DH is deadset against ANY childcare help - need to vent! - Page 3

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by LemonPie

I'm a SAHM. When he's at work, the kids are my job. If I need childcare during the day I go ahead and arrange it and my DH trusts me to choose people who are responsible and safe with our kids. I don't have to ask his permission to line up a babysitter. Frankly, I'd just do what you need to do and if your DH pitches a fit about it, then he needs to examine his priorities.

And what the heck business is it of your ILs if you decide to hire someone to babysit your kids a couple of hours a week?

Tell him that you are doing YOUR job the way YOU see fit. You don't go into his office and rearrange his desk and schedule meetings for him. Perhaps he should fire his assistant--isn't that 'paid help' after all?

*slow clap*

[funnygrace]

I work full time and my dh does the majority of childcare. But gender roles being the way they are, I think our situation allows us to both understand how difficult being with a toddler can be. My job is not high pressure right now, so I can be with our ds from 9 to 5 on sat. and sun. and we hire an in-home babysitter for 10 hours during the week while one of us is home. This gives dh time he needs for other interests/projects. I am so grateful that ds can be at home with a parent that I try to do what dh needs for support. You need support too. I think sometimes about what our situation would be like if the roles were reversed--if he worked and I was with ds--and I don't think it would be quite as equitable because women are often expected to do this exhausting parenting job w/out much help.

[K-Mom3]

Originally Posted by MamaPhD

Mamas, thank you so much for your support - you guys rock!!!! I feel kinda bad for DH sometimes too, because he loves DD so much, but he just has lots of work (he's one of the directors for a pretty big company). When DD used to nap 2x, we had her stay up until 9-9:30 so she could play with dad at least 30 min before bedtime, but now we're doing 1 nap per day, and she is down by 8. So DH plays with DD in the morning before work for like 15-20 minutes. Usually he gets both Sat and Sun off, but lately company's going through some busy times.

I'm thinking about childcare swap with moms in our playgroup - that's such a smart idea, plus it doesn't have that hired help sound to it. I might even give it a try without telling DH, ha! Also thinking about joining a gym with childcare. I know DH is OK with that. I kinda get what DH is saying, being not comfy with hired help idea, too. But definitely this issue needs revisiting for sure!

Childcare swap sounds like a great solution! I've had good luck with that, if I can find someone who has similar needs to mine. I would STILL have dh take dd for a few hours on weekends, though. He's missing out on his child's life!

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I see what you are saying, but I guess a lot of us figure, she tried the talking route and that got her...precisely nowhere. She is a grown woman and he treated her like a child, very patronizing and it seems evident to me that she feels she needs his permission to make choices about how to manage the care of their child, yet he doesn't seem to be asking HER permission to devote weekends to his job, which directly affects the care of their child. His POV is hypocritcal at best.

Part of doing a good job as a mom, for many many women, is having time to oneself to regroup and recupe. It is not an optional part of the job, and hearing a partner suggest that it is frivilous, is insulting to many of us here. It is as essential to doing the job of SAHP just as lunch and coffee breaks are to doing a WOH job, not to mention the countless reflection and redirection sessions so popular in the corporate world. Can you imagiune how poorly a business would be run if the executives never had time built in their schedule to think, brainstorm, reflect and just breathe? If they had a chance to "put a pin in it" or "move it to the back burner for a bit"? If they never had executive days out and management retreats? They DO. They have to, and so do SAHPs! It's PART of the job!

So that may be why people are saying "Put your foot down." and "do it anyway" because he has broken the agreement of honoring the partnership when he decided on her behalf that a couple of hours early on a Saturday morning should suffice. That's not a partnership, that's a dictatorship, and I think the comments being made are suggesting she take back her share of the partnership through action.

Just my two cents.

That seems to be apples and oranges. I can take a coffee break with DD, which is the same as taking a coffee break-at work.

That's not the same as saying you want a particular spot on the calendar and you have to hire someone to get that spot.

I also don't agree with the subtle signs that point to other issues such as asking permission and being disrespected. But as I said in a PP, two wrongs don't make a right. He's acting like a child, so she should just ignore him and go do what she wants? He disrespects her, so she disrespects him. Tit for tat...the death dance of a relationship.


IF the OP is convinced that her husband will never respect her, never sit down and talk with her about this, never come to a mutually beneficial decision and never see her side, then there are way way bigger issues going on that knock this little scene into a "go see a counselor and consider separation" thread.