I really don't want to dtd. At least not w/ him...

[red and lulu]

... Which isn't necessarily to say I want to dtd with anyone else. But I feel absolutely zero desire to be intimate with dp. I don't even want to make out.

We've been here before-- I always think that maybe I'm just not a sexual person, but I don't really believe that. Because I want to want to have sex. I'm obsessing about this; I feel like we're just roommates, roommates with a baby. And that's totally ok for me-- I feel comfortable with that. But he doesn't, and I know that. It's been 14 months and he's getting really impatient. But the more impatient he gets the more turned off I am.

Is this still within the realm of normal post-partum sexual inertia (dd is 8 mo) or am I really just not into him?

I'm afraid I'm just not into him. I don't know what to do.

[Purple*Lotus]

Is everything else in the relationship okay?

I was replused by my STBX. Sometimes being intimate or the thought of it, made me want to vomit. But he was abusive to me, so I really think that is the cause of it. I had never had another boyfriend before so the thought is in my mind that there might be something wrong with me.

I have never had children so I am not sure about that causing the dip, maybe someone else has more info on that

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Was it relativley like this before? Or is it still new since the (Pregnancy) birth of your child? Are you still nursing?

These are all factors to consider. I am still trying to regain intimacy more frequently with my husband. Sometimes I can go weeks without "wanting" it, but yet I still have desires or "dreams". I still think about it, but the act just seems like to much work.

That is all I am going to say.

[Mirrormonkey]

It has been almost a year for us and yeah the thought of touching dh does not appeal. We rarely hug or kiss anymore either.

For us there was no sex while I was pregnant bc that made him uncomfortable and that hurt me a lot, now 8 weeks pp I have nothing left for him. Plus he makes no effort to take care of himself and that is really turning me off these days.

A good friend of mine who is a sex therapist said to use videos and cuddling to try to get that part of our relationship back. Apparently there are lots of couples who have this problem she does workshops on returning to intimacy after baby all the time and the classes are full!

[red and lulu]

It's been like this before. We've been very off and on the few years we've been together. I seem to only be able to be intimate in the first few weeks we're back on, and then I just stop. it's always been a serious issue-- he wants it all the time, I don't ever. I don't like to cuddle, I don't like making out. He wants me to be more affectionate and sexual, I want him to respect my personal space. I wish I wasn't like this.

We broke up when I was 6 months pregnant, and got back together when dd was about 5 months old. And even the decision to get back together, for me, was made with lukewarm feelings. I love him, and am committed to being a family, but I'm not passionatley in love with him. But I decided that if I had to choose b/n passion and my family, I'd choose my family. But he wants to dtd (a totally understandable and reasonable want), and I just can't get my head there. I can't see it-- I don't feel sexy, I don't find him sexy. I'm tired, nursing all the time, and really annoyed with him most all of the time. Part of me thinks, well if he'd stop asking me for sex and try to "set the mood" maybe I'd be into it.... but then I think about what setting the mood looks like and I come up empty. The whole idea just makes me uncomfortable. And the expectation that's just looming there makes me mildly resentful.

[Aeress]

It does sound like there is other stuff going on- intimacy takes a lot of energy and time to build up. It sounds like you are really just getting to know one another, plus adding in a new baby and I can understand why you wouldn't want to dtd. Trust, love, and intimacy are usually big factors for women. If women don't feel that those factors are part of their world, sex can be non-existent because it isn't just a physical act, it is an emotional act.

I think you need to look at the relationship as a whole and see what you feel might be lacking and then see if it leads to be feeling more intimate.

[journeymom]

Well, the lack of interest post new baby is really common. This dynamic you and your partner are in is pretty common. Frankly I think it's Mother Nature keeping you from getting pregnant too soon after a new baby. Very inconvenient, I think. But I certainly felt this way after each baby was born. I'd have been happy to never have sex again.

Nursing puts a damper on libido. Not only from the hormones that lactation produces, but just the fact that you're 'touched out'.

Originally Posted by red + lulu

We broke up when I was 6 months pregnant, and got back together when dd was about 5 months old.

Tell us what this was about. Why did you break up?

[red and lulu]

Originally Posted by journeymom

Tell us what this was about. Why did you break up?

I have to back up a bit to do so: 8 months after we first started dating, he cheated on me. We didn't break up immediately; I made it another 8 months. Then we broke up for a month, dated for a month, then broke up again. We didn't talk for almost 5 months. And admittedly I was really happy. Then we started hanging out again-- at that point I was in the process of planning to move to another state, so we began sleeping together casually. I was leaving, so there was no chance we'd get serious again. Or so I thought. Not even two weeks in, I got pregnant.

