Girls and clubs

[kate42]

Arg! My sweet little first-grader decided this morning that she wanted to start a detective club. Then at the bus stop, she told one of her friends about it but said it was only for her and two other friends.

The poor little girl was so hurt. I pulled DD aside and explained how she hurt her friend's feelings by excluding her. I then told her that clubs need to be for everyone who wants to be in them.

I have NO idea if that was a good thing to say??? I have heard other parents talk about how their daighters were excluded from clubs and how much it hurt them. This is our first experience with it and I'm frankly shocked that DD would shut her friend out, although I don't think she realized that she might offend.

What do you recommend in these situations? Do I, as the mom, need to get involved beyond teaching how exlusion hurts?

Or should I just hope that this club idea is short-lived?

tia
kate

[Lolafanana]

I don't have any advice but will impatiently waiting for responses. My 4 year old had encountered this already and I have no idea how I would handle situations like yours.

I would have probably handled it very similarly to you but I am looking forward to others resonses

Thanks for posting this

Diana

[Autumn Breeze]

Chances are the 'club' is short lived. But it's still a good teaching opportunity to let your daughter know...especially if she hasn't yet experienced it herself.

[spirit4ever]

I think you said the right thing.

Maybe after school, alone I would really talk about how it may feel to not let friends into clubs...

But sadly I think it's just the beginning..

[One_Girl]

I talked to my daughter about the same thing when she started getting into clubs. She experienced exclusion from clubs and chose to exclude people from clubs at different points during kindergarten and first grade. Her teachers at school and daycare also had discussions with kids about how it makes people feel when you are excluding them and both places implemented a no club rule when the clubs started getting very out of hand despite the discussions.

[kate42]

Thanks to all for the replies!

DD and I had a talk about how we can make sure that people aren't being excluded by these clubs. I think she understands. She just wants other kids to be detectives with her, lol.

How long does the club fascination last? DD told me that there are all different kinds of clubs.

[nextcommercial]

It's something that she will learn the hard way. You told her, and you will continue to tell her that it's not ok to tell a friend about something, then blatantly exclude her.

But, soon, it will happen to her, and this is a good time to be understanding of how much it hurt her to be excluded. Then, mention, "do you think this is how Amanda felt when you told her she couldn't be in your club?"

One day, she will exclude another child, and you can again remind her "remember when you weren't invited to sarah's party, but some of your other friends were?"... then tell her again how hurtful it is to exclude someone.

SHe doesn't have to be everyone's friend. She doesn't have to like all the girls. She doesn't have to include everyone... but, she shouldn't tell that child about a club or a party, then exclude that child too. If she makes the announcment, she should only do it if she wants that girl to participate.

It takes YEARS to learn this stuff. Most kids don't start to understand it until about 6th grade. By 6th grade, only the mean girls can get away with it. The other girls will have had their feelings hurt enough that they "get it" and try to avoid making others feel bad.

I would drop it for now. Other than a reminder that she needs to think before she talks, so nobody else feels left out.