traveling for work, and, well, my downright stress-causing husband - Page 3

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

DH says I am overly sensitive and who made me such a princess that my ears can't take that.

But, seriously, husbands don't call their wives tw@ts, typically, right? Where did DH even learn that term? I lived most of my adult life never knowing of it nor hearing it.

Just - no.

My husband has never called me any kind of name. He has said he was angry or that something I did sucked. But he has never, ever called me a derogatory name. Ever. Not at 4 am after being up arguing all night. Never. And if he did, princess wouldn't come close to covering my response.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Well, I am extremely lucky in that I have an employer-contributed retirement at 100%. The perks of my job really are quite good.

So, I've never contributed from my salary for retirement. Of course, our wages are based on that fact, that retirement is 100% funded, and so the wages are a bit less than I might make somewhere else in the same type of job.

Very nice perk, you are lucky

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Caneel

Very nice perk, you are lucky

Thank you. Yes, I know. I am really lucky to have the job I have. Yeah, I can't go full time based on the funding, and yeah, I have to travel and the meetings are so tough, and yeah there is a lot of stress.

But...the benefits really are top notch. Great health insurance, 100% employer funded retirement, a good amount of paid time off, flexibility, really smart co-workers who are very admirable people doing good work for a good cause, a mission at work that I truly believe in, a job where the bottom line is not just about money, and a really great boss who I truly like and admire (and don't want to let down...).

It's a great job.

It's just not a good fit for me at this time in my life. Or so it feels nearly every day.

[Smithie]

Sometimes, life's big problems can be solved via craigslist. Or coabode.

Seriously, partnering with a woman in your situation would be a godsend to a SAHM of young kids who had herself a place to live, but very little cash coming in. What you are currently paying a daycare might well be ALL the money she needs to cover her monthly bills, and since you wouldn't have the burden of rent, you could stay above water while child support was being worked out.

It's not a common thing to do, but I really think you might find a way to move out if you teamed up with another like-minded mom. You are not exactly the only woman in the world who is looking to move on from a toxic relationship and wondering how to make ends meet when she leaves...

Best of luck to you.

[Shakti77]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

Thank you. Yes, I know that is part of it. I'm really worn down by the name calling, the sexualized name calling. I don't know why it is getting to me so much. My husband uses the word "tw@t" a lot, directed at me. I was unfamilar with this term until recently (naiive, I know). I looked it up. It's another sexualized swear / slang word. He uses them all to me. I can't imagine calling him the male equivalents. Those words are just not in my vocabulary...ever. I swear too sometimes, but I always use the generalized, gender neutral, everyday swear words that would be allowed in a PG movie. I just can't figure out why if DH is mad he can't call me a jerk or even a dumba@@s wouldn't hurt my feelings and make me question everything about him and the marriage, and feel so stuck as the sexualized swear words. They impact me so deeply, and I wish they wouldn't, but they do. They are devastating to hear, not so much that I internalize them and believe what he is saying to me, but that this man I am married to, with whom I share the raising of a child, and with whom the last 15 years of my financial life is intertwined with, has become this monster who lofts these sexualized swear words.

At any point of my life, I would have been turned off from someone who spoke this way, and I would have avoided contact with them deliberately on just that basis alone.

DH says I am overly sensitive and who made me such a princess that my ears can't take that.

But, seriously, husbands don't call their wives tw@ts, typically, right? Where did DH even learn that term? I lived most of my adult life never knowing of it nor hearing it.

No! Husbands don't cal their wives that. That is what abusers do. You know... I feel that if your stay for another 1 and half yrs like you mentioned before, there will be nothing much of you left to recover. Really! This guy sounds like a piece of work! You are not overly sensitive, you are normal. This is how abusive men break their women down. Seriously, get your hands on that book ' In sheep's clothing' and read it top to bottom. Please? It is about how to stand up for yourself against passive aggressive mentality (which is putting the blame on others and breaking them down and making it all seem like it is the abused's fault!). Is sounds like it fits your husband's profile perfect.

Usually I'm all for healing relationships, giving another chance and working things out, but this situation warrants getting out right now for saving your sanity. Also, write down abusive instances that happened before with dates, financial stress that YOU handled, write it all down. You will need it sooner or later.

About the work, would it be possible to talk to your boss that you are going through some stressful situation in personal life and that you would like to step down a position for a year or two. That will help you work at your level of comfort without stretching yourself too thin. If this works, then that will bring down your stress level. Meanwhile keep looking for another job that fits your profile. goodluck!

There are women shelters everywhere - call around and find a counselor. I hope you don't have to go there, but the counselor's there are well educated in handling abusive cases - both physical and emotional. Talking to someone who is more qualified, will give you some strength to deal with this.

