Haircuts etc for a six year old in a new (conservative) area of town. - Page 2

[serenbat]

I am looking for ways in which to deal with these truly conservative people. When he was younger and we lived there, he wasn't expressing himself through his hair etc. He did like to wear his batman outfit everywhere but not all that many people would comment, other than "how cute."

how would it be helpful to your child to try and "clip" him?

as others have said, it really seems that you need to feel secure around the conservative people to let your child feel good about himself

I would worry far less about what others say and more about your reactions and how it will effect his getting along and fitting in-friends come in all ways and shapes

[eclipse]

I think a six year old is old enough to have an honest discussion with about your concerns and then make the choice for himself, don't you? The only other thing to consider is that sometimes schools in conservative towns have very rigid dress code rules, including hairstyle. I think they're awful and i'd probably be a parent fighting the school about it, but it's something you should look into when it comes to how you handle the issue of his hair (since you mentioned friends outside of class, I assume you won't be homeschooling).

[thefreckledmama]

I have all girls until next month, but I honestly don't see a little guy running around with a mohawk, who likes to play games like you've mentioned as needing to have his "wings clipped" in the slightest. Honestly, I think if you were to do that it would be negative in a few ways. 1. That's who he is...other people can choose to be friends with him, or not (and if a haircut or what games he plays causes a parent to not want their kids to be friends with him, eh, I don't see that being a huge loss)-but I guarantee there are plenty of other kids his age out there with similar interests, and haircuts (mohawks, fohawks, and the like are HUGE with little guys now). 2. Trying to change who he is, even just at face value in order to help him gain friends that he may not otherwise have isn't a good idea, because I think it would send the message that who/how he is now, isn't "good enough", which is totally not true.

I say, LET HIS FREAK FLAG FLY HIGH AND PROUD!!!

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

Thank you! Your home sounds like mine.

Sunshine, I lived in this area for five years and I was ostracized. I lived in Mission and PV. I worked at St. Luke's and was ostracized by fellow nurses and neighbors for being weird. I dread going back.

Huh. Well there are judgemental people everywhere of course, but I rarely saw people outright ostracized. However I know St. Luke's is especially bad for being clique-ey, so maybe it was more the atmosphere at that particular location? Like I said, in 35 years it wasn't something I saw for one area or very often. <shrug>

[Jaesun's Dad]

I had my hippie long hair until I was in my mid 30s, I finally cut it because I was frankly sick of spending 20 minutes washing my hair every day, it was uncomfortable on hot days, and it was getting in the way more and more. Before that I cut it once to get a job in high school, and once when an employer "suggested" it might be "good for my career". In the latter case I went from having hair nearly to my butt one day to coming in shaved completely bald (yes, skinhead bald) the next day. They didn't mention my hair again when it got long again.

We live in the SF Bay Area so we certainly don't need to concern ourselves with conservatives too much around here, but both myself and my partner are pretty adamant individualists and we pride ourselves on being different and not "running with the pack". So I wouldn't automatically cut his hair or change anything because this would be sending an opposite message that we're both on board teaching him "be yourself and be proud of who you are".

However ... I also know what it's like to be a young boy and trying to fit in with the crowd. So if my son came to me and asked to change his look to fit in better then that's then his own desire and I'd go along with it. We'd talk about it, but I'd go with the boy's wishes.

[geekgolightly]

Today I had to go pick out new glasses because my prescription changed and I decided not to clip my wings either. I bought the exact glasses I wanted even if they will make me stand out. It felt good. Strange not to make a decision based on whether or not it will rat me out of hiding, but freeing. Looks like both Seth and I are gonna at least be ourselves even if we don't have friends.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

Today I had to go pick out new glasses because my prescription changed and I decided not to clip my wings either. I bought the exact glasses I wanted even if they will make me stand out. It felt good. Strange not to make a decision based on whether or not it will rat me out of hiding, but freeing. Looks like both Seth and I are gonna at least be ourselves even if we don't have friends.

Sounds like a great way to remind yourself and your son to be yourself. Good for you teaching your son to be an individualist!!!

[carmel23]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

Worried about raising the freak flag too high.

s mama. It sounds like you can talk to your son... about the whole 'first impressions' thing... and how, although it isn't right, people judge others...

