Haircuts etc for a six year old in a new (conservative) area of town.

[geekgolightly]

My six year old has a mohawk currently and he enjoys his hair. He also plays video games, including some T for Teen strategy games, and we -for the most part - allow him to pick books for bedtime reading. (I put my foot down when he requested the very violent graphic novels that my DH loves, such as Spawn).

These things seem to be tolerated here in our current neighborhood and city. We live in a blue collar city in a poor part of town and there are lots of parents with tattoos and funny haircuts (even a dad with bright blue hair!), but we are moving to Prairie Village, KS (where we have lived before) and it is horribly conservative.

For those of you who live in conservative areas (wealthier, solid middle class, where the Jonses' are watched and kept up with), is it possible for my son to develop friends, or should I go ahead and clip his wings (reign in the wild haircut, take away the strategy games such as Command and Conquer, Starcraft) so that parent's aren't scared of my child?

He is a sweetie. A serious sweetie, but he has a geek streak a mile wide. Both his father and I are geeks and I was punk rock as a teen and early 20's, but now blend in, so no one knows unless I tell them.

I don't know what will be tolerated by more conservative families/neighborhoods. I know that lots of you don't tolerate any video games or TV, but if you overheard a mohawk'd six year old telling your son about video games would you ban him?

Signed,
Worried about raising the freak flag too high.

[serenbat]

or should I go ahead and clip his wings

why you would want to "clip" (I view this as change) is beyond what I could ever want to do as a parent

-we don't keep up with the Jones' nor have a desire to make our children feel they should as well

I have seen children this is done to and I don't want my children around them!

[Alyantavid]

I wouldn't.

I'd let him be what he wants. We live in a super conservative area and constantly heard comments about our younger son's hair when it was long. He requested a hair cut at 3.5 and it's now in a mohawk. I seriously have to laugh at all the people who pestered me about cutting his hair for so long, they're really not into the hawk.

My older son plays video games that I know some parents don't believe are appropriate. But then again, he comes home describing, in detail, scenes from movies I'd never ever let him watch. So the video game thing wouldn't bother me.

I would teach him how to respond to comments he gets though (if he gets any). People seem to have no problem saying anything to kids.

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Originally Posted by geekgolightly

that lots of you don't tolerate any video games or TV, but if you overheard a mohawk'd six year old telling your son about video games would you ban him?

Signed,
Worried about raising the freak flag too high.

I'm not one of the "no screen time" kind of people. I think video games, computer time and tv are fine and normal. We don't live in 1950.

But, I'd be put off if my young kid brough a friend home that was playing violent games, or watching tv I thought was innapropriate.

When my daughter was little, she wasn't even allowed to watch Simpsons. So, I was careful when she went to someone else's house. I wouldn't think much of it at all if he were at MY house, but I probably wouldn't let her at your house, in case there were violent games or tv on while she was there.

I also wouldn't ever expect another family to edit what they watch or play while my child is there. That's my job, not someone elses job.

The mohawk wouldn't even get more than one raised eyebow. Then, I'd get over it. Just like seeing anything out of the ordinary.. you see it, you notice it, then you move on. That isn't something that people will worry about.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

I wouldn't.

I'd let him be what he wants. We live in a super conservative area and constantly heard comments about our younger son's hair when it was long. He requested a hair cut at 3.5 and it's now in a mohawk. I seriously have to laugh at all the people who pestered me about cutting his hair for so long, they're really not into the hawk.

My older son plays video games that I know some parents don't believe are appropriate. But then again, he comes home describing, in detail, scenes from movies I'd never ever let him watch. So the video game thing wouldn't bother me.

I would teach him how to respond to comments he gets though (if he gets any). People seem to have no problem saying anything to kids.

I don't worry about anyone "saying things" I worry that he will be completely ostracized and unable to befriend anyone outside of class.

I appreciate, serenbat, your strong feelings on the matter, but truly, your comment isn't helpful. It's judgmental and that's pretty much the absolute opposite of what I need. I feel you, though. I really do.

I am looking for ways in which to deal with these truly conservative people. When he was younger and we lived there, he wasn't expressing himself through his hair etc. He did like to wear his batman outfit everywhere but not all that many people would comment, other than "how cute."

As a kid, I had parents ban me from their homes. One parent banned me from seeing his son because I had improper grammar. It broke my heart and I want to minimize this anguish, if at all possible. I definitely don't want to be the reason DS can't make friends.

