Laura Elise actually arrived 3 weeks ago, but some difficult events kept me offline for a bit. 4 days after I gave birth, my best friend died unexpectedly. We drove 200 miles with our tiny baby to the funeral, and upon our return we learned that DH's father's cancer has spread and that he only has a few weeks left...so we're flying across the country next week...I'm daunted by flying with a 1 month old and emotionally drained from this emotional roller coaster of birth followed by death, but I am in love with my baby girl, excited to be a mom, and full of joy over her life.
Here are some pictures and I have pasted Laura's birth story below. I have missed keeping up with everyone's pregnancy and birth journeys and I look forward to reading through the archives and catching up soon.
I woke up in the morning on Friday March 5, 2010 feeling crampy, and I briefly wondered if this could be it. However, I was only 39w3d and I was mentally prepared to go late, so I figured that it was probably just more braxton hicks. The crampiness continued at work and began to come in more regular 6-8 minute intervals and I accepted my bosses offer to head home early. At home, I tried to tidy things up, and paused every few minutes to rock on my hands and knees. DH got home at 4pm, and I told him it might be early labor but that it was mostly lower back pain and probably a false alarm. He suggested that I drink some water and take a shower and see if the contractions disappeared. I got in the shower and immediately felt more comfortable. The crampy feelings slowed but did not stop and when I got out I saw mucous with pink streaks fall onto the floor.
The contractions became more intense and were coming about every 5 minutes, and I began to focus more on my breathing as I labored on my ball. I felt some relief when DH put pressure on my lower back, and around 5:30pm he looked at me and said, “I really think this is the real deal,” and we decided to make some calls to our midwife, doula, and families. My mom came over and she and DH took turns putting pressure on my back during contractions. They suggested that I might want to eat something to keep my strength up so I had some crackers and jello. They also made sure I kept sipping water. My dog also tried to take care of me by offering me her toys…I think she thought she was helping! It took a long time for our midwife K to return our phone call but we finally spoke to her 7:00pm. The contractions were coming every 3-5 minutes, and she said she would head to the hospital whenever we were ready.
I continued to labor on my hands and knees with my arms draped over the ball, and I began to make low groaning sounds as the contractions became more intense, and we asked our doula to come to the house. For some reason I felt most daunted by the parking and check-in process at the hospital…maybe because our hospital tour had been so long ago? I felt very reassured that she had been to lots of births at this hospital and could guide us through that part. DH asked me if I needed anything different from him, and I told him that he was doing great and I thought we made a good team. I started to feel cold and asked for blankets, and DH draped several over me. I started to think more seriously about the hospital…I didn’t want to get there too early, but I also was starting to feel very daunted by the idea of a car ride at this point in labor. Our doula arrived around 10:30pm and fairly soon we decided to gather our things and head in.
The drive was very uncomfortable, but fortunately only took 15 minutes and we entered the L & D unit at 11:30pm. I remember seeing a big group of nurses, and feeling like the lights were really bright, but I was immediately hit with another contraction and tuned all of them out. When it was over I found myself being led into a triage room and my doula and my husband trying to explain that our midwife would triage me herself. I had a brief moment of panic where I wondered if she was even here and if my baby would be delivered by a stranger. But a minute later K appeared and took over and everything seemed to fall into place. K led us to our room, and on the way I realized I was going to be sick and threw up all over the hallway floor. I felt stressed that I had made a mess and felt like I should stop to clean it up, but DH kept me walking to our room and told me not to worry.
K checked me and told me I was a 7-8 and completely effaced and that I was doing great. She hooked me up to the monitor for 30 minutes and then I’d be free to labor as I wished. It was an uncomfortable 30 minutes, but I tried to remain positive as DH and our doula encouraged me. I had thought that my hallway vomiting was it, but it turns out that was only the beginning, and DH and our doula held bowls out for me and tried to re-hydrate me with more water. Eventually I was taken off the monitor and got in the tub. I know some people say that when they get in the water they feel amazing and have no pain…I can’t say it was quite that perfect, but it did help. I sat on my knees and leaned my arms over the side and continued to moan through contractions. I was barely talking at all at this point but if I made a motion towards my water cup or puke bowl, DH and our doula were on top of it. K sat in the main part of the room- she could hear everything but was just out of view of the tub. She came in periodically to turn off the bubbles and check the baby’s heartbeat with a portable monitor, and then returned to wait in her chair. My mom arrived and poked her head in to say hi, and sat in the main room with K.
