How to prepare kids for first visit?

[Avani]

So my kids have their first unsupervised visit with their father and it is for 9 days. They haven't seen him in 4 months and his previous visits were only for 4 hours once every two weeks. As soon as the court hearings ended he stopped visiting. But he was granted all of spring break and he has decided to come and get them for that. So my 3 and 5 year old don't know their dad at all. They didn't do well at the previous supervised visits, they have never been away from me and they are freaking out about this visit. They are not understanding that they won't be able to see me or come home to sleep. I'm trying to tell them it won't be for long and they will have fun and i will be home waiting for them but it isn't working. They are scared. Their dad is taking them 1200 miles away to his home and he is driving it with them. So a roadtrip that will take up 4 out of the 9 days. I don't trust their dad for anything and he lives with his parents who are all convicted drug felons and his grandpa was convicted of kidnapping a special needs child and raping them. These are the people who are in the care of the children. So how can i prepare them? Help them in a positive way to accept the circumstances and to help them realize i am not forcing them to go but have no other choice? How can i request to my 9 year old son to really understand he needs to protect and comfort the little kids because their dad has proven to not be able to watch or take care of the kids? I wonder how this will affect them after also. Any insight is appreciated.

[Super~Single~Mama]

no advice. I'm sorry your babies have to go through this

I hope he doesn't show up. Ask your lawyer if you have to hand them over if he's late (comes a day or 2 days late).

How are your kids going to get home? 1200 miles? Is he driving both ways??

[Halfasianmomma]

oh my god mama, that's terrifying. I totally feel for you.

Since your older is 9, could you perhaps buy him a prepaid phone card and show him how to use it on a public phone? Better yet...you could get him one of those children's phone and call them regularly to check up on them...

ugh, is your ex remotely receptive to facilitating contact between you and your children during this visit? Does he understand how frightened they are or does he just not care? Perhaps if you explained where things stand, you could agree that there will be a few daily calls to reassure the children...

I'm just throwing random ideas out there...

[JunipersMom]

Can your attorney do something? This just sounds wrong on so many levels.

[Avani]

Honestly i think we did everything we could, at least with a probono attorney. there were no visits for 3 years so i guess it was bound to happen. How my ex even got unsupervised visits is amazing. He broke all the court orders and continues to do so. If i could pay an attorney i could probably get some things shifted but that isn't possible for me right now. At the very least contempt for no child support & not attending the 52 week batterer's program. I really don't know what else we can do because the judge has seen the whole case, i have a restraining order and he still gave all of spring break unsupervised.

I did buy the kids a separate phone so hopefully he allows them to use it. There haven't been any visitations yet so i don't know if he will let them use it.

[Laggie]

Wow. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. And sorry that I don't have any advice. A court order like that is just... weird.

[vocalise]

Well, it sounds like you're already doing a lot to prepare them, but it's still a horrible situation to be sending them into. I think I would contact CPS in both your state and his and tell them everything that has happened so far and is supposed to happen during the visit, and all your concerns.

In addition to the phone calls, you might want to send along a photo album with pics of you and the kids.

It's unfathomable how this could have been ordered.

[coryy]

If you have a restraining order, how is he going to pick up the kids? can you call the police to be there to keep you safe (explain that you have a restraining order and that this visitation is breaking it)? Can you contact a battered women's shelter? they might have a better attorney ? I am simply throwing out ideas, I cannot imagine a judge ordering this. I am in shock. I agree with the poster who said to call CPS. What county is the judge who ordered the visitation in, yours or his? What state? When is he due to show up?

omg. I just let my kids go to their dad's 3 miles away and i'm sick to my stomach. 1200 miles must feel horrible.

[MissLotus]

I never cease to be baffled by your dud of a judge. At the very least, your kids will be together. I would stress that, and it's true that they'll have that familiarity no matter what - also it's really good that you have an older kid. It's not fair that he has to be so responsible, but still. My son is 8 and I believe would understand that the littler ones may need to be reminded that Mama will see them soon. I would also put a zillion notes in their suitcases, reminders every five seconds that you are there and will continue to be there! Are there any provisions in this agreement for you to have phone contact? I would call anyway, at least they might hear the messages.

Also, and I'm sure you already know this, it's important that they don't sense your worry. It's an "adventure" and you can't wait to hear about the fun they'll have! I know, I know, but hey, if it helps their frame of mind...

Also, maybe once ex sees that 4 days of driving (!) is not any fun, I bet he won't want to repeat the experience. It sounds like he's just flexing some muscle; hopefully once he does that, he'll go away.

