How do you live with a lifelong heartache?

[NewMom0208]

I am just starting the process of divorce ater several infidelities and the depresing relization that I married a child. Now 44, he acts as if he was 22, at most. The levels of selfishness and imaturity are incredible.

I have to remind him to provide the diapers and wipes to use when he takes our son on Sundays otherwise he takes from mines. I have to remind him not to walk into my home and my bedroom as if he still lived there. I have to be strong and consisent every time he asks for money to buy baby food or milk to use during visitations. I have to correct him everytime he tries to blame me over and over just to apologize and take it back at the end. I have to try to keep my sanity when he lies even in the face of hard evidence "I am not taking money from you" while holding a freaking dollar. "I am not blaming you" "but this wouldn't have happened if you"

What kills me is that I feel I am on a life sentence of frustration, overvigilance and heartachr. I hear my divorce friends complain loudly about their weekly interactin with their ex for years! Is this my life from now and forever? Full of misery? Is it worth it?

What will I teach my son about life and how to enjoy it?
My friends just say, you learn to live with it, well people in jail learn to live with their realities too, but it doesn't make it any less of a sad existance. And at least they are paying for a crime÷

[JunipersMom]

I struggle with the exact same thoughts. Because of his choices.. MY life is forever altered and out of my control. I say very often "I cant believe this is my life now". I'm just hoping that I can find a graceful way of living a happy and fulfilled life in spite of my status as his ex-wife and mother to his children. <hugs momma>

[Thalia the Muse]

Would it be easier to do the pick-ups at a neutral place, like a park or restaurant, so he can't walk into YOUR home and take YOUR belongings? And that way you can just leave if he starts pestering you?

No one should have to put up with this!

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

Originally Posted by JunipersMom

I struggle with the exact same thoughts. Because of his choices.. MY life is forever altered and out of my control. I say very often "I cant believe this is my life now". I'm just hoping that I can find a graceful way of living a happy and fulfilled life in spite of my status as his ex-wife and mother to his children. <hugs momma>

I cannot tell you how many times this EXACT phrase has come out of my mouth in the last several weeks. That, and "I just want my life back."

The last several days have been filled with his angry accusations of why I am such a horrible person that HE has to do this. In the day time, when he's not yelling at me over Skype (he's deployed), they are ridiculous claims. But at night, or when he's telling me what a terrible person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, lover - whatever I am, it hurts.

I hope at some point, they all take some responsibility for their actions and choices. Or at some point, I just stop caring about it. Otherwise, I'm going to be miserable forever, and I can't do that.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound preachy!!!

((((hugs))))

I think part of your healing process will need to be "I am not responsible for my ex or his actions."

Start by setting boundries and putting things in place to mark those boundries (ways to keep him out of your house/bedroom....life). Unless you allow him to be there for some reason, then you have every right to change the lock and keep him out.

When he starts the blaming and lying you can choose not to respond.
Choose means of communication that document his accusations, but do not respond out of emotion. This is letting yourself get trapped.

Netrual place pick-up/drop-off (as mentioned) would help. Set the tone that he is not welcome in your territory. If he starts his mantra with lies/blaming just simply repeat, "I am not having this converstation any longer." This gives you the power to shut it off. Unless part of you wants to continue these discussions then you have the right to no longer talk about it.

We all wish and hope that exs will take responsibility for their actions/lives, but that doesn't mean we have to sit around and babysit their childish ways while they find their own way.

I believe that your son will learn more from you setting boundries than letting his father invade your new life. You can teach your son that even through heartache you were strong enough to find your happiness again. That's a wonderful life lesson many people are never taught.

When you acknowledge the actions of an ex, you give it some type of power. Right now you feel emotion towards your ex...take that emotion away from him...it's too draining for you.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Love and Hate both stem from the same core: emotional reaction. When you give something Indifference then you take away it's emotional power.

It's not an easy place to come around to, but the longer (and the sooner) you practice "I am not responsible for my ex or his actions.", the better off your heart will be.

What kills me is that I feel I am on a life sentence of frustration, overvigilance and heartachr.

Did you say you have a final decree or not? Just remember that the decree is what you will be living with for years to come. Make sure everything in it is something you can live with come hell or high water and your life won't feel like a life long prison sentence.
I love my decree. It gives me four legs to stand on when my ex is being wishy-washy...because HE has a hard time living his life according to a document he read and signed.

Again, don't let this whole situation take control over you. Control it and you'll feel a big release. I know it's not easy, but it will benefit you big time in the days ahead.

[NewMom0208]

Happily,

You bring me a lot of hope and direction! Answer to my prayers.
I am just starting, I am drafting my desires and using "what you wish you put in your agreement" thread. I am also reading "idiots guide to divorce" and after that I have "his house, her house. Building two homes for your child"
I am looking for a lawyer to have a consultation
I want a mediator to help us out and then have a lawyer review for me.
I also want to read something about how to separate as friends. Just to ensure I did my best.
I wish I had the money for us to go to therapy as co-parents

But back to your wise answer, I will try to identify my options and stop asking him to change or wait for him to do.
I also need to work on eliminating my self pity over the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Thank you!!!

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Aw, more ((hugs)) to you. Self-pity is ok. It's a driving factor in a ton of human actions....just use it as a launching pad rather than a diving board.

All those things you listed are awesome steps to take. Just remember where your level of expectations for him are. You know who he is, what he's not capable of. Go into all those things with room for error...on both parties so that you don't set your self-worth up for failure of spirit.

