Siblings hurting each other?

[tanyam926]

Hi wise mamas, I need some guidance about what to do w/my boys when they are hitting each other.

It happens about once a day or once every other day, they are arguing, it escalates (sometimes I am not in the rm, but if I am I am trying to diffuse the situation and help them come up w/a solution), but they are quick sometimes. They are 7 and 4 1/2 and it's usually the 4 1/2 yr old who hits his older brother first, then older brother will hit back. They ea do their share of hitting first though.

For some reason I am able to keep my cool in every other situation but when they hurt ea other I just feel so angry at them. That's when I end up yelling (not every time but at least once/wk). I don't want to handle it that way.

The way I handle it now is to seperate them and tell them why hitting is not the best way to handle conflict. I let them know in no uncertain terms that they do not have the right to put their hands on ea other. No way is it acceptable.

I think my anger boils up bc of my own childhood where my siblings and I were spanked, yelled at, and hit w/other things besides hands. It wasn't frequently but my parents (bc of their own VERY abusive childhoods) sometimes lost it w/us. Since childhood I vowed never to hurt my own children but I feel that even my yelling, even once a wk is too out of control for my liking, especially for ds1 who is really sensitive and gets really sad.

I have always apologized to my kids when I make any kind of mistake, and we always hug and kiss and talk things over but I need a game plan for when they are hitting ea other so that it doesn't escalate to me getting so angry.

Can you point me to some reading material for this issue or give me some ideas? BTW, my boys are not violent w/ea other or anyone else, I feel that it is normal sibling frustration going on and they have never caused bruises, bumps, etc before.

TIA!

[coffeegirl]

My first idea after reading this was what you already said you do...separate them. And then, since your anger at the situation is bothering you, maybe you could then separate yourself in a way? Go into the other room for a few seconds of focused breathing, for instance. Or, maybe just the old tried and true "stop, breathe, think, count to 10..." approach might work for you as well.

[AmyKT]

My brother and I physically fought a lot as children, and although I never got into any physical fights with my friends, we were very physical in our play. Even now, I sometimes need to take out my aggressions with my body. Not at anybody, but at some inanimate object. Some people (especially young boys?) just really need a physical release when they are frustrated, so what if you give them an alternative? Maybe you could show them how to punch a pillow when angry, or something else like that? I think it is very important to talk to them about why it is wrong to hit people (or animals), but maybe they also need a way to acknowledge and the honor the physical need in a safe way. And then also learning how to talk about the anger and what led up to it is important.

I understand that the anger and violence are triggers for you, so it may be hard for you to accept open displays of anger.

There's a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I've not read it, but I've read the companion book called Dance of Intimacy, and I felt it was very insightful.