OK, what did I do wrong? 7 year old is so clingy

[Pookietooth]

DS has always been very close to me, and very reluctant to separate from me for any time, except sometimes to go out with dh (but not always). I recall that not pushing him away, encouraging him to explore at his own pace, would eventually lead to a more confident, independent child. Well, I'm still waiting, and he's seven. Right now, I have a five month old, so I had expected some regression, but even before that, he has never separated from me easily and has rarely been away from me for any length of time. When we are in a park, he wants to stay around 20 feet from me at all time (or less), which means that if the other kids we are playing with go farther, he expects me to go along with him. A couple of times he's gone to a friend's house for 2 or 3 hours without me, but other than that, he acts as if there is an invisible leash between us. There is a playground in our apartment complex that is right outside our window (we live on the second floor), and on nice days kids from several buildings will play there, but he will only go if I go down there with him. Now that I have the baby, I can't always do that -- she doesn't sleep well in the mei-tai or sling that I have, preferring to be laid down after she falls asleep (she wakes from the slightest sounds, change in light, etc, -- I can't even use the bathroom without waking her). So he gets angry that I won't accompany him.
The only activities he will do on his own are watching videos (we don't have cable but have a TV and DVD player) and playing on the computer. And sometimes reading. He needs me to be there by his side while he plays alone. If a friend is over, he will go into his room with her, but otherwise the only time he goes in there without me is to change clothes, the rest of the time he stays with me ( and we live in a small apartment so it's not as if he couldn't hear me if he were in there and I were in the living room).
So what did I do wrong? I don't recall acting "smothering" but maybe I did. There were times when he would yell at me to follow him around when he was playing or trying to play with other kids at a park or playdate or children't museum, and I would try to get him to try to go on while I watched from 20-30 feet away but he would break down and I would sometimes get angry at him instead of trying again to gently encourage him. Is that what I did wrong? Help! I don't want the same thing to happen with dd!

[OTMomma]

I don't think its fair to yourself to assume you did something wrong- we all parent the best we can every day. Some kids are highly sensitive needy kids, its their personality, and I know from looking at my own kids, they came into this world individuals with many traits not blank slates for me to form. My second child's personality is SO different from my first born, I really doubt you need to worry about your second acting just like the first- she will be her own person too.

At some point I realized that the AP hype, is largely hype. Its advertised as "Parent this way, and we guarantee your kid will be perfect because of your great parenting." The truth is, I AP parent because its how I would want to be parented if I were a kid. It is not the magic cure all that I thought it was as a young mom- my co-sleeping kids still have night mares, my nursing toddler still acts insensitive, my oldest separates from me great, but it took months to get my second to stay in church nursery for an hour, the list goes on. I was disillusioned for a while, but now I just focus one doing the best I can each day as it comes.

So, I'm wondering, do you homeschool or does he separate from you for school? If you homeschool, have you tried classes or scouts or other programs he does independently, if not, could you? I actually think that having a little sister will be good for him, in that it does cause a forced amount of independence. My oldest has had to learn to do SO much for herself due to having a little one in the house- she's also 7, and I see it as a good thing, she needed pushed some.

Peace,

[mommajb]

I agree with Laura. All of my children are so different. My 7 yo is much as you describe. My 4 yo not so much at all.

To address a point she made: We have a combined public schooling and homeschooling situation. My oldest is still home, dd1 started a year ago, my 7 yo started last month (and the other two are not yet school age). The first month was so hard for Helen and for me. She had many large adjustments to make - she had never been away for me for that length of time and in such a crowded, institutional enviornment. The change in her independence and self confidence is amazing because now she knows she can do it. Not only can she navigate some new territory alone but she has enlarged the circle of people that care about her to whom she can turn if need be. (We were not sequestered homeschoolers, I am just saying her world is that much larger now.)

I am not advocating a change in your schooling or parenting philosophy. I am wondering if you can't find an environment where you are comfortable encouraging your dd to discover her capabilities. It can be a painful process but like many difficult times there is a sweetness on the other end.

The little ones did help my 7 yo to get bossier, I mean more independent, but the fact is she had two older ones she turned to if I was busy and they were more than happy to take charge, I mean help.

[Althetrainer]

attached kids

You've pretty much described the relationship between my son and me, except he's now 8 years old. It was my choice to stay home after my son was born and I rarely left the house without him. DH and I went out a few times while my stepson lived here with us. Other than that, we had one baby sitter in all 8 years.

I don't know if this attachment a problem or not. But I would like my son to be a bit more independent and less clingy to me. He would go to his friend's house for a play date but that's pretty much it. He prefers having his friends over. If he goes to our neighbor's to play he usually returns in less than an hour because he becomes "bored".

I have been trying to encourage him to do things on his own since he was 7. This year, he's doing a bit better. He will walk across the street to our neighbor's by himself. He will play by himself when I do my exercise in the basement. He even had a thought of walking home by himself (5 min walk from school), of course it was just a thought and he was scared when I finally said "yes" to him. So I see some small improvement. I continue to encourage him to try new things. I figure once he breaks out from our safe routines and finds something new and interesting, he will be more willing to do things on his own or with his friends. At least, this is what I am hoping for.

I too, used to blame myself for being overly protective. But I finally realized some kids simply take longer to feel secure enough to be away from their parents. Of course, a little encouragement here and there could make that day come a big sooner. Let's hope for the best.

