long trip and separation from nine month old?

[CassnBeth]

Sorry ahead of time for the novel (and I am not sure if this should be in the Breastfeeding forum so I will try to cross post) --

I found out over the weekend that my seventy year old father is going to have to go in for major open heart surgery sometime in the next week or two. I feel like I really need to make the trip from MA to PA to see my dad and help my mom during this incredibly scary time but I am extremely conflicted about how to do it. I am the stay at home parent for our nine month old DD but my wife gave birth to her and pumps breastmilk for all her bottles (DD has never latched and had a number of oral issues as a newborn). I don't know if I should leave my little girl here with DW knowing full well we will need to find a sitter/daycare for her for the two to three weeks I will be gone or take DD and our entire freezer stash with me knowing that my wife will have to ship me more milk in seven days even if I stretch things by giving formula at night??

Truthfully, I cannot even fathom leaving my little girl here without me. I know there are wonderful sitters and daycares out there but I have never left DD for more than a few hours with my wife and the very idea of having her spend all day with a stranger horrifies me. Also, DD does not like taking bottles from anyone but me. I spent months coaxing her to get the whole idea that taking a bottle was a cosy snuggly thing and, when she finally got it, she became very very attached to our bottle-nursing sessions. As far as she is concerned, when I offer her a bottle it is "nursing" so she flings herself sideways and snuggles right in and when someone else is offering a bottle they are just trying to feed her one of the gross bottles she doesn't like very much and she will put put it off as long as she can. I guess I am worried leaving her without me for two weeks would be like suddenly weaning her and we have enough trouble keeping weight on her without compounding the whole feeding issue with emotional trauma.

And yet....am I just being an anxious first time mom who refuses to believe her baby can get on fine without her? I honestly can't tell. Could I get some insight or suggestions please?

[NEastMomma]

Hi Beth,
Wow, you're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I can totally understand why you want to go be with your dad during this time. Though it is not exactly the same thing, my own mother is quite ill with terminal cancer, and I know how precious our time together is. Of course I am betting that you don't want any regrets about not having gone to see him should something happen (God forbid). BUT, you also don't want regrets about having to leave baby!

You didn't mention what the living situation will be when you go to PA. Will you be staying with your dad or at a hotel? Will it be "too much" to have an active babe around someone who is trying to rest? I'm not suggesting it'd be too much, just thinking out loud here.

My first hunch is to tell you to bring the baby and milk supply with you, supplement with formula and get your DW to send you more milk as she can. Since DD is 9mos, perhaps you might stretch milk supply a bit further by offering some mashed fruits or "baby food?" I am coming from a place of breastfeeding my 7month old, so I'd be inclined to want to bring baby w/ me.

Unfortunatley you are kind of going to have a "stressful" situation no matter how you slice it. I think that if you need to go be with your dad (and I so get that), you can maybe be okay with DD coming with you and just deal with the less-than-stellar milk situation?

Sorry this isn't more decisive or insightful. I feel for you. Hang in there. You sound like a wonderful mommy (and daughter) who will make the right decision for her family. Best of luck to you and your dad too!

[snoopy5386]

I would go and take the baby. Have DW come visit and bring BM on weekends. It will be just as hard of a separation for DW. Can she take any vacation time to be with you for part of the time? Do you have any siblings that will be there as well? MA to PA isn't a horribly far drive for DW to come for the weekend, especially sans kid.

[CassnBeth]

Thank you both so much for trying to tackle my issues here.

@NEM -- Thank you for reminding me that my parent's preferences should factor into this too. I know they would by far prefer I bring DD along no matter how inconvenient it made housing us.

@snoopy -- You bring up a really good point. My wife is way less panic-stricken than I am about being separated from our daughter but she is very upset about the idea of DD being left with a sitter. My In-Laws were awful people and their parenting has left DW viewing anyone who might potentially have unsupervised contact with our daughter with deep suspicioun. Thanks for bringing that up; I was getting mired in second-guessing myself and forgetting to weigh DW's issues into my decision.