I decided to have the baby, and thought that getting back together was the right thing-- so we could be a family. We moved in together, and I just had a really hard time. All of our old issues were still there, compounded by the fact that I was pregnant. When I was about 5 months he proposed, and things went from bad to worse. I saw myself getting trapped in a relationship that made me unhappy, with someone who didn't seem to be able to *hear* meor respect my feelings. I was really depressed. And after my midwife finally called me out at a check-up and told me that the best thing for my baby was to have a mother who was ok, and if I wasn't ok with him than I shouldn't be with him. So I moved out. I decided it was better for our daughter to have two parents who weren't together but happy, than two parents who were together and miserable.

By the time she was born, we had become friends again and were committed to co-parenting. He made it clear that he wanted us to be together and I kept that in mind. We tried therapy, but after the second visit I felt like I was just getting angrier at him, having to sit in a room and listen to his wildly misconstrued accounts of how I reject his love and destroy him. He's big on the" it's not me, it's you." Zero accountability, huge victim complex, and very defensive (he has many, many wonderful traits as well)... I don't know, long story short, in December when dd was about 5 months old I decided I could try again: he seemed to be trying to be a better listener, and I really enjoyed our time all together. I felt like I was falling in love with him again. Now, almost four months later I'm still comfortable with my choice on a very practical level. But I still don't want to be physical with him... I keep hoping those feelings will come as our friendship grows stronger and we begin to remedy some of our dysfunctional dynamics, but they don't. Instead their absence has me second-guessing my choices, worried that I'm precluding him from the love he wants and deserves, and the love that may be possible for me, too. I keep saying "oh, all that passionate love and romance isn't sustainable. at least we've got a solid friendship." but that doesn't mean I don't crave passion and romance. Ykwim?

Sorry, that was a super long response! Thanks for "listening".

[eggsandpancakes]

I've been married 8 years, and it hasn't always been smooth. Hubby has his . . . "things" were he goes off in his head and goes a whole lot crazy (think blaming me for breaking my hand so he gets left in the waiting room with two kids while they are taking xrays). I would be more worried about you if you still wanted to have sex with a man that you don't like. Get everything else worked out, and the sex will come. We went about 3 years and maybe did it twice while the details of our relationship were getting ironed out.

[joyluc]

I had much the same story with my XDP except he drank and would let me down all the time. We were together and then we broke up and then we got back together and 4 months later I was pregnant. He expected that we would get married but I didn't want to which really hurt him. We were together through my pregnancy and birth but had a really bad time right after it and were apart for 2 months. Then he moved in but I was so mad at him all the time that I ended up breaking up with him when DS was 1 even though I didn't move out for months. During all that there wasn't much intimacy because I was so focused on DS and because I didn't feel it for my XDP. I thought I could be with him even though he wasn't the love of my life because I had had good relationships in the past but I was wrong.

[Galatea]

It sounds like this is not the relationship for you.

[Jaesun's Dad]

Roommates/friends having a baby together ... a little familiar. I'm a little on the other side of the same story, less the cheating part. Rather not spell out any more details but it's not easy. Sleeping in the same bed and not being intimate is hard. And it's only been four months that we haven't been intimate. I'm still attracted to her, and I do love her, and I think that's mutual. But we aren't soul mates. We learned to get along and we are both good parents, love our son and I we're trying to make it work. We are blessed, we believe our son chose us as his parents. He's an awesome kid and he loves both of us. I'm glad we're at least where we are right now. We respect each other. The last time we talked about marriage she said something like ".. I just can't imagine being with the same person for the rest of my life.." which hurts since that person is me. I guess in some ways though it works both ways, I've been treated with some unkindness too. That makes me question the relationship too, of course.

Right now she's still coming to terms with her postpartum body, getting things sorted our in her life. There's still some residual from past relationships and family that isn't trivial. Certainly not my fault, but it is in part my problem now. I'm patient and I'll put up with a hell of a lot to know I can still wake up and see my son in the morning. Thankfully we are doing really well on the "good friends" part, and we agree on almost everything to do with parenting. Hopefully we'll rekindle the fire in time, at least the pilot light is still on ...

Get everything else worked out, and the sex will come. We went about 3 years and maybe did it twice while the details of our relationship were getting ironed out.

I think that's what we're trying for, too. I think intimacy in part is still being held back by the postpartum mood/physical changes/pain ... it was only the end of January that our baby was born. But I think we're both still very much trying to try ... all I can ask for now, and a long, long, long way (good way) from where we were last summer.

I may have hijacked this a little too much but this is really what rings familiar:

I love him, and am committed to being a family, but I'm not passionatley in love with him.

I guess that's where both of us are at in ours. I think it can work, for us. I'm sure trying, and she is too. One thing both of us are doing a lot more is learning when we're wrong and learning to say we're sorry. "I'm sorry" is both easy and hard to say, but saying it when it should be said is crucial. I hope if you both want it, it does work for you. Certainly don't stay in an abusive relationship, but it sounds like you do want it to work.

A good friend of mine once told me this nugget of wisdom:

You can be right, or you can be happy.

