The guy who stalked me has resurfaced

[mamallama]

I was a teenager--14 when it started. He was 16. He was the first guy I seriously dated. When I write that, it sounds crazy. Why is a 14 year old seriously dating anyone? But I did. My parents allowed it. My mom was married at 15 and had me when she was 16. I can see why she wasn't particularly alarmed by our relationship.

He was controlling. He told me who I could be friends with and who I could talk to. I wanted out after a couple of months, but it was so hard to break free. He would show up at my school functions (I did a lot of extra curricular stuff) and insist on talking to me. He waited at my house for me to come home from school. He cried. He threatened my friends to stay out of it. He threatened suicide. My mom was so unhelpful. Her solution was for me to just stay at home. It got to that point. I didn't go to any school functions for two years. I dropped my extra curricular stuff, as well as Friday night football, basketball games, dances, everything. In a small town, that's all there is. I felt like my life was ruined.

He finally graduated and faded away from the high school scene, so my last two years of school I was able to go out a little more.

I graduated, left for college, and never returned.

I had a couple of learning experience type relationships after that, but I came through them just fine.

In therapy I've worked on my issues, particularly my issues related to my mother, and that's gone great. Sometimes it's been painful, but the peace is worth the effort.

I'm 36 now. I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 11. We have a great friendship and a great marriage. I work hard to learn how to parent my kids in a healthy way. I find my work fulfilling. Really, I am doing fantastic in life.

And then this.

Several years ago I decided not to do facebook because of this specific privacy concern. My mom recently went to India and posted all of her travel photos on her facebook account. She said if I wanted to see her pictures I had to sign on. She'd been urging me to sign up for a while. I caved. I felt like the privacy settings were likely enough, and I thought I could play it smart enough to stay anonymous. I didn't even use my real name.

It was a classic bait and switch. There were a total of four pictures of India, all taken with her blackberry with dust all over the lens. Her real motivation was to get me on facebook to play the stupid games and take the stupid "what your favorite color says about you" quizzes with her. I declined, but I never deactivated the account. My mom was my only "friend."

Then I opened my email two weeks ago and there was a facebook message from the stalker. He hopes my life's been good. He's been unemployed for a while and it's making him crazy. I found his message beyond creepy, but I didn't react. I changed my facebook settings to no email.

Inwardly, I freaked right out. I have less than no money for my therapist now, or I would have been on the couch that day. I seriously contemplated getting a guard dog (as if my two german shepherd housedogs aren't enough!) I contemplated getting a permit to carry a firearm (I have three kids! I'm not owning a gun!) And then I came back down to earth a little bit.

I logged on to facebook today to deactivate my account, and there was another message from him. He sometimes wonders 'what if.'

I hesitated in deactivating. I didn't want to give any reaction. Then I thought about how it would affect me if the messages continue or <gah> escalate. I deactivated the account.

I tell myself I am likely overreacting. I tell myself there is nothing to worry about. But...he said outright that he feels "crazy." I find that alarming.

I have a lot of anxiety over the stalker contacting me again. I'm afraid for myself and for my family.

I am angry with myself for letting my mom goad me into signing up for facebook. He found me through her--he sent her a friend request on the same day.

I'm dealing with a bunch of crappy feelings regarding my mother and it ticks me off to no end that I have to deal with that again! I'm busy! I want to spend our discretionary income on taking the kids on a fantastic camping vacation this year--not therapy!

I would deeply appreciate any words of wisdom....

Thanks for reading. It helps to just put it out there.

[Callimom]

No words of wisdom.
Just hugs and sending you safe, peaceful vibes.
Karen

[sarahn4639]

I'm so sorry. Are you worried that he can find you in person now? Did it just bring up old feelings? I'd try to really focus inward on where the feelings were coming from and try to discover what my real fear was, ie showing up on my door step or having to think about this again. That's where I would start and then I'd go from there with how I needed to deal with that.

I had a stalker in high school as well so I can sympathize somewhat. I hope you are able to work through this quickly and get back to happy and peaceful! Good thoughts for you.

[mamallama]

Thanks, mamas.

I can't believe I left this out. During that time period I had a friend (not a close friend, but we'd had sleepovers when we were little) who was murdered by her boyfriend. It was a big national case. He nearly got away with it.

It's hard to separate the personal from the political. During my college years I worked on domestic violence awareness.

Realistically, I tell myself that this guy is not a huge threat. I am concerned that he'll show up on my doorstep...but I'm also angry that I have to pay attention to it again.