Somewhere around 1:30am I felt like things were changing and told them I felt pushy. K came in and said I was probably a 10 and that she’d break my membranes and check me. I wasn’t thrilled about having my membranes artificially ruptured, but I knew they wanted to ensure that my fluid had no meconium before I delivered in the tub. I knew I could refuse this intervention and get out of the tub, and she’d be willing to wait for it to rupture on its own if I labored on land. But I preferred the tub and decided that knowing the meconium status might actually help me mentally orient myself for the remaining stretch of labor. So K broke my water and told me my fluid was beautifully clear but that I was still a 9. I was discouraged that I wasn’t yet a 10…but I didn’t want to get into a negative pattern of thought, so I tried not to think about it and just focus on the clear fluids and the good work I’d done to get to 9cm.
I felt increasingly uncomfortable as I moaned through contractions, but none of the other positions I tried provided any relief. DH and our doula asked if I wanted to get out and try the ball again, but I was so cold and uncomfortable out of the water that I elected to go back in and tried to stay positive. DH kept telling me he loved me and that he was so proud of me and our doula sat quietly and smiled.
Eventually I found myself grunting and starting to push involuntarily and I realized “oh so THIS is what its like to feel pushy!” K told me I was doing just fine and she continued to check the baby’s heartbeat periodically but she never actually checked my cervix again…she just told me to go with my body and do what felt right. I started out grunting and breathing because it didn’t yet feel natural to push hard, but I slowly began to put more effort into the pushing. I felt like nothing was happening but I didn’t want to get discouraged so I tried to focus on the present moment and not think too far into the future…I just told myself to “you can make it through this contraction,” and DH continued to tell me he loved me and that I was doing so well.
At 3:30am K checked on the baby’s heartbeat and couldn’t find it. She repositioned the monitor, and repositioned again and again, and still no heartbeat. I felt the room grow quiet with nervous anticipation as she searched for the heartbeat. I was so hazy that I didn’t feel worried because the meaning of the lack of heartbeat hadn’t fully clicked in my head. I remember saying in a quiet voice, “where did the baby go?” K asked me to shift my body and eventually after what seemed like an eternity (but was probably only 1 or 2 minutes) we heard the heartbeat loud and clear, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
A little after 4am K came in and suggested that I sit against one side of the tub and brace my legs against the other. She told me I was really coming along and started to direct my pushing a little. I didn’t want to have completely directed pushing, but the level of advice she offered was actually helpful…she let me choose when to push and when to rest, but tried to help me make the pushing more productive by encouraging me to get 3 or 4 good pushes each time. K asked the nurse to get some supplies and I felt the room come to life as everyone began to look excited. But I was still in my zone and had no idea that I was getting close to the end. I heard them gasp and cheer a bit as I pushed, and K told me they could see the head now and that my baby had dark hair! She told me to reach down and feel my baby’s head…I did this and felt shocked that there was actually something there, but I was quickly reabsorbed into the work of pushing. I think I slowed a bit as the baby came close to crowning, but K told me I was doing great and that once the head got a little further, it would no longer recede. I had wanted to push in a really careful and controlled manner to avoid tearing, but I felt like in the moment I had no ability to control the intensity of my pushing- it was either all or nothing, and I’d been giving it my all for a while and I still wasn’t done. However, on one push I felt more movement and K told me the baby isn’t going back now! She told me to keep pushing and all of a sudden the body was out and there was a baby in front of me. I was surprised and overjoyed…I was so shocked to see that I had actually pushed out a baby…I had been so focused in the moment that I had lost sight of the fact that there would be a baby at the end of all this work. And I was filled with joy and wonder as I held her and saw that she was a complete little human with arms and legs and fingers and toes. I kept looking at her and looking at DH and my mom and our doula and they were all so excited and so in awe of this brand new tiny life.
She was officially born on Saturday March 6 at 4:37am and I saw a look of wonder pass over my mom’s face because I too was born at 4:37am on a Saturday morning. I had a 2nd degree tear which I was a little bummed about and I wondered if I should have pushed differently to prevent the tearing, but I knew it was not useful to worry about it at this point. I got stitched up, I attempted to breastfeed (it was hard and continue to be hard) and then everyone left and DH and I were left to rest with our baby girl. Now that we were alone with her we tried out our girl names and decided her name was Laura Elise. We watched the sunrise and napped a bit and had a lovely morning together.
I feel really thankful because I had hoped for a low-intervention, drug-free birth and I got it, and I had hoped for a supportive experience with my birth team and I definitely got that too. I still wonder sometimes if I slowed myself down or if I should have tried other things because it seems like things weren’t moving much during the early hours of the morning. But ultimately things did progress, and I think we made it work. I hadn’t specifically planned on giving birth in the water, but I also hadn’t specifically planned not to…it just felt right to stay put when the time came and I feel good about how it all turned out. I am so thankful that my DH, my mom, and my doula were such a gentle and supportive team. I’m also really glad I switched to this midwife group and I was struck by the contrast between K’s patient demeanor and my original OB. Laura is a joy and we continue to be amazed by her and we are so thankful.
