what do you do when your family is in flux (new baby, mom is in pain, etc)

[velveeta]

We are pretty relaxed homeschoolers. For the most part, it is unschool, but for us, that means lots of outdoor activities, crafts, good times!

Since I am 3 weeks postpartum, we haven't done anything in a long time. I feel horrible about it. I am *so* grouchy and I feel very mean, and that I am constantly apologizing for being mad.

Honestly, it is all so crazy -- I was planning my 3rd uneventful homebirth, and after 14 hours of *weird* labor, my midwife determined that my baby was breech. (we'd had no idea). Anyhow, I was in transition at the time, and b/c of poor positioning, we had to rush to the hospital for a cesarean birth. I am mentioning all of this b/c, to me, it is INSANE, and I still can't believe it!

So, I am recovering from the surgery, and I have quite a lot of pain most of the time. I can capably take care of my baby, but I am having a hard time taking care of my older children. My mother and sister came for the birth, but they had to leave the day I returned from the hospital (I was only there one day b/c the older children were so shaken by my untimely and unexpected departure!).

We are watching LOTS of TV and right now, each kid is playing a video game. Behavior is awful, and it is mostly MY behavior that is awful.

Many of you HS families know that it is so hard to get good childcare during the day. I really need help, but I don't feel safe with contacting an agency (although we do have a budget for this).

Should I just give up for now, and surrender to the TV and so? It is not TV per se, that I object to -- it is all the whining and behavior stuff that goes with not actively parenting my kids, you know?

We are considering trying to attend a homeschool playgroup on Thursday -- that will help.

Ideas? Thoughts?

[Marimami]

Oh, Jean, please ask us for help! I'm going to email you... together we can survive the post-hospital homeschooling-is-in-total disarray mess....

Holli

[Fairy4tmama]

oh mama be kind to your self! I didn't have a c sec with my last and the postpartum was still so so rocky! I can only imagine how difficult things are for you right now. Is there another HS mama who might be open to earning a bit of cash who could take the older kids to a park or something? If your uncomfortable with an an agency could your dh put up fliers at the nearest community college or university to see if their are any college students who would come over to play games with the older kids while you rest. College students often have time during the day. They are also frequently looking for 10 to 15 hr a week jobs.

[Momma Aimee]

be kind to yourself.

I 2nd the idea of a college kid 3 hours a day -- or 4 or 5 hours 2 or 3 day ...a craft, and outside game / free play time ... and some other 'activity" ....it will do the older kids a world of good, the college kid would be glad to work 15 to 20 hours a week -- and you would be able to lay aside some momma gulit

remember this is a passing phase

[AAK]

Go to the hs group. Ask the moms there if they know of an older (high school age) homeschooler who would want some extra $$$. I think you could use the break. But also, don't feel guilty about the tv right now. It won't be forever. But, if the high schooler could take them on walks or even play games in the yard with the kiddos, that would probably take the edge off of the restless behavior. I would skip the "schooling" for now, catch up later!

Take care!

Amy

[zjande]

Yes I agree with asking around for a local home schooler that may be interested! I know exactly what you mean about the crazy behavior kids exhibit when on TV binges. We've been through those times as well. And yeah, I also agree that you should totally not stress about the schooling right now. Just ease back into it later. Everyone will be just fine. I'm so sorry you ended up with the insane c/s! Take care, Jean!

[phathui5]

Do you have homeschooling mom friends in your area who can come take your kids for a couple hours a day so you can rest?

[Savoir Faire]

Do you belong to some sort of local group? Put a message on there and ask for help. Ask for a "mother's helper," someone who can help you until you're feeling better.

[iamme]

And, if none of the above advice won't work, just ride it out. Totally surrender.

You will not damage your dc by being a meany for a short time in their lives. You mess up, you apologize. That's way better socializing than they could get anywhere!! They are better off in front of the tube or computer than if they were in school, so no worries there, plus, they are sooo young still! Let all things go. Honestly, I would rather pay someone to cook and clean for me than to take my dc, but that's just me. (And, that's my dc-they are velcro during tough times.) I know you wanted and expected your birth to look MUCH different, and I'm so sorry it didn't. Now that you have this new situation before you, just ride the wave momma. It will get better. You have much healing to do on many levels, so give yourself some time- a lot of time!!

TV
Computer
Books
Stupid little workbooks
Basket of easy to cleanup toys
Takeout food/meals delivered
Don't look at messy faces, floors, or clothes. Ask for help, and let the rest go.
Touch-a gentle touch to each of you will go a long way. Touch heals.

