Afraid of growing up?

[averlee]

My daughter is turning 3 in a few weeks, but she's not looking forward to it. She has refused my offers to throw her a party, and when I asked if she wants to go to the zoo or out for ice cream to celebrate her birthday, she's said no every time. She also has said, "I don't want to grow bigger", "I want to be tiny again", and "I'm not a big girl, I'm still a baby." Yesterday when I brought it up, she started crying and said, "I don't want it to go my birthday! I don't want to be 3!" And when I've mentioned plans to buy her some really cool presents she she got a worried look and repeated no. I don't know what is going on. I've known a lot of kids and they all are excited about becoming big kids, and especially birthdays! Any insights?

[One_Girl]

Can you get her to any birthday parties between now and the time of her birthday? That may help her change her mind about growing older. My dd was reluctant to grow older until it was close to her birthday and she got to help me hand out the invitations, buy candy and toys for the gift bags, and look at the cakes in the bakery cake book so she could pick out her birthday cake. After that she was very happy to be three and decided she would stay three until it was almost time for her next birthday party.

[fritz]

My DS is about to turn 5, and he still really doesn't like hearing any big boy comments (unless it truly is about how he's growing taller, or his feet are getting bigger).

It's normal. Think about it from your DD's perspective: a baby has it so easy--very few expectations, and somebody else takes care of all her needs/wants. Growing up is kind of scary with the additional expectations and responsibilities. It's a tough transition filled with wanting to stay little and wanting to be bigger, both at the same time. And getting a year older means you're one year closer to dying. That's actually the main reason why my DS doesn't want to talk about getting another year older, b/c he's spent the past six months or so processing the concept of death.

As for a party, if she's normally a super social kid, go ahead if you really can't resist. But if she's more of an introvert, don't bother (or just have it be immediate family). There will be plenty of other birthdays that you can do up big; for now, just try to respect where she's at...and you might even want to wait until after her actual birthday to celebrate it, just so she can see that there's no magical transformation that happens on that one particular day.

For now, don't make a big deal about her upcoming birthday. On her actual birthday, feel free to do something special--cake and presents, or the ice cream cone, whatever traditions you're trying to establish/follow--but in a very laid back, low key, no pressure kind of way. She may be scared that as soon as she turns 3 you're going to expect her to act like a big girl--and she probably doesn't even fully understand what that entails.

[Starflower]

My DD used to do this (although she did still want presents and parties). She will be 7 in a couple months and for the first time, she isn't worried about getting older/bigger. I think it's hard at the younger ages because developmentally there are so many changes going on that seem to coincide with birthdays.

I talked to her about it and we figured out that in her case, she was worried that everything would change when she turned the next age. Like suddenly, everything would be different. And some things were: she couldn't play in the toddler area at the kids' museum after she turned 3, she is now too tall to play at the mall's kid area too. There were certain age-restricted accesses she gained and lost with each birthday.

But now she is realizing that she is still the same person and that she won't automatically change the day of her birthday.

OP - I hope your little one is able to enjoy his birthday.

[averlee]

Thank you all so much for your replies.
One Girl, I especially like the idea of letting her look through the cake book, because she loves the bakery, and might respond and get excited about that. But we got a party supply catalog in the mail yesterday and she was happy to look at it until I suggested she choose something for her birthday...
Fritz and Starflower, I think you're both right, that she's afraid something or everything will change. I wonder if telling her stuff like "We'll still nurse when you're 3" or "even 3 yr olds can sleep in Mama's bed" might ease her anxieties? Are there any good children's books that address a similar issue? Also her dad bought her some scissors and she's extremely proud she can use them, like a big girl.(She's now cutting up the party supply catalog!) She's been coveting scissors for a long time and we put off getting any until she was "old enough". And Fritz, she's pretty social, and LOVES parties- we usually make it to at least 1 every month. So it has struck me as unusual that she'd turn down any opportunity to have a party. That's when I realized something was up.
Also, I'm turning 30 this year, and have some anxiety about it. Kinda weird because it's not the kinda thing I usually care about, I mean come on! How silly! Whether or not she's heard me/picked up on that, it could help me be more sensitive to her feelings about it. I don't want to be pestered about what do I want, what do I want to do, etc. I'm not going to keep bringing it up, and when I do, I'm going to be very casual about it.
Thanks again, and I'd of course love to hear more ideas!

[flitters]

I don't have any real words of advice here, though I will be following this thread. Ds is 5 and has this same issue with growing. There were touches of it before he turned 3, but it really took hold early in his threes (like a previous poster mentioned, when he was really processing about aging and death). He was upset about turning 4, but then accepted it. He turned 5 in November and he knows he has been around the sun five times, but he identifies as a 4 year old and we let him.