Here are some pictures and I have pasted Laura's birth story below. I have missed keeping up with everyone's pregnancy and birth journeys and I look forward to reading through the archives and catching up soon.
I woke up in the morning on Friday March 5, 2010 feeling crampy, and I briefly wondered if this could be it. However, I was only 39w3d and I was mentally prepared to go late, so I figured that it was probably just more braxton hicks. The crampiness continued at work and began to come in more regular 6-8 minute intervals and I accepted my bosses offer to head home early. At home, I tried to tidy things up, and paused every few minutes to rock on my hands and knees. DH got home at 4pm, and I told him it might be early labor but that it was mostly lower back pain and probably a false alarm. He suggested that I drink some water and take a shower and see if the contractions disappeared. I got in the shower and immediately felt more comfortable. The crampy feelings slowed but did not stop and when I got out I saw mucous with pink streaks fall onto the floor.
The contractions became more intense and were coming about every 5 minutes, and I began to focus more on my breathing as I labored on my ball. I felt some relief when DH put pressure on my lower back, and around 5:30pm he looked at me and said, “I really think this is the real deal,” and we decided to make some calls to our midwife, doula, and families. My mom came over and she and DH took turns putting pressure on my back during contractions. They suggested that I might want to eat something to keep my strength up so I had some crackers and jello. They also made sure I kept sipping water. My dog also tried to take care of me by offering me her toys…I think she thought she was helping! It took a long time for our midwife K to return our phone call but we finally spoke to her 7:00pm. The contractions were coming every 3-5 minutes, and she said she would head to the hospital whenever we were ready.
I continued to labor on my hands and knees with my arms draped over the ball, and I began to make low groaning sounds as the contractions became more intense, and we asked our doula to come to the house. For some reason I felt most daunted by the parking and check-in process at the hospital…maybe because our hospital tour had been so long ago? I felt very reassured that she had been to lots of births at this hospital and could guide us through that part. DH asked me if I needed anything different from him, and I told him that he was doing great and I thought we made a good team. I started to feel cold and asked for blankets, and DH draped several over me. I started to think more seriously about the hospital…I didn’t want to get there too early, but I also was starting to feel very daunted by the idea of a car ride at this point in labor. Our doula arrived around 10:30pm and fairly soon we decided to gather our things and head in.
The drive was very uncomfortable, but fortunately only took 15 minutes and we entered the L & D unit at 11:30pm. I remember seeing a big group of nurses, and feeling like the lights were really bright, but I was immediately hit with another contraction and tuned all of them out. When it was over I found myself being led into a triage room and my doula and my husband trying to explain that our midwife would triage me herself. I had a brief moment of panic where I wondered if she was even here and if my baby would be delivered by a stranger. But a minute later K appeared and took over and everything seemed to fall into place. K led us to our room, and on the way I realized I was going to be sick and threw up all over the hallway floor. I felt stressed that I had made a mess and felt like I should stop to clean it up, but DH kept me walking to our room and told me not to worry.
K checked me and told me I was a 7-8 and completely effaced and that I was doing great. She hooked me up to the monitor for 30 minutes and then I’d be free to labor as I wished. It was an uncomfortable 30 minutes, but I tried to remain positive as DH and our doula encouraged me. I had thought that my hallway vomiting was it, but it turns out that was only the beginning, and DH and our doula held bowls out for me and tried to re-hydrate me with more water. Eventually I was taken off the monitor and got in the tub. I know some people say that when they get in the water they feel amazing and have no pain…I can’t say it was quite that perfect, but it did help. I sat on my knees and leaned my arms over the side and continued to moan through contractions. I was barely talking at all at this point but if I made a motion towards my water cup or puke bowl, DH and our doula were on top of it. K sat in the main part of the room- she could hear everything but was just out of view of the tub. She came in periodically to turn off the bubbles and check the baby’s heartbeat with a portable monitor, and then returned to wait in her chair. My mom arrived and poked her head in to say hi, and sat in the main room with K.
Somewhere around 1:30am I felt like things were changing and told them I felt pushy. K came in and said I was probably a 10 and that she’d break my membranes and check me. I wasn’t thrilled about having my membranes artificially ruptured, but I knew they wanted to ensure that my fluid had no meconium before I delivered in the tub. I knew I could refuse this intervention and get out of the tub, and she’d be willing to wait for it to rupture on its own if I labored on land. But I preferred the tub and decided that knowing the meconium status might actually help me mentally orient myself for the remaining stretch of labor. So K broke my water and told me my fluid was beautifully clear but that I was still a 9. I was discouraged that I wasn’t yet a 10…but I didn’t want to get into a negative pattern of thought, so I tried not to think about it and just focus on the clear fluids and the good work I’d done to get to 9cm.
