16 month old potty pause

[Shanny2032]

My dd has been using the potty with varying degrees of success since around 12 months. We saw big improvement around 14 months and then coasted along at about 50% potty trained until last week when she decided she was done. She would bring me the potty when she needed to go (ikea ones), always go when I sat her etc. She was doing fantastic, even used big potties in public restrooms - which was huge for this lil thing. Today, and somewhat yesterday, she decides she will arch her back and refuse when I try to sit her down or run away if I ask. She peed in he car after refusing to go at the mall so I had to put a cloth diaper on her as I was out of fresh panties. We are standing in the school where I pick up the little girl I nanny for and she poops. I can't remember the last time she pooped in a diaper! Anyway, I am not pushing her and am guesing this is normal. She's very independent and more so these last few days. Anyone with similar expereince?

[lisavark]

Yep. No ideas, just commiseration. I just posted a thread about the same thing with my just-turned-two year old. I've heard a lot about this happening just before a new stage of graduation. Sigh.

[claddaghmom]

Same here! Toddlerhood I suppose. We were so close to being completely diaper free, too. I even had "panties" written on the shopping list b/c I was sure she was ready.

My "baby" STTN, tolerated a wide variety of yummy foods, used sign language, loved ECing, etc. My "toddler" is a newborn. She had jarred baby food for the first time last week. She wanted it. Hates the toilet. She will sit on the toilet ONLY if she is wearing a diaper.



But I am going to be laid back about it, you know? I don't want her to draw any emotional negativity from it. If she's not comfortable with it, then I support her. I mean, she's 16 months old! The mamas around me potty train closer to 3 years!

So I think I'm going to hang out in limbo with gdiapers. I am NOT into buying millions of sposies. I know gidpes aren't the coolest of the cool for CDing but I think they will work for what we need right now.

[podalyria]

Oh toddlers are funny little things! I also have a 16month old who will only answer the 'do you want to wee?' question with a stern 'no' or a silence which I take for yes but is more often than not met with back-arching once we get to the toilet. I take it as part of normal development and trying to assert independence. Saying no to things is so much fun!

Our answer to the problem is to take his shorts off and let him run around outside when we think he needs to go and avoid taking him to the loo.

[Carlyle]

So a while back, a friend from on here and I were having a great pm conversation about what it looks like to "let the baby take charge" and I wrote a (REALLY long-winded) message to her that might help some of you (IF, like my dd, your dc's pause is about wanting more control). I saved it for myself so that I can remember how I got through this with dd! I hope it's okay to post our conversation verbatim...I took her name off in case she minds, but hopefully she can chime in with some good advice of her own at this point! Take it with a grain of salt, I'm no expert, but hopefully you can adapt some of this rambling to your situations...

What does it look like to let the babe take charge?

In my opinion, (and in my experience as an overly type A mom) it was about letting go of the attachment to getting the pee in the potty. Because ultimately if you always take charge of getting her to the potty in time, she will never have to learn how to do it herself, right? This is all part of the big "process" of ec, and of supporting our lo in their learning process, you know? It was hard for me to let go of the "catch," and let my daughter have enough misses that she was able to learn it for herself.

My dd was never a big "signaller" (or I wasn't very good at picking up on them), and she didn't start signing until she was over a year (if I remember right...it's all a bit hazy now ). So it was a big jump to go from ME initiating the potty all the time to HER telling me that she needed to go.

So do I just tell her that I'm not going to offer the potty and she needs to tell me when she wants to go? And go nakey or with diaper back up or what? She poops on the floor, this is becoming a problem. Actually, today I discovered that she doesn't like pooping in her eca-pants.

Yes. Tell her that it's up to her to ask you for help when she wants to go (if you want to try that--I think it's a good step). And depending on how much your dd understands, you can be honest with her about how it's hard for you to let go, but that you really know that she wants to be in charge of her own body.

I'd use diaper backup to help keep yourself sane, but I'm like the diaper backup pusher :P. That way, SHE is in charge of communicating whether she wants something done with regard to the potty--whether that's telling you that she needs to go, or telling you that she needs to be changed.

At this age, she gets it. She does. And she can tell you if she decides she cares, right? So you have to trust that she will tell you, and that she will care! Easier said than done in my opinion.

My rule for a while was that I would try to ask as infrequently as I could stand it, but that if it had been an hour or two I was allowed to ask ONCE. If she said "no" I had to shut up and respect it (even if it meant she peed 2 seconds later by power of suggestion). It's OKAY for her to pee in the diaper (repeat it to yourself until you believe it). It's about COMMUNICATION (repeat 'till you believe ). Just make sure she knows that you're there to help her when she's ready.

