would this be asking too much? - Page 4

[mommia]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

I don't know. I am not out and out disagreeing...just saying I do not know.

She is a parent, she does not get to dictate who volunteers in the class.

If she said " Ds is never to be near xyz"

The school may very well come back with "the school decides who volunteers".

To a degree this is how it should be. If a place decided I shouldn't volunteer based on a single parents unproven concerns, I would not be amused. I may even threatten them with a libel or discrimination suit. You cannot exclude people without grounds.

I will re-iterate that it makes far more sense to ensure the volunteer policy is safe and compliant with reasonable protocal for working with vulnerable (children) populations.

Agreed

[mommia]

Originally Posted by cloe

Initially I would sugest that my child be seperated from the other child. If that didn't occur and they were placed in the same class I would express in writing that under no circumstances is my child allowed to interact with this man. Reiterate this with your child. My understanding is that the school can read between the lines be on the lookout not only for your son but for the class as a whole. They are not interested in having a pedaphile on campus and should be on the lookout for possible lawsuits. I am sure if someone had done this at my elementaray school the "storyteller" who used to come would never had contact with the great number of students he went on to molest. Trust your instincts.

OMG. I'm so glad you posted that I will be talking to the school! You cannot be too careful and if something happened to any of the kids I would be sich . All very good advice!!! Thanks so much for posting this!!! Hopefully this post will protect not just kids at this school but others of children of parents who are reading this. I'm not overreacting and once the damage has been done as it was with this "storyteller" at your school it cannot be undone, it's too late. THose poor kids and parents... My heart goes out to them.

I will definitely trust my instincts, thank you...

[mommia]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

except this is assuming the guy has done something wrong & there is NOTHING posted that shows that. Sure there is always the chance that he *may* be a pedophile, but there's that chance with everyone, male or female. The chances are HIGHER that he's not.

She has never even talked to the guy. She has judged him & in her mind accused/convincted him of something that she can't even clarify.

It's a gut feeling that something is off!!!! And you know what if more people listened to their instincts a lot of bad things could be avoided. Better safe than sorry. I'm not going in there accusing him of anything I'm thinking that I do not want my son around him to be on the safe side and the more I think about this and especially after reading the post you commented on I need to do something to protect kids from anyone with bad intentions. Once something has happened it's too late to protect the children affected isn't it.

Should we all wait to protect kids until it's too late and that gut feeling turns into abuse and a child is affected for the rest of his or her life???

It's a million times more likely that a pedophile will be a man when we're talking about children. Think of the priests and boy scout leaders...

And for the record I did not accuse or convict anyone of anything. I simply stated that my instinct says that something is off.

[mommia]

Originally Posted by cloe

But she does have the right to advocate for her child. She does have the right to say whom her child interacts with. The child has a right to be in a public school with teachers and other kids not with parents. As I said in my previous post there actually was a volunteer pedophile that was at my school growing up so I am super sensitive about it. He has since been in jail 7 times for rape and sodomy on numerous children. So yes I feel that if the parents who felt uncomfortable with their children interacting with him had spoken up he would have been exposed sooner. If parents feel that their children can not be shown a movie, given a particular book or taught sex and drug education then surely they can also say that they are not to be allowed to interact with a certain volunteer. No reason to give explanations or accusations. Just a simple I am not comfortable with them being around so and so please ensure that they are kept separate.

I am not suggesting that she go into the school and say that she has decided that this man is a pedophile and he better stay away from her son. She is not the judge and jury. But she defiantly has the right to say that her kid is not allowed to interact with this or that person. I make that decision with my kids every day, as do most parents. I have defiantly had this feeling with someone and I would never have my kids alone with this person. I also never gave a reason for it, why would I? It isn’t a feeling that comes along often but when it does she has the right to listen to her instincts just as you have the right to listen to yours.

