April Fools in Love....or just plain old Fools?? - Page 4

[Butterflymom]

muse - (((((hug))))))


That's all I can say. grumble grumble grumble I have been getting played lately myself. Sigh.

[mumblemama]

wow muse, that really sucks. and is a big reason i dislike the online/distance thing, it seems so easy to be mistaken. so sorry.

[sugarmoon]

Ugh.

((Muse))

((Butterfly))

((Seie))

((Mumble))

April has been a rough month!

Holland, glad to see you back, and in good spirits!

Mumble, you know, I think that you are actually handling things just fine. Life is complicated, and love certainly is, and I think you are being as ethical as anyone can be in a situation like that.

Things are good over here. ATG continues to demonstrate that he really does still want to be in my life, which makes me happy. I haven't seen Photoguy since Friday when he came over, but we've gmail chatted a bunch, and hopefully I'll see him this weekend..

All in all, I'm feeling really content with my life. I'm realizing that I am STILL not really able to focus on myself in the way that I need to if I am in a relationship...since things ended with ATG, I have gotten back on track with exercising, dieting, working on my career path to midwifery...I got this huge surge of energy from the relationship ending. So weird. But tells me that I NEED to take care of somethings in my life, before i get involved, in a smitten way, again, and I need to keep working on my ability to put my own life and plans first..I did better, way better, with ATG than I have with anyone else, but not well enough, apparently.

And in bizarre news, Complications just showed up as live in my gmail chat list...so weird. He only used gmail for online dating, had it set up to auto forward to his microsoft outlook. I resisted the urge to say hi to him though, and now he's gone again...just makes me wonder what is going on in his life.

[muse]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

But tells me that I NEED to take care of somethings in my life, before i get involved, in a smitten way, again, and I need to keep working on my ability to put my own life and plans first..

This is a great lesson and reminder...need to hold onto this myself.

butterflymom, i'm sorry..sucks.

I have never ever been in a relationship before that had any hint of manipulation or abuse. it's baffling to me how i got hooked into this. my first relationship after my first divorce (i married and divorced the same man twice...) was so wodnerful and healthy...and ultimately my marriage was incredibly loving and healthy, it just didn't work.

so why the attraction to someone so clearly messed up and unable to love?

and now i'm wondering wtf is wrong with me, because i still couldn't officially end this. i wrote a long letter on sunday saying goodbye, but couldn't send it. we've been texting this week and today i got a f***ed up email from him, and i don't know why i even bothered but i just responded. i truthfully don't know why i keep communictaing with him, and why it hurts so much to think of totally losing the connection when he's shown himself to be who he is. this is not the usual *me*...

man, he told me in his email that he isn't an active member on match right now, but i can see his profile on there and it says active in last 24 hrs. wtf?

[MsChatsAlot]

Be gentle with yourself muse.

Having a great distance in between makes it easier to focus on the stuff you like the most and sort of forget the parts you don't like so much. If you were together daily, these things would have surfaced a long time ago and you would have been gone, but with the distance, it's easier to just not think about it and focus on what you are benefitting from and liking about the relationship.

It feels good to have someone to talk to, it feels good having a connection with someone and with the distance, it's not like you are having to face this other side on a daily basis...so it's easier to focus on the part that works and keep going with it. It's hard to let go of even a small part of what we want, even if we know there's a bigger part of what we don't want attached to it. Typically, we wait until the big part is so big we can no longer ignore it and then we feel we have to move on. With the distance, it can take longer.

If you're still in it, there's a reason. Ask yourself what that is? What are you getting from this? When are you willing to let go of hanging on to it so tightly that you can watch it go so that you can close the door on this situation with him and turn around to see what you do want, coming in through the window?

Whatever you are liking, it's strong enough to keep you there for the moment. It's not good or bad...it just is. Just know that you can have that part you like with someone else in a happier, healthier and closer way. Sometimes we have to let go and be willing to lose it, in order for us to really have it. And sometimes working through these things takes time and we have more to figure out and learn before we are ready to move on.

There is value for you in this experience and there is a gift there for you too.

[mumblemama]

sugarmoon, glad to hear you're focusing on yourself.

muse... sorry sweetie, but you just need to let that man go! yuck.


whatever. keeping my "love life" private for a while.

[ilanaRose]

Question for all:

1) How often do you go OUT on a date?
2) With or without kids?
3) What do you DO?
4) For those limited to night times when the kiddos are asleep, what activities do you do?
5) does your date ever offer to help pay for a sitter? lol just a thought...

