Is DD trying to tell me shes gay or is she just not interested in boys???

[aslyn]

ok, My DD is only 9..and I'm not really ready to have her dating by any means, so its certainly not like that. I am probably confused/stressed over nothing but heres my situation:

About a yr or so ago we had a gay friend who was living with us bring over his boyfriend..so after much confusion from my now 7 yr old we sat my DD and DS down and explained that some girls marry girls and some marry boys and some like mommy and daddy get married and have a boy/girl relationship. And that whatever they chose when they were older would be fine with us. My DS was cool with it but said "I like girls i'm going to marry a girl", We support that if thats what he chooses to do when hes 30 (j/k) My DD said "I'm going to marry a girl, I don't like boys" we said ok whatever you decide when your older will be ok with us. My DS (now 7) likes girls, he had a crush on a classmate at his old school and will say out loud "oh shes very pretty mommy" if he thinks a girl is cute. My DD on the other hand has no interest in boys at all whatsoever. She came home from school 1 day, blowing up that "I do NOT LIKE boys mommy, Don't you get that?" My husband and I just looked at her, as this whole topic came out of nowhere since not a min earlier we had been talking about the dinner we were making. We both looked at her and said "OK" in sync..And the other day my son brought home a card from a girl at school, we laughed and said well you are cute, and he said "she's my friend, but I dont like her like "that" and my DD started on her rant about not like boys again..

I do know that most of her peers are interested in boys, and I've heard enough girls her age talk about how cute "that" boy is..I'm totaly ok with her liking/not liking boys or even if shes more into girls or only into girls..I am ok with whatever, in fact my aforementioned gay friend told us he knew he was gay by 10 or 11, but without the support from family/friends he didn't come out until his teen years..I just wish I could figure out what shes trying to tell me, I think shes a bit young to understand the whole "Im gay" thing but if she is noticing shes different and is trying to communicate that to us, I want to be able to help her. I also wonder if she is feeling pressured by the peer relations about liking boys and having those kinds of interactions happening at school?

Anyone got any thoughts?

[laohaire]

I didn't like boys when I was 9 either. I'm not sure many girls do, I think these days they pretend they do because it's so "mature" to have crushes on boys. They watch Jonas Brothers or whatever and learn that's what girls and boys are supposed to do.

Maybe she's gay, maybe not, I don't think you'll find out for a while yet.

[pbjmama]

Wow, hard to say. I think I would try to talk about it more, casually. It really could be anything from telling you she is gay to a boy at school likes her and she does not reciprocate.

You could say - oh, is there a certain girl/someone you do like? And see where it goes from there.

[Annie Mac]

Perhaps I'm naive, but nine sounds really young to be experiencing true sexual attraction towards someone of either gender. If you'd asked me when I was nine whether I liked boys or girls, I would have said girls. Girls were who I played with. Boys were icky. If you'd asked me who I wanted to a marry, a boy or a girl, I probably would have been confused and embarrassed by the question, and may well have responded the same as your daughter: "I don't like boys!" And I turned out pretty solidly hetero.

I don't think your daughter is necessarily trying to tell you anything, other than perhaps the topic makes her uncomfortable -- not because of her sexual orientation but because she's pre-pubescent and not ready for this type of conversation. I would drop it, personally. She's already bombarded with overly-sexualized images as it is, I don't think she needs this kind of pressure at home as well.

[Thalia the Muse]

I don't think you can tell anything at this age -- she could just think boys are yucky because she has not entered that early adolescent stage yet. My eight-year-old daughter's the same way -- hates anything with kissing or mushy romance, and has said repeatedly she never wants to marry a boy, she'd rather marry a girl who's just like her current best friend. She also hates things she perceives as "girly," and also anything where people are "trying to act cool" -- she's pretty hostile to tween culture like iCarly, boy bands, and fashionista posturing (all this is fine by me!!!). She wants to look for shirts in the boys' department and wears a lot of boyish clothes, then gets mad if anyone mistakes her for a boy. But she likes to try on my jewelry and shoes and tell me what to wear, too, and wants me to paint her nails.