Also, if your benefits at work pay for therapy or individual counseling, then I'd highly recommend it. you need it, mama!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Shakti77

No! Husbands don't cal their wives that...You are not overly sensitive, you are normal.

Well, that is what I would have thought! Seriously, I do not think men go around saying these words to anyone, including their wives, in private when they are angry.

My DH begs to differ, though.

He's said it so many times. "You don't know what other husbands say privately." "Men use those words when they are mad. I use those words when I am mad." He says that all the time.

Last night he was trying to justify his constant use of the B word by saying that it's used pervasively on reality television and in movies, and it's become so common-place that they don't even bleep it out anymore on cable or network tv.

And I found myself saying and thinking, yeah, but it's not so much the B word that bothers me as the others that start with w, c, and t that you have used again and again. I don't ever hear those words on television.

And you know what? I don't even really like the fact that the B word is so desensitized on tv and in DH's mind that I would have a conversation like that with him.

I stand by my convictions about word choice and the vocabulary that is at the tip of your tongue during a heated moment. I NEVER use male sexualized derogatory words. Never. It never even occurs to me to use them. They are not on the tip of my tongue where I just need to restrain myself. Those words are just not there, not in my mind, ever.

And for DH, it seems like maybe if those female derogatory words are so easily found and used by him in a heated moment and he thinks they are desensitized in pop culture, perhaps he needs to edit his tv and movie watching and reading material.

Maybe I'm pretty naiive and PG-rated, but I'd never really even heard the c or w words used that often in real life until DH pulled them out about 5 years ago. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never heard anyone else say the c word and I know I've never heard anyone else use the t word. Never. And I'm in my thirties. Those two words aren't even in movies I watch.

It makes me wonder what DH is watching or reading at night when he goes into his own room and shuts the door. Seriously.

[Hannah32]

That's awful. My hubby and I do not call each other those sorts of names. We might jokingly use the "b" word towards each other, but it's always in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way, not seriously. And like I said, it goes both ways.....

What you're experiencing is emotional abuse, if you ask me.

[laohaire]

No, you're not crazy.

I've had some issues with words from my husband for a while (he has STOPPED with that BS, thank god) but no, they never included b, and certainly never c or t or w. I don't think the latter 3 words have EVER been spoken in my house, not in jest, not in anger, not even on the TV set. (b, yeah, occasionally - but not at each other, and I've used it myself too).

My husband's father was abusive. Abusers do that stuff, and they teach it to their children.

Men don't do that, not unless they are abusive. I am quite certain my father has never spoken any of those words, not even b. Ever.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Hannah32

That's awful. My hubby and I do not call each other those sorts of names. We might jokingly use the "b" word towards each other, but it's always in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way, not seriously. And like I said, it goes both ways.....

What you're experiencing is emotional abuse, if you ask me.

Originally Posted by laohaire

No, you're not crazy.

I've had some issues with words from my husband for a while (he has STOPPED with that BS, thank god) but no, they never included b, and certainly never c or t or w. I don't think the latter 3 words have EVER been spoken in my house, not in jest, not in anger, not even on the TV set. (b, yeah, occasionally - but not at each other, and I've used it myself too).

My husband's father was abusive. Abusers do that stuff, and they teach it to their children.

Men don't do that, not unless they are abusive. I am quite certain my father has never spoken any of those words, not even b. Ever.

Sigh.

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel, and it's essentially what I have said over and over again to him.

He's been using the b word, c word, w word towards me for at least 5 years. And about two years ago he started with the t word in the mix, and a few other "colorful" sayings. It's always the sexualized, derogatory, demoralizing words that bother me the most.

As I've said, it's not that I think I am those things or that I've ever given cause to DH to use them in an accurate way. I have never cheated, he is the only partner I've ever had. Just saying', factually, he's off. And that is why he says they don't matter. "You know you aren't actually a w so why does it bother you? I said it because I was mad and men say those things when they are mad."

I've tried to set the ground rules for arguing with me. I don't really mind too much if he uses words like jerk or even actual swear words from time to time like "you are acting like such an a$$ today..." or loser or something along those lines. It gets the point across...he doesn't like something or he's mad, but it's so much less coarse, violent, intrusive, belittling, and sexual than the words he always trots out.

It's sort of like, if DH has the tv on, and there's a movie on and it has some language, I don't really mind if my pre-schooler overhears words like jerk or loser on tv.

Now, if it were an X rated movie, I would run to turn the tv off or turn the channel.

I see major differences in the categories of those words.

DH does not and he'll argue the point, and has, over and over again. And sometimes that is more demoralizing to me than the actual words he lofts - that he either doesn't see the difference or he's minimizing purposely what he has said.

