Anyone have experience with restraining orders?

[betony707]

I just filed a domestic violence restraining order on my son's father. We had an incident on Thanksgiving where he showed up drunk, flipped out, and threatened to have me killed. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom with my son (then 4 months old) while he tried to break the door down before finally leaving. I probably should have acted then, but the situation seemed semi under control - he was banned from coming here drunk, required to bring a family member I trusted instead of coming alone, etc. Well it wasn't long before he started coming alone again, but things stayed relatively peaceful until the 17th of this month when he showed up completely wasted and started an arguement. Then yesterday he came by and again became extremely confrontational, yelling at me while holding my son, then standing in my driveway yelling for a while before finally leaving. I said enough is enough and filed the order today - I felt that as things are beginning to escalate it is best to act now before they explode again. He will probably be served with the order tomorrow or the next day.

I was nervous anyway about this as it initiates custody proceedings and I am adament he cannot be unsupervised with my baby - he is a heavy drug user and alcoholic and very unstable. But since I got home from filing I am in a state of panic. I am terrified that this will push him over the edge, that he will come after me, and that my son will be hurt in the process. I am not sure why the sudden terror, but all day I have been in fear and just feel like I need to run or cancel the order. I do know he has access to guns, but would never have believed him capable of going to that kind of extreme. But then I learned in the past 2 years he is capable of a LOT I would never have imagined...
I guess my question is, for anyone who has been in a similar situation, did the restraining order help, or was it just a trigger for violence?

[Theia]

I felt the same way when I filed. I was so scared and had the same concerns.... would this make it worse or protect me as intended? I didn't get to serve my X because he was un-locatable. But I was terrified waiting for that only to find out it wouldn't happen.

I'm sorry, I don't have the full BTDT experience to offer. Just make several copies, one for your car, one for your purse, one for work or a friends home.....keep a copy near you at all times.

Best wishes. I hope this doesn't blow up any worse than it already is.

[DirtRoadMama]

If you don't feel safe in your house, is there anywhere else you can go? I don't have experience with restraining orders, but I do know that it is pretty easy to walk right through them (meaning, it will help when you call the police, but you're on your own until they get there).

Can you go to a friend's house, your parents, a woman's shelter? I don't know that I would suggest getting someone to stay with you, as that will be basically asking them to put themselves into potential danger, and if it's a guy friend, that might escalate the situation.

Can you find out when they are going to serve the order?

[Avani]

I filed and went to a women't shelter. Even though i still felt scared he would find him, i would even think i saw him staring in the windows, there was a bit more security since there were alarms on all the windows and doors and the ladies that worked there really helped. For me the violence escalated but i do not regret the order at all. Every time he called, texted, showed up i got to call the police. It really is important to show them you are strong and not willing to be abused any longer. I will say that four years later he now uses the abuse in court instead of with me because i am still protected under the order. Every time i called the police on him he was shocked i would do it and finally realized he couldn't harrass me anymore. Keep the order, go to a shelter.

[laohaire]

I don't have any experience, but Gavin de Becker writes about this. His position is that ROs are not a one size fits all solution. The women who want to file them should file them, because they know their spouses/exes enough to know it will help (or at least not hurt). But some women are afraid to. Unfortunately, restraining orders apparently do set some men off. I don't want to scare you, I just want you to make a good decision based on your instincts rather than being told "awwww, you'll be FINE."

CAN you cancel it? If you can, perhaps you should. If you're undecided, perhaps try to cancel it and then think about whether to refile it (since you don't have the luxury of time to think about cancelling it). Restraining orders are helpful in some cases, but only because the man respsects them. They aren't magic.

ETA: I don't at all mean you should give up.. if you decide to cancel it you should still take some action. Can you disappear? Or, you can decide to let it be filed and just be VERY prepared at all times, cell phone charged and ready even when you're in your house (in case you find yourself trapped in the bathroom). If you are in a situation where he's hurting you, think of your son, get the RAGE in you and explode at him, do anything to get away from him including biting HARD or anything you can manage.

EaTA: I am so, so sorry you are in this position. It's just so wrong on so many levels.

[Katwoman]

Of course every situation is different. But I wanted to say that I totally understand what you're going through. Waiting for it to be served on my x was - literally - the worst time in my life. I never understood stress until that time in my life.

