DH is deadset against ANY childcare help - need to vent!

[MamaPhD]

Hi mamas,
I am SAHM to sweet, smart & healthy 16 mo DD. I feel lucky to be able to stay home with DD and go to activities, playgroups, or just hang out. DH works quite long hours and maybe sees DD 15-20 minutes a day during the week (currently working 6 day weeks) and a few hours on Sunday. Now I feel like I really need a break, not just 10-15 minutes here and there but a couple of hours in a block. And I know a friend, who works full time, whose nanny is really great. So I suggested to DH, how about I ask my friend whether DD can nanny share, just 1x a week for 2-3 hours, sounds reasonable right? DH then gets upset and then asks me what I plan to do, when I need it, etc, then slience. Just slience and not even looking at me or anything for like the longest time. What is the deal???? Then he says, "I can watch DD until 11am on Saturdays and will go to work later, OK?" as in this is the end of this ridiculous conversaton tone. Jeesh! I didn't say I will suddenly return to work, which btw i may decide to do at some point, being a scientist with a phd and all, but not right now for DD's sake. BTW, DH's family takes GREAT pride in not using any childcare at all. Anyways, now I feel like $%^& and I'm not even sure why. I mean is it really EVIL to get some help for 2 hours in a week? I am doing pretty much ALL the childcare for DD plus night duties, so I'm on the job like 22 hours a day. She does take mid day naps pretty well, but I can't go anywhere or anything. And now DH has totally shot me down, when can I possibly bring it up again? DH and I have been together 12 years (5 dating, 7 married) and he is an extremely sweet and reasonable man, but now there are some exceptions I find out. IDK, just venting I guess. Don't know what to do, I still need some break, and now I can't even sleep in on Sat so I can use up my "break".

[Maluhia]

I'm so sorry your DH reacted this way to your [reasonable] request for help. Maybe write out your feelings in a letter, would he maybe re-listen that way?

[GoBecGo]

I would tell him no, i NEED 3 hours off, so go into work later on Saturday or let me fix up alternative childcare. If HE doesn't want childcare used HE needs to find a way round that, not you. It's great he's proud of not using childcare, but he doesn't DO the childcare either! I really think he has a right to care for his kid if that's what he'd rather happen, but i also think YOU have a right to set the boundaries, since it's you who is doing all the work. I personally don't like to use childcare either (never have yet) but it is MY responsibility therefore to make sure DD is cared for all the time, and to arrange a satisfactory situation when one/both of us need time off.

[Shellie]

I think you need to revisit the issue. It's not his decision to make, really, is it?

I never did anything like this with my older two and I regret it. I was fried--we all could have used a break. How about sign her up for a moms' day out program or something where you can leave her somewhere fun for a few hour's and still get your day to sleep in?

[karenh]

I agree with everyone above. Tell him that for the sake of your mental health, which will in turn keep you a good parent, you need a break every week. I work outside the home 32 hours a week, so I get a break from parenting, but I was finding I was either at work or taking care of DS, so I am negotiating time off from doing ANYTHING that isn't me-focused. Child care is not evil! DS loves going to his daycare provider's house when I go to work. Sometimes he asks to go even when I'm not working! He's 3, so has more fun playing with the other kids than just hanging out with me all the time. I'm glad to hear that your DH is usually reasonable, but you have just as much right to put your foot down on this as he does, so be firm

[Polliwog]

I'd push back on that one. And having a parent only see his child for 15-20 minutes six days a week would be unacceptable to me.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Sounds like HIS mind is made up on the matter, and your suuposed to just obey. I hate it when men do that. Sometimes thier brains are still so primal in automoatically thinking they make all the decisions.

2-3 hours A WEEK?!?!?! COME ON! My kids are in FT daycare 45 hours a week. That would make your husbands head explode!

[Super~Single~Mama]

I think he needs to be a bigger part of your DD's life. 15-20 minutes a DAY???? WTH?? Thats insane. He needs to cut down some hours, and give you a break at night.

He can be proud of not using childcare, but he needs to buck up and DO some childcare in order to be proud of it!

And why, if he doesn't work Sunday's, does he only see her for a few hours that day? Why can't you just take off on Sunday and do your own thing while he and your dd have a whole DAY together?

It sounds like part of the problem is that he has no idea how hard it is to actually care for a small child for a whole day, and it is hard. I love being a mom, but its one of the hardest things I've ever done - and being a dad shouldn't be any different.

[smokeylo]

you also might be able to sell him on benefits of play/socialization for your child. i started my dd at a PT daycare at 17 mo and it was such a great thing to have some free time and know that she was having fun with children her age.

[Kelly1101]

This:

Originally Posted by Polliwog

I'd push back on that one. And having a parent only see his child for 15-20 minutes six days a week would be unacceptable to me.

This:

Originally Posted by thyra

He can be proud of not using childcare, but he needs to buck up and DO some childcare in order to be proud of it!

And this:

And why, if he doesn't work Sunday's, does he only see her for a few hours that day? Why can't you just take off on Sunday and do your own thing while he and your dd have a whole DAY together?