I completely agree that parents have the right and responsibility to speak up and advocate for their child. Of course I would never make any accusations... the way you said it is perfect should they end up in the same class that's the way I will handle it. The volunteer thing is a tricky subject on the one hand bothe kids and teachers greatly benefit from parent volunteers with good intentions but on the other hand as it did at the school you went to the scary but fortunately rare reality is it can also be a harmful thing if someone with bad intentions slips through the cracks... Screening is definitely important and will be addressed, particularly in cases where parents drive for field trips, which is how he volunteers. As far as in class volunteers I know they are careful as far as not letting them alone. Thankfully more people in the world than not are good and decent but a person cannot be too careful, particularly when it comes to children.

[sapphire_chan]

How do you know it wasn't the kindergarten boy who wanted to go for a ride in a big car? With snacks and his friends.

You say the limo ride isn't the problem, but you started off with that and you come back to it as "proof" that the guy is a problem.

If you have any real concerns, talk to the authorities. And feel free to make a request about classrooms.


A organization I was in had a problem with a molester because people neglected to follow a rule about having to have two people present for all children's activities. He would NOT have been flagged in a background check.

The solution? Requiring background checks for anyone doing a children's activity. Meaning fewer people can do children's activities so there is more of a chance of children ending up alone with an adult who could pass a background check.

[itsmyturn]

There are alot of "one-up" dads at my school. I would not be surprised if a dad at my school did this.
Some dads like to show off and others have been known to do extreme things trying to buy their childs popularity.

[velochic]

I just have to wonder what your reaction would be (your gut instinct) if a mom at the school, who was an over-the-top volunteer, supermom, picked up a group of little girls in a stretch limo for a princess birthday party. Would you think of her as a pedophile? I think that (in general) it's really sad that the idea of a man with a bunch of young boys automatically makes people think dirty thoughts.

However, I totally agree with going with your gut instinct. Nature gave mothers hairs on the back of our necks for a reason. But I would be very careful to evaluate your feelings (perhaps some jealousy that they did something REALLY cool and perhaps out of many people's financial league) before you pursue talking to the administration. They are likely going to want to know why you don't want you child to be with this boy, and if you haven't even talked to this parent to get to know him at all, you're going to be making, what to them, will be some VERY groundless accusations.

Schools don't just allow volunteers without some background checks. This guy has passed their test, obviously. Statistically, he's probably a sound guy. And if he is, and you make accusations, you could end up with at a minimum, egg on your face, and worse, a lawsuit.

I would say your best course of action is to pursue establishing school rules that volunteers are never alone with the kids (if it's not already there) and otherwise, just don't let your kid hang out with his after school hours.

[Deefodil]

Originally Posted by velochic

I just have to wonder what your reaction would be (your gut instinct) if a mom at the school, who was an over-the-top volunteer, supermom, picked up a group of little girls in a stretch limo for a princess birthday party. Would you think of her as a pedophile? I think that (in general) it's really sad that the idea of a man with a bunch of young boys automatically makes people think dirty thoughts.

[monkeymomma24]

There was this dad in one of my schools who everyone thought was kinda weird. He was a volunteer and he did many of the things you describe, lavish birthday parties, very involved, but something just seemd "off" about him.

You know what it was? When his daughter was three, she was involved in a car accident that nearly took her life. She was in a coma for a week and a half. Doctors weren't sure how much damage she would have or what her life would be like in the future. She was too young for a lot of the tests.

The dad, who had a very high powered career and who invested wisely, quit his job after she was discharged from the hospital and dedicated the rest of his life to being involved in hers and to finding new ways to share moments with her (volunteering at the school) and to not taking anything for granted and to celebrating her in special ways (lavish birthday parties). The "offness" was the trauma of nearly having lost his daughter at a really young age and then spending a few years worrying what her quality of life would be until it was determined she was more than okay.

[kama'aina mama]

I think that really, the most productive thing you could do, overall, would be to talk to the principal and clarify what safeguards exist to protect children in the school. Are volunteers ever alone with children? What systems are in place to prevent this from happening? Do volunteers undergo any kind of background check? If you do that you are not just focusing on one person you are looking at the whole system, which will serve you better.

There are probably people who volunteer at the school that you have never laid eyes on. You don't know how many of them might make you uncomfortable. But if you know more about the schools protocols you might feel better about the whole thing. Or maybe you will get motivated to help the school create stronger policies.

