Talk to me about normal vs. abnormal rage

[staceychev]

I'm kind of at my wits end (2 weeks postpartum emotional rollercoaster doesn't help...). My 4.5 year old DD is driving me insane with her rage. Today, there were two tantrums. Honestly, I can't even recall what set off the first, but the second was because I asked her to continue trying on hand-me-down clothes. Found out after the fact that she was tired of trying on clothes, but she wasn't able to communicate that with me. Instead, she told me she didn't want to be my kid anymore, she thought I was ugly... then, she started hitting me and kicking me and throwing things at me. I lost it and will shamefully admit that I smacked her across the bottom... not that that did anything to help, of course...

This is the typical pattern. Something small and seemingly inconsequential will set her off. She'll scream and yell and hit me and throw things at me. She'll trash whatever room she happens to be in. Today, she threw one of those stick ponies at me and then tossed my laundry baskets of folded clothes across my bedroom. The other day, she emptied the bookshelves in the family room, threw the trashcan across the kitchen, and then went upstairs and got her wastebasket to throw at me.

Time-outs don't work. She follows me around to continue the abuse. The other day it was so bad that I actually thought about taking the baby and going to sit in the car to get away from her. Time-ins don't work either. Taking away privileges doesn't work--seems to put her more into a rage.

FWIW, there is a new baby in the family, and the rage has gotten worse since she arrived, but it was there before as well.

So, tempers run in the family on her father's side, but honestly, I can't live like this. I'm afraid she's going to hurt her sister...

So, where do I draw the line between "This is normal and developmentally appropriate" and "There's something going on here... she needs to see someone or needs to be evaluated..."???? We do have Aspergers in the family (SIL's son), but in talking with SIL, there are some major differences--namely that she doesn't rage everywhere--just at me and DH, and she is very socially adept.

[madskye]

How about sugar? It's harder and harder to keep track of how much sugar they ingest as they get to pre-school age, and for my DD, sugar can turn her into a mini-tyrant.

DD will be 5 next month, and in the Fall she was having so many AWFUL tantrums that I was on the verge of a breakdown. I would describe her old tantrums as "apoplectic"--they were totally out of control. I cracked down on juiceboxes, yogurts, extra treats and upped her protein and water (she likes it in a fancy plastic wine glass) and that seemed to make a big difference. She didn't eat a ton of candy or cookies or sweets--but all the typical "kid" fare is just chock full of sugar --even the organic choices--and can really mess with their ability to stay eventempered. Little Sugar Addicts is a good book, if you want to read more about what sugar does to kids and how to cut it out of your routine.

Maybe you're already low-sugar though. Or it was a giant coincidence and she outgrew it. Congratulations on your new baby, it's probably a big adjustment for your DD as well.

[staceychev]

Sugar is definitely a possibility. Thank you for the book recommendation--I'm going to check it out.

Apoplectic is a good word to describe it. Good to know I'm not the only one suffering this...

[eepster]

Something doesn't have to be abnormal for you to seek help with it. It's ok to get help dealing with perfectly normal problems. Go ahead and seek out some counselling.

[madskye]

Another thing I forgot to mention, is allergy medications, like Claritin, can act like "speed" to a tiny person.

[staceychev]

Originally Posted by madskye

Another thing I forgot to mention, is allergy medications, like Claritin, can act like "speed" to a tiny person.

Thanks... she's def. not on any meds though. Makes sense--it's like speed to me, too!

[MoonStarFalling]

We have something similar with DS. He gets so extremely upset. We're doing a gluten free diet now to see if we can track down a food allergy. I also think it might be low blood sugar (sugar crashing I call it). I'm going to take him to the chiropractor as well. Chiro really helped my DD when she was having problems.

[AbbieB]

My DD was exactly like this at the same age. The tantrum stated around 3.5, peaked at 4 (and baby brother was born) then tapered off around 5.

I have found that food is a huge trigger. DD is spirited to begin with. If she has to much "junk" than she just looses it. Basically anything that is not a whole food feeds into her inability to remain in control of herself. As she has gotten older she is able to handle more but there is definitely a threshold of tolerance that seems to be cumulative. I have to look at her diet for the last week to make decisions about how much she can handle now.

It works out that she can usually handle about one serving of a triggering food (so a handful of Doritos, 4 or 5 Hersey kisses, 2 juice boxes of apple juice, one Popsicle, one day of stealing sips of soda when mom and dad are not looking, I think you get my drift here). If she over does it she needs to be junk free the next day to allow her body to process out what ever it is.

Needless to say we eat a lot of fruit and veggies for snacks around here and the kids drink a lot of water. It keeps everyone as calm as any 2 and 6 year old can be.

[shayinme]

I agree with others that you may want to look at her diet. I have a 4.5 yo dd and a few months I was about to lose my mind. She was fine at school but at home she would turn into something really unmanagable. For the longest time I tried to poo poo the link with food since I never had those issues with my eldest who is 18.

Well a couple of months ago, we cracked down on her diet and the difference has been night and day. Its been a while since we have seen that behaviot that had me thinking she has issues. She still is allowed an occasional treat but its not an every day thing and when she has one its back to the strict no junk diet the next day.

Hugs to you..its hard.

[averlee]

I really hope that reducing sugar does help. And maybe I'm talking out my rear- I don't know what is "normal" but violence is not acceptable. If she threw a trashcan at you, if it hit your head right it could knock you out, and if it hit you on the temple it could kill you. I know that's a bit dramatic, but if you were seriously injured while caring for 2 small children, that could be a catastrophe. Also, if she were to cause you a lasting injury- putting out your eye, for example- that would be an awful thing to live with, for your whole family. You can not allow her to harm you. I think you should look into both behavioral therapy and Parent Child Interaction Therapy- a good child psychologist would be a good place to start.