Thank goodness my child has never picked up on any of those particular words and has never repeated them...yet. And that is why I really plead with DH to just use jerk or something along those lines.

[That Is Nice]

The other thing that I just thought of with regard to DH and his use of the female derogatory words is that when DH was in high school and in college (more high school though) he ran with a group of friends that included mostly guys but a few sort of "tough" girls. They smoked, drank, dressed in a very masculine way with backwards hats, etc, and they swore left and right and were just generally very coarse (my guess now as an adult and parent is that they were dealing with some inner pain or issues at home that they were covering up, and I don't mean to stereotype, I'm just talking about these particular girls who ran in the same circle as my then-teenaged DH). The way they joked was almost always in sexual terms. There was always teenage kind of joking and smirking about really "teenage taboo" topics like beastiality, etc. It was small town, unenlightened, teenage rebellion.

Anyway, I think those girls had no problem with some of the words DH uses now. And I think DH has a frame of reference from that. Perhaps. I think this based on reading through some of DH's high school year books, the backs of school pictures given to him, and letters, etc. It was all swear words, references to alternative sexual positions, beastiality, etc.

I had a VERY different experience in high school, and didn't hang with that sort of crowd. I don't have any notes, pictures, yearbooks from high school where anyone scribbled THOSE sort of messages with THAT sort of language or themes. None of the people I knew spoke that way or talked or joked about those things.

But DH thought and thinks those people were/are "cool." (And to each their own, they can talk and act how they want, but that isn't how I was then or now, and I wonder if that was just a symptom of wanting to fit in as teenagers and if they have grown up a bit since then).

He also thinks those people had "good senses of humor." Since DH and I have known each other, since the early days of dating, he always said or felt that I was a little bit prissy, Goody two-shoes, and had no sense of humor because I didn't like the sexual and taboo banter. I found it to be, well, stupid and I just wasn't comfortable with it.

But, he still married me and I still married him. And I was fine up until he started calling me those names. But, to be honest, I've never really liked the idea that DH would laugh at very crude jokes, could watch movies that were demoralizing to women, bought pornography, etc. I've never liked that aspect of him.

So, I guess, in a way while I'm shocked at his use of these words as names for me or any other person, I'm not shocked that he thinks they are common-lace and that I am some Puritanical princess for not liking, tolerating, or dismissing them easily when he uses them.

If I'd only known 10 or 15 years ago what I know today...

[Prairiemother]

TIN,

I was following your previous thread about mental sharpness and then I got too busy with work and life to continue... but I wanted to check in to see how things are going for you. I've read this post now, and I agree with everyone who has talked about your strengths. You really are an impressive lady! I believe that once you have a plan, clearly formulated, you will carry it out successfully. That doesn't mean that everything will go the way you want, or that you won't have to make sacrifices, but you will gain a sense of power over your life, whatever your choice. That is the key - if you choose to stay with this man, do so knowing what it will bring - and knowing that it is a choice. Not an easy one. I don't mean to diminish it at all. It is a tough choice to make. The reason I talk about choice is that it is the way for you to rise above the situation. I was tempted to say "what he is putting you through", but that gives him power. He is what he is. Don't let that affect you. You have so much worth. He can't touch that.

If you choose to go, you can have a plan in place - and it sounds like you may be drafting one now. I had a couple thoughts on childcare. Others have suggested joining community organizations. This is a bit of a long-term investment, but it may get you the IRL connection to that SAHM who really would provide the care you need, someone you get to know and trust without it being about childcare. Networking can pay off in many ways. You may have very little time for that, but it's an investment to consider. Another idea - when you travel, your hotel may offer babysitting services during the day. You would not have to entrust your child to anyone over night that way.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Prairiemother

TIN,

I was following your previous thread about mental sharpness and then I got too busy with work and life to continue... but I wanted to check in to see how things are going for you. I've read this post now, and I agree with everyone who has talked about your strengths. You really are an impressive lady! I believe that once you have a plan, clearly formulated, you will carry it out successfully. That doesn't mean that everything will go the way you want, or that you won't have to make sacrifices, but you will gain a sense of power over your life, whatever your choice. That is the key - if you choose to stay with this man, do so knowing what it will bring - and knowing that it is a choice. Not an easy one. I don't mean to diminish it at all. It is a tough choice to make. The reason I talk about choice is that it is the way for you to rise above the situation. I was tempted to say "what he is putting you through", but that gives him power. He is what he is. Don't let that affect you. You have so much worth. He can't touch that.