[A&A]

You could either deactivate your account, or just block him. Sorry he's invaded your privacy, though.

[ElliesMomma]

your mother didn't "friend" him back, did she?

[mamallama]

Oh no--mom did not friend him back! She's in denial, but not that deep! She makes noises like she has regrets about not nipping it in the bud 22 years ago. I've redirected the conversation; I'm not about to absolve her, I'm not ready to confront her.

She's all annoyed that she has a pending request that she doesn't know what to do with. I'm annoyed she thinks her "problem" with unresolved friending on facebook is even worth mentioning to me. My mom is special, for sure!

[aggieP]

You could also report him to facebook. Be good to yourself, he has no power over you.

[LROM]

First of all you are NOT overreacting. Not at all. You know this person is controlling and creepy and doesn't respect boundaries. That is all scary enough to know and you have every right to want to totally and completely keep him at a distance.

Also, you really don't know what he's like now. he's saying himself he feels crazy at times... that is scary stuff right there. You need to believe what you know and trust your gut - do everything possible to keep a distance.

All that said, somehow you have to find a way to balance being vigilant about safety and privacy with not freaking out or living in a deep place of fear. Very hard balance to strike, but it's very important.

I have a couple suggestions for you. One is that you be 100% clear with your mom - no matter how much you think she at least understands this is serious - be 100% clear with her that she should not answer ANYONE's questions about your contact info no matter WHO it is. Seriously, she needs to be super clear that you don't want anyone - not just this guy, but anyone (because you never know who this guy might try to get to help him - no one should get your contact info.

Are you listed in the phone book either by your maiden name or married name? Unlist yourself immediately (although I'm guessing given your story you're not listed now).

How old are your kids? You need to make sure they understand what ever is age-appropriate for them to understand about safety, not going with strangers - even people who name you or your dh unless you've talked to them directly, etc. These are generally good safety measures but especially when you knwo someone is out there and being creepy.

You were smart to deactivate your account. Usually I believe in addressing someone like that directly, saying basically "I do not want to have any contact with you at all. Please do not write me or call or attempt to see me. Ever." But in this case maybe deactivating your account is the best thing.

I will say this though. If he ever does show up anywhere - heaven forbid - I personally strongly believe you have to be clear and direct immediately. If he ever shows up in person I think you have to say "I do not want to have any contact with you. You need to leave and not show up anywhere where I am ever again. I will call the police in a heartbeat if you ever show up again." You don't owe him any explanations, you don't have to have any conversation. Just say "I have the right to say I want no contact and that's what I'm saying. If you can't respect that, I'm calling the police immediately." If he doesn't leave, make sure you're in a safe public place or get to safety, then call the police. Get a restraining order.

That may sound alarmist and crazy, but my experience when I did domestic violence counseling is that most people with stalker tendencies fall into one of two basic categories (this is generalizing but it's basically what I saw): either they'r ethe type that target victims who don't stand up to them and don't set clear boundaries... or they are totally insane and target whoever no matter what boundaries the victim tries to set. I figure I'll set my boundaries because either it will work, or the scary person is so crazy it doesn't matter what I say so might as well try to be clear and start laying the groundwork for a restraining order.

I was stalked once and I finally called him and told him I knew what he was doing and that if I got one more call or he tried to see me, I'd show up at his job with the police and make a huge scene. I never heard from him again, although he did still call and hang up on my voicemail several more times over the years. But no messages and no in person visits.

Hopefully whatever you do to prep your family and yourself will be just good safety backup plans that you'll never need to use. But heaven forbid you need to face this guy, better to have a plan and have everyone ready. Also if you haven't already shown your dh and kids his picture, without being too alarmist to your kids you really should explain that he's someone they must never talk to or go anywhere with and that he may look different now but basically they should just be careful and always go to a trusted adult if anyone they don't know approaches them.

[ETA one more thing: if he sent the "I sometimes wonder what if" msg after you didn't respond to the first msg, that says he's clearly continuing not to respect boundaries. It doesn't change anything of the other advice I offer you, but it does make me think your instincts are that much more valid if he sent you that kind of msg after you didn't even respond to the other one.

Best of luck with this!

[Norasmomma]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I was in a nasty relationship in HS with psycho stalker, luckily for me I know I'm safe from him because he died in a car wreck.

Seriously does your DH know what happened?

FWIW you do need to be prepared, at least IMO. My mom had a guy from the past find out her and my dad had divorced, the guy ended up coming to Oregon where we lived, he took pictures of my mom from across the highway and then sent her the pictures, weird stuff. She told him off and he got the hint, but it was pretty freaky. I'd be prepared you just never know with someone like that.