[Avani]

Everything was ordered where he lives. I just found out he is taking us in ex parte tomorrow because my lawyer informed him i would not be giving him my carseats. He filed exparte because as he told my lawyer " he will make the judge order me to hand over my carseats." My lawyer told me i don't have to and their are no provisions for it. But she said to look good for the judge i need to. I have my seats professionally installed and having to pull them out for him is ridiculous. He isnt paying child support so doesn't he at least have the money for carseats? This is where abuse of power comes in. Feeling like he has the right to pull me in and out of court for any stupid reason. Unbelievable. He also said i conveyed a message through our 9 year old that he could only have the 3 year old for half the visit?! I never said that. Thanks for all the advice. I have to admit i worry about what he will take from their visit and use against me in court. He used to videotape me and force me to say things like i wanted to kill myself so he could use it against me when we were together. What will he do with the kids? I know i'm a good parent and the only one who has been raising them but this man is very ill and can cause great harm if he chooses.

I would have CPS check on them but i believe that would be a big strike against me with the judge. In my restraining order it says i have to have peaceful contact during visitation exchanges. I do not go near him and exchanges are at the police station.

[momof4peppers]

For younger kids, the book The Kissing Hand was really helpful. then if the 'I miss you's' start with tears, you can remind them of the book.

I would also give all of the kids notebooks and colored pencils/crayons/markers (whatever you're comfortable with) and ask them to write (or draw) what they do every day, like a travel journal. What they saw (a pretty sunset, the ocean, lots of trees). "A travel journal will help you remember the stories when you come home!" (said with as much enthusiasm as you can muster). You might give your 9 year old a disposable camera to snap pics of them all throughout the trip. Maybe a map of where you are and where they're going, and work on it together to point out things of interest for them (maybe find the call numbers of their favorite radio stations along the way?) Whatever your kids are into, tie it into their trip.

The first time my 5 year old was away, they called the first night, I was all excited "HI HONEY!! HOW ARE YOU???" and she burst into tears. Was apparently inconsolable until she cried herself to sleep. :cry But the next morning she was ok. Didn't really want to talk to me on the phone the rest of the trip, which was hard on ME, but ultimately it was about making sure she was ok.

You might teach all of your children to call 911 if at any point they are uncomfortable. I'm trying to remember the exact advice given by Gavin deBecker. Basically empower your children to trust their gut if something is wrong. Which they should know regardless of where they are or who they are with! And if THEY feel the need to call 911, it's not like YOU did, KWIM?

As for the carseats, check with your local fire department or police department. I know some will give carseats to those that don't have them (like your UAV).

There is a special circle of he** for judges like yours. Praying for you and your dear children. Add me to the chorus of 'can't believe you're going through this'.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Since your ex is so abusive, may I suggest that you get your kids into counseling asap when they get back? Better if they already know a counselor and are familiar with them.

I only suggest this b/c if there is abuse while they are away (god forbid - I really hope your ex is good to them!!) it won't be only you telling the judge about it. I know your older son would be able to testify, but might be too scared to.

I really hope your kids are ok

[provocativa]

Probably you haven't the funds, but you can get digital voice recorders that are voice-activated, and store 500 hours of recordings. I would hide one somewhere in their stuff.
I don't know who you complain to about a judge, but yours needs a serious review.

[Avani]

Good to know, i"ll go check that out.

[betterparent]

You can get in huge trouble for recording things without him knowing and it won't be admissable anywhere, I would stay away from that!

Here is to hoping he does not show!

[Avani]

Yes that is true but per my restraining order i can record all communications due to the abuse. So maybe it would be ok.

[provocativa]

In my state it is legal to record conversations, as long as one party is aware of it is admissable (is that the proper word?) in court. Don't know if that would swing in court if the one party was a 9 year old who sequestered a recording device in a toy, because he wanted to record his trip for an audio journal and talk it over later with his mom. At any rate, teach him to call you with that phone any time the dad is being an asshat to them, and you record those calls.

I would worry more about my kids and not the law. I would want to know how serious the abuse they go through is, because this seems like a nightmare for them.

[Avani]

agreed. in my state it is not lawful to record without both parties permission unless it is for the purpose of proving a criminal act is occuring (i.e. kidnapping, extortion etc). If i had to get in trouble for proving the kids are being abused then so be it.

[blessingscome]

Teach 911 to all the kids. See if you library has kids books about it. Teach it so that the lesson includes situations that they might call 911 at your house too. And tell them that they always have permission to use any phone they can find to call 911 if they need to.

[Avani]

Thank you for the suggestion.

Today when i dropped the kids off at school the kids teachers said they received emails from my ex stating he would be coming to spend the day at school with them today. The court order states his visitation starts on Saturday at 8am. My lawyer went over this with him, he has a copy of the order and he still thinks he can show up at the school and spend the day with them? He hasn't seen them in 4 months and he doesn't think it might disrupt their day to be at their school, or perhaps he might be violating a court order and restraining order for that matter. I had to give copies of the order to the principal and she said she would call the police if he shows. Geez i just don't feel safe in my town when he is here. He feels justified to do whatever he wants and continuosly breaks court orders and the judge basically rewards him by giving him unsupervised visits.