Oh boy

[Ceinwen]

Do I ever feel awful.

Broke up with my gf last night, it was almost worse than ending my ten year marriage...

We started dating last August, she moved in November, and I knew by Christmas it was a mistake.

Having said that, I was committed to making it work, since she had moved in, my kids were super attached to her, etc. So I tried.

I started seeing my therapist more often to work through some of this, and she said that while it was my decision to make either way - I shouldn't not make a decision because it was going to be hard and have bad fallout.

My gf was blindsided though; I guess she really didn't see how unhappy I was (am?). It's not even that we argued or that there's anything I dislike about her... the whole relationship just moved way too fast (from dating to living like a married couple with kids) and it didn't feel right. I feel smothered and rushed, and I need my time alone, with the kids and otherwise.

So, she's devastated, is super attached to the kids, needs to find a place to live and is asking 'can we consider this a break/some time apart' and I don't know what to say. Maybe? I can't see us being together... and I need to get my kids far away from this (emotionally, I can see them being very upset)

I made so many mistakes doing this, and I really feel like I've hurt her quite badly... god, this is going to give me really bad karma in my future lives, isn't it? We've only been dating eight months, living together for five - but you know how intense it can be with kids... it feels like forever.

Advice? She wants to know if she can see the kids after she moves out - I said not initially, we all need to resettle... but I'm not sure if that's the right answer. Another totally selfish/unrelated thing is - my life is about to get a lot more difficult... I work shift work, and now I need to start stressing about who's going to watch the kids while I work nights, weekends, etc.

Augh. It's also going to take a bit to find her a place to live (apartment wise, I own my house, she's living with me now) and I wish I could fast forward two months and get over the worst of this. Just last week we were making plans for the summer, and now everything hurts and is all mixed up.

[provocativa]

My breakups with women have been emotionally harder than those with men, in part I think because my relationship with my mom is better than that with my dad, and has been my whole life. When rejecting women, it's tied up with feelings of rejecting other wonderful women in my life. But for much of my young life my dad was a jerk, so kicking a man to the curb is not as emotionally risky for me. Also, women can be a little more emotionally demanding during a breakup, whereas men tend to shut down or get angry. Useless generalizations, I know, but that's how it's worked for me.
I would let the kids see her as much as they want to, or seems constructive for them (not you). If they developed a real attachment to her, then this breakup will be a good way for them to learn that they can still be attached to someone who is at a greater physical distance (which will happen over and over in their lives, as people they love move away, etc.)
Have you tried looking for a sitter at La Leche League? I know I would have jumped on the chance for reduced pay in exchange for bringing my nursling. Also you could ask the midwives in your area what they use for overnights, etc.

[PoppyMama]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I feel that when a parent makes a commitment to someone that includes children and allows an attachment to form you are also making a commitment to supporting a continued relationship between the children and the other person separate from your relationship with the person. In other words...it's not all about you. I hope I'm not being harsh because I understand where you are coming from but I feel pretty strongly on this subject from personal experience.

[violet_]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.

I'll second PoppyMama here in advising you to let the kids see your ex as much as they want. They didn't break up with her and none of this is their fault. I know it's hard, but if they are attached then it's unfair to just rip her from their lives like that.

Best of luck to you in dealing with this.

[mumblemama]

You did the right thing. It wouldn't have been right to keep trying when you know what you need and you were unhappy. Breakups suck.

I would probably start with a bit of space, and then let her and the kids see each other, depending on the relationship. The problem is, she's devastated, and it would be really hard for everyone involved. And as close and attached people get, she's not their mother or father. Kids become attached to people all the time they no longer see (teachers, etc) in a similar way.

I know when I broke up with my last bf, where we had dated about the same time and he practically lived here, VERY attached to the kids and vice versa, I felt like I should maintain that relationship. But it was just too hard-- he was still in love w/ me and devastated. While my kids were very attached to him, they didn't seem all that bothered except for idle questions here and there if he's going to join us somewhere we've all gone before.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by mumblemama

I would probably start with a bit of space, and then let her and the kids see each other, depending on the relationship. The problem is, she's devastated, and it would be really hard for everyone involved. And as close and attached people get, she's not their mother or father. Kids become attached to people all the time they no longer see (teachers, etc) in a similar way.

I know when I broke up with my last bf, where we had dated about the same time and he practically lived here, VERY attached to the kids and vice versa, I felt like I should maintain that relationship. But it was just too hard-- he was still in love w/ me and devastated. While my kids were very attached to him, they didn't seem all that bothered except for idle questions here and there if he's going to join us somewhere we've all gone before.

I think you have a good point that they haven't been together very long and so hopefully the attachment isn't too strong yet. OP probably knows better than we how strongly bonded they are.

However, I will state that the bond between a (long-term) stepparent and a child is NOTHING like a teacher-student bond. Trust me, I've had both. They have nothing in common and kids can be devastated to lose a parental figure like that, if they are in fact a parental figure. But I agree if they aren't yet at that point then it may soften the blow considerably.

[LoveOhm]

Sorry your hurting mama and I hope it all smooths soon.

Hmm what if you adjusted the family dynamic? Not sure she is ready for this given that she did not see this coming but perhaps she would be willing to become more of an "aunt" than a parent/father/mom to the kids...... and you.

Is there room in your home for her to move out of your bedroom but stay as a roommate? She can stay there and watch the kids in exchange for rent but not as your GF...... I have seen this done with a divorced hetro couple and it has been great for the son, the mom and dad but there were kinks for a while until everyone got settled into the new roles ---- all in all they don't regret it.

[singin'intherain]

My bf's kids have a very uninvolved mom, so before I got too involved with him, I sat with myself and thought about whether I could commit to being an important person in their lives even if we didn't work out. I decided I could. In my mind, unless he says no, I would still have them for regular significant chunks of time in the event of a breakup. Your gf may have committed to your kids similarly. Of course you want her to come forward with that kind of statement. But don't rule out the idea that she may have enough of a relationship with your kids to be a parent like figure even though you aren't together.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I feel that when a parent makes a commitment to someone that includes children and allows an attachment to form you are also making a commitment to supporting a continued relationship between the children and the other person separate from your relationship with the person. In other words...it's not all about you. I hope I'm not being harsh because I understand where you are coming from but I feel pretty strongly on this subject from personal experience.

Not too harsh at all! I appreciate the honesty.

Thank you so much for all the comments there was lots there that I needed to read, to think about.

We've actually decided to give it a go; less because of the kids involved (although that factored into it) and more because there was no real issue (in terms of a fight, huge disagreement about issues, infidelity - just a horrible, overwhelming 'stop - this is going to fast!' on my end).

We both decided to take some big steps backward, stop talking (this is on my gf's part) about being married, having more kids, etc. and focus on the dating stage of our relationship and just enjoy each other.

Also, while it may be difficult, we're going to try and ease up her 'parental' role with the kids (just for now); I think I was feeling a bit pushed/squashed, especially when my two year old started calling her 'mommy jane'...

I really, really appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment. I kind of felt silly posting it because most people come here with serious relationship's crumbling (as I did - exiting a ten year marriage) that this felt superfluous...

It's lovely to have people to bounce ideas and feelings off of.