Here at mothering, there are plenty of people who don't want their children doing this or that (eat non organic foods, watch TV, see video games, play with toy guns etc) so I thought I could get some perspective from some of you.

When I read what I wrote I want to say the same thing that serenbat says, which is don't clip anyone's wings, how horrible, but when you're the parent and worried sick that this child will end up being the pee boy in the class, you fret. I don't make friends easily, because I'm weird. I don't put up certain paintings because of their sexual nature, even though I love them. I have this fear ALL. THE. TIME. that I will be left out because frankly speaking I am weird. I wish we could move to the area of KC which is liberal, but the schools there are terrible (unaccredited school system, nationally known as terrible, not typical terrible). We are moving in with my MIL to save money while DH spends his last year of school in KC.

Frankly, I can't sort what issues are mine, in my head because I was so ostracized as a child, and how I was treated there in KC as an adult, and what issues really exist. So help. Please.

Alyantavid, does your child have friends. Are you able to have playdates? Do parents see you as irresponsible?

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I'm not one of the "no screen time" kind of people. I think video games, computer time and tv are fine and normal. We don't live in 1950.

But, I'd be put off if my young kid brough a friend home that was playing violent games, or watching tv I thought was innapropriate.

When my daughter was little, she wasn't even allowed to watch Simpsons. So, I was careful when she went to someone else's house. I wouldn't think much of it at all if he were at MY house, but I probably wouldn't let her at your house, in case there were violent games or tv on while she was there.

I also wouldn't ever expect another family to edit what they watch or play while my child is there. That's my job, not someone elses job.

The mohawk wouldn't even get more than one raised eyebow. Then, I'd get over it. Just like seeing anything out of the ordinary.. you see it, you notice it, then you move on. That isn't something that people will worry about.

This is pretty much what I'm concerned about. Except more.

If you knew your child's friend played "violent" video games, are you going to encourage or minimize the friendship. Will you discuss your feelings with the parent or just sort of walk away, stop answering requests for playdates?

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

Frankly, I can't sort what issues are mine, in my head because I was so ostracized as a child, and how I was treated there in KC as an adult, and what issues really exist. So help. Please.

Alyantavid, does your child have friends. Are you able to have playdates? Do parents see you as irresponsible?

Yes, they both have lots of friends. They aren't thought of as "weird" or bad or anything. Any comments we've gotten have been more along the lines of me being a weird parent for making my child look a certain way. Most people here can't believe I let a 3 year old have control of his hairstyle. But the people who know us (teacher, daycare, friends, etc) know that we're all perfectly normal and that hair isn't a big deal to us.

We do talk with our 8 year old about his videogame habits. And about how some people don't want to hear about those kind of games and so on. Because I know alot of parents don't let their kids play those types of games.

[geekgolightly]

And what's wrong with editing while other kids are around? We already do that. When DS had a friend over, they played an E for Everyone game, because that's what the mom was comfortable with. She hasn't asked DS back over and didn't respond to an e-mail I sent about the next playdate.

She's actually from a wealthier part of town. DS met him in preschool before Kindergarten started. It could be that she doesn't see the point in them continuing to hang out since they don't go to school but I worry that something happened she didn't approve of, but I have NO IDEA what that could be. It could be the cross we have hanging up! It's a cross with Frida Kahlo pictures with nails hammered into it. It's an interesting piece of art, but Christians could get upset by it.

I am scared to put pressure on her to write ans ask what's happening. If we scare off someone from this notoriously blue collar area, moving to PV is going to be nightmarish, I fear.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

Yes, they both have lots of friends. They aren't thought of as "weird" or bad or anything. Any comments we've gotten have been more along the lines of me being a weird parent for making my child look a certain way. Most people here can't believe I let a 3 year old have control of his hairstyle. But the people who know us (teacher, daycare, friends, etc) know that we're all perfectly normal and that hair isn't a big deal to us.

We do talk with our 8 year old about his videogame habits. And about how some people don't want to hear about those kind of games and so on. Because I know alot of parents don't let their kids play those types of games.

I can handle being thought of as a weird or bad parent as long as it doesn't impinge on DS's ability to maintain friendships. Your post gives me courage of conviction. At least to know it's possible in a conservative area. Do you do anything special to encourage growth of friendships? Thanks!

[momtoTnT]

I live in a small conservative town - but can't stand it and am moving back to my home town - among other things, I don't want to be forever thought of as the freaky tattooed mom at the grocery store - so my opinion is biased by that.

I wouldn't worry at all about the hair style/appearance of any of my kids friends.