[churndash]

Originally Posted by mommia

I completely agree that parents have the right and responsibility to speak up and advocate for their child. Of course I would never make any accusations... the way you said it is perfect should they end up in the same class that's the way I will handle it. The volunteer thing is a tricky subject on the one hand bothe kids and teachers greatly benefit from parent volunteers with good intentions but on the other hand as it did at the school you went to the scary but fortunately rare reality is it can also be a harmful thing if someone with bad intentions slips through the cracks... Screening is definitely important and will be addressed, particularly in cases where parents drive for field trips, which is how he volunteers. As far as in class volunteers I know they are careful as far as not letting them alone. Thankfully more people in the world than not are good and decent but a person cannot be too careful, particularly when it comes to children.

Your statement that he was "alone in a limo with helpless little boys" certainly implies an accusation.

You have every right to protect your child but you truly have no evidence (and no, your gut is not evidence) of any kind that this father is dangerous to anyone. By your own admission, you've never even spoken to him.

If you want to follow your gut and do what you can to keep your son away from this adult, by all means do so. But to ask the principal to do that for you, for no other reason than the hairs on the back of your neck stand up...that's not only unreasonable on your part, but it will probably make the principal very unlikely to take anything you say seriously.

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by velochic

I just have to wonder what your reaction would be (your gut instinct) if a mom at the school, who was an over-the-top volunteer, supermom, picked up a group of little girls in a stretch limo for a princess birthday party. Would you think of her as a pedophile? I think that (in general) it's really sad that the idea of a man with a bunch of young boys automatically makes people think dirty thoughts.

Not the OP, but yes, if the woman gave me the creeps for some reason you bet my reaction would be the same! There is, in fact, a classmate that lives up the street who's house I won't let the kids enter. The mom gives me the heebie jeebies and at first just a few things seemed "off". The more I know the less I like and I DO think she and the environment she places children in and would be willing to place my children in could be dangerous. (No, there's nothing I can call on at this time.) I don't think she's a pedophile necessarily but I don't trust her and won't trust her with my children. If I had thought about it, I would have also requested that her child not be in dd's class next year (our school requests that parents send in their teacher requests for the following year by March 26th). She's told me the only reason she's not a regular volunteer in the classroom is because she has a 1.5 yr old at home.

[MerriMom]

OP, what if you make someone's hair stand on end? (Maybe even that dad's.) Should that parent go to principal and state that you are never to interact with his/her child, implying some nefarious motivation to your volunteering?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mommia

OMG. I'm so glad you posted that I will be talking to the school! You cannot be too careful and if something happened to any of the kids I would be sich . All very good advice!!! Thanks so much for posting this!!! Hopefully this post will protect not just kids at this school but others of children of parents who are reading this. I'm not overreacting .

You don't know this man AT ALL and you want to hint to the school staff that you think he is a child molestor. You could ruin his life, his kids' lives, his marriage, etc.

You are seriously playing with fire with other people's lives. Try to image what would happen to your family *if someone who didn't even know you* starting hinting to people that your husband was a child molester.

[Drummer's Wife]

I do think it's asking to much, honestly. Who cares if he brought the kids in a limo? Nothing is really a red flag to me - but of course, maybe I am missing something huge here.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by SunshineJ

Not the OP, but yes, if the woman gave me the creeps for some reason you bet my reaction would be the same! There is, in fact, a classmate that lives up the street who's house I won't let the kids enter. The mom gives me the heebie jeebies and at first just a few things seemed "off". The more I know the less I like and I DO think she and the environment she places children in and would be willing to place my children in could be dangerous. (No, there's nothing I can call on at this time.) I don't think she's a pedophile necessarily but I don't trust her and won't trust her with my children. If I had thought about it, I would have also requested that her child not be in dd's class next year (our school requests that parents send in their teacher requests for the following year by March 26th). She's told me the only reason she's not a regular volunteer in the classroom is because she has a 1.5 yr old at home.