If you choose to go, you can have a plan in place - and it sounds like you may be drafting one now. I had a couple thoughts on childcare. Others have suggested joining community organizations. This is a bit of a long-term investment, but it may get you the IRL connection to that SAHM who really would provide the care you need, someone you get to know and trust without it being about childcare. Networking can pay off in many ways. You may have very little time for that, but it's an investment to consider. Another idea - when you travel, your hotel may offer babysitting services during the day. You would not have to entrust your child to anyone over night that way.

Thanks so much! Good ideas. I think the next time I have to travel I will look into hotel child care. I have seen it listed at a number of hotels I've stayed at.

Thanks for the other things to, and for the comments about my worth, which are always nice to hear, right? Everyone needs that from time to time as a reminder.

Thank you, and have a really nice day!

[A&A]

Originally Posted by That Is Nice

If I'd only known 10 or 15 years ago what I know today...

"When you know better, you do better." (Maya Angelou).

I echo the sentiment of checking out www.coabode.com

[texmati]

TIN, I don't have much to chime in with. I hope that you are squirreling money away. I remember your objections for doing so in the past. Perhaps if you thought of your self getting 'paid' for days like these where you are doing the bulk of heavy lifting in childcare, housecare, ect.

And for the ugly words.... you and your son deserve, so, so, so very much better. Apart from the ugliness of them-- most husbands would stop just on the basis that it was hurting someone they love.

As for joining a church-- I was thinking of going to a LLL meeting for kind of the same purpose-- meeting like-minded mama's. Perhaps a parenting group like that would be a way to start building a support system.

[MissLotus]

My ex liked to use degrading language too. And I could not believe that not only did someone think it was okay to say those things to me, but it was my husband saying them. The father of my child. Of all people in the whole planet. He should be my biggest fan, not my biggest detractor! So, no.

Don't try to make him see the light, just anytime he starts in with that garbage, shut off. Don't respond. He already knows exactly what's wrong with it (and even if he didn't, I'm sure you don't really want to be with anyone that numb or thoughtless or vile). Just be done with him emotionally and make your plans. You already know what he is. (And this is none of my business but I personally not intimate with people who could say such things to me.) You are too good to waste another moment clarifying anything to him. Let him talk into the wind. Yes, it's horrible to have to hear those things under any circumstance. But those things are not about you, they are about his own ugliness, and you can't change that. You can change your situation, you can say (in your head, or out loud if you like!) that due to his behavior, he will not be your husband for much longer. If he mocks you for your "sensitivity", then you can say, maddeningly calm, "Okay, well, since you think so little of me, you'll be very relieved that we won't be married much longer." If/when you're ready to spill that info, that is. Just don't get emotional and don't engage. It took years of consistency, in my case, but my ex finally quit that garbage. He's still a huge pain in some other ways, but he knows that verbal abuse gets an instant hang up, a door shut, zero response.

Get out of there and let this guy talk to the wall.

[That Is Nice]

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[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

My ex liked to use degrading language too. And I could not believe that not only did someone think it was okay to say those things to me, but it was my husband saying them. The father of my child. Of all people in the whole planet. He should be my biggest fan, not my biggest detractor! So, no.

I'm very sorry you lived with that. Thank you so much for your post.

[That Is Nice]

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[FunkSoulMommy]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Sometimes, life's big problems can be solved via craigslist. Or coabode.

I TOTALLY second coabode... It really can be a life saver... Another option and one I employed myself after my coabode experience was to find a college student who really needed a place to crash and was willing to provide child care in exchange... Now it may seem like this would be an uneven exchange, but I "payed" about 300 less a month covering her part of rent and frugal meals than I was spending paying for daycare for my job.

Did it suck a little sometimes? yes... am I convinced my son & I are much much much better off now that we are not with my ex husband..... oh gawd yes!!!

It is scary, I know... but I did it at 23 without having completed college, still trying to fit in classes, & only being able to get a job selling fridges at sears... I took some hits in my pride, but there is help to get out of situations like this... you just have to want it bad enough.

& please remember all the things your child will learn by the time kindergarden starts from seeing you treated this way... THAT in my mind is completely unacceptable!!!!

so many hugs to you....

& I dont remember where you are, but if you ever want any help finding assistance, feel free to PM me... that used to be my job & I would be more than willing to help scope out the options for you long distance if you dont have friends who you could trust to do it who also have the free time... (I know I couldn't have had calls like that on my phone bill for the ex to see)...

[Jane]

I really like you, TIN. You're well spoken (well, written), a sweet caring person, a good mom, and you really think things through. I wish your husband cherished you the way you should be cherished.

To add to your survey, my husband has never used those words in anger. Those words are even part of our vocabulary (in a mock-horror kind of way) but not part of our anger/fighting vocab.