Does she think I just woke up one day and said, "Gee I think I'll homeschool my kids!"?

[LemonPie]

I had a very frustrating conversation with a friend, we'll call her H, last night. H has a teaching credential but is currently a SAHM, and is apparently quite horrified at my decision to HS next year.

I was standing in a group with her and some other friends and someone asked me about my son's current 1st grade teacher. I explained that I really loved her and her approach to teaching, but that my son wasn't getting the academic stimulation he needs. He spends a lot of time doing errands for the teacher or on the computer because he's done with his work--he comes home with his homework done every day.

At this point H said, "You know, I think you're going to find that everywhere when you have gifted kids." I said, yes, that it was a large part of the reason that we had decided to pull him out and HS next year.

She actually got red in the face and wouldn't quite look me in the eye. She said, "You know, school is about 20% academics and 80% socialization." When I replied that you could adequately socialize and home school, she got REALLY upset and said, "It's Not. The. Same. Thing."

Fortunately, another friend in our group, who has been HSing for 9-10 yrs jumped in at this point and basically fought the battle for me by listing every activity/lesson/sport/class/etc where her kids are in contact with other kids. It basically shut the conversation down.

After it was over, it occurred to me that maybe she was coming from a place of defensiveness. Before this conversation occurred, she'd been complaining to me that the kids were off school for the next 15 days for Spring Break and she was going to go crazy and didn't know how she was going to survive it, etc etc etc.

But YEESH. This was not a decision we made lightly. I explored this, thought about, read about it, prayed about it. It's right for our family! I'm not passing judgment on the choices YOU'VE made for YOUR family by doing something different than you would choose. And really, you're going to stand there and tell me that my kid needs to stagnate in public school so that he can learn to line up and ask permission to go to the bathroom?

[zeldamomma]

I think she's got her own issues about homeschooling, and I'd try not to take it personally (though it does sound rude). It may be that someone has been pressuring her to homeschool her kids, and she doesn't want to (which is a perfectly valid reason not to homeschool) but she wants to believe that she's not homeschooling for a reason that's about her kids, and not about her.

I have a group of friends where a few of us started homeschooling in a small bunch, and it freaked some of the non-homeschoolers out a little. If she's seeing a "trend" of people homeschooling, she might be worrying on some level that she's going to be the only one who couldn't imagine homeschooling.

I actually agree with her that school socialization and homeschool socialization are different. I love the kind of socialization my kids get as homeschoolers!

[One_Girl]

A lot of people who know and love your kids are probably going to raise concerns like that because the stereotypical home schooled child is a socially awkward, not so bright child in a family with a parent who can't let go. It isn't a reflection on you, it is a reflection on a deep concern that you may be blinded by your desire to keep your child close or that you your child may not get an education that is valued by many many people in our society despite your good intentions.
I have gotten this from several friends and a few family members despite my intention to only home school for a short period of time. I am starting to despise those families who meet the stereotype, blab about keeping one child out of school so he can babysit the youngest while they are at work (I had a friend who did this), or admit to other people that their child only watches tv all day. Why can't they just lie? I tend to address my friends in a gentle and upbeat way when this comes up though by smiling and telling them that my dd is more active socially now than she was at school, more involved in cooperative groups through the sports we now have energy to participate in, and academically ahead of most children at her grade level. I do want friends to tell me their concerns because it has helped me as a mother in the past and because I would do the same for them, I just wish this wasn't something that had bad images attached to it.

[MissRubyandKen]

I'd wager she feels slightly threatened and views homeschoolers as 'against' her profession. Some people highly value socialization as a tool to control children. To some people being valuable to society is all about fitting into that cookie cutter mold. They think failure to conform fully will make children unsuccessful in life.

[Savoir Faire]

Trust me....it is never about you.

[halomancer]

Originally Posted by LemonPie

She actually got red in the face and wouldn't quite look me in the eye. She said, "You know, school is about 20% academics and 80% socialization." When I replied that you could adequately socialize and home school, she got REALLY upset and said, "It's Not. The. Same. Thing."

I think it is good that it is not the same thing.

[pigpokey]

I would be very frustrated with her, but remember she is coming from a place of not-knowing. And knowing will shake up her foundation.

[KnittingKara]

Last summer we were at a party for a friend of my husband's from work. There were a lot of children there and spouses/partners. A group of us moms were gathered, sitting on lawn chairs, watching the kids play (there was a bounce-house and several outdoor games like bean bag toss and a mini-golf set up) Somehow in the converstaion it was brought that we homeschool.