[ilanaRose]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

Be gentle with yourself muse.
If you're still in it, there's a reason. Ask yourself what that is? What are you getting from this? When are you willing to let go of hanging on to it so tightly that you can watch it go so that you can close the door on this situation with him and turn around to see what you do want, coming in through the window?

Whatever you are liking, it's strong enough to keep you there for the moment. It's not good or bad...it just is. Just know that you can have that part you like with someone else in a happier, healthier and closer way. Sometimes we have to let go and be willing to lose it, in order for us to really have it. And sometimes working through these things takes time and we have more to figure out and learn before we are ready to move on.

There is value for you in this experience and there is a gift there for you too.

Wow this rings so true for me right now!!! I am clinging to a relationship that is missing several components because in general I'm having a good time and don't want to miss those good times. Thanks for this reminder...its hard to let go when you don't have anything (or anyone) worth rebounding with lol... to let someone go and then be totally alone is scary but necessary...

[muse]

MsChatsaLot those are some wise wise words. thank you.

So now I see it all clearly for what it is and am ready to cut it. But i'm discovering i have no idea how to. Do i write him an email explaining, telling him what has bothered me in his communication, do i just say i'm done..

I don't know how best to do it without being either too passive or too antagonistic. He may have already got the message from my last email, or decided he's done, but i feel the need to make it explicit or this will drag on and drag me down, and like you say there won't be space for anything new to come in.

[attachedmomto3]

ok so i finally have something to post about....ive been on 2 dates with lets call him mr. electrician last nite was our 2nd. the first one i asked him out for drinks and at the end of that nite he asked me out for last nite....well last nite was a blast...i met a ton of his friends and we had a great time...a nice good nite kiss. but no plans were made for a next time....hmmmm...i sent him a txt when i got home and said i had a lot of fun and we should do it again soon...he replied "im glad u had fun. i did too. im sleepy. sweet dreams." what does that mean????? now im all self conscious that he's not interested anymore...opinions PLEASE!!

[MsChatsAlot]

Don't read too much into it yet. Wait and see if you hear from him in the next day or so. If you don't...time to move on. I'm glad you had a fun two dates.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by attachedmomto3

what does that mean????? now im all self conscious that he's not interested anymore...opinions PLEASE!!

It is rather noncommital and he's cutting off a txt exchange by saying that he is going to sleep but he could also just be sleepy and out of it. It's a bit of a waiting game really.

I can't believe I'm saying this as I asked my ex out the first time AND asked him to marry me...

Sometimes a bit of mystery about how you think/feel is a good thing. I do think there is some truth to the "He's Just Not that Into You" .

Personally, I would back off. Wait for him to contact you. Then take just a bit of time to respond--not days or anything, just don't respond instantly. If he doesn't contact you, is he really someone you want to go out with again?

[muse]

attached mom i would also wait it out. decide how many days you want to wait and also decide what it is you want to hear form him.

ha can't believe i can even consider giving advice after my last relationship experience. but it's taught e a lot about emotional boundaries and setting expectations.

i sent CG an email friday night cutting it off, very simple and clear, and wishing him peace. i got a text at 4.30am saying "your decision is very very disappointing and heartbreaking" and also wishing me peace, commending me for my work. the sweet loving side of him that hasn't been around the past few weeks. F***.

of course that ripped my heart open and i stupidly sent him a text saying more about wishing him the best, sending love and gratitude for our connection..i know i know..i got a response immediately in which he was really outraged that i would break it off and then send him "goodness and light". his last line "please let me grieve".

i get it, and i wrote back saying i understood and apologized. but seriously it is *all* about him, all the time, and it's all as if i'm doing somethign awful toh im, he had no responsibility in it. it bothers me that our last communication is *me* apologizing to *him* after his pretty outrageous emails to me.

and, ha, in his "grief" he was back on match yesterday.

anyway, clearly i gotta work on *LETTING IT GO*.

this is my weekend without the kiddos, so i'm meditating, yoga, cleaning, gardening, crying...hoping that soon i will feel even more space open up and be able to consider looking for someone new.

technical q, if i put my profile back on match is there anyway to block him so we don't have to keep seeing each other on there?