She might turn out to be gay, or she might change her mind when the hormones hit -- I figure either way we'll be supportive, and I don't see a reason to push her to declare herself one way or the other until she declares it for herself. Right now she is trying hard to define herself and her identity in a lot of ways, and really reacts against anything she sees as pushing her into a box (not just about gender identity, but in any area!).

[Tigerchild]

I would leave it alone.

IME, K/1st graders often talk about "marriage" and stuff like that because they're figuring out family relationships and talking about it with friends. It has nothing to do with sexual attraction.

It's also normal for kids that are slightly older to feel kind of weirded out by that and to prefer hanging out with the gender they identify most with. Don't judge your 9 year old daughter by the behavior of her younger brother. I have a feeling that in a few years, if you ask him what girl he likes or is going to marry, you'll get a grossed out reaction too.

At most I would say, "Oh sorry, honey, I didn't mean to make you feel like I was teasing you. If you want to talk about it I'm here for you, but lots of girls would rather be with other girls at your age, if you don't like to talk about boys then that's okay."

As others have said--she is likely dealing with a lot of overt and covert pressure in the sexuality department. Just because she pushes back against that does NOT mean that she is gay (not that that would be a bad thing) -- maybe she just is resisting the idea that her life should revolve around faking crushes she doesn't have and become boycentric already. IMO, that is a good thing that she's pushing back. The last thing she needs is you to heap more sexuality pressure (however well meaning) on her by trying to poke and prod her to figure out if she's gay, KWIM?

[aslyn]

Thanx I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy by not going into great detail with her about "relationships" at this point. I def want to be there for her, when shes ready to explore that side of herself..but for now i'll keep my little girl little LOL

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by aslyn

I do know that most of her peers are interested in boys, and I've heard enough girls her age talk about how cute "that" boy is.......... I also wonder if she is feeling pressured by the peer relations about liking boys and having those kinds of interactions happening at school?

Anyone got any thoughts?

Numerous thoughts.

I remember starting to like boys around grade 6 - but I hit puberty early.

As an adult, I usually have fantasies about men, but occasionally about women. I identify as straight, though. Maybe it is a spectrum thing. I would be very careful about labels and I would never apply one to anyone else in this area - just let her know that whatever she is absolutely fine with you.

For the most part I find the whole young boys and girls going out thing to be as much cultural as it is sexual.

There is a girl who frequents the library where I work who is in grade 6 and say she has had the same boyfriend for 3 years.

TBH when I see a young girl (11 or under) who professes to like boys I worry about them. I worry that they are looking for love in the wrong places, or that they are so peer driven that they want a boyfreind to fit in..... Yeah, I just worry.

[gkb2215]

It sounds like you and your husband have made it clear that you love her regardless of whether she likes boys, girls, or both. Her anxiety over this issue sounds like its coming from school. Rather than probe the sexual orientation issue with her (while some kids do know early on, I think many don't have a clear sense of this until they're older), maybe talk to her about her friends' interests in boys, ask how she feels about it, etc.

[nextcommercial]

I'm on the innocent side too..... but, I think nine is still too young to be attracted to anybody.

I remember when my daughter was young, some of her friends were very boy crazy. But, one of those boy crazy girls is a lesbian now at the age of 18. So, I just think nine is too young to know yet.

But, it's awesome that you are open to it. It's a hard thing to be open to sometimes.

[Thalia the Muse]

I think "boy crazy" girls who are between eight and eleven are trying on a role -- one they see around them all the time in the society. I don't think they are actually sexually attracted to the boys, but they want to be grown up and they know that this is a huge part of teenage and adult life, and it's cool to be "mature." And the girls who aren't really into it want to look cool, too.

I remember pretending to have crushes on boys when I was 10 -- it was just what you did.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by gkb2215

It sounds like you and your husband have made it clear that you love her regardless of whether she likes boys, girls, or both. Her anxiety over this issue sounds like its coming from school. Rather than probe the sexual orientation issue with her (while some kids do know early on, I think many don't have a clear sense of this until they're older), maybe talk to her about her friends' interests in boys, ask how she feels about it, etc.

agreed.

I think 9 is young for sexual attraction (but not unheard of) and I think it can be a confusing issue for a child who finds children of the other gender annoying. A lot of 9 year old boys are really annoying, and "not liking boys" when she's 9 doesn't neccessarily mean much about what sort of people she'll want to date when she is older.