[jrabbit]

i took a sabbatical from "school" for about 6 months ... the drawback is that it's been hard to get back in the groove, but it was important to my sanity just to not even pretend that we were schooling. I hired a nanny/babysitter to entertain the big sisters while I just rested and got my"self" back. (the babysitter was specifically NOT hired for education, just entertainment, so the big sisters didn't die of boredom)

--janis
(dd3 was born by an emergency cs, after planning a hb, too - I know how it feels)

[MammaG]

Be kind to yourself, Mama! I had the uneventful homebirth in November, but it STILL took me until about the end of February to get back into a swing that felt right. Kids watched way too much TV and videos, I did a lot of the kind of parenting I don't want to do...the yelling at the kids from the sofa kind of parenting. We didn't do much 'school' and when we did everyone was grumpy about the whole darn thing.

BUT....you emerge, you really do! We pretty much went cold turkey no TV except Friday family movie night....I thought the kids would freak out...they were just fine. They almost never ask for it. Their behavior improved. MY behavior improved. We got back into a routine that wasn't the same as before because we have a new little person to work into the schedule. But it's a schedule nonetheless and everyone is much happier for it.

I'm spending the rest of this year doing mostly learning to be in a routine. Going easy on any 'learning'. Mine are little, though...oldest is 5.5, so I'm totally fine with this.

You'll be OK, it will pass. Just enjoy getting to know your littlest...it only happens once! The others will be just fine and will learn a valuable lesson about the importance of family-building.

Hope that helps you...be well.

[iamme]

Originally Posted by velveeta

We are pretty relaxed homeschoolers. For the most part, it is unschool, but for us, that means lots of outdoor activities, crafts, good times!

Since I am 3 weeks postpartum, we haven't done anything in a long time. I feel horrible about it. I am *so* grouchy and I feel very mean, and that I am constantly apologizing for being mad.

Honestly, it is all so crazy -- I was planning my 3rd uneventful homebirth, and after 14 hours of *weird* labor, my midwife determined that my baby was breech. (we'd had no idea). Anyhow, I was in transition at the time, and b/c of poor positioning, we had to rush to the hospital for a cesarean birth. I am mentioning all of this b/c, to me, it is INSANE, and I still can't believe it!

So, I am recovering from the surgery, and I have quite a lot of pain most of the time. I can capably take care of my baby, but I am having a hard time taking care of my older children. My mother and sister came for the birth, but they had to leave the day I returned from the hospital (I was only there one day b/c the older children were so shaken by my untimely and unexpected departure!).

We are watching LOTS of TV and right now, each kid is playing a video game. Behavior is awful, and it is mostly MY behavior that is awful.

Many of you HS families know that it is so hard to get good childcare during the day. I really need help, but I don't feel safe with contacting an agency (although we do have a budget for this).

Should I just give up for now, and surrender to the TV and so? It is not TV per se, that I object to -- it is all the whining and behavior stuff that goes with not actively parenting my kids, you know?

We are considering trying to attend a homeschool playgroup on Thursday -- that will help.

Ideas? Thoughts?

Originally Posted by iamme

And, if none of the above advice won't work, just ride it out. Totally surrender.

You will not damage your dc by being a meany for a short time in their lives. You mess up, you apologize. That's way better socializing than they could get anywhere!! They are better off in front of the tube or computer than if they were in school, so no worries there, plus, they are sooo young still! Let all things go. Honestly, I would rather pay someone to cook and clean for me than to take my dc, but that's just me. (And, that's my dc-they are velcro during tough times.) I know you wanted and expected your birth to look MUCH different, and I'm so sorry it didn't. Now that you have this new situation before you, just ride the wave momma. It will get better. You have much healing to do on many levels, so give yourself some time- a lot of time!!

TV
Computer
Books
Stupid little workbooks
Basket of easy to cleanup toys
Takeout food/meals delivered
Don't look at messy faces, floors, or clothes. Ask for help, and let the rest go.
Touch-a gentle touch to each of you will go a long way. Touch heals.

You know what? After leaving my therapist's office today, I thought of you. I want to say to you, that while what I wrote here above does work itself out for most dc, there is the MOM factor that is needing huge attention.

I want to urge you to do whatever you can to get help-whether it be for your dc, your home, meals, whatever-but get help!! It hit me HARD today, that I have been too much of a martyr(sp?) throughout my parenting(13 yrs) and yrs of chronic illness. When my dc were as young as yours, it didn't effect them *that* much, but it DID effect ME and MY mental/emotional health-which is now effecting my dc and entire life. I have had two friends that I have reached out to this winter, and they have been critical factors in me keeping my sanity.

Being on auto-pilot and "surrendering" is okay-but getting help is much, much better. I'm sorry I didn't think my initial reply through before posting.

[MissRubyandKen]

Hugs mama! That is a lot to deal with. I agree with everyone else. Be kind to yourself and if you can afford it get a mother's helper and maybe a house cleaner too for awhile. This is your babymoon! You had an unplanned C-section. You should be resting and healing up. Please, please, please get some help. From one momma to another! Do as little as possible and just love on that baby. I had my third two years ago. It was a vaginal birth, but it still took time to heal. And yes, my two older children played video games, watched tv, and ate cereal for breakfast quite a bit! I also learned how to ask dp for help. This has actually improved our relationship. They're only tiny for a short time and this temporary chaos is totally normal.