I'm sure you've read me say this in other threads, but get your "line" ready, so that what comes out of your mouth is "oops, you peed in the diaper/on the floor/in the cats water bowl...that caught you by surprise, didn't it! That's okay, you can try to get it in the potty again next time." instead of "ACK! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! YUCKYUCKYUCKYUCK UGGGGGHHHH!" (I, of course, have NEVER said such a thing. Really. :sheepish: Do you believe me? ) It's easier to not react (or at least keep it to a quick sigh) when you already know what you're going to say.

This morning I asked her if she needed to go, she pointed to the potty and said "ba" and seemed agreeable to being placed on the potty. She arched and refused three different potties. I got so frustrated! I lost my cool! Not too long after that she pooped in her diaper while looking me in the eye. Can't say as I blame her, I wasn't very nice.

See, your dd sounds like my dd. She got it, she (mostly) knew when she needed to go, but she resented my being in charge (I remember in middle school waiting until my parents went to bed to do my homework so that my mom wouldn't know that I was doing it...because I resented her nagging me about it so much...is this coming back to bite me in the butt??? You betcha...*sigh*). It seems like that's what your dd's telling you..."don't tell ME when and where to poop. I'll do it when *I* want to." But I could be projecting a bit

And this is where your zen repetition of your "line" comes in. Offer once. If she refuses "okay, I'll wait until you tell me you need to go." If (when) she misses, repeat your "line"..."oops, you peed...."

At this age, I wouldn't bother with offering different potties. I'm guessing that at this age, she's mobile enough that she can get to another potty and "call" you to help her if that's what's really important (of course, I could be totally wrong about all of this! Geez I'm spouting off here)

Anyway, her after nap pee turned into another potty refusal, we went outside and she didn't want to be set down, so she ended up peeing on me. (Before today, she'd always go outside if we went outside.) The next pee, she was on my lap naked while I was going potty and I was literally showered in her pee. I was mostly naked from the previous pee. (Took a shower right after that!)

And this stuff will still happen, and it will still drive you insane. But the more you can hide your pee/poop-fueled insanity from dd, and forgive yourselves both for the "misses," the happier you will both be!

So yeah. I just checked how old your dd is, and she's still young too...I don't remember when I was able to start backing off with Nell, but I think it was closer to 2. But it does sound like it would help you guys anyway.

And I just read your other pm saying she is teething! HAH! Okay, you can ignore everything I just said and blame it on teething too. It's so hard to remember how MUCH they're going through at that age. Egads, they're learning frieking EVERYTHING (walking, talking, eating, sleeping, teething, growing, YIKES). I'd be cranky and distracted about pee/poop too.

So get your "lines" ready (for yourself "pee and poop in the diaper is okay" and for her "oops, you peed...." and take it easy on yourself. Nell didn't really start initiating on her own until ... ??? 1.5??? 2??? Jeez, it's a blur. I finally started using the words "potty trained" (yes, yes, I know it's not about potty training, but I want people to understand me without having to go on and on) when she was a few months over 2 years old.

Another thing that helped us was to tell the woman taking care of Nell 2x/week that she was fighting wearing her diaper. It was a struggle to get them on her before going to daycare. Kim said she was willing to try letting Nell initiate using the potty, and we told Nell that we'd try it for a couples of days and she wouldn't have to wear a diaper at Kim's if she could use the potty. Presto...big leap forward.

Another thing that helped was that my mom bought Nell a pack of underwear. She loved them and didn't want them to get peed on. Maybe you can use your ecapants that way?

Yikes. Sorry this is so long. I'm up at 1:30 am and can't sleep, so you're getting the long-winded/rambly version

GOOD LUCK!!!
Carlyle

[Shanny2032]

I am happy to report that dd's potty pause was very short lived (not that it won't happen again any day now). She is back to telling me when she has to go, BUT she is not happy about being required to sit when she has not initiated it. It's been a lot easier to let it go because I have discovered that she really knows (9 times out of 10 anyway) when she doesn't have to go. She is also going a lot longer in between needing to go so we are finding a new happy place for both of us. Other than nap and night time I haven't used a diaper in days and it's been great!

[hrsmom]

I'm glad you posted that, Carlyle! It was so helpful when I read it the first time!

And yeah, those pauses and strikes are totally normal! We finally got over our really really long potty strike, and just had a mini-one in celebration of her 2 year birthday! (She's teething molars, I think that might have something to do with it!) The thing with my dd is that she holds it FOREVER, so even during a pause, there aren't that many misses!!! I'm glad you're not in a super long pause, OP!!

[babywearer_anon]

Thanks Carlyle for posting this. Its good to be reminded about EC from a baby's perspective --- of course they want to be in control! makes sense.