Hi there, I am new to this site, but after reading a few of the posts on this forum maybe someone will be able to help. Apologies if I have posted on the wrong forum, as my son has not been diagnosed, but after reading others posts (especially of children with AS) i have recognised my son in them. How and when were your children diagnosed? Also apologies for the length of post, but feel people need a little background to our situation.
I am a single mother of two lovely boys one aged 14 1/2 yrs and the other 12yrs, we live in the uk.
I was a single parent of my eldest son when I met the father of my youngest. We married when my youngest son was 5mnths old, we divorced when he was 14 mnths old. We divorced due to my ex-husband's violence towards me. A lot of the violence was witnessed by my youngest and heard by my eldest.
My youngest son was born by ceasarian section and we had a few bonding issues. I also think I suffered with Post Natal Depression, but this was not diagnosed, as I didn't realise I was depressed - thought it was just a different experience from my other son's birth which wasn't c-section. My eldest son was a very easy baby, didn't know I had him and always used to joke that I wouldn't be as lucky the next time - wish I'd never said that! DS #2 was SO different, and I put this down to the fact that they had different fathers. I knew from when he was very young (a couple of months) that he had a real temper on him! His face used to go a puce pink and his body would shake, when he was, I can only call it angry - he was neither hungry or tired, just looked angry. He would not breast feed - i struggled for a couple of months but he was not putting on weight so I switched to the bottle, which he took begrudgingly. My other son I breast-fed until he got teeth! DS#2 would go rigid when I tried to change him at night, and scream and wriggle so much that at times I had to leave him in a soiled nappy. As he got older, the issues became worse.
I had to work, as my ex couldn't hold a job down, from when my youngest was 3 months old, and my ex used to look after both my sons. When we split up, for a little while he continued with the childcare of them both, he then decided he could no longer look after my eldest, whom i put into childcare, then a little while longer he decided he couldn't look after his son. Luckily the childminder had space for another child, so I thought everything would be ok.
At the age of about 2 1/2 to 3 DS#2 started to bite other children - babies too. He seemed to get really angry and frustrated when there were a lot of children and noise. At this time, I had real issues with his eating, he was extremely fussy and he also was very late with potty training. When he started nursery he was out of nappies during the day, but used to wet himself regularly. At this age his temper tantrums were extreme to say the least. When he was a reception class I managed to get the school and my doctor to refer me to the educational psychologist. We went to a meeting, but I was informed that he was too young to diagnose - the emphasis seemed to be more on me and how I was coping - with the aftermath of the abusive relationship with his father and my resulting depression. They seemed to think that I was coping well, a loving and caring mother - no problems.
I lost my job, and my house and we had to move into rented accommodation when DS#2 was around 5 or 6yrs old. This is when things really kicked off. Every day, everything was a batttle. From the moment he woke, getting him dressed (socks and shoes would be thrown as the seams in the socks hurt), breakfast would be chosen, but when I gave it to him it wasn't right, milk too cold, so I would heat the milk then he wouldn't want hot milk, so the breakfast bowl would normally be thrown across the room, along with anything else he could lay his hands on. I tried the naughty step, counting to three, and I'm not proud to say, but even spanking. That I quickly realised didn't work, because he would hit me back. Along with calling me names a 6yr old shouldn't know. Luckily I managed to rent a 3 bedroom house, so that he and his brother could have separate rooms. I stopped counting the times he trashed his room, and counting the holes punched or kicked in the wall.
Things went from bad to worse, and my eldest son, who is quite placid by nature, suffered quite badly with the aggression from his younger brother. He wouldn't fight back and one day I walked into the room to discover my youngest son stamping on my eldest's head. So whenever they started to fight I tried to intervene, and then DS#2 turned on me. At this point I contacted my doctor once again and we got referred to family mediation.
We went to this for about a year and each session you couldn't fail to meet a better behaved child, and once again my parenting skills were called into question. The thing is, each time we left, five minutes down the road he would kick off again.
Each time I mentioned to the school, they would seem quite surprised as he never acted up in school. In fact, he seems to be quite a gifted child - he has read since a very young age (as I did and his brother), is a very talented artist, whilst at primary school was chosen to go on a gifted and talented scheme at school for both maths and sport, as has my eldest. Towards the end of primary school, his temper improved dramatically and I put this down to one, me not giving up at home and two, his self esteem being raised in school, by his acheivments.
Since my youngest started secondary school in September, he has had constant colds, he is underweight as he won't eat well (I try to feed him a varied diet, but he always leaves food and doesn't like the fact that he can't have meatballs - out of a can - and spaghetti each meal). He refuses to have his haircut, he will not clean his teeth, in fact he will not do anything unless I am on at him all of the time. I am really worried, but whenever I go to the doctor, I seemed to be brushed off, that I'm being a neurotic mother and seeing problems where there are none.
There is much more that I could write about my concerns with regards to his health, but I realise that I am going on a bit. Just wondered if there is anyone out there that could help me in a way forward, or as I have done, recognised their child in my posting. I also need to add that both my children and I have a loving relationship, lots of cuddles and care, but as the years are going on I am getting tired and am fearful of giving up, if you can understand. I realised after reading my post that I sound a neurotic mum, but I don't want to give up and I want the best for my boys
Thanks for reading, at my wits end.
I am a single mother of two lovely boys one aged 14 1/2 yrs and the other 12yrs, we live in the uk.
