Dealing with falling performance after having kids?

[bluedaisy]

I've always been a perfectionist/overacheiver type and used to put 110% into grad school and work.

Now, I have a 16 mo dd and i work only 15 hr/wks. I have a home office and dd can come to some meetings/events with me so she's with me most of the time.

I do fine at my job - my boss has never complained about my performance or anything - but I just know I could be doing so much more if I had more time/energy/focus. I have so many great ideas for work that just never happen.

It's hard to focus on work when my dd is there, and I've had so many situation where I've felt torn between giving attention to my sick/teething/fussy/overtired baby and doing something that needs to be done for work.

Anyway, I guess my perfectionistic tendencies are just causing me to be hard on myself because I feel like I could be doing so much more, but my priority is now my dd and i'm not willing ot neglect her in order to excel in my job.

Has anyone else noticed a change in motivation/performace after you had kids?

[Jend1002]

I can't even tell you how many times I think about my work performance and that if only I had the energy, I could do so much better. I waiver between accepting that this is how it is now and beating myself up. Unfortunately for me, I work full time (I don't want to, but have to...) and I also spend a lot of time thinking about how I wish I could be with DS.

So no advice from me really, but I hear you! I feel similar things and I am a recovering perfectionist. It's a daily struggle because nothing is perfect at all now - well, except being a mommy to my baby boy!

[Hannah'sMommy]

I'm totally there too. I have to work full time, but we're trying to work towards me being a SAHM. I used to be so much more productive at work, now I just think about how much I want to be with our DD and dreaming about the day I don't have to work! I'm also stressed about getting everything done and keeping on top of everything at home. So it's hard to stay focused at work!

[c'est moi]

Yes. My child is a month younger than yours, so we're probably experiencing a lot of the same things.

i am/was an overachiever. my new mantra is "good is good enough." it was essential to my sanity that i recognized that there is nothing wrong with doing a "just" a good job. it's okay if not everything is wow, amazing, great, or perfect. as a teacher, my lessons could always be better, more interesting, more something, but even if they are not, i have to accept the fact that they are still GOOD lessons. that's okay! students will still learn from a good teacher.

eventually, i decided that it was more important for me to focus my extra energy on being a good mother and good wife and good friend. i found that if i devote all of my energy to my profession, i had little left for the other areas in my life.

i went through a program based on the book "the mother's guide to self-renewal." i found both the book and program to be really helpful for me. i think there are classes nationwide, but you could easily go through the book on your own.

good luck!

[snarky]

I had a complex for a while because I was totally unwilling to work extra hours, email in evenings after dealing with exhausting bedtimes, etc due to family commitments. I was afraid that I was falling behind some of my peers.

However, I realize that I am actually more productive than many of my male colleagues because
(a) I triage ruthlessly and let less important tasks fall on the floor
(b) I never surf the internet and waste time at work. When I am at work I am working

My tip is to stop comparing the present version of yourself to some idealized perfect vision of yourself. Instead, compare yourself to your real flesh-and-blood peers. This is probably why your boss is not complaining, I bet you compare favourably to the others.

I am not sure why it is you show up to work in the morning. I personally show up so that I can provide for my family. This means doing a good enough job is enough, because I am achieving my goal (being a good provider). Adjust your goals downward and it is much easier to succeed.

[Surfacing]

So many great comments, observations and advice here. I too was an overachiever, perfectionist, high achiever type. One thing mothering has taught me is to let all that go and, like another mama said, live by, "Good enough is good enough." Sometimes I shudder and think of all the things I *could* be doing... but recognize that in this stage of life, THIS is what is needed of me. My family couldn't stand me if I was trying to do anything else. As it is, I can barely keep up with the demands (and often don't) of all my responsibilities. But like others here, I remind myself that if I go into work in the morning and do my job, I can do a good enough job, and still be proud of myself and feel like I am doing okay. I don't always need to be excelling, overachieving, and impressing the pants of everybody.

I can begin to understand though when people say to do lots of stuff BEFORE you have kids. I can see how dreams and desires can fall by the wayside because they just get prioritized off to a back burner while the family takes precedence. I realize this is what some of those sacrifices are that we talk about when we become parents. I feel sad sometimes that I probably won't accomplish some of my dreams, but I also wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world.

I also ask myself, where did we get this idea from that we have to achieve and accomplish so much?

[lolar2]

If some of this is not guilt, but instead that you are a little bored at work and would be more interested in doing some of those projects you think of, maybe some delegating and rearranging would help.

[boatrat]

My tip is to stop comparing the present version of yourself to some idealized perfect vision of yourself. Instead, compare yourself to your real flesh-and-blood peers. This is probably why your boss is not complaining, I bet you compare favourably to the others.

Yes, this! I am always comparing myself to "Super Kelly", and I know that I am not performing as well as I could if I had no other distractions. But the point is, I don't work in an office of Super Kellys, and when I compare myself to the actual people I work with, I come out way ahead on most days.

Feeling guilty over giving less-than-your best most likely means that you are just a conscientious (and most likely great) employee.