[ktgrok]

Just wanted to suggest contacting ICAN to facilitate your own healing.

[dannic]

Congrats on your new little one! Some women bounce back pp really easily, but I am not one of those, lol, so I understand and hormones really mess with you, don't they? HUGS!

If you have a budget for help, sit down with DP/DH and brainstorm which type if help would really help you most--in home child care, pp doula-type services, cleaning/cooking, a mix of them? (Maybe a HS youth helping out one afternoon and a cleaning lady once a week?)

Children are so forgiving and resilient--they'll survive! There's a HS article out there somewhere called "The Baby IS the Lesson" that really helped me realize I don't have to do it all PP. There are def seasons in life and these can be powerful learning experiences for your children, academics aside.

It takes me at least 3 mos to figure out our new family life each time I have a baby, and I'd imagine with a surgery it would take me longer.

I agree with PP! We're giving you license to do what you need to do to heal, rest, bond, and keep your family (and YOU!) sane in the meantime.

An aside: Everytime I see your sig pic, I do a double take! You look just like a friend of mine from highschool!

[Brisen]

I've been there a few times myself. I agree with everyone who is saying get help, but also be easy on yourself -- this is a passing phase and it WILL get better.

My youngest is 4 months, and things have been steadily improving for a while. Personally, I find it hard to keep up with both housework/cooking and kid/school stuff with a new baby. My sleep schedule is all messed up too, so we tend to start late. If you have room in your budget for child care but you can't find a mother's helper or sitter who you're comfortable with, maybe hire a post partum doula for a while? Or hire help with the cleaning/cooking, or get lots of take out.

Or if it's just childcare during the day that you can't find, see if you can find someone for before or after school hours, and adjust your schedule around that. I had a mother's helper come a few times when I was pg and had two kids under 5. They were preteen-aged and basically just came by after school and played with the kids so I could get dinner made and the mess from keeping two preschoolers busy all day under control a bit.

[scrappyhappymama]

I so totally agree with "the baby is the lesson." It takes me a good several months to get back into a good groove after a new baby. It just does. I can't even imagine if I were dealing with a surgical or traumatic birth. Please do not feel bad about taking some time for yourself and for healing.

I hear a lot of homeschoolers beating themselves up about time not schooling, but even the PS'ers take the summer off right? Call this your extended spring break if you must. Or better yet, look at it as applied, practical learning and let your little darlings be your helpers and learn all about pitching in to help the family in time of flux.

Don't feel guilty about some extra screen time right now. It's only because it's not your norm that it feels so out of whack to you, and that right there sets your family apart from many. But I understand, a few days of too much tv or video games and my boys are bouncing off the walls and whining about chores or school. If you can, when you can, shut off the TV and encourage them to play outside, pull out the board games, do some messy art projects, make their own lunch, fold some laundry, go for a walk, have a lego contest, olders read to the youngers. Nothing structured, nothing too taxing for you, but still active and learning.

Hang in there mama!

[treemom2]

Congratulations on the birth of your new babe We are in the process of moving so we don't have a lot of time to actually "do school". I honestly don't like my kids watching TV (I feel it turns my kids into people I don't enjoy being around) so I've enrolled them in Time4Learning. They think it's fun and they aren't always watching TV. My DS will ask to play it in the evenings and they both enjoy it so far. Granted, it is a little pricey ($19.95/month for once child and 14.95 each additional child); but it's keeping them busy while I am getting everything ready for the move.

[lmonter]

I agree, get yourself some help.
I've had people finally come out of the woodwork after my 4th kiddo (mid-Feb baby, so only a few weeks ahead of you) here offering to help, so I just have to call/email 'em and go from there. Last minute baby-sitting for free, one friend who will watch my older three from 9a-7p so I can catch up on stuff around the house and not feel so behind and defeated, etc.

Do you have any local friends who would be able to help you out? Even for pay if need be? Or if you go to church, ask around. Or whatever other groups you may belong to. Trust me, getting a break from the kids to take an unfettered nap with the newborn or folding a dozen loads of laundry can make you feel like a new woman. Or maybe that's just bizarre me, but still.

My kids have been watching an awful lot of books on DVD - Grandma got a collection of Scholastic books on DVD for Christmas for 'em, and we even own half the actual books. The kids love pulling out their book(s) and following the DVD with the book, it's cute.

If you're feeling up for playdates, by all means. I know it took me a bit before I was ready for that - either at a friend's house or ours, and I had a pretty uneventful homebirth.

If the weather's decent enough and you have a fenced yard, I'd be tempted to send the kids outside with some packets of seeds or something. My kids are perpetually outside if it's not muddy (mama's got enough to clean as it is!), and love love love helping (or "helping") out in the garden/yard.