But, years later, it's gotten better. A lot better. We have a good relationship again; we can work together now to do the right thing for our daughter, we laugh, we joke.

It took a long time to get to this point, and I wasn't sure it was going to happen... just know that it can happen. In my case, I had to try really hard not to let him get under my skin, and eventually he came around.

I hope something similar happens for you.

[JunipersMom]

Yup - and the really interesting <and disturbing> thing is how repulsed I am by a man I used to think was wonderful. My stomach literally turns and he disgusts me. I have an actual physical reaction when I see him... freaks me out

[Kittymom]

I ask myself this all the time, and it has gotten so much worse since the introduction of his fiancee. At least he used to put our son first, but now he treats me like dirt and does not prioritize our ds at all. I think part of the issue is that he molds himself to be like whomever he is with. That was a very different person with me than with her. Sadly, she is very shallow and nasty, and he is embracing those qualities in himself as well.

Still. It makes me doubt my ability to judge character. A lot.

Anyone else ever feel paranoid that the wrong people might read this?

[Avani]

I just don't even care anymore. It is so beyond the realm of what i can understand that i just decided to let it go and take what i have to deal with from him one day at a time and with as little of a grain of salt as i can. I know forgiveness is key but i am not there. I'm just living my life and doing my best to not let him get to me.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by organicpapayamama

all. the. time. I dont even know my stbx anymore. even after 4 months after he left I could hardly recognize him. not only by his actions but by his new way of life, morals and even physically.

he went from being a devoted christian, with a prominent position in the church, with strict morals, living a clean lifestyle, honest hard worker, clean shaven and made sure to always look his best in dress shirts and pants, loving husband who had agreed to start a family.... .and he went to leaving the church, not believing in god, having an affair, telling his pregnant wife to "ef herself", he grew a beard, got tons of tattoos, took up smoking, dressed like a homeless man, lost his job because he was stealing at work, lost his car because he wasnt making payments and took up gambling. not to mention started experimenting with drugs.

I have no idea who this man...or boy is.

How does this happen?

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

My ex changed similar to organicpapayamama's. My ex I think sustained too many head injuries in martial arts. He was teaching in the church weekly, and cheating on me and giving me tons of verbal abuse. Things were pretty bad for a while, but now two years later, he seems to be more rational and normal. He's engaged and I'm wondering if he finally feels bad for the hell he put me through.

[One_Girl]

I shake my head and wonder why I ever let myself lower my standards and throw away my self respect for five years. I am so happy to have my wonderful little girl, but I wish I could have wised up right after I realized I was pregnant instead of four years later. I question my judgement now and don't get involved in serious relationships because something is obviously off with my judgement.

[NolaRiordan]

Absolutely! That's really a big part of the grief for me. I feel like the person I loved and chose to have children with is dead and has been replaced by this hostile person who lies and puts the kids in the middle. I have decided I can't ask myself "why" and "how" any more. There's no answer and it just drives me crazy.

[attachedmomto3]

i do all the time! but i've realized that who he is now is probally who he really is and he was trying to play the role he thought he should play when he was with me and after so many years he couldn't do it anymore and showed his true colors..so then i think im happy to not have that type of person in my life anymore!

[shishkeberry]

I wonder sometimes, too, and my ex isn't even that bad. Well, at least not to me. He was a very good father while we were together. And then once I kicked him out and he moved in with his new gf (only a month after we split, so I think he was cheating on me) it was like our DS didn't exist to him anymore. Nearly three years later and it's still the same. I finally get child support money, but that's the extent of his involvement. He hasn't seen DS since Jan (Feb? can't quite remember) and hasn't called him in weeks. Of course, according to him, this is all my fault because I moved two hours away and because I get child support he can't afford the gas. Really? Not even once a month? And the fact that I live two hours away made his phone stop working?

I really didn't expect him to be like this after we split up. I really thought he'd make more of an effort. He has a baby DD now and it's been worse since she was born. Not that it's his DD's fault, but sheesh it really hurts me to see my DS ignored. Thank goodness it doesn't seem like DS cares or notices yet. But someday he will.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by sparklefairy

For me, it's more "what was I thinking?!?!?!" In retrospect, it was all there all along -- I should not have been surprised at who he turned out to be, because he'd been telling me from the beginning.

Yeah, for me it's more this way, too.

Although it does make me shake my head with wonder when I realize he hasn't called the kids in more than six months. He lives out of state. He has pretty much reduced himself to a paycheck.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by organicpapayamama

he went from being a devoted christian, with a prominent position in the church, with strict morals, living a clean lifestyle, honest hard worker, clean shaven and made sure to always look his best in dress shirts and pants, loving husband who had agreed to start a family.... .and he went to leaving the church, not believing in god, having an affair, telling his pregnant wife to "ef herself", he grew a beard, got tons of tattoos, took up smoking, dressed like a homeless man, lost his job because he was stealing at work, lost his car because he wasnt making payments and took up gambling. not to mention started experimenting with drugs.

I have no idea who this man...or boy is.

I have a friend whose ex was erratic like this. I think he becomes obsessed with things. When the two of them first split up, it was because he came out of the closet as a gay man. AFAIK, he never had any "real" relationship with another man. He is now married to a woman. But while he and my friend were still married, he would go through "phases" of intense obsessions. First it was jogging. Then he became a vegan. About a year after their divorce, he became born-again. Now he's a non-believer. He goes back and forth with his ideals and just doesn't make any sense.

[PoppyMama]

Yeah...I was going to say it's because that's never who he really was. He was trying on a persona and it didn't work out for him. I think a lot of people are like that.

[StephandOwen]

Over 6 years later I still shake my head and wonder....

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Yeah...I was going to say it's because that's never who he really was. He was trying on a persona and it didn't work out for him. I think a lot of people are like that.

Yup. Same with my ex. He puts on a good show, I'll say that for him. But that's all it is. Surface. Everything he does, that anyone can see, is almost like what he imagines he should do - like if was in a commercial or something (showing happy families, etc). But his mood lasts about as long as commercial. I secretly call them his "Kodak moments". But underneath is something entirely different. The saddest part is that he likes to envision himself as that Kodak moment person and has no real sense of himself; he's just mood-driven and as that I think he has some sort of disorder (he refuses to get diagnosed since his sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder), that is not a good thing.

Good times.