[Baby_Cakes]

Without knowing you, but just knowing your story (what you put here) it sounds like you're settling. You love this person, you know he's a good person, a good father (??) so it makes practical sense, but you aren't head over heels in love with him. The romantic side might not be there.
I don't believe that means it never can be. But I do think getting there will take a work.
That said, my DH and I have VERY different sex drives. I can go a few weeks w/o really wanting it and not thinking about having sex, whereas if a week goes by he gets really antsy and bitchy. I'm vanilla and he's rocky road. I do find that the more we do it, the more I want it -- and after a dry spell, I feel like I don't need it at all. It helps to talk about it and keep it out in the open, and for me to let him know I realize it's been awhile, and for him to realize it's not about him at all, it's just me. Maybe that's what's going on w/you guys too?

[Katie T]

It could be from breastfeeding or just from the non stop child care. I know that there are nights when I don't feel like I have the energy for it.

Have you gotten any alone time with your DH? Sometimes that can help, a relaxing dinner or something.

Hope things get better for you.

[brittneyscott]

A lot of people go through this kind of thing. Postpartum and nursing can definitely change the sex drive. I know I didn't "want" it for months after having DS because of being "touched out" from nursing. I also was worried about getting pregnant again and that kept me from wanting it. That said we have had other times where I didn't want it. After reading your situation I can see how you wouldn't want him but it can be fixed if you really want it to. Understanding your sex drive and wants is the best place to start. Like baby cakes said dry spells can make a difference. I'm the same way. The more we do it the more I want it but let me go without it and I don't seem to miss it and won't want it when offered. DH and I have had issues quite a few times in the last 7 yrs over sex and intimacy and I have to say it seems to be a slightly different problem each time and we still manage to work it out. Just pm me if you want to talk more and I'll explain. Maybe it'll help you but regardless I hope you work it all out.

[Pirogi]

Originally Posted by red + lulu

We tried therapy, but after the second visit I felt like I was just getting angrier at him, having to sit in a room and listen to his wildly misconstrued accounts of how I reject his love and destroy him.

This stood out to me. If there are unresolved issues related to past hurts, I would imagine it would be difficult to feel emotionally safe with him, and by extension it would be reasonable that your sex life is suffering. I don't know your whole situation of course, but I would wager that lack of sex is a manifestation of other problems, not the problem itself. Your midwife was right before, and she is still right. You and your husband need to find a way to work out your past issues. If you can't, then maybe co-parenting outside of a marriage relationship is a better choice. I grew up in a home where my mother didn't like my father and would tell me things like, "When all my children are grown, I am going to divorce your dad." This deeply affected me as a child with fear, insecurity, guilt (I was the only reason she would continue to suffer in the marriage), and anxiety. It still affects my sense of security within my own marriage. Your son deserves two happy parents. If you can't be happy together, then maybe being apart is best.

[kcstar]

I've been married for more than ten years. I married while I was still an undergrad, so we limited DTD to avoid pregnancy for several years.

After DS was born, it took me about a year to be interested in even trying to DTD once in a while. DS is approaching 3 and we can still go weeks or months without DTD. So feeling the way you do is not abnormal even with someone you do love dearly.

OTOH, it sounds to me like the relationship is not right for you right now. I don't know whether this is something therapy could work out or not.

[RedOakMomma]

Did you call him out in therapy? Giving it two sessions really isn't enough, and it needs to be a space that's safe for you...if he's saying things that are exaggerated or untrue, that's the perfect place for you to chime in and give your perspective.

Therapy wasn't really effective for us until it moved from a "dp complaint session" to a "wait a minute, I'm not happy either!" session. And even then, it was 6 months of pretty intense therapy, lots of lows, and totally deconstructing our old relationship while trying to build a new one. Not easy. (We were doing it when our ds3 was a newborn/baby, too...so s on that one.)

I don't think you can have true intimacy, emotional or sexual, while there are trust issues or therapy-requiring issues at play. It's not just breastfeeding, or a lack of desire...it seems like there's a lack of desire to partner with him, too.

Do you want to work this out with him? Or would you rather pursue a different life?

[happysmileylady]

Have you guys ever tried anything romatic? Reading your posts, it doesn't sound like there's ever been much romance in the relationship. 'We started sleeping together casually,' 'We got back together to be a family for the baby,' 'We became friends and were committed to co parenting.' And then you also mentioned that he never "sets the mood" just asks for sex. To me, all of that just screams lack of romance.

So, I am going to suggest that you try to add a little romance. Start with something small. Maybe buy a single rose and write a note telling him what you love about him (he's a great dad, you love that he takes out the trash without asking etc.) Then set it in his car so he finds it when he heads out to work in the morning. Or, now that the weather is nice, maybe find a sitter, a nice somewhat seculded place in a park and pack a nice and romatic picnic. By romantic I mean pack some stuff you can feed each other, like strawberries and dipping chocolate, and also some nice wine or champaign. Or a nice hotel room for couples like a fantasy suite thing or one of those places where they have a pool in the room. If you check out the relationship section of the book store, there are plenty of books with ideas for being romantic. And perhaps if you try to do a few romantic things, he will follow suit.