I felt increasingly uncomfortable as I moaned through contractions, but none of the other positions I tried provided any relief. DH and our doula asked if I wanted to get out and try the ball again, but I was so cold and uncomfortable out of the water that I elected to go back in and tried to stay positive. DH kept telling me he loved me and that he was so proud of me and our doula sat quietly and smiled.
Eventually I found myself grunting and starting to push involuntarily and I realized “oh so THIS is what its like to feel pushy!” K told me I was doing just fine and she continued to check the baby’s heartbeat periodically but she never actually checked my cervix again…she just told me to go with my body and do what felt right. I started out grunting and breathing because it didn’t yet feel natural to push hard, but I slowly began to put more effort into the pushing. I felt like nothing was happening but I didn’t want to get discouraged so I tried to focus on the present moment and not think too far into the future…I just told myself to “you can make it through this contraction,” and DH continued to tell me he loved me and that I was doing so well.
At 3:30am K checked on the baby’s heartbeat and couldn’t find it. She repositioned the monitor, and repositioned again and again, and still no heartbeat. I felt the room grow quiet with nervous anticipation as she searched for the heartbeat. I was so hazy that I didn’t feel worried because the meaning of the lack of heartbeat hadn’t fully clicked in my head. I remember saying in a quiet voice, “where did the baby go?” K asked me to shift my body and eventually after what seemed like an eternity (but was probably only 1 or 2 minutes) we heard the heartbeat loud and clear, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
A little after 4am K came in and suggested that I sit against one side of the tub and brace my legs against the other. She told me I was really coming along and started to direct my pushing a little. I didn’t want to have completely directed pushing, but the level of advice she offered was actually helpful…she let me choose when to push and when to rest, but tried to help me make the pushing more productive by encouraging me to get 3 or 4 good pushes each time. K asked the nurse to get some supplies and I felt the room come to life as everyone began to look excited. But I was still in my zone and had no idea that I was getting close to the end. I heard them gasp and cheer a bit as I pushed, and K told me they could see the head now and that my baby had dark hair! She told me to reach down and feel my baby’s head…I did this and felt shocked that there was actually something there, but I was quickly reabsorbed into the work of pushing. I think I slowed a bit as the baby came close to crowning, but K told me I was doing great and that once the head got a little further, it would no longer recede. I had wanted to push in a really careful and controlled manner to avoid tearing, but I felt like in the moment I had no ability to control the intensity of my pushing- it was either all or nothing, and I’d been giving it my all for a while and I still wasn’t done. However, on one push I felt more movement and K told me the baby isn’t going back now! She told me to keep pushing and all of a sudden the body was out and there was a baby in front of me. I was surprised and overjoyed…I was so shocked to see that I had actually pushed out a baby…I had been so focused in the moment that I had lost sight of the fact that there would be a baby at the end of all this work. And I was filled with joy and wonder as I held her and saw that she was a complete little human with arms and legs and fingers and toes. I kept looking at her and looking at DH and my mom and our doula and they were all so excited and so in awe of this brand new tiny life.
She was officially born on Saturday March 6 at 4:37am and I saw a look of wonder pass over my mom’s face because I too was born at 4:37am on a Saturday morning. I had a 2nd degree tear which I was a little bummed about and I wondered if I should have pushed differently to prevent the tearing, but I knew it was not useful to worry about it at this point. I got stitched up, I attempted to breastfeed (it was hard and continue to be hard) and then everyone left and DH and I were left to rest with our baby girl. Now that we were alone with her we tried out our girl names and decided her name was Laura Elise. We watched the sunrise and napped a bit and had a lovely morning together.
I feel really thankful because I had hoped for a low-intervention, drug-free birth and I got it, and I had hoped for a supportive experience with my birth team and I definitely got that too. I still wonder sometimes if I slowed myself down or if I should have tried other things because it seems like things weren’t moving much during the early hours of the morning. But ultimately things did progress, and I think we made it work. I hadn’t specifically planned on giving birth in the water, but I also hadn’t specifically planned not to…it just felt right to stay put when the time came and I feel good about how it all turned out. I am so thankful that my DH, my mom, and my doula were such a gentle and supportive team. I’m also really glad I switched to this midwife group and I was struck by the contrast between K’s patient demeanor and my original OB. Laura is a joy and we continue to be amazed by her and we are so thankful.
And 
for your loss.