I was a single parent of my eldest son when I met the father of my youngest. We married when my youngest son was 5mnths old, we divorced when he was 14 mnths old. We divorced due to my ex-husband's violence towards me. A lot of the violence was witnessed by my youngest and heard by my eldest.
My youngest son was born by ceasarian section and we had a few bonding issues. I also think I suffered with Post Natal Depression, but this was not diagnosed, as I didn't realise I was depressed - thought it was just a different experience from my other son's birth which wasn't c-section. My eldest son was a very easy baby, didn't know I had him and always used to joke that I wouldn't be as lucky the next time - wish I'd never said that! DS #2 was SO different, and I put this down to the fact that they had different fathers. I knew from when he was very young (a couple of months) that he had a real temper on him! His face used to go a puce pink and his body would shake, when he was, I can only call it angry - he was neither hungry or tired, just looked angry. He would not breast feed - i struggled for a couple of months but he was not putting on weight so I switched to the bottle, which he took begrudgingly. My other son I breast-fed until he got teeth! DS#2 would go rigid when I tried to change him at night, and scream and wriggle so much that at times I had to leave him in a soiled nappy. As he got older, the issues became worse.
I had to work, as my ex couldn't hold a job down, from when my youngest was 3 months old, and my ex used to look after both my sons. When we split up, for a little while he continued with the childcare of them both, he then decided he could no longer look after my eldest, whom i put into childcare, then a little while longer he decided he couldn't look after his son. Luckily the childminder had space for another child, so I thought everything would be ok.
At the age of about 2 1/2 to 3 DS#2 started to bite other children - babies too. He seemed to get really angry and frustrated when there were a lot of children and noise. At this time, I had real issues with his eating, he was extremely fussy and he also was very late with potty training. When he started nursery he was out of nappies during the day, but used to wet himself regularly. At this age his temper tantrums were extreme to say the least. When he was a reception class I managed to get the school and my doctor to refer me to the educational psychologist. We went to a meeting, but I was informed that he was too young to diagnose - the emphasis seemed to be more on me and how I was coping - with the aftermath of the abusive relationship with his father and my resulting depression. They seemed to think that I was coping well, a loving and caring mother - no problems.
I lost my job, and my house and we had to move into rented accommodation when DS#2 was around 5 or 6yrs old. This is when things really kicked off. Every day, everything was a batttle. From the moment he woke, getting him dressed (socks and shoes would be thrown as the seams in the socks hurt), breakfast would be chosen, but when I gave it to him it wasn't right, milk too cold, so I would heat the milk then he wouldn't want hot milk, so the breakfast bowl would normally be thrown across the room, along with anything else he could lay his hands on. I tried the naughty step, counting to three, and I'm not proud to say, but even spanking. That I quickly realised didn't work, because he would hit me back. Along with calling me names a 6yr old shouldn't know. Luckily I managed to rent a 3 bedroom house, so that he and his brother could have separate rooms. I stopped counting the times he trashed his room, and counting the holes punched or kicked in the wall.
Things went from bad to worse, and my eldest son, who is quite placid by nature, suffered quite badly with the aggression from his younger brother. He wouldn't fight back and one day I walked into the room to discover my youngest son stamping on my eldest's head. So whenever they started to fight I tried to intervene, and then DS#2 turned on me. At this point I contacted my doctor once again and we got referred to family mediation.
We went to this for about a year and each session you couldn't fail to meet a better behaved child, and once again my parenting skills were called into question. The thing is, each time we left, five minutes down the road he would kick off again.
Each time I mentioned to the school, they would seem quite surprised as he never acted up in school. In fact, he seems to be quite a gifted child - he has read since a very young age (as I did and his brother), is a very talented artist, whilst at primary school was chosen to go on a gifted and talented scheme at school for both maths and sport, as has my eldest. Towards the end of primary school, his temper improved dramatically and I put this down to one, me not giving up at home and two, his self esteem being raised in school, by his acheivments.
Since my youngest started secondary school in September, he has had constant colds, he is underweight as he won't eat well (I try to feed him a varied diet, but he always leaves food and doesn't like the fact that he can't have meatballs - out of a can - and spaghetti each meal). He refuses to have his haircut, he will not clean his teeth, in fact he will not do anything unless I am on at him all of the time. I am really worried, but whenever I go to the doctor, I seemed to be brushed off, that I'm being a neurotic mother and seeing problems where there are none.
There is much more that I could write about my concerns with regards to his health, but I realise that I am going on a bit. Just wondered if there is anyone out there that could help me in a way forward, or as I have done, recognised their child in my posting. I also need to add that both my children and I have a loving relationship, lots of cuddles and care, but as the years are going on I am getting tired and am fearful of giving up, if you can understand. I realised after reading my post that I sound a neurotic mum, but I don't want to give up and I want the best for my boys
Thanks for reading, at my wits end.
to you. From what you've written, I don't think you're a neurotic mom. I think you are properly concerned about your boys, whom you love very much. I get the part about them behaving differently at home vs. in public. I was wondering if maybe your youngest was deeply affected by the witnessing of violence at such a young age. Where you live, I don't know if there is any counseling to help him address that kind of deep wound. Over here, sometimes churches offer free counseling if cost is an issue. But I think it would have to be with a specific conselor who has dealt with this kind of thing. Compounding the problem, it also sounds like he has an inborn stong temperament - kind of reminds me of my DS - kind of a perfectionist as well. Wish I could offer some help, but just wanted to let you know I read your posts and have been thinking about your family since.