[attachedmomto3]

thanks so much mamas!! i just dont know how to do this anymore lol

he txt last nite to see how my weekend was...we r gonna hang out later in the week

[sugarmoon]

Originally Posted by muse

attached mom i would also wait it out. decide how many days you want to wait and also decide what it is you want to hear form him.

ha can't believe i can even consider giving advice after my last relationship experience. but it's taught e a lot about emotional boundaries and setting expectations.

i sent CG an email friday night cutting it off, very simple and clear, and wishing him peace. i got a text at 4.30am saying "your decision is very very disappointing and heartbreaking" and also wishing me peace, commending me for my work. the sweet loving side of him that hasn't been around the past few weeks. F***.

of course that ripped my heart open and i stupidly sent him a text saying more about wishing him the best, sending love and gratitude for our connection..i know i know..i got a response immediately in which he was really outraged that i would break it off and then send him "goodness and light". his last line "please let me grieve".

i get it, and i wrote back saying i understood and apologized. but seriously it is *all* about him, all the time, and it's all as if i'm doing somethign awful toh im, he had no responsibility in it. it bothers me that our last communication is *me* apologizing to *him* after his pretty outrageous emails to me.

and, ha, in his "grief" he was back on match yesterday.

anyway, clearly i gotta work on *LETTING IT GO*.

this is my weekend without the kiddos, so i'm meditating, yoga, cleaning, gardening, crying...hoping that soon i will feel even more space open up and be able to consider looking for someone new.

technical q, if i put my profile back on match is there anyway to block him so we don't have to keep seeing each other on there?

((((Muse))))) I would've responded the same way, I totally understand!

I am pretty sure there is a way to block someone on Match. I don't know how, off the top of my head, but I think I've noticed a block option in the past.

Things are quiet here..haven't seen photoguy since the night he came over last weekend. We chatted fairly frequently on gmail over the week, but he was always busy if I suggested getting together. Who knows? I'm backing waaaaaaaaaaaay off with him, at this point. The whiskey was great, and I'll do it again, if he wants to put some effort in, but if not? I'm movin' on...

ATG is continuing to be my friend in a real way, which makes me happy. We had coffee together, at his place, on Friday am, and he continues to initate emails and chats, which makes me happy. I still very much feel that the burden of initiating contact/actually acting like a friend, is on him, so it is making me v. happy that he is doing it.

Oh, anyone remember Jester, my neighbor from last spring? I found out recently that he is getting married, to the woman he had just started seeing, right when he and I were hooking up! I am truly happy for him, but it also really is just making me wonder, what IS it, that I am always seeing these guys right up until the *moment* they are dating the person they'll end up being serious with????

[muse]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

but it also really is just making me wonder, what IS it, that I am always seeing these guys right up until the *moment* they are dating the person they'll end up being serious with????

i don't have the answer sugarmoon but maybe there is a gift you are giving them somehow that enables them to grow intoa place where they are ready for a committed relationship? maybe you and they weren't 'meant to be' long term but there's something you both got from it that you can take into the next thing?

((hugs)) back.

attachedmom, yay!

~~~

right now i'm reading the best book i've ever read on relationships and intimacy and it's so incredibly helpful, i highly recommend. it's getting me to a place of peace with both my marriage(s) and this past break up, and also helping me get clearer about what i want in the future..

http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Mates-Tho.../dp/0060925752

[sugarmoon]

Originally Posted by muse

i don't have the answer sugarmoon but maybe there is a gift you are giving them somehow that enables them to grow intoa place where they are ready for a committed relationship? maybe you and they weren't 'meant to be' long term but there's something you both got from it that you can take into the next thing?

((hugs)) back.

attachedmom, yay!

~~~

right now i'm reading the best book i've ever read on relationships and intimacy and it's so incredibly helpful, i highly recommend. it's getting me to a place of peace with both my marriage(s) and this past break up, and also helping me get clearer about what i want in the future..

http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Mates-Tho.../dp/0060925752

I do think it is something like that, Muse. My exh even SAID that to me, as he was leaving me for someone else, that being with me had taught him how to love uke. Complications, I was seeing, on and off, and our last time together that involved talking politics was between his 1st and 2nd date with the woman he has now been dating for over a year, Jester, same thing, we hooked up after his 1st date with the woman he is now marrying (he and I were super casual, we only got together 2-3 times in all, anyway...), ATG, same thing, we went not-exclusive, he went on a couple of dates, met the woman he is now dating...

Gah. I do think there is something to it, but I want to date someone who wants to be with *ME*! I was talking to a friend about it this weekend -- I date all these people, like ATG, who seem to really really like me, and want me in their lives, in an ongoing way, but in the end, not as a girlfriend.

It also may just be the 4 kids thing. I dunno. I'm actually more okay with it if it is the 4 kids thing -- obviously, there's nothing I can, or would, do to change the fact that I have 4 kids!