Most of the moms there were fine about it, but one mom made kind of a snide comment about socializing .... which she then discredited herself totally for by asking, "now which kids are yours?" gesturing to the group of kids playing. Um, sorry, if you can't pick my poor, so-called "un-socialized" kids out of a group of children playing, then I think you kind of answered your own question

I just smiled and acted like I hadn't really heard her .... but to this day, I wonder what she was looking for in that crowd of kids that would have told her "that one is homeschooled"

I'm sorry that your friend was so upset - but I agree that was probably more about HER than about you. I'm glad that your other friend was there to divert the conversation.

What's that "bean dip" expression again? When someone asks you about homeschooling and starts to get negative and you just ask them to pass the dip or something?

Best Wishes!

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

I'd wager she feels slightly threatened and views homeschoolers as 'against' her profession. Some people highly value socialization as a tool to control children. To some people being valuable to society is all about fitting into that cookie cutter mold. They think failure to conform fully will make children unsuccessful in life.

This. I've found that the people that get the most upset work in the public schools or have a close friend/family member that does. I'm willing to bet that she felt like you were subtly saying that you're better than her...

Originally Posted by KnittingKara

Most of the moms there were fine about it, but one mom made kind of a snide comment about socializing .... which she then discredited herself totally for by asking, "now which kids are yours?" gesturing to the group of kids playing. Um, sorry, if you can't pick my poor, so-called "un-socialized" kids out of a group of children playing, then I think you kind of answered your own question

What's really funny is I was gifted, went to private school for a few years, charter school after that (money thing), and finally a public school...I was always the kid that brought a book and sat off to the side reading instead of playing in the group with the children. So yeah, I was REALLY socialized!



I HATE HATE HATE the socialization stigma. I had people attacking my choice before my son was a year old! So stupid. Just point out that your son isn't getting socialized when he's on the computer or out of class because the other children are working. Add in that most schools don't have recess (or have it once a day...at the end of the day) and 20mins for lunch...whatever. I'm preaching to the choir!

[Lucy Alden]

Originally Posted by LemonPie

"You know, school is about 20% academics and 80% socialization."

That she believes this and is still sending her kids to school is scary. It's like school is glorified daycare with a little learning thrown in.

[nerdymom]

Originally Posted by Savoir Faire

Trust me....it is never about you.

I'll tell you all a little secret.
.
.
.
I was home schooled. K-12. And when I tell people that, you should see the looks on their faces. I don't know what they expect a home schooled adult to look like, but I guess it isn't me. Yeah, I'm socially awkward. So are my friends. I'm a shy person who gets anxious in large groups, just like many, many products of public education. Now my youngest sister, she is gorgeous, smart, and so stylish it intimidates me. She loves attention and has dozens of friends. She is also home schooled, currently K-10 (she's still in school). It has everything to do with personality.

But if you're the first person in your social circle to step out of the box regarding education, you're in for a long haul. But take heart. People will see the good fruit of your labors. It might take ten years, but recognition will come. When my parents made the decision to home school me, my grandmother threatened to call CPS. She thought my parents were terrible people intent on brainwashing me. Fast-forward twelve years. When my uncle's first kid was approaching school age, my grandmother quizzed him about what their plans were. When he said he and his wife were going to homeschool, my grandmother said "Good. I was worried you were going to send them to school!"

[2xy]

Originally Posted by LemonPie

After it was over, it occurred to me that maybe she was coming from a place of defensiveness. Before this conversation occurred, she'd been complaining to me that the kids were off school for the next 15 days for Spring Break and she was going to go crazy and didn't know how she was going to survive it, etc etc etc.

People who really don't like being around their own kids cannot fathom how anyone would want to homeschool.

[Lillian J]

You know, the funny thing about this - "Does she think I just woke up one day and said, "Gee I think I'll homeschool my kids!"? - is that that's pretty much exactly what I did. And it was one of the best sudden decisions of my life. I was washing dishes one evening, pondering the complexities of the decision I'd recently made to give up on trying to find just the right school for my son and instead go about forming a very small private school for a few like-minded families. All of a sudden, the thought came to me that we could just homeschool! It felt like fireworks going off in my mind - image after image of the incredible experiences we could be having in the real world together instead of compartmentalizing his education so much into a classroom (all of which we did end up experiencing, and much more!). I didn't sleep all night - it just kept materializing. When I saw my husband begin to stir in the morning, I turned to him and told him we were going to homeschool. His mouth dropped open, but it was crystal clear to him that the decision was made and that I knew what I was doing.