He has anxiety issues surrounding change in general, so this is not particularly out of character for him. He almost backed out of his party this year the morning of it because he thought that meant he would have to be 5.

Things that have helped at times are discussing how slow growth happens, like when he observed himself how he doesn't feel it. Every now and then he notes something he will be able to do when he is bigger which we consider encouraging. He also sometimes says he is a medium-little boy instead of just a little boy, which is also progress.

As it is, there is no indication he will turn 6 (or even 5) on his next birthday. We won't rush this issue with him, and I feel relief every time I hear it's normal (especially since so much of what ds worries about *isn't* normal!)

[OTMomma]

I've been through a certain level of this with each of my kids. My ds was complaining about not wanting to turn 3 recently- but today I was looking at his baby book and showed him pictures of himself at his first birthday, and somehow for him, that helped something click. Now all of a sudden he's happy with the idea of turning 3 and having a cake (he's not so much into the party as just the cake). So just thought I'd throw out that looking at pictures from your dd's past birthdays might help.

Peace,

[limabean]

DS didn't want to turn 3 either -- he was really sad about it. I indulged his desire to be babied, looked through baby pictures with him a lot, told him that he'd always be my baby, etc., and eventually he moved past it. I made sure to avoid talking about what a big boy he was, or give him a lot of extra responsibility until he was ready for it. I didn't want him to feel like he was losing something he wasn't ready to give up.

[laohaire]

My kid was fine turning 3 but once she turned 4, she has consistently made it clear that she wants to stay 4. This wasn't just a momentary feeling, she turned 4 in August 2009 and now it's April 2010 and she feels the same way.

As I understand it, she also is afraid of big, sudden changes. She seems quite reassured when I tell her it will take a LONG, LONG time for her to grow up. (In my head, I think "it's going to go like a flash for me" but I remember it going very slowly as a kid myself). I have explained that nothing special happens on her birthday, she doesn't grow any more on that day than she does on any other day, but it's just a day to celebrate her.

She, too, doesn't seem to mind comments about her getting bigger or taller or having mastered a new skill.

But she still doesn't want to turn 5. I just drop it If she said she didn't want a party, I'd not have a party. (It's too far from August for me to be worried about that question yet). I think she'll just work through it one way or another.

[averlee]

Wow, everybody, thanks! I guess I didn't realize this is such a common, normal thing. Flitters, I love how you mention relating the age to astronomy- my kiddo loves the sun & moon and she'll be delighted to talk about how many times we've gone around the sun. OTMomma, I'm definitely going to show her the pictures from her last birthday, what a great idea. Turning 2 was a blast and nothing frightening happened afterward...brilliant! Limabean, doing the extra babying has been my instinct, and I've totally laid off the "big girl" talk. Her new skills/privileges with scissors come with some responsibility, but I'm letting her take the lead with that, as well as her new self-designated position as household washcloth monitor (she sorts, folds, & puts them away). Laohaire, that it takes a long time to grow up is a good thing to point out to her. And also that the birthday is a day to celebrate her, rather than just the age changing. And yeah, I believe her, if she says she doesn't want a party. That's fine, I've let that go.
Although....Yesterday while she was playing with some farm animal toys she was happily chattering away and I heard her say: "When I grow up I'm gonna be a big woman like my mama... I'm gonna live in Canada and drive a pink car when I'm bigger... At my birthday we're all going to the zoo and all you guys are bringing my presents there... But first I need a haircut." I think she's starting to work it out a little! I think your suggestions have begun to help already! Thank you so, so much!

[Lolafanana]

I have been like this my whole life and still am. I had a serious freak out when I turned 10 because that meant I was double digits and "old"! My mom was not sympathetic and often made me feel bad about. I just wished that she would have told me all the great things about being my age and just reassured me that I was beautiful the way I was. I remember crying at age 5 because I was 5 years older to dying (seriously) and I still have trouble with birthdays to this day (and it's next week, too!). I have had to take anti-anxiety meds at times because i get myself so worked up about it and start to freak myself out.

I am not saying that to you to upset you but to tell you things that would have made it easier for me at least. Growing up, it would've made all the difference if my parties were low key and not built up for weeks before. To deal with the death aspect, I WISH my parents would have explored religion with me and maybe talked about the afterlife a bit to reassure me about it. By ,most of all, it would have been awesome to be told, "it' ok" to feel this way. this brings back so many memories that this is even hard to type about.