[A&A]

And get yourself a mace gun:


http://cgi.ebay.com/Mace-Womans-Pink...item5886c844aa

[GearGirl]

Wow that just sucks. I'm really sorry, you are NOT over reacting. It is alarming that he contacted you right away once you created that account, that he thinks "what if". Hopefully he is harmless crazy, but I think you are doing all the right things to protect yourself and I'm sorry about your mom. I feel frustrated even reading that, so I can only imagine how you must feel.

[SunshineJ]

Yeah isn't facebook just great. Right now I think may main questions and concerns would be this: Does you mom have ANY pictures of you/your family on her site that contain identifying info, including house numbers, scenery of your area, etc? Are any of your names posted on her FB account? Is there any way for him to know your last name now? If all of this is a clear and resounding no, then unless you have reason to believe otherwise, I think you're good to stay viligent without panicing. If there's any chance you think this guy knows where you are and might show up, it may not hurt to swing by the police department and let them know. They can't do anything, but at least they will be aware of it.

[mamallama]

Wow--thank you so much, ladies!

LROM, thank you for that post!

I appreciate everyone taking the time to support me.

I thought I had done a good job maintaining privacy....but when I googled my maiden name today, the one and only hit was the county recorder's website. It lists the property we own, our mortgage company, and my married name. We bought the house before I changed my name.

So, just by googling my maiden name, there's my married name. I'm really frustrated by this. I would have liked to have kept my maiden name, but I changed it so that I could be a little more free. I'm so, so irritated that the county recorder linked my names.

Googling my married name turns up all of my business contact information (I'm a doula,) plus multitudinous offers promising background information on anyone for the low price of $9.95.

The good news is there are no photos of me or the kids anywhere.

Dh and I have been talking about the stalker. He suggested I google his name. I found bankruptcy notices.

I'm working on my plans--what I will do if I come home and there's a strange car in my drive, that kind of thing.

I feel more settled today.

[LROM]

Very smart move googling yourself. And I think PP's advice to make sure your mom has no identifying info in photos or text on her facebook is a good move, combined with swinging by your local police station, and maybe leaving a photo of Scary Guy with the date taken (so they know if it's old).

I have a gut feeling you'll be fine, but part of being fine is taking all these precautions.

Big bummer about the county records, that is annoying.

Also, another thing that's a generally good safety measure but again especially here is to have a "safe word" with your dh and kids. A safe word like "macaroni" or anything you usually wouldn't say so if you ever send someone to pick your kids up from school the person picking them up uses that word so your kids know you definitely sent that person. And if your dh ever calls and asks if you're ok and you're really not, you do NOT use the safe word so he knows there's a problem, and vice verse.

That may all sound like overplanning, but this is what I'm going to do when my dd is older and I don't have any creepy guys emailing me. Most of it is just general good emergency planning. That hopefully none of us will ever have to use.

Glad you're feeling better, I think you'll be fine!

[GoBecGo]

I'm sorry you feel so vulnerable.

I would try to think of the reality. You were 14 - he was older (and 2 years is substantial at that age) and he controlled you and behaved threateningly, plus on the side of that you had the murder of a friend to deal with (which isn't easy at ANY age).

But times have changed mama, you're a grown woman now, you can stand up for yourself where your own mama failed to. You don't need to be scared of this guy - be aware by all means, but recognise that you, a mother with young, are the most dangerous type of animal nature has.

To my mind he is very lucky you just deactivated (a wise choice btw, you don't need to be even wasting thought space on this guy!) - if he'd said those things to me i'd have replied "i sometimes wonder why the hell you stalked me like a freaking lunatic for 2 years and basically ruined a good portion of my teenage life. I sometimes wonder if ANY other woman was ever unfortunate enough to let you do the same to her. I sometimes wonder if you've learned the meaning of "no" yet, at your grand old age. I sometimes wonder if you remain the controlling, narcissistic, selfish obsessive you were back in High School. Today i wondered why you would contact me and why the hell you thought for even one second i would be in any way interested in you, your life, or anything at all you have to say. And right now i wonder if this hint is big enough for you or if i'll have to start notifying other people/agencies for you to get it that i don't want anything to do with you. Ever."

[LROM]

Oh my gosh, I am SO copying that and saving it! I hope no one I know (including me) will ever have to say that to anyone, but that is EXACTLY what I'd want to say and I'm saving that in case anyone ever needs it! Well said!

