Is DD trying to tell me shes gay or is she just not interested in boys??? - Page 2

[lorijds]

There is some great conversation and insight in the responses you've received.

I can't add much, but I thought I would mention my own dd's experience. My dd, at age 11, told me she thought she was a lesbian, and went on to have a girlfriend in 6th grade. She went to a small school, everyone was kind of like "huh" but she and the girl didn't get much crap about it. As far as I can gather, this relationship didn't go much beyond writing sweet little notes and hand holding. I got some great advice on the MDC queer parenting board at the time.

She then went on to junior high. In ninth grade she is now neither boy or girl crazy. Her best friend since infancy is horribly boy crazy, and it annoys my dd to no end, to the point that DD limits her time with her, unfortunately. Most of the girls in her group of friends "like" boys, but only one or two are "in a relationship" at any given time. Several have never had a "boyfriend" or any sort of romantic relationship.

At one point, she told me she felt like being a lesbian was just a passing phase, but that she still doesn't feel really attracted to *anyone*. Our advice was just to not force it, remember to love and respect herself, and to please occasionally keep us posted.

Our youngest dd is now in 6th grade, and can't hardly even watch a movie with any sort of physical activity. Even kissing totally grosses her out. Which I find interesting, since we are a very physical family, with hugging and kissing and cuddling being the norm. Sometimes dh and I worry that dd#2 will never find joy in a physical relationship, but mainly our philosophy with number two is the same as number one: don't force it, just love and respect yourself.

So far so good.

[Jessy1019]

Going on the relationship I have with her now, and my daughter's personality, if she said that, I would straight up ask her, "Does that mean you like girls?" She knows that's okay, we don't really talk about their futures as if they'll necessarily be straight, etc.

I know I wasn't interested in boys at 9, and none of my friends were, either (aside from, like, the New Kids on the Block, most of my friends swooned over them!) Boys in class with us? No thanks. I do remember that there was an older girl in my school, and I thought she was just incredible. To the point that my mom said, "What are you, gay or something?" and really embarrassed me . . . so hey, don't do that.

[Linda on the move]

Totally different thought --

is it possible that your DD is being bullied by some boys?

[aslyn]

ZOMG New kids on the block!! That was a phase I had soooo forgotten about!

Linda on the move: She only tells me that all the kids are nice to her. She did say that nobody really talks to her, she doesn't have any "friends" but nobody is mean to her or anything like that. She did tell us the kids at her old school picked on her BADLY. They had her convinced she had head lice and that she was going to die from it

I will ask her about it though

[vancouverlori]

Oh Aslyn, that's awful about the teasing!

This is an interesting thread. My DD is 15, and still has no interest in boys. And when I've asked her, she says she's not interested in girls either. And she hit menarche 5 years ago. But she does have some vague interest in sex-related stuff. I know she reads yaoi fan fiction stories. (Yaoi is easiest to describe as Japanese light homoerotica marketed to girls.) But she still freaks out about kissing in movies and books. I'm sure having a step-dad contributes to this. She's also very introverted and not all that interested in people in general. Last night (a Saturday) found her watching her math class (online), with no notion that there was anything unusual about that. She has an old friend from elementary school that she goes out with once or twice a year, but that's about it. She's now involved in a school play (she goes to school part-time), and has joined a group organizing some sort of Earth Day event, but otherwise, she's a total homebody.

As for me, I was interested in boys from at least age 6, having some pretty significant crushes along the way. And I didn't even hit menarche until nearly 14. I perhaps was looking for more male attention, as my parents' marriage was less-than-ideal (and my dad was away lots b/c he's a trucker), then he left when I was 11. But I never actually had a real boyfriend until I was in Gr. 11/12, and I've only dated 4 guys total, including both my current and my ex-husband. I think my acne protected me from a lot of things.

My friend, on the other hand, her daughter became her son when he was 13. And it was a pretty obvious thing, since from toddlerhood, everyone who met them thought this child was a boy until they were told the child was female. Now, unless they're told directly, no one knows he was ever anything but a boy.

Overall, I wouldn't sweat it at 9. Being gay can mean a more challenging life in many ways (and not something I would wish on my children), but you're fine with it either way, so it'll all turn out fine in the end. It does certainly sound like your DD is not an average kid (this is a good thing!), and that will create some challenges for her with her peers over the next few years, but that's a completely separate issue.

[zinemama]

This seems way more about not liking boys than about being attracted to girls.

At that age, I couldn't stand boys. They were always making fake farts, teasing me about my lack of coordination, tripping each other up and laughing as though it was the funniest thing, making laser/rocket noises and calling people "spaz." I thought the whole lot of them were awful, ignorant buffoons. Had someone presented the option of marrying a girl down the line instead of one of those horrid creatures, I'd have been all over it, too.

Some of the girls in my class were already doing the "he's so cute" thing. It was incomprehensible to me and made me scorn them. Not only were the boys awful, but the girls were acting as if their behavior was not only ok, but endearing! I thought this was outrageous.

I'm with pp - leave it alone.

[starling&diesel]

I had my first 'girlfriend' when I was nine, but had no idea what 'gay' was. But I knew that I liked girls and had no interest whatsoever in boys.
Here I am, still queer twenty-five years later. So yes, it's possible to know when you're that young ... but what's the point? She's her own person, and always will be, and only time will tell how she lives her sexuality, whatever it is. It's not like it's either/or anyway ... she might find herself all over the spectrum. I believe it's the parents' job not to box our kids in. And sounds like you're keeping it all open, so rock on, mama!

[77sugaree]

I didn't start being interested in boys until I was 16. If someone told me that a boy liked me I would be completely mortified and would keep my head down in case the boy was around and wanted to talk to me. I was really shy and it took me growing out of that before I could even talk to a boy.

[skreader]

My DD is now 14. At 9, I would have been a bit concerned if she had expressed an interest in having a boyfriend, kissing, dating etc.


When she was 12 almost 13, she had a "boyfriend" for a short time. Mostly it meant walking to class together and eating together and talking on the phone. After a month or so, she felt that it was kind of pointless, so she "broke up" with him.

Now at 14, she is not much interested in boys - mostly because she thinks that most boys her age are immature and silly. She is not "interested" in girls either. Mostly she's interested in her studies, sports, reading novels, listening to music, and talking and emailing w/ her friends (who are mostly girls, buy some boys too).

She has a few friends who are boys - neighbors that she and her younger brother hang out w/ or go swimming w/.

She also is reaching the age that she and her friends (boys and girls) will do things like go in a group to see a movie or ice-skate .

In that she resembles me - I had a few tender thoughts about some guys in high school, along the lines of "he's kind of cute" but no real crushes or passions or boyfriends until I got to university.

I think it's far more normal than mainstream culture acknowledges for young teens not to have boyfriends or girlfriends, or even be that "into" love-relationships. Being an adolescent is a very self-absorbing and time-consuming activity.

[Fuamami]

You know, my dd is only 7, but I sometimes wonder if she will be a lesbian. She is kind of "tom-boyish", and she has had several crushes on girls, and I just don't know how normal that is.

Anyway, I decided way back when she was five that I would just use gender-neutral language whenever I talked about her future. Like, "when you grow up and find someone you love and want to marry," not "your husband". Or "the person that you fall in love with", etc. Just in case. I figured it wouldn't hurt either way. I know not everyone in her life will do that, obviously, but at least I can.