When one of my DDs was 9, she stated that "boys are strange, but in kind of a fun way" which I took as her first interset in boys as something other than people to build lego with.

[MusicianDad]

When DD was 9 she didn't like boys, when she was 10 she didn't like boys... Now at 11, she tends towards crushes on adult males more then boys her own age. To her they are just really, really, really immature and not worth it.

I am guessing that she is saying things like this out of exasperation of whats going on with girls her own age at school, rather then an expression of sexual orientation. DD did that too at 9. Just out of nowhere announce that boys are more trouble then they're worth.

As for the PPs who said that 9 would be too young to now, I have to disagree. Most gays, lesbians, bisexuals know from even earlier then age 9. They know they are different and as soon as someone puts a name to what it is they can identify it, and themselves.

[bandgeek]

I think it's very possible she's not gay and just isn't "into" boys yet but maybe the way other kids go on and on about boy/girl stuff bothers her? I felt like that when I was a kid. My friends started talking about boys when we were probably about 9 and I didn't feel comfortable with that until closer to 11. So when they got all ooey gooey over cute boys I just wanted to hide in a hole because I thought I was "behind" my peers. Like they were more socially ahead or something. And they would tease me because of it too.

Just a thought.

I think just talking it out on a continual basis with her should help either way.

[kathymuggle]

nm

[beanma]

I think the next time it comes up I might sort of give her permission to not "like-like" either gender like that. I agree that she may be picking up a vibe from school or her little brother or the media or somewhere that she is supposed to be looking for a potential mate right now. I think letting her know that some kids don't start "liking" or "crushing" or looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend until much later, like high school or college would give her permission to just like girls and/or boys as friends and not have to be thinking in terms of boyfriend/girlfriend. Just let her know that whatever timetable she has for that stuff is fine.

I certainly didn't start "liking" boys until about 6th grade and remember I mostly did it just to be like the other girls. I don't think my brother had a girlfriend until he was in college. My DH, though, had a girlfriend in 1st grade (kissing in the coat closet). My dd1 is 9 and is still very firmly in the little kid not gonna grow up and have a boyfriend or a girlfriend stage. I don't know if she'll be lesbian or straight or bi, but right now she is definitely in the boys are fairly icky camp.

[boobybunny]

Give her time.

My husband and I used to wonder about our daughter.. I still do at times.. when she's walking hand in hand with her best friend and they are singing Melissa Etheridge tunes at the top of their lungs...

Here is what I know. It does not matter one way or the other. She is who she is or isn't no amount of worry, fretting or stressing will force it to happen.


Our daughter met the woman that I loved in a former life and loves her too. We've had the talk, she knows Mom walked the walk.
When she falls in love, she knows that her parents will love and cherish that person..no matter who they are.. as long as they treat her with the love and respect she deserves. That is the most important for you and her to know.

[aslyn]

Thanx again!

We had a very brief light hearted talk with her about it being cool to not like anyone at this point, and if she decides there is someone "special" she wants to tell us about it wont matter to us if its a boy/girl/purple people eater. We love her no matter what and nothing she could ever do will change that. I think most of it is coming from the pressure of school and just being in the midst of our society always needing to define oneself by their mates. I do remember having "crushes" at a very young age, but like all things they passed.

So at this point, we are just taking it 1 day at a time, and letting her decide what is right and when for her.

And FTW I still LOOOVE Melissa Etheridge and I am straight

[mamahart]

I agree with a lot of what others have said...wanted to add that a lot of boys at 9 and 10 are ANNOYING to girls the same age. I actually think they have a tendency to annoy each other. I myself prefer my 10 yr old boys and girls separate because of how wierd they act towards each other. I know this is a HUGE generalization and I had close male friends when I was young and I have a darling son....but. Sometimes I want to marry a girl too. Boys are dirty, especially farmers like my dh

[boobybunny]

Originally Posted by aslyn

Thanx again!



And FTW I still LOOOVE Melissa Etheridge and I am straight

a wink and a giggle should have been put in there... bad attempt at silly humor