ICAN Blog stories making me uncomfortable

[ariatrance]

So this is Cesarean Awareness Month and the ICAN blog is posting birth stories (cesareans, vbacs/hbacs). There have only been four posts so far and I'm finding myself unable to continue reading. I don't know what it is.

I was looking forward to reading more birth stories, understanding more about why cesareans happen, mentally planning for a possible HBAC for an as-yet-not-conceived child, etc. But instead, I find myself getting angry, my skin crawling, my stomach turning. I just can't keep reading these stories if I'm going to have a physical reaction!

I guess enough time still hasn't passed to lessen the raw emotions of my own experience to allow other people's experiences in without reacting. Will enough time ever pass? I haven't had this kind of strong reaction at my local ICAN meetings, so I'm not sure where this is coming from - the above is only my first guess.

Is anyone else experiencing this or something similar?

(For the record, my 1st was c-section at 35w6d for leaking amniotic fluid because of horrid, stupid OB. My 2nd was vbac at 40w1d, AROM at 4 cm, CFM, epidural but NO PITOCIN! I would like to have a homebirth with any future children but don't know if I'll be located in a state where that is possible without endangering a midwife's practice.)

[cairomama]

I had a scheduled c-section due to breech and planned to have a VBAC for #2, but I went to an ICAN meeting to support a friend telling her story and by the time I had attended a few meetings, I was ready to schedule my next c-section and I wasn't even pregnant because of hearing the horror stories of other people's c-section experiences being bullied by doctors and nurses and lied to. My c-section was a positive experience even though it was disappointing, it was not stressful or abusive. So I found the stories of others really traumatizing and wanted to avoid that.

I had to stop going to ICAN meetings to put myself on the path to VBAC. I did tell the leadership of my chapter how going to the meetings made me feel and that since ICAN has several missions, cesarean prevention and recovery that I understood that people needed to share their stories, but I couldn't keep attending and get mentally where I needed to be. It was a new chapter so they were definitely finding their feet. I still supported the chapter's mission, but needed to do so from a distance.

The most important thing I took from my reaction to the traumatic stories is that the choice of care provider is extremely important. I wanted to someone who really cared whether I had a VBAC or not and so when it was time for mine, I decided to leave Korea and go back to the States. I had a very easy and awesome VBAC and was able to return to ICAN meetings.

I think that if the stories and meeting are disturbing your process, don't read and don't go. Read positive HB and HBAC stories to get yourself in the frame of mind to HBAC and after you have your HBAC, go to the ICAN meeting and share your story.

[ariatrance]

I actually don't have a problem with my local ICAN chapter because most of the women I already know from La Leche meetings, so it feels very familiar and safe.

I do find it so odd for me because I did have a horrible cesarean and a great vbac. While I love being able to share my positive vbac experience with anyone who will listen and will share details of my cesarean if pushed, I am finding it troubling to read others' stories right now. I read all sorts of positive and negative birth stories preparing for my vbac - didn't bother me then.

Maybe I am still processing something with my cesarean......typing out the above, I can look at the segment "will share details of my cesarean if pushed" and see that maybe I'm coming to some kind of crossroads in my emotional processing of that event. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER told one person the whole gruesome story, never written it in a journal, never written about it online, never told the therapist all the details/emotions/thoughts.

I'm sitting here looking at what I'm typing and I can't edit it. It's too raw, too real. I think I may be answering my own questions about why the blog stories bother me now when they wouldn't have before.....

[cairomama]

I hope you can write out your whole cesarean story and share it with at least one other person, your local ICAN group or maybe even the main site.

[BirthNut]

Well, I am the CL for our local ICAN Chapter and I'm sorry the stories are effecting you in this way. I myself had a horrible unecessary cesarean for my 1st birth, my 2nd was an attempted HBAC which was a great, but loooong labor (66 hours) ending in me asking for a cesarean. I am pregnant now & planning a HBA2C, but have a wonderful midwife letting me take control of my birth & I am a mile from the hospital should I need to go. I find that listening to everyones stories and seeing that they've been through a lot of the same that I have is good for me and for my healing, but I'm sure it effects everyone differently. You should do what feels right to you and jump back in when you think its time because ICAN is really there to support in all ways.

[kitkat5505]

I also have a hard time reading any birth stories after my last birth almost 17 months ago. After my first c/s I did sometimes get frustrated or angry or jealous but I still liked to read the stories to help myself learn about birth in all it's different forms. After my vbac I lost most of that anger and was fine reading any stories and not getting emotional. But after my last birth reading any birth story whether happy or sad, hospital or home, natural or c/s, all make me shaky and sick to my stomach and often I cry. Even reading this post has caused it. My birth wasn't even as traumatic as many I've read and I still have a very physical reaction to any mention of birth now. We are planning to get pregnant again soon and thought of going through labor and delivery again scares me so bad I mostly try not to dwell on it.

[maotmsmi]

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Edited by maotmsmi - 5/21/11 at 12:51pm