Of course, yes. I agree that if a woman gives a person the heebie jeebies, you should go with your gut instinct and not assume that she's "O.K." just because of her sex. However, a man with little boys shouldn't raise eyebrows any more than a woman with a bunch of little girls (or visa versa). Men love their kids as much as women do and if they want to throw a party for him (or her), they should be able to without people thinking, "dirty old man... luring helpless kids away with candy and a limo". Obviously there are parents who are not feeling threatened by this guy otherwise they wouldn't let their kids go with him. (And... who's to say he wasn't going to pick up his wife on the way to the birthday party... there's just so much that is unknown.)

The OP has stated that she hasn't even ever talked to this person. I'm not discounting the mama instinct. I think it's real and needs to be listened to. However from her posts I'm just wondering if the feelings are not somehow exacerbated by not liking the fact that he's Superdad and perhaps outshining other volunteers.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

You don't know this man AT ALL and you want to hint to the school staff that you think he is a child molestor. You could ruin his life, his kids' lives, his marriage, etc.

You are seriously playing with fire with other people's lives. Try to image what would happen to your family *if someone who didn't even know you* starting hinting to people that your husband was a child molester.

[zinemama]

I've read this whole thread and I still don't get it.

I don't understand why a man in a limo with a bunch of five-year-old boys sets off such alarms. Ostentatious, sure. But dangerous? Either he's driving the limo, in which case he certainly can't do anything to them. Or there's a driver - what, he's implicated somehow, too? Plus, what guy is going to attempt to molest an entire limo-full of kindergarteners, all at once? It makes no sense.

I get that the OP's hair stands up on her neck about this guy - whatever that signifies. But as far as I can determine she has never spoken to him, her son has had no interactions with him, and he has done nothing concrete to make her suspect he's a pedophile, yet she does, anyway. I'm not trying to be flip, but it all comes down to her neck hair, doesn't it?

That's just not good enough for me. And I agree with pp that it's not enough evidence to inform the school of your suspicions. This is a situation that could backfire on you quite seriously.

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I've read this whole thread and I still don't get it.

Thank you! After re-reading some of the responses, I still thought maybe I was crazy.

If the biggest concern a parent has is that a peer's father can afford to rent a limo - then count yourself lucky, for now. There will be way more pressing issues throughout your child's school career and life that will warrant an uproar or meeting with admin. I get having an uneasy feeling about someone else - except in this case, the OP doesn't even know this other parent - she hasn't spoken a word to him. It sounds like a lot of misguided preconceived ideas, and most likely nothing to truly be concerned about. Bullying, racism, etc., - yeah, I can then see requesting to have two students be in separate classes - but come on, this just seems really over the top, to me.

I guess I just can't imagine judging someone else basically based on a freakin' limo filled with kindergarten kids. I don't get it.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I've read this whole thread and I still don't get it.

I don't understand why a man in a limo with a bunch of five-year-old boys sets off such alarms. Ostentatious, sure. But dangerous? Either he's driving the limo, in which case he certainly can't do anything to them. Or there's a driver - what, he's implicated somehow, too? Plus, what guy is going to attempt to molest an entire limo-full of kindergarteners, all at once? It makes no sense.

I get that the OP's hair stands up on her neck about this guy - whatever that signifies. But as far as I can determine she has never spoken to him, her son has had no interactions with him, and he has done nothing concrete to make her suspect he's a pedophile, yet she does, anyway. I'm not trying to be flip, but it all comes down to her neck hair, doesn't it?

That's just not good enough for me. And I agree with pp that it's not enough evidence to inform the school of your suspicions. This is a situation that could backfire on you quite seriously.

At my dd's school most mothers and some fathers volunteer a lot and have very lavish birthday parties, but I would never let my jealousy or distaste over their spending habits fester so much that I decided something is wrong with them. I don't particularly care to be around the parents because they tend to have an attitude that rubs me the wrong way, but it isn't something that I think is horrible for my dd to be around. Jealousy and disagreement about morals are normal things to feel, but you shouldn't let your feelings control you. I think you need to take some time to reflect on what is really motivating you to judge a person you don't interact with and how you would feel if the situation was reversed. If you still want the kids separated then I think you should request it in a way that doesn't imply that this man is already a proven child molester. It is so easy to decide someone is really wrong when it is our feelings about what they do or our jealousy that is motivating us.