Yesterday dp told me that last September he received an $18,000 inheritance. He bought a car and a new laptop; he opened an account for dd. I just thought he was financing everything. Now there's $9,000 left.
This conversation naturally segued into one about our tight finances. I'm a sahm, though I work a little from home (i take work when it comes along, though it's infrequent). I have been living off my savings. I have no debt. For the first couple years of our relationship I supported dp-- I paid rent, groceries, bills. All his earnings went to paying off his debt and personal expenses. To get out of this cycle, I gave him $25,000 of an inheritance to pay his debt so we could be "even." the understanding was that he'd "pay me back" when we had kids by supporting us so I could stay home. I gave him that money with a full heart, believing I was investing in our future. I assumed responsibility for choices he made before he even met me so that we could move forward together. And I cotinued to assume responsibility for his choices by picking up the slack and overextending myself while he made no money working a job that he was far overqualified for, b/c he "likes his laid back lifestyle."
we broke up when I was 6 mo pregnant. I moved out. But he moved in with me 3 months ago. I still pay all the rent and bills, with my dwindling savings. He says he didn't tell me about the inheritance b/c he didn't want to get leveraged into helping me financially which he saw as essentially "paying for me leaving him." Essentially, he feels I made a choice and I should pay for it. And now, he is insisting that I get a job and arrange childcare for dd b/c he doesn't want to work more and he's in school p/t.
I never would have leveraged him; and it hurts that he would think me capable of that. We're together and I still don't ask him to help. But he's watched me struggle and stress and he said nothing. In fact, he told me that they got nothing from his uncle's estate after lawyers fees, etc. I feel lied to. And I feel like there has always been this air of entitlement from him: you're lucky enough to have, and I have not so you'll take care of me b/c you love me. But now I need him to step up and pick up the slack and he is still making it my responsibility. It's not even about the money, it's the attitude, the juxtaposition of my "what's mine is ours" attitude against his "what's mine is mine."
I don't know, maybe I sound entitled too. It's not my intention. I can and will take care of myself, and I know dd will be taken care of. But I carried him for so long, and now I feel like he's not willing to do the same for me. And I hate the regret I feel knowing that if I hadn't given him most of my inheritance, I wouldn't be in this position. If I had known it would be everyman for himself.....
This conversation naturally segued into one about our tight finances. I'm a sahm, though I work a little from home (i take work when it comes along, though it's infrequent). I have been living off my savings. I have no debt. For the first couple years of our relationship I supported dp-- I paid rent, groceries, bills. All his earnings went to paying off his debt and personal expenses. To get out of this cycle, I gave him $25,000 of an inheritance to pay his debt so we could be "even." the understanding was that he'd "pay me back" when we had kids by supporting us so I could stay home. I gave him that money with a full heart, believing I was investing in our future. I assumed responsibility for choices he made before he even met me so that we could move forward together. And I cotinued to assume responsibility for his choices by picking up the slack and overextending myself while he made no money working a job that he was far overqualified for, b/c he "likes his laid back lifestyle."
we broke up when I was 6 mo pregnant. I moved out. But he moved in with me 3 months ago. I still pay all the rent and bills, with my dwindling savings. He says he didn't tell me about the inheritance b/c he didn't want to get leveraged into helping me financially which he saw as essentially "paying for me leaving him." Essentially, he feels I made a choice and I should pay for it. And now, he is insisting that I get a job and arrange childcare for dd b/c he doesn't want to work more and he's in school p/t.
I never would have leveraged him; and it hurts that he would think me capable of that. We're together and I still don't ask him to help. But he's watched me struggle and stress and he said nothing. In fact, he told me that they got nothing from his uncle's estate after lawyers fees, etc. I feel lied to. And I feel like there has always been this air of entitlement from him: you're lucky enough to have, and I have not so you'll take care of me b/c you love me. But now I need him to step up and pick up the slack and he is still making it my responsibility. It's not even about the money, it's the attitude, the juxtaposition of my "what's mine is ours" attitude against his "what's mine is mine."
I don't know, maybe I sound entitled too. It's not my intention. I can and will take care of myself, and I know dd will be taken care of. But I carried him for so long, and now I feel like he's not willing to do the same for me. And I hate the regret I feel knowing that if I hadn't given him most of my inheritance, I wouldn't be in this position. If I had known it would be everyman for himself.....