The video games might concern me - but only because my DS (also 6) is the type of child who HAS.TO. copy anything he sees (movies are instantly memorized and re-enacted at our house) - he doesn't have the impulse control to tell himself no in some situations. If my son were to make friends with a boy who was allowed to watch movies/play video games that we don't at our house - I'd probably just encourage that either they play outside or at our house as much as possible and limit the other house to some degree - but not outright ban it - I certainly wouldn't discourage their friendship over it.

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Originally Posted by geekgolightly

This is pretty much what I'm concerned about. Except more.

If you knew your child's friend played "violent" video games, are you going to encourage or minimize the friendship. Will you discuss your feelings with the parent or just sort of walk away, stop answering requests for playdates?

I probably wouldn't do anything. If our kids liked each other, the only thing I MIGHT do is tell you how I feel about the shows and video games. Then, the rest is your choice. But, I wouldn't ask you to keep those things off of your tv while my child is over there.... If you didn't want to do that, I would be fine with it, and probably just keep my child at my house, or have them play outside.

I'd let your child hang out at my house any time. All I ever wanted was for my child to have good friends. I just wouldn't want my child to be exposed to violent video games or South Park type shows.

But, I wouldn't keep them apart in any way. I'd adore any kid that my own child liked. (as long as they didn't destroy my house, cuss or hurt my child)

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I probably wouldn't do anything. If our kids liked each other, the only thing I MIGHT do is tell you how I feel about the shows and video games. Then, the rest is your choice. But, I wouldn't ask you to keep those things off of your tv while my child is over there.... If you didn't want to do that, I would be fine with it, and probably just keep my child at my house, or have them play outside.

I am so flexible about this stuff. I want for parent's to be comfortable as much as possible. I have no problem with editing in my house for the sake of other kids. I really hope that parents are open to talking about this stuff.

I'd let your child hang out at my house any time. All I ever wanted was for my child to have good friends. I just wouldn't want my child to be exposed to violent video games or South Park type shows.

I really don't like South Park or Family Guy etc. Unfortunately I am only one parent so DH and I wrestle with these issues. Seth has seen a couple South Parks, early ones, which aren't as shocking, but still very hard for me to bear.

I know some parents are uncomfortable with SpongeBob, which is fine! I'll edit any of that stuff.

But, I wouldn't keep them apart in any way. I'd adore any kid that my own child liked. (as long as they didn't destroy my house, cuss or hurt my child)

Bless. That's pretty much how I am, too.

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I just wanted to add...

When my daughter was younger, I had kids who would come over and the mom would tell me "We don't let her watch rugrats, they are so disrespectful on that show". It was almost like an ultimatum, and if I didn't promise not to let them watch Rugrats, they were going to take their child and leave.

Obviously, I wouldn't turn on rugrats. But, I was always offended by that.

I have had parents tell me "She can't look at Junie B Jones books"..... I was all surprised because we had a whole shelf of Junie B Jones books.... and guess what they were going to run upstairs and look at??? Junie B. Who wouldn't want to go read all the books that you just found out were off limits?

I wasn't going to go up there and find all of her Junie B books, just for this one playdate.

I hated that mom btw. LOVED the girl. But, hated the mom.

[JollyGG]

I live in a very conservative part of the country and I see lots of Mohawks. My son sported one for a while before deciding he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

The behaviors you mention sound alot like 6 year old middle class kids in the conservative town I live in. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[pauletoy]

OP, I would let your child be who he is no matter where you live. His hair is his business.

Video games played in your house by your son only are again his business. I, however, would not want my 6 year old exposed to the violent video games. If we had a playdate or something at your house, I would tell you that my ds was only allowed to play E rated games and tell you what television shows were acceptable. Other than that, we wouldn't have any problems.

Good luck with the big move!

[geekgolightly]

Because my DH and I differ so widely on this subject and have debated it a billion times, I have become very comfortable with people disagreeing with me. If someone is going to ban a game or show, that's fine, as long as the kids can remain friends

My best friend won't let her kiddos watch spongebob, my husband thinks that watching rated R horror movies and playing M video games is perfectly appropriate (he was raised by a 60's hippie psychology professor who raised him as if he were a miniature adult).

So my two closest peeps are night and day on this subject. I am somewhere inbetween.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by JollyGG

I live in a very conservative part of the country and I see lots of Mohawks. My son sported one for a while before deciding he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

The behaviors you mention sound alot like 6 year old middle class kids in the conservative town I live in. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

thank you thank you.