Al

[meemee]

i agree with all the mama's here.

its personality. nothing to do with you - unfortunately

my friends son is equally attached to his mom at 7 1/2 too. in fact he hasnt even had a sleepover yet.

even if your dd turns out like ds, it has nothing to do with you. its their personality.

the more you try to resist it the stronger it becomes in them.

hang in there mama. just think, in a few years he will be gone and then you will miss that little boy who needed mama so.

[zeldamomma]

Agree with the others. If it's making you crazy, sign him up for a class that is very predictable and hopefully has a friend in it. My oldest is 9 now, and its just been the last year that she's become comfortable with being alone. It's easier for me because she has siblings who could fill the role of "security blanket" in social situations.

I'd also start talking about how you can't follow all over the playground, and brainstorm together for ways to make him feel comfortable playing a little farther away from you. I think sometimes when we accommodate children's requests that are based in irrational fear, we can end up sending the message that they are right to be afraid, and refusing to accommodate unreasonable requests can help them overcome the issue more easily. If a kid is clearly panicked, I wouldn't push, but if it's just reluctance on his part, a little push might be helpful.

[Pookietooth]

I guess I did know that mostly ds is the way he is regardless of what I do, I just needed to hear it from others with similar experiences. It can be so frustrating. Today, though, ds consented to go to his friend's house for a drop-off playdate. Yesterday I'd said, "you are so hungry for our attention you're afraid to miss any of it, but if you give us a break, we will make up for it" or somthing, and so he said ok. And the other day he actually went out and played with one of the other kids.

[Peony]

My DD1 is a clingy child. She is 7 as well, has to sleep with me, wants to be very close by when she is home. She struggles with anxiety issues that started when she was 5, but she has always been this way, the anxiety just increased it to an another level.



i worked at creating safe places for her to go away from me. She needed to know that she was capable, she just needed help in doing so. DD1 takes gymnastics and dance and is now ok going, it toke some serious effort, but she loves it. I enrolled her in school for the first time this year school, she wasn't happy about it, but HSing her wasn't working at all. She has severe learning disabilities, and it wasn't working for me. I needed some space from this child, I was feeling suffocated by her. Heck, my then 2 year was more independent then the oldest was! DD1 blossomed at school. This child who used to hide under tables and not speak to anyone now runs all over the school and is friends with practically everyone. She still is clingy at home, not as much as before but her self esteem has grown by leaps and bounds.

It is very much the child, he will separate someday, but you can gently encourage them to explore the world without you right at their side.

[mommajb]

Peony, I cannot describe my feelings reading this post. I don't think we have severe learning disablities and it is my 4 yo that is totally independent and outgoing but other than that...

I think our turning point was about a month ago - One month after putting her in school, 2 months after big changes and extra effort from the gymnastics coaches, etc. We had a big change of approach to her with the new year and we are seeing results. It is hard because I am having to be super consistent with her and a bit of a hard-a$$ IMO but it is helping her.

Rather than letting her decide something is too hard/scary/whatever and allowing her to flee to safety (my side with face buried) we are building her confidence through success. She is learning that success is earned. She thought one was born with it or without it and she was without. Forcing, yes forcing, her to do what I knew she could do even when she wasn't sure has helped her to see that confidence is earned not given. This is hard; I used to take her home when she resisted because I thought in terms of gym class today being not all that important.

Looking at her self talk and making sure it is what I want to hear from her is a big part of it. Instead of supporting her failure (in her eyes) and negative self talk I am helping her see what she can do. It sounds obvious but I did think I was helping her by responding in the moment to her resistance, not feeding a cycle that wasn't working.

[OTMomma]

Originally Posted by Pookietooth

I guess I did know that mostly ds is the way he is regardless of what I do, I just needed to hear it from others with similar experiences. It can be so frustrating. Today, though, ds consented to go to his friend's house for a drop-off playdate. Yesterday I'd said, "you are so hungry for our attention you're afraid to miss any of it, but if you give us a break, we will make up for it" or somthing, and so he said ok. And the other day he actually went out and played with one of the other kids.

Glad things are going better!

[Pookietooth]

Thanks! And yes, we homeschool, not necessarily because of the separation issue although I'm thinking that has been part of the problem.

[Music-mommy]

can totally relate

Hi Pookie Tooth

My daughter is very much the same, have you read any books about hyper sensitive children? Though i don't believe much in labels, my daughter fits the criteria.. we were homeschooling, and I have to say that for her, the best thing has been going to school. once we found a school where she felt safe she began to thrive and come out of her shell.

I"m not saying to send your son to school, but like others said, most likely if you could find classes where there is a consistency in teachers and students he would feel more confident .

though there were homeschooling events, and outings, it was never with the same group children and there was never a consistent "teacher' or leader figure for her to attach to. For this school has been excellent.

My daughter is now 8 and is becoming quite independent, while retaining her sensitive qualities. But we have gone through numerous years of fearfulness, not being able to go to the washroom alone, not being able to sleep in her own bed .

About 6 months ago I told them it was time it was time for them to sleep in their own rooms (younger dd is 4.5) as I thought that this might help her to understand that sometimes overcoming fear is simply a state of mind and that to over come a fear one as to challenge oneself...it seems to have worked she seems to feel empowered by this now.