My husband works hard, too, but after work he still watches Em for at LEAST an hour, plays toys with her, fixes her a snack, changes the diapers, etc., while I get done things I need to get done (okay, yeah, that tends to be doing dishes and laundry more often than relaxing, but at least I can take a warm bath if I've had a really hard day or something). And if you add up his "on duty" hours and MY "on duty" hours, I'm still "working" longer hours than he is. No, I don't use any outside childcare, but that's because her dad is actually HELPING me. And even more so on the weekends.

If he isn't able or willing to do that, it's his responsibility to make sure that you get that help elsewhere.

I'd put my foot down on this.

[Addie]

Originally Posted by thyra

He can be proud of not using childcare, but he needs to buck up and DO some childcare in order to be proud of it!

[calebsmommy25]

Oh Mama... I totally see myself in your post. My dp works very long hours (12-14 hours/day), but has Sunday (which he still has to go in for a few hours!) and Mondays off. I sooo understand having to take care of 99.8% of the parenting, day and night. I NEED a break to have "me" time. I normally request dp to take ds for a while on Sunday or Monday and do boy things for a few hours, which dp (and ds) now looks forward to every week. Ds will occasionally go spend time at his grandparents, so I can have a break and then have a date night with dp when he gets out of work. If I didn't have my parents or dps parents, I would have to utilize outside childcare occasionally because I would be so burned out. I don't know how some women (or men) stay sane and completely care for the house, children, etc. all day every day, without a break or time to themselves. I have done it in the past, with no help and that was not good for anyone!

You said his family prides themselves in not using childcare. Do you have family in the area to possibly utilize? If not, the subject needs to be revisited. I know it sounds like he has made up his mind, but you NEED and DESERVE to have some time to yourself. You said he has Sunday off? What does he do on Sundays? A couple of hours to himself is understandable if it is his day off, but should be a family day. He should be able to care for your lo by himself so you could go out for a walk, to the bookstore, cafe, etc. I feel it is imperative for the full-time caregiver to have 'off' time, it will greatly benefit everyone. If Mama bear isn't happy, no one is happy.

I hope he opens his mind and ears to hear you. I'm sorry he is being so unsupportive of you needing some help. Hang in there Mama, and update so we can hear what happens.

[pacificbliss]

Your request is more than reasonable. When you say his family is very proud of the fct that they never use childcare does that mean he has siblings who don't use childcare. I ask because it sounds like some ridiculous ego thing he needs to get over.

[QuestionGal]

so who watches DD when you guys have dates and the like?

I completely agree with you. In order to be a good mom you need to take care of yourself. Let me reiterate: you NEED to take care of yourself. Everyone (including your DH) needs to have some "Me" time.

Is it the fact that she's a nanny that bothers him? what exactly are his arguments against you having some time each week to take care of yourself? Is it a budget issue?

There are several options out there: Mother's Day Out (which in our area is only during the school year so with summer coming that wouldn't be an option until the fall), trading childcare with a friend, enrolling the help of some of those family members who are against childcare.

remember it takes a village, historically speaking women have had a much broader support network to help with children (extended family, neighbors who also stayed home, etc).

[Ceinwen]

Nope, no way, no how.

You absolutely deserve some 'you' time. I'm a single, f/t working mother, and am totally not ashamed to admit I sent my 27 month old to daycare (on my OFF days, no less) in order to get some me time.

Usually I use that time to do running around, errands, housework, etc. - sometimes I literally just lay on the floor with a box of cookies and a book and stay there for 4 hours. I consider it all WELL worth it...

[K1329]

It actually sounds like your dh thought about what you said (silence) then came up with a "solution" (him going in late on Saturdays). I would take him up on it, then also add an afternoon a week, if that's what you're inclined to do. I agree with the pps - it's a battle worth fighting. I know I "fought" for an occasional girls night out with my friends and 6 years and 2 kids later, I'm glad I did. That time away really does make me a better, more relaxed parent. Better to battle it out now than down the road when you're totally burned and stressed out. JMO.

[prancie]

This is really your call to make, IMO. I am a huge advocate of SAHMing but every mom needs a break or we become bad mommies. And a few hours on Saturday morning doesn't always do it. (besides, that promise sounds empty to me) I don't know whether your husband is being an a$$, is really that insecure thinking you would go off and cheat on him, or just totally insensitive to how much you work. You need to have further conversations with him to determine exactly what his thinking is, then tell him that you HAVE to have a break and he has to deal with it. Your toddler is not going to be damaged by a few hours with a nanny you trust once or twice a week.

[mamamoon89]

I agree with other posters that you should go ahead and get child care since of course you need a break. An alternative to hiring a nanny might be finding another SAHM to watch your daughter one day (or even a half day) a week and in exchange you watch their child one day a week.

[zinemama]

See that thing there at the end of your leg? Your foot. Put it down. Firmly. Get yourself some childcare.

And then have a very serious discussion about what amount of time is reasonable for a man to spend with his children. Hint: it's not 15-20 minutes per day.

[blessedwithboys]

i'd tell your DH that he IS using childcare- YOU!