I had hopes for thereapy and when it didn't work took the blame on myself because I expected too much from my childish ex. We can't change who they are nor do we have any right to. They have a right to be children in their 40s and we have a right to boot them out of our lives.

Peace to you! Give yourself some time during all of this to heal.

[MissLotus]

You have some good goals, and it does, DOES get better! Yes, lots of people complain about their exes (and often rightfully so), but then, many married people complain about their husbands, too. The big things are to:

Set Boundaries: If he acts controlling like that, he does not get to come into your house. Period.

Do Not Engage With Him: Keep things about the kids only. Be consistent about this, because he'll try and try to get you going on other levels. Be boring, be calm, be consistent. Business only. This makes a huge difference over time. It's also a good way to "fake it till you make it" - eventually, you really won't want to engage in his drama.

Since it seems you haven't legally split yet, right now's when it's all up in the air and the most stressful. It's not a good place to be, but you will get through it. Life still does hold happiness for you!

[NewMom0208]

all right

What do I do with the fact that I still love him, yes, despite of everything...
But I am certain I cannot be with him. I dont want to give him another chance to break me down

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

I don't know. I think that part of me will always love my stbx. He will always be part of me. It's hard for me to NOT love him, because for me, this came out of the blue. If there were more bad times, maybe it would be easier.

I guess eventually, it will just get to the point that he will inhabit less and less of your heart. I just know for me, he will always have a piece of it, just for the fact that we have children together.

[meemee]

newmom what you need is time. give yourself TIME. its not a bandaid that you can rip apart in just a second.

this is years you have spent with the person with a lot of hopes. dont expect everything to be hunky dory in just a few days.

time will heal. it always does.

when i was in your shoes - other single mamas told me that too, but being in the pain i was i just could not believe it.

love - ah why do you have to stop it. isnt he still the man you married? there is love and then there is longing for the 'dream' - dream of a partnership, dream of sharing..... the way i looked at it was my ex is still the man i married. he just took away his loving side and shows me his 'evil' side. does that change the fact that i know who he is. yes he bugs me, yes i get angry with him - but deep down i still love the goodness within him that he doesnt show me anymore. it is still there. our relationship is no longer lovers - nor do i ever want it to be that again, but i still love him. there are awesome sides to him that i wish i had. yes he had infidelities too. yes he can be an asshat but i see the good in him that he shows our dd.

that is the other thing. most men are not good with kids. mine didnt do well till dd was 3. he tried but just didnt know how. so he happily had me take care of dd with him visiitng her for really short periods of time. he improved and as much as i was angry with him - i was also giving him time. he did his bit. but to expect him to know what diapers to buy - what size... no clue!!!

dd is 7 and its only THIS year that he finally got it into his head to buy clothes and shoes a size bigger so that she doesnt outgrow them before the month is out.

however he is just part of it.

your journey begins now. give yourself room to heal yourself. dont waste time with what he didnt do. look at yourself. grieve. vent. get angry. drown in self pity. feel these emotions. i look back and those were very momentous times for me. feel all those things because once you heal you will never feel that kind of emotion to that kind of depth again. that deep welling of sadness.

honestly newmom he doesnt break you down. you do. you give him the power to. he too is suffering in his way. he too is trying to deal with this situation. all he can do is take care of himself and the baby. i dont think like you he has anything else to give anyone else. why does your 'happiness' depend on what he does? or any other person for that matter. including your own child.

once we seperated i slowly started working on myself. and slowly i started realising i was spending less and less time thinking about him. those early days were full of what could i do to get him back. even though our relationship had turned nasty.

but once i healed EVERYTHING changed. i moved. new job..... i realised i no longer wanted what he could offer then. mind you our relationship was still nasty. he loved and took great care of dd but he was NASTY to me.

so i started working on myself to see him beyond his nastiness. and everything changed once again. because of my body language i guess and stance (i could only see him as a 4 year old wanting his mama) it took the edge of his nastiness. he wanted a divroce and finally i asked him to leave. he has never forgiven me for it. whatever.

i feel i am at such a better place than he is now. i am happy free. his words and actions dont 'hurt' me anymore. it might piss me off a bit, but i can see the whole picture. all i want out of him is to do the best he can with dd. and that's what he is doing and so i am not complaining.

we all have our own different stories to tell.

you have to create your own journey. just know it is at a v. special place right now. inspite of all the intensity. you have to walk down different paths and discover which one is you. are your old dreams what you want to pursue now? or do you have new dreams to follow?

sister this is one heck of an adventure. it is the best adventure ever. today i am so so so thankful to my ex for wanting to be an ex and treating me the way he did. that sooo helped me find who i really am and give me courage to be who i am.

you will survive. only if you want to. its easy to stay in the 'poor me' phase because anything else is too new and scary. you can continue to be in the victim mentality or you might hold the bull by the horn and 'giddyyp here i come!!!!'

finding your power, the fearless deep woman in you - that is the best gift you can give your child.

[NewMom0208]

Omg, if you havent , you need to get published.
You and happily
At least you could make these words into a pamphelt to hand over to every woman starting this jorney.
I am followig you. I am willing to do my part. May the Lord continue lighting the path this way.
All right then.
I am happy now, not happy if.

I went through our belongings, splitting. He agrred I get firt choice and then he'll ask if I am keeping something he really wants. In that case we are using a mediator to get to a final agreement.

The 'stuff' has taken priority because I need to create the distance and I need my place to be mine. I need new towels and new bedsheets. I am being fair and splitting 50/50 but I am keeping most furniture, he says he is ok with that. He is keeping 90% of cd/dvd collection and so on and so forth, silverware 50/50.

I am happy now,not happy if