This might be more suited for PaP or TAO...tattoo ?

[Shellie]

...but I'm putting it here because, well...it felt right. I'm sure someone will move it or need be. It's kind of a weird question.

Dh wants to get a tattoo. Part of the point of the tattoo is proclaim his devotion to me after having an emotional affair about 18 months ago (and there was a situation prior that he'd hidden from me through our whole marriage, so this was a bigger deal than the emotional affair that resulted).

He wanted to rush out and get the tat right after we reconciled; I didn't want him to get it for the wrong reasons or rush into it without enough thought. We're at the point I think where we're both ready for him to get it though. If he still wants it 18 months later...

My mother thinks the whole thing is completely and utterly ridiculous--she doesn't understand how the tattoo would be healing to either of us in any way.

I obviously don't agree, but I do wonder if I will see it as something positive or negative once it's there, does that make sense? What if it makes me think MORE about the issue than about the symbolism it is supposed to have (commitment, faith, family, soulmates, etc).

Is this a reasonable or totally misguided thing to do?

FWIW, neither dh or I have any tats but we have family members (on his side) who have a few. My family thinks they're really trashy. I like them and think they're beautiful and sexy.

And if anyone cares to suggest any ideas of what it could be, I'm all ear.

[MamaChicken]

I have a tattoo (my only one) that is inspired by my DH's nickname for me. I chose it because he and I know that it is a symbol of my devotion to him. To the rest of the world it is just a cute tattoo.

As long as you both have a realistic expectation of what it means, and what it does NOT mean, and if it means a lot to you and he really wants to do it, why not?

[doubledutch]

it's none of your mom's business! i doubt it will remind you of the issue in a bad way, because that's not what it's about. if it does, that means you have more healing to do - which is important work, so it would still be a good thing. if he wants to get the tattoo, he should.

hmm, i think i might be overreacting a little bit because i wanted to get tattoos that symbolized my boys when they weaned. the younger one has just weaned, so this would be the time. dh doesn't want me to. i don't understand why (he has tons and is a former tattoo artist himself - seriously!). i also know my mom thinks it's trashy but i don't care about her opinion in this case. anyway, that's all just a disclaimer that i was already in the "do it!" camp, lol . . .

[Shellie]

Thanks mamas; I appreciate the insight.

I do think perhaps I have more work to do on the healing thing. I actually fear I will never completely recover. Things really aren't the same since and maybe they can't be. I guess the tattoo would also be a symbol of the new normal or moving forward from that point on, if that makes since. Like we can't undo it but we can still be OK.

Anyway, my mom tends to be controlling so I know that is part of her issue. She thinks they're awful and therefore it's invalid if someone else likes them. I've always wanted one too and probably will get one someday. Dh wants his like yesterday.

[tanyam926]

It sounds important to your dh to have a tattoo as the physical representation of the emotional and spiritual committment to you.

So I say it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It's not the tat itself, it's what it means to both of you that is important. Of course it's not going to mean anything to your mom, it isn't supposed to.

The hurt will be there to work through regardless of if he gets the tat or not so I don't think that the issue would be forgotten except for the physical representation.

If your mom thinks tattoos are trashy then she doesn't have to get one .

BTW, I think they are beautiful too, but also very personal and meaningful.

[zinemama]

I wouldn't be excited about this.

It would remind me more of the issue that inspired it than of the committment it's there to proclaim. I mean, he wouldn't be wanting to do this if he'd never deceived and betrayed you twice, right?

I agree with pp that it's none of your mother's business! But the whole thing strikes me as superficial (literally), when the only thing that can really symbolize his devotion will be years of actually earning back your trust through his actions.

(I do have a tattoo, BTW)

[Shellie]

Originally Posted by tanyam926

It sounds important to your dh to have a tattoo as the physical representation of the emotional and spiritual committment to you.

That's exactly what he wants and where he's coming from. I also think there's an element of penance in there too, related to the pain part.

Originally Posted by zinemama

I wouldn't be excited about this.

It would remind me more of the issue that inspired it than of the committment it's there to proclaim. I mean, he wouldn't be wanting to do this if he'd never deceived and betrayed you twice, right?

And that's exactly my fear, especially if he'd done it right away. The more time passes, the less I feel that way but it is a concern that once it's there, it will be a long-term reminder. Not like I think I'll ever stop thinking about it daily though, really. It was more of one deception that lasted 16+ years (withholding of info) that culminated with the betrayal (the emotional affair).

FWIW, he had been considering getting a tattoo related to me/the kids/our family for years before the big incident happened, but it was something we'd talked about for years and never acted on. And may never have acted on. Then after this happened he said "I really want to get a tattoo for you, more than ever" and that led to the tattoo in its current incarnation.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Shellie

Thanks mamas; I appreciate the insight.

I do think perhaps I have more work to do on the healing thing. I actually fear I will never completely recover. Things really aren't the same since and maybe they can't be. I guess the tattoo would also be a symbol of the new normal or moving forward from that point on, if that makes since. Like we can't undo it but we can still be OK.

Be careful; the tattoo could end up becoming a symbol of pain for you, rather than a symbol of healing.

Perhaps have him try a temporary tat first and see how that feels for you?