As for people who work in the schools being the most defensive, what I experienced was several different teachers, from both private and public schools, expressing to me that they wished they could afford to quit their jobs and homeschool their own kids. A lot depends on how open people are willing to be, as compared to how much ego is tied up in what they're doing. I'm not saying that most teachers would think of homeschooling as a better option if they were open minded - just that those who are open minded and secure are more likely to be open to it as a viable alternative. - Lillian

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by halomancer

I think it is good that it is not the same thing.

That would have been my reply, but then again it would have gotten messy at that point anyways...

[momo7]

I literally DID wake up one morning, and in the very same day, decide to home-school my children.

I have a friend that every time I see her she asks me if I have decided to put my kids back in "real" school yet. Then she will go on to tell me how important it is my children get the "socialization" they need and the interactive-ness they need with "other" adults.

The thing that makes me want to fall down laughing is when she tells me, in the same conversation, how her oldest daughter is bratting because she doesn't have the right hair or clothes or that the other girls make fun of her because she doesn't wear makeup or shave her legs. She then complains how the teachers are un-fair to her other children or she doesn't get support of the school administration.

I look her dead in the eye and go "Yeah, I know EXACTLY how you feel, that's why the children aren't going back. EVER."

It shuts her up until I have the same conversation with her 4 months down the road. Same conversation...verbatim.

When I decided to home-school I did it pretty much knowing that the people in my circle would frown upon my decision. There is not one thing I can do about what they think.....or what they say. I have to do what is best for my children. I can't worry from one day to the next if this, that or the other person will agree with me. I have lost friends over my decision.....whatever.

Whatever baggage your friend has about you, it's still not your baggage. Shrug it off and the next time tell her exactly how you feel.

[LemonPie]

Thanks all for your thoughts! I definitely realize this is about her issues, and not about me. Interestingly, there are several people in our social circle who do homeschool, so it just caught me very off guard when she got SO upset and defensive about my choice.

And I didn't mean anything derogatory towards those of you who DID make the decision suddenly--I just had that quote from Legally Blonde running through my head: "Do you think she just woke up one morning and said, 'I think I'll go to law school today?'"

Originally Posted by Lucy Alden

That she believes this and is still sending her kids to school is scary. It's like school is glorified daycare with a little learning thrown in.

Yes!

Originally Posted by Lillian J

As for people who work in the schools being the most defensive, what I experienced was several different teachers, from both private and public schools, expressing to me that they wished they could afford to quit their jobs and homeschool their own kids. A lot depends on how open people are willing to be, as compared to how much ego is tied up in what they're doing. I'm not saying that most teachers would think of homeschooling as a better option if they were open minded - just that those who are open minded and secure are more likely to be open to it as a viable alternative. - Lillian

I've found that opinions vary too. My MIL is a credentialed teacher currently working as a teacher's aide (doesn't want to bother with getting credentialed in our state) and she's very in favor of it, and actually considered it herself. My DD said something about HSing next year in front of my DS' 1st grade teacher and she said, "Hey, I'm good either way" (meaning I guess that she was in favor of both HSing and PSing). There are also a couple of teachers in the aforementioned social circle, and one of my HSing friends has told me that a mutual teacher friend feels the need to 'quiz' her from time to time on what her kids are doing and whether they're on track. I've already decided that I'm not going to entertain such conversations. "Pass the bean dip please!"

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by Savoir Faire

Trust me....it is never about you.

Oh my gosh, I think this is the truest post I've ever read in this forum, LOL! Seriously, I learned early on to get a pretty thick skin. Everyone has their opinion on homeschooling, and the truth is that none of them matter to me and my family. The only opinion that counts is our own. So they can bluster and talk behind my back and ask stupid questions or whatever, but at the end of the day, my husband and I are the only ones who have to answer for our decisions regarding our children's education.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by LemonPie

There are also a couple of teachers in the aforementioned social circle, and one of my HSing friends has told me that a mutual teacher friend feels the need to 'quiz' her from time to time on what her kids are doing and whether they're on track.

Whether they're on track? Do they not get that NO, her kids are not ON a track?! Lillian

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by 2xy

People who really don't like being around their own kids cannot fathom how anyone would want to homeschool.

I love being around my kids. I cannot homeschool. You know that stereotype of the homebound not socializing homeschool family? That would be us. Dd1 and I are quite introverted, and generally are happiest at home. I can't see me being able to push to join groups/activities/etc. as a homeschooler, it would have been impossible.

So in our case, my kids are better off in school, I love being around my kids, and I think homeschooling is awesome.

[yokosmile]

Originally Posted by Savoir Faire

Trust me....it is never about you.

Very wise.