For me, the stalking continued but no actual violence. (More mental games than anything.) He stayed away like he was supposed. Even said he understood why I filed it. (Um? Okay?)

Everyone is different and you should be in a place where you feel as safe as possible. I just wanted to say I really get where you're at and I'm very sorry that you're there.

You will get through this. It just doesn't seem like it now and I'm sorry for that as well.

[*MamaJen*]

The Gift of Fear is a good book to read.
In general, be really safe now. Go overboard being safe. Don't ignore your instincts that are telling you that you're in danger. You are escaping his power, and this is a really dangerous time in the cycle of abuse. I don't want to sound alarmist but you need to take steps to protect yourself.
In addition to the restraining order, I would file a police report about the harassment you've been experiencing. What he was doing yesterday was illegal and the safest thing to do is report it to the police. If nothing else, having police reports will make it a zillion times easier to prevent him from getting unsupervised visitation. You can't play nice or try to avoid making waves. The safety of yourself and your baby is on the line.
In the meantime, is there another place you can stay for a week or two? Can you have someone, preferably a guy who knows how to handle himself, stay at your house for a while?
A restraining order is a funny thing. It obviously doesn't do anything on its own, but you can call the police if he violates it. Gavin DeBecker says that the problem with restraining orders is that they can give you a false sense of security, so don't fall into that trap. If a guy is going to commit a serious act of violence against you, he's also going to ignore a restraining order.
I think it's a good tool, and I would file it. But be really really really careful in the near future.

[betony707]

Wow thanks so much everyone for all the replies and the great information!
I tried to find out today WHEN it would be served but I couldn't get a call back . I am debating contacting his mom to let her know what I have done, I have tried since my son's birth to keep a good relationship with her although I don't know how she will react to this (even though she knows how he is, he abuses her and his siblings constantly, they are just the sort of people who don't believe you EVER get the law involved in personal matters ) Anyway, my ex is living with his mom, I *hope* that if I clue her in & she has reason to believe he is going off the deep end, she would warn me at least for the sake of her grandson.

I spent some time thinking about canceling the order but at some point in time I am bound to do something to set him off, at least this way if I see him coming I can have him arrested. I debated staying at my mother's but he does know where that is & it is a logical place to find me. My house is fairly secure and small - just a studio, so I know no one is lurking in another room. Guess he could shoot through the window - that is a little scary but a bit unlikely to me - I would just think if you were going to take the risk of shooting someone wouldn't you want to be SURE you got them? Going ouside is the scary part - I am thinking about going out tomorrow, stocking up on everything I could need, and then leaving my car with a friend so it appears I am not home and just basically hiding inside for a few days. Not sure if that is a real logical plan but at least it seems workable.
Being physically attacked is not really as scary to me - he is not a real big guy and I studied martial arts for years and made it nearly to a black belt, even helped teach women's self defense classes It is weapons, mainly guns (which I know he has access to) that scares me.
Thanks for reassuring me that my concerns are valid (even though I wish they weren't!). I am definately going to be on high alert for a while. I am still very scared, mosty for my son, but hopefully this is just a short-term thing. I think if we get through the first few days we will be ok - he has a hot temper but a short attention span in a lot of ways, and if he doesnt do something violent right away I think it is unlikely he will later

[betony707]

He stayed away like he was supposed. Even said he understood why I filed it. (Um? Okay?)

OMG that realy struck a chord with me....I could soooo see my ex saying the same thing!

[laohaire]

I am really encouraged by your update! If you can check out The Gift of Fear from the library, do so ASAP. While it deals with scary subjects it's also ultimately reassuring. You listen to your instincts but you don't have to spend your life worrying either. He talks at length about restraining orders, and it would be useful to you to see what he has to say on them, so you can be in tune with your instincts on that. It sounds to me like you are worried but your instincts say to do it; if that is the case, you should do it. But there are women who are pressured into filing for one even though their instincts are going No!!!! - and that's NOT a good situation to be filing. I wish we could also give advice about whether to call his mother or not, but that also is a decision that must come from you, your personal knowledge of her and her dynamic with you and her son. Another decision for your instincts. Anyway, be safe.