ex wants to vaccinate kids

[muse]

can he do that without my consent? it's so ridiculous. kids are 5 & 8 yrs, we have 50/50 custody.

he was always on same page re vaccinations, now he seems to need to rebel against me in any way he can think of, plus he just spent 5 days with his dad who is a pediatrician who probably put pressure on him, and he came home saying he wants to immunize the kids.

how would you mamas handle this?

[pinetree]

[Goodmom2008]

To be honest, if he takes this to court, he will win. I would try to vaccinate slowly as opposed to all at once. And only the ones that have been out for a while.

[organicpapayamama]

I have the same concerns but not with my ex (he isnt in our lives) but with other well meaning family members. Turns out basically ANYONE can give your child a vax. sad but true. Maybe you can fight it after the fact and sue someone if they are not the guardian but by then the damage may be done. But if your ex has joint custody he can do it without your consent unfortunately. see if you both can agree on some sort of schedule. Even if you have the schedule and its in the custody arrangement, peds dont check that so again, he can just decide one day to do it and it will be done. sorry mama.

[violet_]

Since you're likely to lose this battle, as everyone else has said, you should probably try to negotiate with him over the timing and order of the shots. If he's been talking to a doc, you could try showing him Dr. Sears' vaccine book and trying to adopt one of those schedules. And, since your kids are already older, a lot of the concerns about early vaccinations should be lessened, as their brains are a lot more developed than newborns'.

[One_Girl]

Is he open to talking about what changed his mind about vaccination? If he was truly on the same page with you then talking about it may help him work out the pressure that his parents put on him during the visit and move him back towards staying to the standards that he wanted. If he just seemed to agree with you in order to prevent an argument then you may see a lot of changes now that the marriage is over and he is finding out who he is as a parent and single person. Hopefully you can convince him to go slowly in this.

[laohaire]

Or before you even try to do delayed/selective, at least try to appeal to his good sense.

"Ex, we had agreed about vaccinations before. I understand you're angry with me, but I know you won't put our children at risk to get back at me."

Well, it might not work, but worth a shot.

[LoveOhm]

I did not read all the replies so I am sorry if this has already been said but I would not fgight him. Tell him if it means that much to you that YOU will take the children and have them vaccinated and will provide him with a copy of the vaccine card from the doctor.

Given your children's age honestly half the vaccines will not need to be given (compared to what they would have had as infants). I started to vaccinate my dd just recently, she is 3.5 years old and half of the vaccinations were not needed. The only one I decided to completely opt out of is the one for chicken pox as I hope she will get them naturally........ if she does not by a certain age then I will consider the vax.

Pick your battles then is not one worth fighting especially now that your children are older and the actual amount of potential harm is minimized.

[muse]

wow i had no idea he could vaccinate without mutual consent between us. good to know. i *doubt* he would do that though, he will just keep bringing it up with me.

i agree the risks are minimized at this point, but what on earth is the point? there are some i would do pre-puberty, but at 5 & 8 yrs what would you guys say would be the most important ones, if any?

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by muse

wow i had no idea he could vaccinate without mutual consent between us. good to know. i *doubt* he would do that though, he will just keep bringing it up with me.

It's not so much that he can do so legally--with joint legal custody you're supposed to come to an agreement on everything other than very routine day-to-day stuff (whether to give Tylenol for a fever) and on emergencies (when decisions need to be made ASAP and the other parent may not be immediately available). But...most doctors don't ask. They just accept consent from one parent (think about it--when was the last time you were asked for your ex's consent when you took your kids to the doctor for whatever purposes?). You could sue him for contempt after the fact, but the deed will have already been done.

Also, if he did want to play by the rules, he could go to court--and, in all likelihood, he would probably win, as vaccination is considered the safe default to most people, and it would be uphill for you to prove otherwise.

Good luck.

[meemee]

just an fyi - since you asked what's the point.

i dont know.

but any immigrant entering the country esp. from a 3rd world country has to get their immunisations before entering the country.

[blessedwithboys]

find out the school requirements for your state. then figure out which of those are for diseases that arent of such great concern for older kids. put those at the end of your to-do list.

does ex have a hot-button VPD or pet vax? go with that one first. can you find a doc to agree that there should be 6 mos between shots?

tell ex that you have agreed to vax, and that the kids doc has set up a personalized schedule for each based on age, gender, eye color, whatever. just make him think you agree with him.

then give him 6 mos to forget about it and carry on as usual.

FTR, for us, vax isnt a issue with ds1 and his dad bc most of his were already done b4 i began seeking. ex1 thinks all he's missing is the CP and he is ok with that. i dont correct him and its not an issue with us.

as for ds2 and his dad, when i was pg and we split, he "gave me permission" to not vax, with the exception of smallpox. that one he insisted on. LOL hey, it was immediately post 9-11, cut him some slack. haha only recently when his new wife had a baby boy did i learn his opinions on vax and circ had "changed". he's now majorly pro-both. gag. anyway, ds2 has no idea what receiving a vax entails, so a while back when he needed blood drawn, as we walked out of the lab i said "there, now you have ALL your shots!". if ex ever asks ds, he'll get the answer he wanted to hear, and if he ever asks me, he'll get a lie.

it's that or flee the country

[lilyka]

My xh could vaccinate without my concent. while I could likely charge him with contempt and win, what good would it do? the damage would already be done.

if he is going to seriously make an issue of it i would tell him if it is that important that you would gladly go to mediation and talk about it (at his expense) in the mean time start deciding which vaccines you are willing to give and start talking to your Dr about spacing and such,.

[muse]

well he seems to have dropped it for now. i asked him which ones he was most concerned about and he never responded. i think he was having a moment of parenting insecurity after 5 days with his overbearing parents. fingers crossed it won't come up again.
re schools we just filled out a form to say we were not vaccinating, no problem at all.

[Shiloh]

really most dudes might say they want it but really aren't going to make the appointments, show up for the appointments, pay for the shots (if necessary), remember to go back for boosters...I bet dollars to donughts he is not up to date on his own.....tell him to start there first. Guinnea Pig him.