Would he understand the 'stage analogy...' that when you are outside the home, its like you are on stage in a play... and you have to say certain things and act a certain way, and sometimes wear costumes... but at home you are backstage and you can be yourself...

it isn't exactly selling out, but putting on a performance?

I think I would ask if he wants to cut his hair... and go from there. If he does, then there you go, if he doesn't...

btw, a child at my son's school has a 'hawk, and I never really thought it was that out there (but then again, we're weird like y'all)

Y'all will do fine.

[Drummer's Wife]

Just wanted to say I live in a conservative, wealthy area and know kids with Mohawks. When we first moved here, we felt really outta place, b/c it was a big change in surroundings and people we associated with - but in time it has gotten a lot better. I mean, I still turn my stereo down when I roll into my 'hood, but I realized people are more accepting and not as uptight as I might have thought.

I wouldn't worry about it, TBH. If your DS decides he wants a change, he'll let you know.

[Grace and Granola]

I haven't read all the replies, but here's an opinion from a midwestern, conservative, christian, suburban mama!

I grew up in a snobby upper-middle class town and I was in a lower middle class family. In my experience, the financial aspect of growing up in that town was far more important than a person's own taste. There were plenty of "popular" kids with weird glasses, purple mowhawks, artistic, etc. If they were well-kept, clean, wearing nice clothes, they were accepted. It was the kids who didn't have the right kind of shoes, knock off clothes, that weren't accepted.

Now, as a mom of a 4.5yo, I wouldn't disallow my child to play with your child based on his look. I might take extra time to get to know him just to see if he was a nice kid (yes, my sterotype based on my upbringing!). If I overheard your kid telling mine about video games, I certainly wouldn't have a problem with our kids playing, but I would have a VERY cordial chat with you about how I don't like my kid playing video games, so would it be ok if they didn't do that at your house? Please let your kid know that we don't have video games at our house. Can we still be friends? As long as your kid is nice, polite, a good fit with my son, we're good. And with the video games, it's not really about me thinking that they're bad, but if you let my kid play them at your house, I am never going to hear the end of it at my house!

I think it's awesome that your son has his own style at age 6. I don't know when all that is supposed to start, but my kids just put on the clothes I pick, let me buzz off all their hair at home, and really don't care one way or the other, so I make them over the way I like!

Also, you could warn your son that things will be different in the new area. And if at any time HE wants to make some changes, you'd be willing to support him in that.

Good luck with your move

[Jessy1019]

What? No!! The last thing you should teach him his that he needs to hide who he is/be someone he isn't in order to make friends.

We live in a well-off area, and that hasn't stopped my kids from making friends. My daughter frequently has her hair dyed funky colors (and has since she was little), both kids watch movies and are exposed to things that lots of parents would be appalled at, they're vocal atheists, etc . . . we don't really fit in around here, but it hasn't stopped us from making friends.

It helps that the funky hair colors and the vast majority of our values are the norm at my daughter's school . . . but locally, not so much, and I would never want to see my kids compromising their identities to fit in, anyway.

[LynnS6]

We live in a lily white, moderately conservative, upper middle class neighborhood. (We are the only ones on the block who don't use lawn chemicals and have left wing slogans on our fridge (dh won't let me put them on the car for fear it'll get vandalized).)

We have a neighbor boy who plays first person shooter games and had a faux hawk for a while. When I restricted ds playing at his house, it wasn't because of either one of those things, it was because his dad drank excessively. Once dad moved out, I was fine with ds going over there again.

I've talked to the parents and ds about the games that are OK for him to play. They understood my position. I will never let my kids play first person shooter games while living under my roof. (Ds is sensitive enough that I don't think he'll really want to.) But my very firm stance on this doesn't mean the kids can't play.

I guess my point is: in every neighborhood you'll find some people who will be OK with your kid and some who won't. Please don't clip his wings. If he wants to get rid of the mohawk, let him, but don't pressure him.

[halomancer]

As the DW of a man who loves to play strategy games, I would like to say that most are not violent in the way of, for example, first person shooters (which DH also loves). I would not prevent my child from playing with your child because of his hair or his video games.