I have been very worried about this move. I appreciate the reassurances.

[SunshineJ]

Honestly I have to say I think you're completely worrying over nothing and overreacting. I spent 35 of my 41 years in the KC area (just moved last year) and I've rarely met anyone from that area who would be so judgemental about a 6 yr old boys hair! Some of the older set, yes, and there would be sure to be a few comments to their grandchildren about not getting a cut like that, but for most people I really think it will be a non-issue. Just as you want your children to be given a chance, I think you should do the same with the people in your new area.

[Vermillion]

from a fellow “freak” mom, well, mostly… but at 26 I do blend in a little more than I did at my freakiest! I feel your pain!

When my son (almost 8) was younger, and I was a young mom, and a freakier mom... and because of that often judged mom… I SWORE that I would NEVER try to change him no matter what. I would let him express himself however he wanted to (so long as he wasn’t hurting anyone else of course) and to hell with anyone who didn’t like it! And then he got older and having friends became more important to him. Unlike how I ever have been in my life, to my surprise, he seemed to care about how other people view him, and… he wanted to fit it!

But we’re talking about a kid who has been raised in a very laid back, open kind of home where he can play video games (and not always E for everyone!) and watch movies that aren’t for kids, and listen to mom & dad’s music, etc. So he’s not exactly your average, run of the mill PBS watching kind of kid

But despite that, I’ve always stressed respect for others and have taught him that everyone is different with different rules and not everyone is ok with their kids playing certain games or wearing certain clothing and so on. And it seems I got really lucky with him, because he is very mindful of social rules and respect for other people! Still, at the beginning when we really got out there and began to socialize with all different sorts of people, I was pretty scared that he would “offend” and be shunned, but it’s gone really well so far! I mean yeah, we have ran into some people who look down at us because we do things differently, but IMO those aren’t people we want to be friends with anyway! And I really don’t want to teach my son that he has to fake it to fit it. Respect for others and their differences? BIG YES! Changing who you are to make others happy & willing to befriend you? NOOOOOOO!

Ok, so this is getting long… Not sure if I’ve been at all helpful But I did want to offer up some support and my BTDT. I guess my main point is I think it’s most important to teach your child to be themselves even if it is doesn’t impress others, because the people who are going to judge based on things that are so not important in the big picture, are not people worth your time anyway! Better your child be comfortable in his skin. I would just follow his lead on what he wants to do!

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by Vermillion

from a fellow “freak” mom, well, mostly… but at 26 I do blend in a little more than I did at my freakiest! I feel your pain!

When my son (almost 8) was younger, and I was a young mom, and a freakier mom... and because of that often judged mom… I SWORE that I would NEVER try to change him no matter what. I would let him express himself however he wanted to (so long as he wasn’t hurting anyone else of course) and to hell with anyone who didn’t like it! And then he got older and having friends became more important to him. Unlike how I ever have been in my life, to my surprise, he seemed to care about how other people view him, and… he wanted to fit it!

But we’re talking about a kid who has been raised in a very laid back, open kind of home where he can play video games (and not always E for everyone!) and watch movies that aren’t for kids, and listen to mom & dad’s music, etc. So he’s not exactly your average, run of the mill PBS watching kind of kid

But despite that, I’ve always stressed respect for others and have taught him that everyone is different with different rules and not everyone is ok with their kids playing certain games or wearing certain clothing and so on. And it seems I got really lucky with him, because he is very mindful of social rules and respect for other people! Still, at the beginning when we really got out there and began to socialize with all different sorts of people, I was pretty scared that he would “offend” and be shunned, but it’s gone really well so far! I mean yeah, we have ran into some people who look down at us because we do things differently, but IMO those aren’t people we want to be friends with anyway! And I really don’t want to teach my son that he has to fake it to fit it. Respect for others and their differences? BIG YES! Changing who you are to make others happy & willing to befriend you? NOOOOOOO!

Ok, so this is getting long… Not sure if I’ve been at all helpful But I did want to offer up some support and my BTDT. I guess my main point is I think it’s most important to teach your child to be themselves even if it is doesn’t impress others, because the people who are going to judge based on things that are so not important in the big picture, are not people worth your time anyway! Better your child be comfortable in his skin. I would just follow his lead on what he wants to do!

Thank you! Your home sounds like mine.

Sunshine, I lived in this area for five years and I was ostracized. I lived in Mission and PV. I worked at St. Luke's and was ostracized by fellow nurses and neighbors for being weird. I dread going back.