[ETA] Also GoBecGo, I also love what you said about a mother with her young is the most dangerous animal in the world when threatened. That is SO true, and just the other day someone asked me something, someone who creeped me out a little, and I answered "My dh and I always say that if anyone ever hurt one of us or our child, the other parent is fully ready and willing to go to jail after torturing and killing that person. No one will ever lay a hand on our family and survive it." Needless to say this creepy guy creeped away and I don't expect to ever talk to him again. That may sound horrible but I was at least being half-true, but more so trying to just make a point about how far we'd be willing to go to protect our family.

While me and dh are basically peaceniks, the idea of anyone harming one of our family absolutely makes us both scared and angry. But we insist on being prepared and I seriously would not want to be the person who crosses me, especially if they're trying to harm dd.

[mamallama]

Holy macarooni, GoBecGo, that is a phenomenal piece of writing!

Thank you so much for putting my anger into words! All I could manage was f-this, f-that, and f-you...so I didn't. I am copying for future reference.

Y'all are right about my inner mama bear. I practice that, Protecting the Gift style. I know specifically how I would protect myself and my family in a variety of situations.

I've lived in high crime areas since I left my parents' house--self preservation is more than just a theory for me. Somehow I didn't make the connection between the urban confidence (and wisdom) I have now and the fear I had when I lived rurally as a teen.

thank you.

[claddaghmom]

I would have deactivated in a heart beat. It sounds like you are paying close attention and looking at your options and I agree with you.

I was cyberstalked in my teen years and it turned real. It's a horrendous experience.

Last week I discovered Yahoo made me a profile. It was proudly advertised when I logged into a throwaway email account that I only use when doing online couponing stuff. I signed up for a coupon and it needed me to click on the email sent to my inbox. So I signed in and found out I had a profile! Yippee.

I clicked on it and they had my entire name, plus my maide name, my state, my city, my zipcode, my phone number and my full birth date!

I still have no idea how the HECK they got it but I erased it all and then deactivated that acct. in a heartbeat. WTF knows how long my info was just sitting there...and on "public view" too.

I'm still shaken up about it.

[lilmom]

I just want to reiterate what others have said so well: Take it seriously. He is obviously unstable and good for you for deactivating. I feel sometimes like all our technology and access to so much info can hurt us this way.

I too had a stalker in HS, a guy I dated..I wanted out after about 3 wks..but it took me a few months to actually get out, and like your mom, my parents were letting me, at 16, date a guy who was 21. Um WHAT? Looking back, I still think that's nuts.

Anyway, I worked hard to get distance from him, and be super private. but then, a few years later, when I was in my 20's, he showed up ON MY DOORSTEP after I had literally not talked to him, seen him, or heard anything about him in about 6 yrs. I didn't think he knew anything about me.This was before myspace, facebook, and all that stuff, and I was totally unlisted. But he found me, and showed up, with HIS BABY, who was about 6 months old. I was terrifed because I lived alone, and had just moved to that particular suburb, and knew no one around me. He told me he wished that his son was "our" baby. And worse yet, I have a "boy" name, and his son actually had MY name, which he said was "after me". He said his wife had left him. (Smart woman, I guess, but why he had the baby I have no idea) Anyway, I told him in no uncertain terms that I was dating someone, and that I had no intention of breaking up. i told him his baby was very cute but I needed him to leave because i had things to do. I don't know exactly what I said right, but he left and didn't come back...

UNTIL several years later, when he went to my dad's house (where I grew up)and basically started harrassing my dad to find out about me. Luckily he gave him no info and told him to get the heck out. Haven't heard anythng since then and I *hope* I never will. I believe though, that he was the type of stalker who would not have actually harmed me.

However, my ex husband is the kind who I believe, no.. KNOW, would. (yes i have two. argh) So after I divorced, I again worked very very hard to have privacy and nothing listed, etc. Then facebook came along. And my sister got an account. And immediately he started sending her messages asking about me, looking for me, etc. She told him she would not give him any info and he did finally stop. but still. who knows...it scares me because i'm pretty sure if he really wanted to dig into public records and all that he would be able to find out my married name and all that stuff.

so I wholeheartedly agree on having the safe word with you, Dh, and kids..i agree with having a PLAN of what to do if something crazy happens..because you just.never.know.

I'll be saying a little prayer for you. Just remember to be empowered..have your plan and you will be ok, even if he doesn't quit for awhile. Hang in there..